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Steve Yarosko Loyal user 285 Posts |
Paul,
I watched the YouTube videos of your performance at the Magic Castle and really enjoyed it. I like the way that you encorporate anthropology and things that interest you into your routines. I am trying to do the same. I was listening to the Magic Newswire's podcast with Eugene Burger, and this question should be directed at him, but since you are here, I'd thought I'd ask you. In a passing comment on the podcast Eugene mentioned magicians with terribly over-written scripts. He really didn't go into detail about it, but it has been bugging me ever since. I am not sure what an over-written script is, but my best guess is a script that gets in the way of the magic, and sounds un-natural. I've written some stories to go along with my routines, how do I avoid over-writing the scripts or stories? I hope it isn't unfair to ask you to interpret what Eugene Burger meant in a passing comment, I am hoping that an over-written script or dialoge is a common issue in the theater arts world (of which I am woefulling lacking in knowledge). Thanks for being here, Steve |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
A short story by Ernest Hemingway:
For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn ----------------------------------------- At only 6 words, this is a highly evocative story. At least 3 different emotions as the story progresses. Their is a back story alluded to. The three main topics of popular stories are addressed: Sex, Money and Death. This is a wonderful script! Perhaps Einstein said it best when he said: "Make everything as simple as possible, but no simpler." Magicians and mentalists must: 1) write scripts 2) refine scripts 3) rewrite scripts in a second draft 4) rewrite scripts in a third draft 5) cut any lines that are not necessary. (No matter how much we love them) 6) find out if it plays when tested before live audiences. 7) make further revisions, adaptations, modifications. Until we have a final draft! 8) Be willing to change, add and revise over time! However, it is hard to even give advice on this topic, as most magicians and mentalists never even manage to climb up to step 1. -Paul Draper |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
Post one of your scripts and lets work on it. See how clean we can make it without loosing any of important parts.
Polish and clarify. -Paul Draper |
moos New user 19 Posts |
Hi..... Me again, the rookie.
Beginner question. What should a script look like? |
BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
Here's a script for my performance of Dean Dill's effect Nana's Necklace.
----------- (INTERIOR, almost anywhere. BARRY has two velvet cords upon which are strung three beads.) BARRY This is a classic of magic found in the oldest magic book written in English, The Discovery of Witchcraft, by Reginald Scot, written in 1585. (BARRY tugs on the ends of the cords and offers them to JULIA.) BARRY Solid, right? (BARRY slides the beads off the cord and into JULIA'S hand.) BARRY And no trap doors, no mirrors, and no holes.., JULIA Well, it has a hole here... BARRY But otherwise, the beads are solid, correct? JULIA Yes. (As BARRY speaks, he threads the three beads on the two cords.) BARRY Reginald Scot described magic tricks and their methods so that his contemporaries wouldn't burn magicians at the stake. He felt he was doing a valuable public service. The book was so well regarded and influential… that most copies were burned (!) shortly after its publication. (BARRY displays the three beads threaded on the two cords.) BARRY Scot gives a great description of HOW this trick is done, but he is silent about WHY anyone would do it. After much research, I figured out the reason: TO IMPRESS GIRLS! (The audience laughs. BARRY holds his hand palm up.) BARRY JULIA, hold your hand like this... (BARRY places the beads in JULIA's hand.) BARRY …and close it. (BARRY gently turns JULIA's hand over. He then ties one cord around JULIA's wrist, holds her hand, and looks directly at her.) BARRY WHY I tie about thy wrist, JULIA, this silken twist; For what other reason is 't But to show thee how, in part, Thou my pretty captive art? But thy bond-slave is my heart: 'Tis but silk that bindeth thee, Knap the thread and thou art free; But 'tis otherwise with me: I am bound and fast bound, so That from thee I cannot go; If I could, I would not so. (BARRY addresses the rest of the audience.) BARRY But if poetry doesn't charm her, it's time for plan B: impress her with some magic. A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand. (BARRY looks at JULIA. He becomes a bit more intense, and raises one eyebrow.) BARRY (Slowly, one word at a time) Don't -- let -- go. (BARRY grasps the ends of the cords and focuses his attention on JULIA's hand. After a suitable build up, he pulls on the ends of the cords, and they penetrate through the beads and through JULIA's hand.) BARRY And if that doesn't impress the girl, it's time to give up! FINIS
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
moos New user 19 Posts |
Thanks Barry!
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Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
Wonderful! Thank you for taking the time to write up your script. It is an honor to have the opportunity to workshop the script with you on here!
Now it is important to point out that this is Barry's script. Please don't hurt the magic brotherhood by using it! This belongs to him and he is being very kind to share it with us. Thank you Barry! Step 1) I want you to go through and cut any unnecessary words: Example: A classic of magic, from the oldest English magic text , The Discovery of Witchcraft, by Reginald Scot, 1585. (BARRY tugs on the ends of the cords and offers them to JULIA.) BARRY Solid? (BARRY slides the beads off the cord and into JULIA'S hand.) BARRY No trap doors, mirrors, holes.., And then post again. Remember. Only use words that are needed to move the plot and effect along. |
BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
The Bracelet (the name of the poem by Robert Herrick that's embedded in the script)
Version 2 ------ (INTERIOR, almost anywhere. BARRY has two velvet cords upon which are strung three beads.) BARRY A classic of magic, from the oldest English magic text , The Discovery of Witchcraft, by Reginald Scot, 1585. (BARRY tugs on the ends of the cords and offers them to JULIA.) BARRY Solid? (BARRY slides the beads off the cord and into JULIA'S hand.) BARRY No trap doors, mirrors, holes.., JULIA Well, it has a hole here... BARRY Otherwise, solid? JULIA Yes. (As BARRY speaks, he threads the three beads on the two cords.) BARRY Scot was trying to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. Ironically, most copies of his book were burned instead. (BARRY displays the three beads threaded on the two cords.) BARRY Scot describes HOW this trick is done, but not WHY. I’ve figured it out. (Smiles and pause briefly) To impress girls! (The audience laughs. BARRY holds his hand palm up.) BARRY JULIA, hold your hand like this. (BARRY places the beads in JULIA's hand.) BARRY Close it. (BARRY gently turns JULIA's hand over. He then ties one cord around JULIA's wrist, holds her hand, and looks directly at her.) BARRY WHY I tie about thy wrist, JULIA, this silken twist; For what other reason is 't But to show thee how, in part, Thou my pretty captive art? But thy bond-slave is my heart: 'Tis but silk that bindeth thee, Knap the thread and thou art free; But 'tis otherwise with me: I am bound and fast bound, so That from thee I cannot go; If I could, I would not so. (BARRY is a bit disgruntled. He addresses the rest of the audience.) BARRY Poetry doesn't impress her. Let’s try magic. “A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand.” (BARRY looks at JULIA. He becomes a bit more intense, and raises one eyebrow.) BARRY (Slowly, one word at a time) Don't -- let -- go. (BARRY grasps the ends of the cords and focuses his attention on JULIA's hand. After a suitable build up, he pulls on the ends of the cords, and they penetrate through the beads and through JULIA's hand.) BARRY OK, I give up! FINIS
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
How can this be said more powerfully? While keeping the focus on the next beat of the effect. Tis isn't an effect about burning magicians... or books.... this is an effect about magicians impressing girls!
"Scot was trying to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. Ironically, most copies of his book were burned instead. " -------------------------------------------- "Poetry doesn't impress her." This line steps on the core of your text. Why set yourself up to step on yourself? If you are assuming that they won't like the poem. Cut it. If you are assuming that they will like the poem, don't step on it. --------------------------- "let's try magic" Is magic so trivial? Let's try salt? Or is it building to a climax? What are words that could be used to embellish the joy and power of the magic? ----------------------------- “A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand.” Does the audience know about Fast and loose? Does this concept add to the magic? Is there a better metaphor to paint an image in the audience of the action you are about to take? If the super objective is to impress the girl (and we can change that). Then this climax moment needs to be about why what you are about to do will impress her. Why you accomplishing this feat will please her. Maybe a promise from her that she will bless you with a smile if... ---------------------- "OK, I give up! " Am I confused? Is this plot about a bumbling magician who doesn't make girls happy? If so, we can go in that direction. If not, the closing beat should reiterate something about the ancient origin of the effect (As that is how you opened), re emphasize the super objective, perhaps in a poetic sentence. That would tie it all together and as such wrap it closed with a bow. |
BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
For the sake of this discussion, let's suppose that the idea behind this presentation is this:
--- Historians have conjectured that Scot wrote The Discovery of Witchcraft to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. My research has uncovered his real motive: to impress girls! --- I have a strong desire to keep the poem in the presentation. Also the line, “A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand” is a direct quote from Scot's book, and I'd like to retain that as well. A little later tonight, I'll revise the script. Perhaps the poetry is a necessary part of the spell. Once the lady has been softened by the poetry, then the magic can occur...
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
Good. There is a lot of clarity coming through now!
Wonderful! If it is from Scot and that is important to you for that reason, we should know it. It also works as a callback to the previous statement. I am excited to see the next version. Make sure that the story is told. Wonderful work! |
BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
THE BRACELET
Version 3 ----- (INTERIOR, almost anywhere. BARRY has two velvet cords upon which are strung three beads.) BARRY A classic of magic, from the oldest English magic text , The Discovery of Witchcraft, by Reginald Scot, 1585. (BARRY tugs on the ends of the cords and offers them to JULIA.) BARRY Solid? (BARRY slides the beads off the cord and into JULIA'S hand.) BARRY No trap doors, mirrors, holes.., JULIA Well, it has a hole here... BARRY Otherwise, solid? JULIA Yes. (As BARRY speaks, he threads the three beads on the two cords.) BARRY Historians say that Scot was trying to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. Ironically, most copies of his book were burned instead. (BARRY displays the three beads threaded on the two cords.) BARRY Scot only describes HOW this trick is done, but not WHY. I’ve figured it out. (Smiles and pause briefly) To impress girls! (The audience laughs. BARRY holds his hand palm up.) BARRY JULIA, hold your hand like this. (BARRY places the beads in JULIA's hand.) BARRY Close it. (BARRY gently turns JULIA's hand over. He then ties one cord around JULIA's wrist, holds her hand, and looks directly at her for a few moments. Then he offers an aside to the audience.) BARRY A magic spell, to set the mood: (BARRY’S attention is back on Julia. He addresses her with tenderness and affection.) WHY I tie about thy wrist, JULIA, this silken twist; For what other reason is 't But to show thee how, in part, Thou my pretty captive art? But thy bond-slave is my heart: 'Tis but silk that bindeth thee, Knap the thread and thou art free; But 'tis otherwise with me: I am bound and fast bound, so That from thee I cannot go; If I could, I would not so. (BARRY smiles. He addresses the rest of the audience.) BARRY Now that she’s in the right frame of mind, ANYTHING is possible. As Scot said, “A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand.” (BARRY looks at JULIA. He becomes a bit more intense, and raises one eyebrow.) BARRY (Slowly, one word at a time) Don't -- let -- go. (BARRY grasps the ends of the cords and focuses his attention on JULIA's hand. After a suitable build up, he pulls on the ends of the cords, and they penetrate through the beads and through JULIA's hand.) BARRY Even though it’s over four hundred years old, it still works! FINIS ----- I like this better, but it still can be improved. Now what should we do to improve this line: "Historians say that Scot was trying to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. Ironically, most copies of his book were burned instead."
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
1) How can you change the following line to better answer the original statement: To impress girls!
Even though it’s over four hundred years old, it still works! 2) I am still torn by this sentence. I love the history. But it doesn't advance the plot or take us in the right direction.... More words, less words, different theme. I'm not sure what it needs... How do we make this sentence play into the plot, or how do we make this a dark secondary theme of the effect? Historians say that Scot was trying to keep 16th century magicians from being burned at the stake. Ironically, most copies of his book were burned instead. |
moos New user 19 Posts |
Thank you both for this thread, as I'm working on my first script I find this very inspiring and intressting.... cant wait for the next post in this thread....
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BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
I've decided to forget about magicians being burned at the stake, and focus the presentation on the difference between the HOW and the WHY. I've added a different tag line. Let me know what you think.
THE BRACELET Version 4 --- (INTERIOR, almost anywhere. BARRY has two velvet cords upon which are strung three beads.) BARRY A classic of magic, from the oldest English magic text , The Discovery of Witchcraft, by Reginald Scot, 1585. (BARRY tugs on the ends of the cords and offers them to JULIA.) BARRY Solid? (BARRY slides the beads off the cord and into JULIA'S hand.) BARRY No trap doors, mirrors, holes.., JULIA Well, it has a hole here... BARRY Otherwise, solid? JULIA Yes. (As BARRY speaks, he threads the three beads on the two cords.) BARRY Scot’s descriptions are so detailed and precise that magicians can still perform his tricks over four hundred years later. (BARRY displays the three beads threaded on the two cords.) BARRY Scot describes HOW this trick is done, but not WHY. I’ve figured it out. (Smiles and pause briefly) To impress girls! (The audience laughs. BARRY holds his hand palm up.) BARRY JULIA, hold your hand like this. (BARRY places the beads in JULIA's hand.) BARRY Close it. (BARRY gently turns JULIA's hand over. He then ties one cord around JULIA's wrist, holds her hand, and looks directly at her for a few moments. Then he offers an aside to the audience.) BARRY A magic spell, to set the mood: (BARRY’S attention is back on Julia. He addresses her with tenderness and affection.) WHY I tie about thy wrist, JULIA, this silken twist; For what other reason is 't But to show thee how, in part, Thou my pretty captive art? But thy bond-slave is my heart: 'Tis but silk that bindeth thee, Knap the thread and thou art free; But 'tis otherwise with me: I am bound and fast bound, so That from thee I cannot go; If I could, I would not so. (BARRY smiles. He addresses the rest of the audience.) BARRY Now that she’s in the right frame of mind, ANYTHING is possible. (BARRY mimes what is about to happen.) As Scot said, “A notable feate of fast or loose; namelie to pull three beadstones from off a cord, while I hold fast the ends thereof, without the removing of your hand.” (BARRY looks at JULIA. He becomes a bit more intense, and raises one eyebrow.) BARRY (Slowly, one word at a time) Don't -- let -- go. (BARRY grasps the ends of the cords and focuses his attention on JULIA's hand. After a suitable build up, he pulls on the ends of the cords, and they penetrate through the beads and through JULIA's hand.) BARRY And that’s how magicians charmed their ladies in the sixteenth century! (The AUDIENCE applauds, and the magician takes his bow.) FINIS
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
Paul Draper V.I.P. Las Vegas, Nevada 245 Posts |
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap*
Yeah!!!!! This is so much better than the original! Simple changes. And now there is a clear story, purpose and energy. It adds up to a wonderful moment. And makes you a charmer! Men will want to be you and women will want to be with you! How do you feel about it? -Paul |
BarryFernelius Inner circle Still learning, even though I've made 2537 Posts |
I feel great! The improved presentation is much more focused. I particularly like the new tag line because it connects everything together and it provides a much better applause cue.
"But where are the bits of business with the audience and with Julia," I can hear some of you saying. Don't worry; the script represents the essential presentation, the parts that can't be omitted. As I continue to perform this for real people, I may try some new ideas. Because I have a script, I have the freedom to experiment a bit, knowing that I have a solid foundation for this effect. There are going to be some folks who look at this process and think to themselves, "This is a waste of time. I perform for people all the time, they seem to enjoy it, and I don't have a script." Actually, you have a script; you just haven't written it down yet. Using a small digital recorder that can be easily concealed, record the next performance of your favorite effect. Then, transcribe it. Voila! You have a script. Now, take a brutally honest look at it. It's not a pretty sight. Roll up your sleeves, and get to work...
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time."
-Leonard Bernstein |
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