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Topic: Whats Your Favourite Heckler Stoppers?
Message: Posted by: jonthewierdo (Aug 29, 2005 06:32AM)
What follows are my 22 Favourite heckler Stoppers and these 22 one liners have got me out of practically every situation in my performing career when a come back was needed....

The question is what are your favourite Heckler Stoppers and put downs etc?

01) He didnít get a Birth Certificate (pause) his parents got an apology from Durex!

02) Heís just had a personality bypass operation (pause) unfortunately it failed!

03) Heís like a broken tape recorder (pause) brain on rewind and mouth on fast forward.

04) Look what happens when Cousinís marry.

05) Go and sit against the wall (pause) thatís plastered as well.

06) Donít move (pause) I want to forget you just the way you are now!

07) That was quite funny Sir (pause) only quite funny (pause) thatís why Iím standing up here and youíre sitting down there.

08) I think theyíve let him out for the night (pause) isnít care in the community a wonderful thing?

09) Why shouldnít you make a joke? (Pause) after all your parents did.

10) Did you hear that? (Pause) that was the voice of a Lark! (pause) A Pil-Lark!

11) I tell you what Sir, lets do a double act? Iíll sing Swanee River (pause) and you can jump in it!

12) Join hands with your friendís mate and show us what a dope ring looks like!

13) Youíre about as much use as a one armed weight lifter with cramp.

14) I bet youíre about as popular as a RattleSnake in a lucky dip!

15) Is that a Moustache? (Pause) or has your eyebrow popped down for a drink? (pause) I tell you what Sir with a nose like that I wouldnít have underlined it! (Pause) Incidentally did you pick that nose yourself (pause) or does it run in the family?

16) Nice Jacket your wearing Sir! (pause) I bet thereís a Ford Cortina outside with no seat covers.

17) Where do you live Sir? (Wait for answer) well thatís a coincidence my Uncleís working in that area tonight (pause) heís a burglar!

18) (Point at an empty table and say) Please put your hands together for the Japanese Kamikaze Pilots reunion party!

19) (no laughs) And some fell on stony ground!

20) (no laughs) No laughs for that one (pause) well you must have heard it (pause) you were all facing this way.

21) (no laughs) Look Guys (pause) it might be a night out for you (pause) but for me itís a career!

22) (no laughs) Is this an audience or a bloody judge and jury?

Enjoy!
Message: Posted by: Dannydoyle (Sep 6, 2005 12:26AM)
Careful using these lines. They lead down a dark path to say the least. Better to not let the show get to that point in the first place.
Message: Posted by: jonthewierdo (Sep 9, 2005 11:59AM)
Actually it can be funnier to make situations happen which lead to these gags being needed.

Some top acts made their name and riches doing exactlt that!
Message: Posted by: felix501 (Sep 10, 2005 10:05AM)
How many people have seen a magician get heckled?

I don't think I have... Maybe UK audiences are gentler, but magic is not like standup, you don't see heckling much if at all.

These put downs seem pretty strong to me - I guess you'd only want to use them in extremis?

F
Message: Posted by: Caveat Lector (Sep 10, 2005 10:41AM)
It really depends on the venue you are working. These remarks are hardly extreme, I work a lot of rock shows opening for national and local bands, and if you are not ready for hecklers you will get eaten alive. I must say that my show is quite a bit different in material then most and some of the venues I play most of you would never even consider. But, I live in NYC and you get hecklers from time to time. When I work showrooms I don't have this problem, but I sure do have a good time with a rowdy audience, but that is just my personal preference.
Message: Posted by: jonnygold (Sep 15, 2005 09:03AM)
Why should I say such things to people who pay me money.Better invite him on stage to perform for the first time the "reverse bullet catch".
Message: Posted by: Caveat Lector (Sep 15, 2005 01:05PM)
You should never put down an audience member or a volunteer unless they are asking for it. I usually give them a few warning shots to let them know that they are getting out of hand. But if they continue I start with mild comebacks and then go to the more harsher ones. This is only used in a situation where you are getting heckled or a volunteer is trying to upstage you. Sometimes you need to take control of the situation before it gets out of hand. But, you should never ever just come right out and attack someone who is trying to help you out.
Message: Posted by: BenSchwartz (Sep 15, 2005 02:16PM)
I always use this at a dinner party or something when the entire company from work is there. example.... I am doing a comedy magic show for a morgatge office christmas party.. one person starts heckling me.. I look at the audience and say... well I now know that this company is an equal opportunity employer!
Message: Posted by: Dannydoyle (Sep 16, 2005 01:03AM)
If the audience is having a good time let them go for a while. The audience will stop him for you. Never let it deteriorate into an insult contest.
Message: Posted by: BenSchwartz (Sep 16, 2005 01:31AM)
Not for my style..... it fits my character
Message: Posted by: trickychris (Sep 18, 2005 01:21PM)
The topic is "whats your fav. heckler stoppers?" not "what do you think of heckling" so let me offer one:
"i wish you were a statue.........and I was a pigeon"
Message: Posted by: BobGreaves (Oct 9, 2005 07:34AM)
A gun.
Message: Posted by: Bill Ligon (Oct 9, 2005 11:12AM)
Great, Bob! LOL!
Message: Posted by: magicmanila (Oct 12, 2005 10:08AM)
I do kids parties, whenever someone heckles me I just talk LOUDER!!!

KID:"hey I already know tha...
MAGICIAN:"AND NOW FOR MY NEXT EFFECT!!!" LOL!

and sometimes I just ignore them.
Message: Posted by: felix501 (Oct 15, 2005 04:02PM)
Hey, don't drink on an empty head...
Message: Posted by: Jailhouse Jonny (Oct 15, 2005 10:51PM)
My favourite:
"Do you go to the ballet and try to trip the dancers?"
Message: Posted by: Minimaniack (Oct 16, 2005 06:58PM)
Very funny in deed, even if it's not your style or taste then you have to admit that they may one day come in very handy............."sit down in your chair,,, I'll plug it in in a moment"... or swear profusely....., hey you have'nt met the four year olds around here!!!!
Message: Posted by: mrmystic (Oct 20, 2005 12:17PM)
I once had a drunken uncle heckling me through out my whole show and at the end I started making balloons he yells "What do I make?" without thinking I said "By the looks of you, minimum wage!" Everyone laughed and he left the party. I later apoligized to my client. They said no problem, they had been waiting years for someone to put him in his place and gave me a big tip.

A kid says "That's not REAL magic." I say "Yea, while that's not your REAL father either kid!" Just kidding, I would never really say that... again.
Message: Posted by: Bridgewater (Oct 22, 2005 09:42PM)
My favorite comes from the late Harry Blackstone Jr.: "I beg your pardon sir, but you don't have any lines in this show."
Message: Posted by: Mike Baxter (Oct 23, 2005 10:21AM)
Heard this recently on CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corp). Wish I knew who created it:

"Are we just now seeing the long-term effects of children's aspirin!" :)
Message: Posted by: magicmanfrank (Oct 27, 2005 03:03AM)
[quote]
On 2005-09-15 15:16, BenSchwartz wrote:
I always use this at a dinner party or something when the entire company from work is there. example.... I am doing a comedy magic show for a morgatge office christmas party.. one person starts heckling me.. I look at the audience and say... well I now know that this company is an equal opportunity employer!
[/quote]

I must admit I actually like this one!
Message: Posted by: nathanallen (Oct 28, 2005 01:41PM)
[quote]
On 2005-10-09 08:34, BobGreaves wrote:
A gun.
[/quote]

...a Tommy-gun, if you have multiple hecklers.
Fuhgetaboutit,
Nathan
Message: Posted by: Eric Buss (Oct 28, 2005 01:49PM)
"That's why you don't put a comedy club near a bus stop."

"Sir, you're heckling a magician... how cool are you? Do you heckle the muppets too?"
Message: Posted by: Mark Roberts (Nov 1, 2005 08:34PM)
" A night out for him.... a night off for the wife and kids!"

Actually, the best advice I was ever given was to ignore them as much as possible. They are only after attention, so deprive them. However, if they do get out of hand, just slap them down with a short sharp one-liner which lets them know that you are ready for them, should they start.

It's strange to think..but some hecklers actually think they are adding value to your act by heckling you and creating a comedy situation. The trick is, not to let them get out of hand.

Marcus
Message: Posted by: winstonwolf (Nov 2, 2005 02:38AM)
[quote]
On 2005-10-23 11:21, Mike Baxter wrote:
Heard this recently on CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corp). Wish I knew who created it:

"Are we just now seeing the long-term effects of children's aspirin!" :)
[/quote]

Harry Hill wrote this - a very very funny UK comedian.
Message: Posted by: BAH1313 (Nov 2, 2005 08:45AM)
One of my Favorites is ...I know how you did that!" and I reply.. Well, we all gotta start somewhere, soon you'll be moving on to math and even reading! Here, I'll get you started, this is the number one ( I then show them my favorite finger)

What can I say, I work a lot of bars.
Message: Posted by: God-glorified (Nov 2, 2005 08:21PM)
I once got a set of cellini lecture notes which gave an entire page devoted to these situations. (keep in mind cellini has more of a classy sarcastic character)
some are:
"That's what happens when the fetus doesn't get oxygen"
"(to a group) have those guys been fed?"
"Close your mouth or your tongue will dry out"
I always fear that when I heckle someone the audience will turn agaisnt me, so I wont write the cruel ones for fear they will stick in my head!

oh and to a kid heckler......"whats this? attack of the giant shrimp?!" (I say this with a smile and it usually seems to work.
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 3, 2005 04:49PM)
"This is why animals eat their young" I use this for my self quite a bit. But it's good for everyone.........

What I have done is have the attention starved heckler choose a card out of the deck, and then go on to whatever else you were doing, even better, have him hold it to his head and concentrate on it. That should buy you some time.

You could produce an exploding pen and shock book, announcing that you will have him participate in a mind reading effect.

And of course there will be many who say:"that is not the way to treat an audience, it is mean, rude, dangerous, bad for the environment, kills trees, etc."
However I say to you it is just the kind of hypocrisy humanity is rife with.
When you talk to god it's called praying, when god talks back it's called schizophrenia.
When you climb a 100' rock face without any safeties it's called "extreme sports" when you jump back down it's called suicide.
We eat someones God, and get mad when they eat our pet.
we let animals poop right out in the open, but everyone gets all offended when I do the same.
Message: Posted by: David Bilan (Nov 3, 2005 05:48PM)
And you parents thought you would grow up and be successful... is this the best you can do?

Delivery is everything.
Message: Posted by: leftytheclown (Nov 4, 2005 02:21PM)
Most of my hecklers are children. I have seen that before or I know how it's done, or you aren't a real clown/magician. My first response is to agree with them. If they have seen it before, I ask them to see if I do anything different. If they "know" how it's done, I say, "Shsh, it's our secret. These are tried and true with nothing new (I'm a poet and don't know it!!). If an adult at a children's party makes fun of me or heckles, I say, "Oh, I can feel the love here!" Or, "Wow, it's a tough crowd tonight (aka Leno, Dangerfield and others)". Magic makes enough of an adversarial atmosphere for me to try and add to it.
Message: Posted by: BAH1313 (Nov 4, 2005 04:44PM)
Please don't take my reply to a heckler as something I would say to a child, unless, of course, he was in the bar. No, no I'm only kidding. I would actually look to the parents and say something like... "this whole off the leash thing really isn't working out is it?" Give 'em a wink and keep working. I guess it's all in the delivery, and most parents get the joke.
Also, there have been many times that I told a roving pack of unsupervised children that I wouldnt do magic for them unless their parents were there. Naturally, I only say this to the to the one's that I can tell are going to be hand full of problems. After a few years of doing this, I have found that I'm able to recognize the potential problems, then head them off at the pass. This also goes towards the fact that a lot of parents drop there kids off at the ready made babysitter called the mall, or the strip, or wherever, and they have no supervision.
On the bright side, many times the kids come back with their parents. This is good for me on two levels. Number 1. The parents have almost always got the money. Number 2. They can do a better job of controlling their offspring.
Message: Posted by: Lee Darrow (Nov 6, 2005 06:28AM)
"Ladies and gentlemen, our next act - Mr. Don Rickles!"

It works almost every time - except when Don was in the audience!

Lee Darrow, C.H.
Message: Posted by: Carl Skenes (Nov 9, 2005 09:41AM)
"You don't get out much, do you?"

"If only your parents had had a fight that night instead."

"You're the kind of man who makes a woman want to be a lesbian."
(or vice versa if the heckler is a female)
Message: Posted by: Trois (Nov 15, 2005 05:22PM)
Good ones , Carl.
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Nov 16, 2005 09:14PM)
Or my personal favorite....

"I thought I told you to stay in the truck" =)

Kyle
Message: Posted by: Carl Skenes (Nov 17, 2005 08:08AM)
[quote]
On 2005-11-15 18:22, Trois wrote:
Good ones , Carl.
[/quote]

Thanks Trois, and it's good to hear from you again. Drop me a line sometime. I'll be in Myrtle Beach next month for a show, so let me know where you're performing.
Message: Posted by: Carl Skenes (Nov 17, 2005 08:08AM)
[quote]
On 2005-11-15 18:22, Trois wrote:
Good ones , Carl.
[/quote]

Thanks Trois, and it's good to hear from you again. Drop me a line sometime. I'll be in Myrtle Beach next month for a show, so let me know where you're performing.
Message: Posted by: Cory Gallupe (Nov 17, 2005 06:59PM)
How bout this. Does this rag smell like cloroform to you? (as in the drug to knock someone out for those of you who are slow!)
And for you magcians that are, hate to say it, don't mean to be offensive in any way, overwait. Here is a good one for YOU! If someone (probably drunk) yells "Why are you so fat?" You say "Because everytime I f*** your mom she gives me a cookie!"
Just go on http://www.funny.com and they will have tons of comebacks and jokes that you can use during performances. It helps me alot!
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 17, 2005 07:24PM)
What is my favourite heckler stopper?

A good act.
Message: Posted by: Carl Skenes (Nov 17, 2005 10:05PM)
Nicholas,

So, I see that you've never worked a joint.

Congratulations,

Carl
Message: Posted by: Starrpower (Nov 18, 2005 12:08PM)
Themagicman101, I lOVE the fat joke!

Here's two: "When your I.Q. hits 10, sell!"

"Save your breath. You'll need it later to blow up your date."
Message: Posted by: Bill Ligon (Nov 18, 2005 02:17PM)
If I wanted to hear from an *** ****, I would have **rted.
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Nov 18, 2005 06:24PM)
If I wanted any sh*t out of you - I would have squeezed your head.

Hey I don't go to where you work and pull the c**k out of your mouth.
Message: Posted by: Starrpower (Nov 18, 2005 06:27PM)
My, my ... such vulgarities!







It's about time!
Message: Posted by: MDS (Nov 23, 2005 11:06PM)
If you don't like these, then don't use them, but hecklers come around from time to time and if you work comedy clubs and similar venues they are bound to find you. It is nice to be prepared.
Message: Posted by: Dynamike (Aug 14, 2009 04:16PM)
Now I can see Snow White and Dopey did have a child.
Message: Posted by: scottybarnhart (Aug 14, 2009 07:05PM)
[quote]
On 2005-11-18 19:24, nucinud wrote:
Hey I don't go to where you work and pull the c**k out of your mouth.
[/quote]

Ooooooooouuuuuuch!

nucinud: 1
Heckler: 0
Message: Posted by: Dynamike (Aug 14, 2009 07:31PM)
When you go to movie theaters, I bet you talk back to the screen.
Message: Posted by: Doc Dixon (Aug 15, 2009 03:21PM)
"Klaatu barada nikto"
Message: Posted by: Dynamike (Aug 15, 2009 07:11PM)
"You better shut up before I make your butt disappear."