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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Needed - a great joke to start a speech! (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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phonic69
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I am performing a speech at an end of term party soon and my comedy is not up to standard!

The joke needs to be:

Hilarious
Short/medium length
not too rude

Thank you in advance!

Smile
Saxon
Peter Marucci
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Walk out, survey the room with slightly raised eyebrows, and say: "Wow, this is the biggest group of people I've appeared in front of since my trial."
Dave Le Fevre
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This is only the second time in my life that I've spoken in public.

And the first time, all I said was "Not guilty".
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RyanJonPilling
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I was in Toastmasters for a few years, and my experience says...

Jokes are a great way to start, but for goodness sakes, stick to your topic! Ideally, the joke can introduce the concept/topic of the speech, but at the very least, it can be somehow related.

So... what's the speech about?

-Ryan Pilling
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A blog for performers about "Making Magic Out Of Tricks"
phonic69
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It is an end of year school speech, any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,

Smile
Saxon
Mago Mai
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You might say something like:

Aren't you all glad you can go home now, not having to come to school for a while...
(Look surprised to the back of the room while you gesture with your hand.)

Wait...wait...wait... I mean after the speech.

Mago Mai
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oldguy
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How about walking out and saying "I hope I don't forget anything. My wife says my memory is so bad I could hide my own Easter eggs." Works for me. Tom
Chrystal
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Hee Hee...okay that was funny!
Tor Egil
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I'm suprised how many girls there are here. Now, I have to ask this. What do you girls think about when guys approach girls with magic?
marko
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Tor Egil - Sorry but I'm not sure that would be a great opening line for a speech. Smile

I would walk out and then stay quiet for an inordinate amount of time. Silence. Finally I would say totally dead-pan "Do you hate uncomfortable silences as much as I do?" or "So that's the time when I would have said something really funny to start things off."
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Tor Egil
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That was a question, not a line silly.
ChrisZampese
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Tor,
It was a little silly considering the topic that you posted it in!

Starting a speech with a joke can be difficult, especially at a school leaving dinner. If you can put any humorous reference to a particular teacher in there then you will have a good start (come on, one of your teachers must have a bizarre personality trait that you can exploit?!)
The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are
Dragona
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Well, I had to give a speech once. I hated it, but Chris has the right idea. Make fun of ALL your teachers. Also use the principal and other administrators. They'll appreciate it, trust me... Smile .
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Patrick McKeever
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Phonic69,
Here's an oldie but goodie that I have used on occassion: "I told (the class president, drama teacher, school principal, etc.) if they were ever in a real pinch, I mean scraping the bottom of the barrel, for a speaker they could call on me. Now you know what's on the bottom of the barrel."
It's always worked for me.
Patrick
wassabi_87
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I don't know why you are even trying to start a speech with a joke in the first place; I never do, and they work fine. A joke should not take the place of your introduction. You could try a colorful intro instead, it will catch their attention better. After all, that was what you were trying to do in the first place, right?
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The Donster
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Here goes something that old guy can use for his memory, but not only that she says I'll be lucky if I can find them.
phonic69
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What?!!?

Smile
Saxon
The Donster
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phonics69
OK where the old guy says he comes out and he says that he hopes he remembered to bring everything and then his wife says that his memory is so bad that he could hide his own Easter Eggs. And that he'll be lucky if he could find them meaning finding the Easter eggs.
phonic69
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Quote:
On 2003-05-24 00:55, bubba_boy_87 wrote:
I don't know why you are even trying to start a speech with a joke in the first place, I never do, and they work fine. A joke should not take the place of your introduction. You could try a colorful intro instead; it will catch their attention better. After all, that was what you were trying to do in the first place, right?


It is simply a tradition at my school to start the end of year speech with a joke— there is little need for an introduction because everyone in the room is already aquainted with me— I have been a member of their house for 7 years!

Smile
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The Donster
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Have you tried "I just flew in from Europe and boy, are my arms tired"? Actually it doesn't have to be Europe but anywhere you can go to. Don,
ChrisZampese
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When is the speech phonic?
The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are
phonic69
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The speech is on July the 4th, so there is some time left yet!

I don't get it "The Donster"!

Smile
Saxon
wayman
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Phonic69

A magic friend sent me this... It should take up about 10 minutes of your speech!!

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Startled by this he turned, and to his amazement through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again. As fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it...

...the coffin stopped.
Image

Image
phonic69
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Am I being stupid? I don't get it!

Smile
Saxon
The Donster
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OK, Benelyn is something to stop a cough, just like coughing and coffin. Don,
phonic69
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Oh right, I should have spotted that!

I don't want to appear as someone with a humour deficiency— normally I understand jokes!

Here's one:

Q. How do you cut the sea?
A. With a seesaw!

Smile
Saxon
Adam V
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Q: What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

A: Bob.
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The Donster
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Ok what did one Magician say to another Magician?

A. Who was that Lady I Sawed you with Last Night?
joseph
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I can't ever remember my speeches so I bought Harry Lorayne's Memory Book; I forgot where I put it. I was working on a problem on the way to school; When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Smile
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The old saying......"A funny thing happen on the way here" LOL LOL
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<BR>If you are always looking back you can't see what's in front of you so when you bump your head again you have no one to blame but yourself!
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