|
|
Go to page [Previous] 1~2~3 [Next] | ||||||||||
twistedace Inner circle philadelphia 3772 Posts |
How about "I'm glad to be here ladies and gentlemen. While I give this speech I want you to remember that I am a professional, which doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at what I do, it simply means that I get paid for what I do."
|
|||||||||
shomemagic Inner circle Missouri 2232 Posts |
How about.
I am the very best magician available in this price range. |
|||||||||
Review King Eternal Order 14446 Posts |
Take my LIFE-PLEASE. Use it, it will get howls from older audiences that remember Henny Youngman's wife joke.
"Of all words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are, "It might have been" ..........John Greenleaf Whittier |
|||||||||
NJJ Inner circle 6437 Posts |
It sounds like you are not actually doing a magic show but rather giving a speech where you have to open with a joke.
Try searching for jokes online and look for ones that are related to education and teachers. E.g. walk on cross eyed and say "This is my impression of Mr. (insert soft touch teacher here)... I can't control my pupils. Boom Boom Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? |
|||||||||
m.ruetz Veteran user Peoria Arizona, USA 378 Posts |
I am sure you've all heard the one about the parrot and cruise ship magician, well if you haven't here goes. Elaborate with more details if desired but here's the basic joke.
A new magician was hired to perform on the cruise ship but he didn't know about the captain's annoying parrot. Every night the parrot would watch the act and he would divulge the workings of his tricks. "It's up his sleeve" the parrot would say. The next night the parrot watched on again, "It's in the trap door" the parrot squawked. After the show, there was a terrible accident and the ship sank. The magician was clinging for dear life on a floating piece of the wreckage. A few minutes later, the parrot flew over to the magician and lands on a piece of wood floating next to the magician. The parrot looks right and then turns his head completely around to the left and pauses. Then the parrot says, "Ok, I give up, where's the ship?"
MagicGizmo: Magic Articles, Classifieds, Videos, and more
http://magicgizmo.com |
|||||||||
phonic69 Special user 560 Posts |
You are indeed correct, Nicholas J. Johnson, there will be little magic but there will be a requirement for a great opener!
There's been some odd jokes thrown about - still there's a month to the speech so keep them coming! |
|||||||||
magic1178 Loyal user 215 Posts |
Howdy phonic,here goes
Hello; As you all know, or maybe you don't know, I'm a magician and I unfortunately just broke up with my girlfriend.... pause (don't actually say pause, hehe) I state your name, (nevermind). We had conflict in differences. I am a magician and she is a psychic. I'm sad to say, she broke up with me before we ever met. Ok I tried. If anyone here believes in telekinesis, the ability to move objects with the power of your mind, please raise my hand
Derek Johnston
|
|||||||||
drosenbe0813 Elite user Long Island, NY 405 Posts |
There's the joke about Mom waking up Johnny... 'Johnny... time to got to school",
"Aw mom, I hate school, none of the kids like me, they make fun of me... I really don't want to go to school today. "Now Johnny... you are going to school today... you are the principal and you have to go!!! It's best if you substitute the real principal's name, of course. |
|||||||||
Dynamike Eternal Order FullTimer 24148 Posts |
Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?
|
|||||||||
Danny Diamond Inner circle Connecticut 1400 Posts |
Quote:
On 2009-07-31 12:57, Dynamike wrote: Actually, the thought of the OP - a white guy from the UK - saying that line, did make me laugh for some odd reason. But I think your suggestion might be 6 years too late for him.
You don't drown by falling in the water;
you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole |
|||||||||
Dynamike Eternal Order FullTimer 24148 Posts |
"You are going to have to excuse me for the way I am speaking to you today. It is because I got little sleep last night. A lady kept banging on my door all night long. She kept pounding on my door keeping me awake. So in the morning time, I finally let her out."
|
|||||||||
maxpower123 New user 1 Post |
My wife asked me if she died, would I ever ger remarried. I said, "Probably. I have a lot of years left, and although I'd miss you, I would get lonely". She said "Oh.... would you live in this house?". I said, "Probably. This house is comfortable, and we have spent a lot of time making it a home". "Oh, she said...... would you replace my pictures with hers?". I replied, "Well, I wouldn't put yours away, but I would put pictures of us up on the wall and in plain view, sure." Not too happy, she asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And I said, "Certainly not!......she's left-handed"
|
|||||||||
Kel says poof Regular user 200 Posts |
Heard this one once and it appealed to my sense of humor.......malities, malities,malities, malities....now that's the formalities out of the way.
|
|||||||||
Jim Sparx Inner circle Far Out, Texas 1144 Posts |
Since this was posted in April of 2003, can we assume the speech is over and you no longer need free material?
Et tu, Spartacus?
https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/chispadeelpaso.html |
|||||||||
AllAboutMagic Veteran user California 333 Posts |
Quote:
On 2012-11-23 16:31, spartacus wrote: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks Spartacus, that made me laugh. |
|||||||||
Gord New user 59 Posts |
I completely agre with Ryan.
|
|||||||||
Neznarf Inner circle NY then AZ now 1840 Posts |
Open with:
I was hanging out with my magician buddies last night and they were bragging about all the great places they are perorming and how well they are doing. They are performing places like..Japan, Europe, China, Korea, Las Vegas and so on. Boy are they going to jealous when I tell them that I did a magic show......at or for (Name or Location of your choice) Holiday Inn in Bakersfield.
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
|
|||||||||
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Needed - a great joke to start a speech! (0 Likes) | ||||||||||
Go to page [Previous] 1~2~3 [Next] |
[ Top of Page ] |
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2024 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved. This page was created in 0.02 seconds requiring 5 database queries. |
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic. > Privacy Statement < |