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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Some corny jokes (2 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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joseph
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Without geometry, life is pointless....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
pkg
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Three men, an American a Lebanese and a Syrian, were asked about “their opinion on electricity blackout”

The American responded: “What’s a blackout?”
The Lebanese responded: “What’s electricity?”
The Syrian responded…….”What’s opinion?”
Double posters should be shot!

No really!!
joseph
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Sometimes diapers and politicians have to be changed— and for the same reason....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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One day a man was walking on the beach and saw a girl with no arms or legs crying.

The man went up to the girl and asked why she was crying. The girl said, "i'm 21 and I have no arms or legs and I've never been kissed."

The man bent down and gave her the most softest, gentelist kiss and then he started to walk away.

Then he heard the girl crying again. He went back and asked, "Why are you crying now?"

The girl said, "I have no arms or legs, I'm 21 and I've never been screwed."

The man bends down, picks up the girl and throws her into the ocean.

Then the man said, "You've been screwed now baby!"

Posted: Jan 21, 2006 12:48pm
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

Posted: Jan 21, 2006 12:49pm
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The redneck replies, "Ghost!? Oh! I thought you said "goats!!'"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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If swimming is so good for your figure, please explain whales!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Pdiddler, CA)

Knock Knock! Who's There? A dumb burglar. (Mark, Texas)

Proverb: If you give a man a fish he can eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will buy a boat and spend the whole day on the lake drinking beer with his idiot buddies.

10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizophrenic. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Yo mama''s so fat, she don't need the Internet - she's already world wide!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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What do you call a pig tumbling down a hill? Pork Roll...

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack ...

Bubba got pulled over by the cops. "Let's see your license," says the cop. "Ain't got one," says Bubba. "Do you have any I.D.?" asks the cop. "About what?" says Bubba. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog.

The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"

The student replied, "It's dead."

The teacher asked, "How do you know for sure?"

The boy said, "I ****ed in its ear."

Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, Psst and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."

Posted: Jan 23, 2006 6:18am
Two girls and a guy are trespassing in a farmers field, and the farmer catches them, and decides to take them to court. During the next month, they go to court, and the farmers lawyer asks the first girl.

"What were you doing during the time you was inside that field."

The girl replies... "i was blowing bubbles."

The next girl was asked the exact same question, and she replied:

"Blowing bubbles"

The lawyer then goes on to the man and says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles too."

And the man replies:

"No, I AM bubbles!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A blind man was terminating his relationship with his girlfriend. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore!"...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes?...

Posted: Jan 24, 2006 3:44pm
Customer: This coffee tastes like dirt!
Waiter: That's odd, it was ground this morning...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

" What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

" Look around," said! the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Co - Pilot: "Gee, Skip, look down there - those people look like ants!" Pilot: "They are ants, kid - we haven't taken off yet." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A doctor had an affair with one of his patients, and his concience started to get the best of him. he heard the two voices of concience, the angel and the devil arguing in his head:

"Angel; You know you should NOT have done that!

Devil; Why? What's wrong with that?

Angel; Well, it's immoral!

Devil: So what. All doctors are allowed at least ONE afair with a patient!

Angel: But you're a VET!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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The most important piece of advice I'm giving to my son is: When you and your new bride go furniture shopping, YOU pick the couch. You'll be thankful later. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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There was once a mystical land far away where there was a lever. If you pulled the lever, then the world would end. One day there was a snake named Nate walking along the road, near where the lever was. Nate was highly regarded. A truck driver whose truck had bad brakes came along the road. Nate was there, and the lever was there. The truck driver had to hit one of them. At the last second, he turned and hit Nate, saving the rest of the world. Moral of the story: better Nate than Lever....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
pkg
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THE HORSE AND THE RABBIT

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud
hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and
ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the
rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again
and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to
go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and
said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and
pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes.

Posted: Jan 26, 2006 8:35am
A guy got in the elevator with Saddam Hussien and a rattlesnake and a
lawyer.
He had a gun- but he only had two bullets, so he shot the lawyer twice!

Posted: Jan 26, 2006 8:37am
Wife: "I've changed my mind."
Husband: "Thank heaven. Does it work any better now?"
Double posters should be shot!

No really!!
joseph
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Patient: "Doctor, I cant feel my legs!"
Doctor: "That's because I've amputated your arms." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any gwapes? (grapes)" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any gwapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any gwapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No!!!!,"

"Good. Got any gwapes?"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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