How about "I'm glad to be here ladies and gentlemen. While I give this speech I want you to remember that I am a professional, which doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at what I do, it simply means that I get paid for what I do."

How about.
I am the very best magician available in this price range.

Take my LIFE-PLEASE. Use it, it will get howls from older audiences that remember Henny Youngman's wife joke.

It sounds like you are not actually doing a magic show but rather giving a speech where you have to open with a joke.

Try searching for jokes online and look for ones that are related to education and teachers.

E.g. walk on cross eyed and say "This is my impression of Mr. (insert soft touch teacher here)... I can't control my pupils.

Boom Boom

Hello?

Hello?

Is this thing on?

I am sure you've all heard the one about the parrot and cruise ship magician, well if you haven't here goes. Elaborate with more details if desired but here's the basic joke.

A new magician was hired to perform on the cruise ship but he didn't know about the captain's annoying parrot. Every night the parrot would watch the act and he would divulge the workings of his tricks.

"It's up his sleeve" the parrot would say.

The next night the parrot watched on again, "It's in the trap door" the parrot squawked.

After the show, there was a terrible accident and the ship sank. The magician was clinging for dear life on a floating piece of the wreckage. A few minutes later, the parrot flew over to the magician and lands on a piece of wood floating next to the magician.

The parrot looks right and then turns his head completely around to the left and pauses.

Then the parrot says, "Ok, I give up, where's the ship?"

You are indeed correct, Nicholas J. Johnson, there will be little magic but there will be a requirement for a great opener!

There's been some odd jokes thrown about - still there's a month to the speech so keep them coming!

Howdy phonic,here goes

Hello; As you all know, or maybe you don't know, I'm a magician and I unfortunately just broke up with my girlfriend.... pause (don't actually say pause, hehe) I state your name, (nevermind).

We had conflict in differences.
I am a magician and she is a psychic.

I'm sad to say, she broke up with me before we ever met.

Ok I tried.

If anyone here believes in telekinesis, the ability to move objects with the power of your mind, please raise my hand

There's the joke about Mom waking up Johnny... 'Johnny... time to got to school",
"Aw mom, I hate school, none of the kids like me, they make fun of me... I really don't want to go to school today.

"Now Johnny... you are going to school today... you are the principal and you have to go!!!

It's best if you substitute the real principal's name, of course.

Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?

Actually, the thought of the OP - a white guy from the UK - saying that line, did make me laugh for some odd reason.

But I think your suggestion might be 6 years too late for him.

"You are going to have to excuse me for the way I am speaking to you today. It is because I got little sleep last night. A lady kept banging on my door all night long. She kept pounding on my door keeping me awake. So in the morning time, I finally let her out."

My wife asked me if she died, would I ever ger remarried. I said, "Probably. I have a lot of years left, and although I'd miss you, I would get lonely". She said "Oh.... would you live in this house?". I said, "Probably. This house is comfortable, and we have spent a lot of time making it a home". "Oh, she said...... would you replace my pictures with hers?". I replied, "Well, I wouldn't put yours away, but I would put pictures of us up on the wall and in plain view, sure." Not too happy, she asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And I said, "Certainly not!......she's left-handed"

Heard this one once and it appealed to my sense of humor.......malities, malities,malities, malities....now that's the formalities out of the way.

Since this was posted in April of 2003, can we assume the speech is over and you no longer need free material?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks Spartacus, that made me laugh.

I completely agre with Ryan.

Open with:

I was hanging out with my magician buddies last night and they were bragging about all the great places they are perorming and how well they are doing. They are performing places like..Japan, Europe, China, Korea, Las Vegas and so on.

Boy are they going to jealous when I tell them that I did a magic show......at or for (Name or Location of your choice)
Holiday Inn in Bakersfield.