Do Troy Hooser, Craig Petty and turtles use shell phones?...

A cowboy walks into a bar and a heavily made up , sexily dressed woman slithers up on the barstool next to him and says, "Hey, Cowboy, For $100 I'll do anything you can say in three words." The cowboy took a slow sip of his beer, sat it down, pulled out his wallet and plucked down a $100 bill and said, "Paint my house".

Darling, you nervous?
Yes.
First time?
No, I've been nervous before.

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said
to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her
down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and
smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie
vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.
However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape yust by her
groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da
scene..

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to
her'...After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out
his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at
me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da heck vould YOU say?

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" ...

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Special weather report during devastating thunderstorms --- Current Conditions

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

A couple of years ago I took my wife to see David Copperfield perform. He also picked her from the audience to use her on stage. I have not seen her since.

Argument (ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.

When a person gets married, they get three rings. An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffe ring.

Blonde jokes (blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison...

Cantaloupe (kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in. ...

Clothes dryer (kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.