Be alert. The world needs lerts.

“Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.
But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”...

Books I'll Be Reading This Summer:


HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS
by Warren Peace

I LOST MY BALANCE
by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY
by Hans Zupp

I HATE THE SUN
by Gladys Knight

PRISON SECURITY
by Barb Dwyer

What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
A fence...

Saw on Ebay where a guy was selling a big collection of old CERTS...you know those breath things...

All in "mint condition"

I did a coin flip to see whether I should post that one...and lost.

You know when you are too fat when you haul butt, you have to make 2 trips...
You step on the scale and it says..."One at a time, please."...

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up crying every four hours and s**t myself.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?...

They've discovered a bird that can take off and land vertically... it's called a Harrier Pigeon.

There are 2 rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know...

Golf Warning...

The Department of Wildlife &Fisheries advises American golfers to take extra precautions against bears, while playing on golf courses in Wyoming and Montana National Forests.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. For example, golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings on the golf course.

Black Bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly Bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Today's definition:

Optimist: an investment banker who irons five shirts on Sunday evening...

Never stand on top of toilet , you be high on da pot !

I used an ATM today and it asked me for $20 till Friday...

Ha-ha! Great one, Joseph!

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I bought her a pack of Bicycles...

Why never over stuff a trunk? Because elephants hate it.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia..

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck...

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the dog.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?...
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?...