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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » The words we use » » What to say when things go wrong...very wrong. (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Clifford the Red
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Hey, **** happens so what is your favorite tension releaser?

My favorites are -

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps. (quote from Emo Phillips)

and from Eugene -

Well, back to the drawing board with that one!
"The universe is full of magical things, waiting for our wits to grow sharper." Eden Philpotts
Whiterabbit
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Kevin Mc Lean
278 Posts

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If something went irretrievably wrong.

"Hmmm, that's almost like magic, except magic actually does something... How about we rearrange this and... ta dah (should be reset by then). Okay, not impressive, this is just very clever misdirection (then your best vanish, transformation, whatever). See, you knew things would turn out fine..."

Above all keep calm or appear to really scared in a fake highly theatrical way. Never let them know you've screwed up.
May your fingers never lose their deftness,

May your tongue always lead them down the garden path...



Regards,



Whiterabbit
Kenn Capman
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Southwestern Michigan
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"Well THERE'S something you don't see everyday . . .unless you're ME!"

(Looking at exposed gimmick or flashed item) "If it were THIS easy anyone could do it . . . except me apparently."

"Well now that we've covered the comedy portion of the show, let's quickly move into the magic part."

"You didn't want to see that one anyway . . . oh wait, you DID see that one!"
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents."
- Salvador Dali -
Bill
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and Pretty Nice Guy
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LMAF!!

Kenn those are GREAT!
Jaz
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Quote:
What to say when things go wrong...very wrong.


&*^#$S&%)(*&@
Jon Allen
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"Good job I gave up being a bomb disposal expert"
The Silent Treatment - Digital Edition: this iconic routine just got upgraded! Watch - http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=phTDUhX0m9o

Watch the brilliant effect, Rule of Three: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CytuXsCbL0 and order it from www.onlinemagicshop.co.uk

Order the bar-raising DVD set 'Connection' at www.onlinemagicshop.co.uk
Jonathan Townsend
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Eternal Order
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Guess we need some more eye of newt
and perhaps a bit less tricky cards?
...to all the coins I've dropped here
Eirik
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Oslo
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I remember readin Scott F. Guinn thoughts on this:

"If I flash something and someone calls me on it, that’s not heckling. It’s MY fault, not the spectator’s. I’ll usually say something like, “Sir, pretend you didn’t see that. The rest of you, pretend you didn’t hear him. All of you pretend I’m a magician—I’m obviously pretending I am!"

A nice way to make comedy out of a magicians most unpleasant situation..

-e-
...As long as i`m not a world-champion at anything, the great reactions of doin` magic will do just fine.....
tony4938
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Oldham, England , Germany
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Excellent Eirik, I'll remember that one!
Dr_Stephen_Midnight
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Quote from the late Duke Stern when his triple cut&restored rope routine went 'foobar':

"Now, at this point a magician would put the rope back together."
(tosses the rope over his shoulder)
"Gee, I wish I could do that!"

Steve
Dr. Lao: "Do you know what wisdom is?"
Mike: "No."
Dr. Lao: "Wise answer."
Lee Darrow
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"Don't feel bad, think how I feel having to stand up here and do this for a living!" - works well for those moments where something goes drastically wrong.

"Hmmmm, victimized again by a random gust of gravity!" - when you drop something.

"Well it was supposed to be an illusion. Obviously not a very impressive one..." - for those moments where you get to the Ta-Da! part and no one reacts.

"Heck, it worked when Coperfield did it! But then, I'm not on the same pay scale as he is..." for assorted screw ups.

Stop, salute the dropped object and fake a trumpet doing "Taps" for dropped objects (or worse, a dead bird that was supposed to fly out of the handkerchief...)

Do the sound effect for Dr. McCoy's medical tricorder and say - "It's dead, Jim! The trick died trying to save us from boredom!"

Hope these help!

Lee Darrow, C.H.
http://www.leedarrow.com
<BR>"Because NICE Matters!"
Daniel Faith
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Here's a collection of them for ya.

Thank God gravity still works!

I have just upgraded to the newest version of Windows. I think I need a reboot.

If your using cards, get out the invisible deck as an out.

But that's just a trick. Now let me show you some magic.

If at first you don't succeed, then failure is a real possibility.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. (Perhaps rip up a card)

I forgot to compensate for the rotational effect of the earth

Did you feel that sudden flux of gravity?

Hmmm. It worked in the magic store.

It's all part of the show folks...the part that hasn't been rehearsed.

That’s the first time that ever happened…again.

It doesn't look as bad from my side.

It would have been cool though…

It must be one of those new coins. They are gravity enhanced.

Wow, good thing the floor was there ... no telling how far that could have gone.

I believe it's important to tip the janitor.

This place is so wild, coins don't even obey the law.... Of gravity

My dropping the coin may seem an accident, but it makes the rest of the act look really good.

Oh, I thought you said drop it.

Wow it's so quiet in here, you could hear a career drop.

Well…mistakes do happen. My parents said that’s how I got here.

While I pretend to mess up a trick, my assistant is leading an elephant into the other room.

Wrong? I am never wrong. There was one time when I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

Last time I buy something from Acme Magic.

If it were THIS easy anyone could do it . . . except me apparently.

Well now that we've covered the comedy portion of the show, let's quickly move into the magic part.

You didn't want to see that one anyway . . . oh wait, you DID see that one!

Did you see that? Too bad…you just missed a quickie.

We interrupt this trick for a test of my brain. This is only a test.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled magic trick to bring you this other magic trick that I didn’t completely forget how to do.
Daniel Faith
The Mac
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South Africa
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1. when something is seen (flashed)- if you pretend you didn't see that, I'll pretend you didn't.

2. when you blow a trick completely : I never got the hang of this magic stuff..I knew I shoulda quit when I tried to pull the hat out of the rabbit.

3. Dropping cards : I know what you're thinking, and you're rigght that was done with smoke and mirrors.
rossmacrae
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Arlington, Virginia
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"The real magician will be here in a few minutes, folks."
Magicmike1949
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"Normally I would've concealed that little mishap from you with smoke and mirrors, but they don't allow smoking in here."

"Did I mention that this one is still a work in progress?"

"You know I recently purchased this trick on ebay. Remind me to give the seller some very negative feedback." Or...

"For you shoppers, this trick will be appearing tomorrow on ebay."

"And some of you thought magic was easy."

"Anyone in the audience named Gandolf? I could use some help right about now."

Or you could say..."Is Harry Potter in the house?"

"And that, ladies and gentleman, is my impersonation of my uncle Charlie doing a card trick."

"For my next trick... I will be erasing your memory of what has just transpired."

Speaking to an imaginary person offstage, "Your honor, I request you to instruct the audience to disregard that last trick and not let it influence their deliberations when deciding whether to applaud."

"For my next trick I shall read your collective minds(pause) You are all thinking...He just screwed that other trick up.... Am I right? Thank you."

"Aha! It appears that now the tables have turned, and it is I who am deceived. Now that's entertainment."

"This is something you won't see at a David Copperfield show."

"Now if I were David Blaine, I'd just edit this out, and you'd never see it."

"For those of you videotaping: please stop and rewind."

Look up surprised and say,"I thought I said no flash photography." Then move on.

"The hand may be quicker than the eye, but apparently my brain is slower than both."

After looking at your watch,"I think maybe my Viagra is kicking in, and my mind is elsewhere." Wouldn't recommend using this one at kid's shows, but your mileage may vary.

"If you think that looked bad from your point of view, you should have seen it from mine."

"Oh, if only I could disappear."

"I can see the headlines now... 'Magician fools self.'"

After checking your watch,"My 15 minutes of fame is apparently over."

"I have decided tonight to be the masked magician-- revealing to you how the trick is done; but without the mask."

"Thank goodness that was a card trick, and not my sawing you in-half finale."

"You were expecting a miracle?"

"Had this worked, you all would've been amazed. As it is, only I am astonished."

"It is at this point that I wish I had a scantily clad assistant to bail me out."

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my proof of Murphy's Law."

"If I were Shakespeare, I would know what to say now. I would write...Magician exits stage left."

"When Houdini found himself in a similar situation, it is said that he simply escaped."

"At least you know I'm not using trick cards."

"This is the dress rehearsal, right?"

"Did I mention that I only do magic to amuse myself?"

"Man, I wish I liked to practice."

Pull out a copy of Magic for Dummies, peruse its contents. Then say, "Someday I'm going to read this."

"Okay this sucks, but it beats sitting home watching QVC."

"Would everyone please now bow your heads and close your eyes for a moment of silence in remembrance of the dying magician."

"For those of you with cell phones, please dial 911.I'm in serious trouble here."

"A true professional never lets you see him sweat. So would you all please close your eyes until I can put on another shirt."

"You are very lucky....If I were your surgeon, instead of your magician, you'd be dead now."

"Anyone up for an intermission?"

"Could someone please scream 'Fire!'"

"Okay. Let's pretend that I'm the Emperor, and I'm wearing no clothes.Everyone please look away, but tell me how great I am."

"In the art of legerdermain, this is what is known as 'Le screw up.'"

Pull out an envelope that says on it "Prediction". Open up the envelope and read from it, "The magician will botch this trick."

"Well, it fooled them at the nursing home."

"Thank goodness, I don't work with white tigers."

"This is why I'm the only magician people want to play cards with."

"If you could've seen me do this in front of the mirror at home you would've loved it."

"Please hit the pause button on your remotes and go get something from the refrigerator. I'll be here when you get back."

"If I had a nickel for every time this trick went wrong, I could afford to be doing something besides magic."

"And that is my impersonation of George Bush performing magic."


I believe it was Vernon who upon turning over the wrong card said something along the lines of, " I'm certain you're surprised by that, but I assure you no one is more surprised than I am."
Magicmike1949
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A few more since my last post:

"This trick is like my electric shaver in the desert...It ain't gonna work."

"I call this trick, 'Bummer'".

"Then what was your card? (After receiving their response) Oh, that's the Bin Laden card. No one can find it."

"If I were Emeril the Magician, I'd throw some garlic on this trick, and you would all applaud wildly. Then mime that action as you shout "BAM!" (And hope they applaud. If not, repeat until they do.)

"This what happens when you enjoy surfing for porn more than practicing your magic."

"This effect was taken from my performance on David Letterman doing stupid human tricks."

"This is apparently that rare instance when you can't fool any of the people, any of the time."

"Were I practicing law right now, I'd be disbarred. As it is, I think I'll just make my way to the bar.

"I bet you won't ask me to do that one again."

"Thank goodness I'm not an air traffic controller."

"Since I've taken an oath not to tell you how the tricks are done, I thought I'd just show you how."

"After the show I'll be performing free vasectomies."

"Why can't there be a power failure when you need it?"

"See it's really not as much fun when you know how it's done."

"If there is a Coroner present, would you please pronounce this trick dead, so that we can put it to rest."

"I call this,'The Honeymoon Trick'. Meaning 'It's over, Baby.'"

"In the immortal words of Tom Cruise from the movie Risky Business...'Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the.....well, you know what I mean.."

"Anyone out there got any smoke and mirrors?"

"In order for this to work, you all need to be completely stoned."

"I feel like a real idiot now, but I bet you do too for watching."

"I only I were Bill Clinton, and you were Hillary. This still could've worked."

"Normally right now the music pipes in with Brenda Lee singing, 'I'm Sorry.'"

"If this trick were a greeting card, it would be blank inside so you could write your own ending, 'cause I don't have one."

"The number one rule for magicians is that if a trick fails, it is Never the spectator's fault. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule...."

"This is most unusual.I can assure you that my performance tonight is not indicative of my performance in the bedroom."

"I suppose I'll have to go back to the magic chat room to find out how the darned thing works."

"Someone call my lawyer and tell him to file a petition for reorganization."

"In the words of the great Johnny Cochran, 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.' Well,if you mess up the bit, then you must take a........deep breath and gone on with your next effect."
Bob Sanders
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Daniel,

Now people will know why there is a brainwave deck in my coat breast pocket almost all the time! In the hassle, I reach in my coat pocket and drop the deck down my sleeve. You know the rest!

I've had to do that a few times since before cars had fins. It's a great out. It even looks like magic!

Bob
Magic By Sander

PS - I can tell when I'm going to need it. It starts out, "Take a card, any card."
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz

AmazedWiz@MagicBySander.com

http://www.magicbysander.com/
David Garrity
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There is actually a book out for when things like this happen!

It is called; "What to say... When You're Dying on the Platform" by Lilly Walters. You can get it on Amazon. It is a fun read as well as informative.

Sincerely...
David
Bob Sanders
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David,

Did she say that I was the "before" picture?

Bob
Magic By Sander
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz

AmazedWiz@MagicBySander.com

http://www.magicbysander.com/
Whitewolfny
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I couldn't help notice how many of these come backs would be great for a ventriloquist's figure to use. I wish I had known some of these when my rabbit poked his head around from the back of my flip-over box.
Braxton Mannar
<BR>Just an old dog trying to learn new tricks Smile
weepinwil
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"For $5 I will show any of you how this trick is done correctly after the show."
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie

Check out my books written by Richard Grayson.

www.weepinwillie.org
stephenbanning
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Hello Clifford,

What a great question.

There's another book on this topic called "Outs, Precautions, and Challenges" that discuss how to get over various problems. The Brainwave and Invisible Decks are just two options. This is strictly for card magic and uses a number of ways to cover yourself ahead of time and then find outs. This is a very good read for understanding what can go wrong with a trick and planning individual back up plans for each.

I try to look at every forseeable problem including equipment failure and alcohol impaired patrons. If a trick is too risky, I don't do it. When I was starting out, I occasionally had problems where I had not practiced enough. For that I kept a wand in a box and a change bag. If a rope or silk trick started to go awry, I decided, I could put it in the change bag and change it into a blendo. I had the wand in case I needed to drop off something that had flashed in my hand. I actually never used either of them, but had them set up for years. I use a lot of sucker tricks and the audience doesn't know what is going to happen so anything that doesn't go as planned is segued when possible into something that does work.

I do like the "bomb" lines, but I like to use those for planned apparent emergencies during "magician in trouble" scenarios.

I hope this helps.
Jonathan Townsend
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"... and when the bleeding stops and the wounds heal, you will find a scar in the shape of..."
...to all the coins I've dropped here
Ollie1235
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"ok, is there chance that nobody was looking then?"

"i was gonna show you how that one worked anyway"

ollie
JonathanM
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Jonathan
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Something drops on the floor..
David Williamson would always let it fall without immediately picking it up, look as his watch while saying "OK, and we'll keep that on the floor for a few seconds" (pause and stare at his wrist watch for about 5 seconds) then say "that's long enough" and then pick it up.
Jonathan Meyer
<BR>Tuttle, Oklahoma
<BR>www.jonathanmagic.com
<BR>
<BR>"Take a card........NOT THAT ONE......did i just say that outloud?"
PyroJeffNic
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I have some bad news... that did not work.
BUT I have some good news, I just switched to Geico and saved 15% on my car insurance.
retrostylemagic
Brent McLeod
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Quote:
On 2004-12-02 10:02, Eirik wrote:
I remember readin Scott F. Guinn thoughts on this:

"If I flash something and someone calls me on it, that’s not heckling. It’s MY fault, not the spectator’s. I’ll usually say something like, “Sir, pretend you didn’t see that. The rest of you, pretend you didn’t hear him. All of you pretend I’m a magician—I’m obviously pretending I am!"

A nice way to make comedy out of a magicians most unpleasant situation..

-e-


Very classy & quick thinking-Thanks for sharing
Josh Riel
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of hell
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Until I have the chance to remember all of the things stated herein, I demand this become a sticky!

I fail often.
I love you, well not you but the guy behind you, no not the ugly one, the girl.

No, not that girl... forget it.
rumburak
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This is definitely a very useful thread.

I will set some rehearsal time aside to learn a few of the lines from here. This practice time will be missing for my regular preparation which will make it even more likely that I will need these lines Smile
God-glorified
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"I have some bad news... that did not work.
BUT I have some good news, I just switched to Geico and saved 15% on my car insurance."

I LIKE IT!
Ephes. 2:8-9



For by GRACE are ye saved through faith; and that NOT OF YOURSELVES: it is the gift of God: NOT OF WORKS, lest any man should boast.
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