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Topic: Funny Headlines
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Jan 20, 2005 10:45PM)
In my no tear newspaper routine, I "read" headlines from the paper that are funny. One's like "Hey, it says here that Whoopee Goldberg is going to marry actor Peter Cushing. She shall be called "Whoopie Cushing" Cushion)

Or "Lost one dog, Neutered, has mange, fleas, one eye and three legs. Answers to the name of Lucky."

So, I have a couple more, but will stop here.

Does anyone else have any comedy headlines or classified lines that you could share?
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 21, 2005 03:02AM)
Ok Parachute for Sale Only Used Once and Never Opened. You should like that one Doug.
Message: Posted by: sniper1 (Jan 21, 2005 03:31AM)
Used tombstone for sale, for someone named Peter Murphy

This one is for magicians : magician seeks wife, must be very patient, not afraid of the dark, not suffer from claustrophobia, good contorsionist, and realize that no matter what! She will always be second in his life.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Jan 21, 2005 03:46AM)
Vicious Guard Dog for Sale, Eats anything, loves children. Call ...

South African Brain for Sale, 1 Owner, Never been used.

CNN, while proving that they were better than other News Stations, commented, [b]"We have more live reporters than anyone else."[/b]
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Jan 21, 2005 06:42AM)
A few Distorted Headlines you might like

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Child's stool great for use in garden

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung


kOnO
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 21, 2005 11:36AM)
How about a Weather Forecast it will be Chili Today and Hot Tamale ;)
Message: Posted by: The Mirror Images (Jan 21, 2005 01:09PM)
Iraqes new slogan. I saw I conquare, IRAN

State bird for the middle east...DUCK!!!

This is the best...but there could be better.

Michael
Message: Posted by: CamelotFX (Jan 21, 2005 01:32PM)
From the ad department:

"All-weather tires - Slashed!"

"Two-piece bathing suits - 50% Off!"
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jan 21, 2005 08:02PM)
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.....
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Jan 21, 2005 08:04PM)
Most of these are pretty galluptious! Keep 'em coming!
Message: Posted by: Belleque (Jan 22, 2005 02:21AM)
Special report - Local Police station robbed of 20 toilet seats. Officers say they have nothing to go on!

Okay it's as old as the hills but it had to be posted!
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Jan 22, 2005 02:50AM)
Wanted: Young men and women for orange grove work. Needed to pick oranges and produce at night.

Braille dictionary....must see to appreciate

Wanted: Man, possibly woman, definitely ugly
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Jan 22, 2005 06:38AM)
[quote]
On 2005-01-22 03:21, Belleque wrote:
Special report - Local Police station robbed of 20 toilet seats. Officers say they have nothing to go on!

Okay it's as old as the hills but it had to be posted!
[/quote]

I love it. It's IN!
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jan 22, 2005 07:34AM)
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
............
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 22, 2005 08:10AM)
What do you get when you cross a collie with a pitbull? You get a dog that bites you then runs for help.
Message: Posted by: olivertwist (Jan 22, 2005 07:46PM)
Belleque,

The toilet seat joke may be old but I use it all the time too. It always gets a laugh.

Weather report: Cloudy today but sunny tonight.


Oliver
Message: Posted by: tenyoguy (Jan 22, 2005 09:02PM)
'Man on bridge found covered in sprinkles. Police say he tried to top himself.'

Alan
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Jan 22, 2005 11:09PM)
Viagra truck hijacked. Police seek hardened criminals.
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jan 23, 2005 05:39AM)
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years.....

Man is fatally slain ......

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say ......
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Jan 24, 2005 07:01AM)
To announce seat belt legislation:
"Belt your family. It's the law."
Message: Posted by: Dan McLean Jr aka, Magic Roadie (Jan 25, 2005 09:41PM)
Oh, look! Painfully low prices down at the bulk food store. $1.50 a pound on the nuts!
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Jan 26, 2005 10:42AM)
But the price of bulk food is really high in Tampa Bay.
I hear Corn is a Buccaneer!

kOnO
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Jan 26, 2005 06:36PM)
[quote]
On 2005-01-23 00:09, Lyndel wrote:
Viagra truck hijacked. Police seek hardened criminals.
[/quote]
LOL!! Now there's one I'm going to USE!!
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Jan 27, 2005 04:07AM)
Bleach Manufacturing Corperation Fraud Scandel - Police say it was a White Collar Crime...

Cat burglar Scratched from suspect list.
Message: Posted by: RC4MAG (Jan 27, 2005 09:59AM)
I also do the No Tear Newspaper. Here is a tip I came up with. I write the gag headlines in pencil on "My side" of each torn paper piece. That way I don't need to memorize them, nor get the gags out of the order I want to present them.

Here is a website devoted to Headline Jokes.
http://www.aarons-jokes.com/joke-1935.shtml
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jan 27, 2005 01:11PM)
Kellog president attacked.....Police suspect a cereal killer.....
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 27, 2005 03:15PM)
Put Your Children in your Cooking.
Message: Posted by: Tate (Jan 27, 2005 09:51PM)
These aren't headlines, they're more like quotes from the financial section. You can find more on the internet.

Helium is up.
Feathers are down.
Paper is stationary.
Fluorescent tubing has dimmed in light trading.
Knives are up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment is trailing.
Elevators are rising, while escalators continue their slow decline.

Tate
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 28, 2005 03:29AM)
Tate excellent stuff keep them coming.
Message: Posted by: einhorn (Jan 28, 2005 06:33PM)
A 3 ft psychic escaped from maximum security prison - Police warn there is a small medium at large.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 30, 2005 02:25AM)
Hare Today Gone Tomorrow.
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Feb 2, 2005 06:36AM)
Woman off to jail for sex with boys


kOnO
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Feb 2, 2005 10:39PM)
[quote]
On 2005-01-27 10:59, RC4MAG wrote:
I also do the No Tear Newspaper. Here is a tip I came up with. I write the gag headlines in pencil on "My side" of each torn paper piece. That way I don't need to memorize them, nor get the gags out of the order I want to present them.

Here is a website devoted to Headline Jokes.
http://www.aarons-jokes.com/joke-1935.shtml
[/quote]

I have been doing the pencil thing you mentioned, and it works good, but before this thread, I had precious few jokes to use in the routine. Now, thanks to you guys, I am rich!
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Feb 3, 2005 08:50AM)
Excellent! Now you have to pay us some kind of royalites. LOL
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Feb 3, 2005 04:44PM)
I owe you that much.
Message: Posted by: CamelotFX (Feb 5, 2005 03:36PM)
Upholsterer Gets Chair For Brutal Murder.
Message: Posted by: Salazar Magic (Feb 9, 2005 02:40PM)
A Cessna crashed in a local cemetary...... Search and rescue workers recovered 2,000 bodies.
Message: Posted by: bnadworn (Feb 9, 2005 10:39PM)
And are still finding more!
Message: Posted by: M. Perk (Feb 10, 2005 08:23AM)
Man found Beheaded. Police suspect foul play.
Message: Posted by: bermudamagician (Feb 10, 2005 02:34PM)
* a hole appeared in the roof of (local public building) police are looking into it!
* canibals in remote jungle area get their first taste of christianity (pause) he was the reverend podmore of westminster
* "The President gave some interesting figures on education today. In the City areas, one half of the people can’t read, one half can’t write, and the other three quarters can’t add up."
* "There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar’s “Sea Pictures” at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared
* Career criminal Arnold Crump, 6ft 8inches, bad breath, long stringy hair, cracked teeth, and acne was described by the FBI today as America's least wanted man.

with some changes-thanks to the 2 ronnies :)
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Feb 12, 2005 08:10PM)
I found a great website. check out http://www.headlinehumor.com.

I think you'll like it.

Daff
Message: Posted by: joseph (Feb 15, 2005 11:49AM)
Illiterate? Write for help.....
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Feb 15, 2005 06:04PM)
It took me a few seconds, but I finally got that last one!
Message: Posted by: Tate (Feb 21, 2005 08:42PM)
I used to read actual classified ads out of the paper and got laughs. How? I read straight across several columns of ads as if it were one ad. Example "Large black doberman, must type 40 words per minute, recently refinished, gets 30 miles to the gallon." Ok, I just made this one up, but still. I would fudge sometimes and not read straight across, but move up and down a little, to get good phrases.

Tate
Message: Posted by: Trois (Feb 21, 2005 10:20PM)
Did something like that in the boy scouts.
Message: Posted by: Parson Smith (Mar 16, 2005 04:01PM)
Good actual headline... Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Message: Posted by: Whitewolfny (Mar 16, 2005 08:57PM)
Tate, sounds like a wonderful idea for adding humor to a routine. Thanks for the idea. Proctologist cleaned out by scam artist, film at 11.
Message: Posted by: Bill Ligon (Jun 14, 2005 01:07AM)
I see here that a patient escaped from the mental hospital and raped a woman. The headline reads, "NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS!"

...and the sub-head reads, "HACKSAW AWL! COPPER NAILS NUT!"
Message: Posted by: Neznarf (Jul 5, 2005 07:42PM)
I told that joke 20 years ago at a festival I was doing my magic show at. I had forgotten it. Now...it's back in. THANKS!!!

[quote]
On 2005-01-22 03:21, Belleque wrote:
Special report - Local Police station robbed of 20 toilet seats. Officers say they have nothing to go on!

Okay it's as old as the hills but it had to be posted!
[/quote]
Message: Posted by: sjdavison (Jul 6, 2005 04:53AM)
Ha! Great Post.

'Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy'

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
" ... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
" We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

Genius. Restores my faith in humanity!!

Simon
Message: Posted by: blazes816 (Jul 14, 2005 05:23PM)
"New book released today 'Confederacy's guide to successful seccesion'."
Message: Posted by: Antony Gerard (Jul 15, 2005 04:55PM)
Hi Doug

I used to do a routine where I read a few amusing classified ads from a newspaper. My attention than shifted to a "Dear Abby" column where a magicians wife was complaining about her husbands faults. As I read the column it dawned on me that it wasn’t just any magicians wife, it was my wife. I denied the allegations and proceeded to tear up the paper in anger saying: “They are lies (first tear), lies (second tear), lies (third tear),lies (fourth tear), all lies (fifth tear). As I made the last tear in the paper, my eye caught another amusing ad. I stopped tearing and started to read the new found story. A few sentences into this story it said: “continued on page 13”. I looked at the audience, then at the torn pieces of paper, and finally back at the audience. I would shrug my shoulder, restore the paper, turn to page 13, and finish the story.

With the right patter this story line would work for both lay and magicians audiences. For a magicians audience, a Karrell Fox routine comes to mind. Karrell would be interrupted during his show with a phone call from his wife. He would repeat everything she said for the benefit of the audience. My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

Hope you enjoy
Antony Gerard
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jul 22, 2005 05:53AM)
Evidence sought in disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa....So far, nothing concrete.....
Message: Posted by: Scott Compton (Jul 26, 2005 07:02PM)
[quote]
On 2005-07-15 17:55, Antony Gerard wrote:
Hi Doug

I used to do a routine where I read a few amusing classified ads from a newspaper. My attention than shifted to a "Dear Abby" column where a magicians wife was complaining about her husbands faults. As I read the column it dawned on me that it wasn’t just any magicians wife, it was my wife. I denied the allegations and proceeded to tear up the paper in anger saying: “They are lies (first tear), lies (second tear), lies (third tear),lies (fourth tear), all lies (fifth tear). As I made the last tear in the paper, my eye caught another amusing ad. I stopped tearing and started to read the new found story. A few sentences into this story it said: “continued on page 13”. I looked at the audience, then at the torn pieces of paper, and finally back at the audience. I would shrug my shoulder, restore the paper, turn to page 13, and finish the story.

With the right patter this story line would work for both lay and magicians audiences. For a magicians audience, a Karrell Fox routine comes to mind. Karrell would be interrupted during his show with a phone call from his wife. He would repeat everything she said for the benefit of the audience. My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

Hope you enjoy
Antony Gerard

[/quote]

Brilliant!
Message: Posted by: funny_gecko (Jul 26, 2005 08:11PM)
Man gave a penny for his thoughts but was charged his two cents

Man payed to go to top of large building then payed to look down

a record number of tourists of Mexico have been leid

secret closer full of identical clothes found in einsteins basement

Plane crashed at 6:00 last night.. police say it is best to send a search in the morning

Woman missing.. kinda loks like mary but with a differnt face....

Glue factory robbed.. police are really stuck on this one.

a large pooh bear was found on the street... police have the pooh bear in custody

stuffed bear found.. goes by the name of winnie

Vampire bat escapes from zoo... residents advised to wear garlic
Message: Posted by: God-glorified (Jul 26, 2005 09:18PM)
[quote]
On 2005-02-15 12:49, joseph wrote:
Illiterate? Write for help.....
[/quote]
I LIKE IT!!!
Message: Posted by: Antony Gerard (Jul 27, 2005 08:29PM)
One thing that I forgot to do in my last post was elaborate on the Karrell Fox idea. I said:

“My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

I should also have mentioned that the lines above, that Karrell used, should be modified and read as if they were being read from a Dear Abby column. You want it to sound like the wife had the rings repaired and the husband complained about it.

The Dear Abby routine was my own idea and please feel free to use it. However if you plan to put it into print please ask me first for permission.

Take care and take cards
Antony Gerard
PS: Thank you Compton for the compliment.


idea
Message: Posted by: Salazar Magic (Jul 28, 2005 09:34AM)
Studies show that 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Jul 28, 2005 09:04PM)
Antony,

thanks for the tip!

Been a long time since I last chatted with you on the phone. I know you are busy with the shop, so I try to keep out of your hair.
Message: Posted by: Bill Ligon (Jul 29, 2005 07:49PM)
The meeting of the Procrastinators' Club has been postponed.
Message: Posted by: gabelson (Aug 3, 2005 02:35AM)
Say what you will about their journalistic integrity, but no one can beat the New York Post for actual headlines. My personal favorite (from approximately 25 years ago) was "Headless Body Found In Topless Bar". And they once had a great sports page headline (this may be too local) when the NY Mets had a ballplayer named Jose Vizcaino, who got hit in the head on purpose by the opposing pitcher, and his team rallied behind him. The next day's headline read, "Nobody Beans The Viz".

gabelson
Message: Posted by: joseph (Aug 3, 2005 02:42PM)
Pathologist puts his heart into his work....
Message: Posted by: Skip Way (Aug 3, 2005 06:38PM)
Newspaper had an article on Korea's successful cloning of a dog. Anyone else see Col. Pak's Seoul Wok Canine franchises on the horizon?

Skip
Message: Posted by: joseph (Aug 4, 2005 08:24AM)
Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores

How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs
The Royal Gazette, 9 May 1985.....
Message: Posted by: nathanallen (Sep 24, 2005 03:02PM)
This headline was awhile ago, but I thought it was hilarious.

JOHN KERRY TO RUN FOR PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE

wait a sec....
Message: Posted by: joseph (Sep 24, 2005 05:37PM)
Infertility unlikely to be passed on ...
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Sep 26, 2005 07:29PM)
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.