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Topic: Guillotine Jokes...
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 2, 2002 06:03PM)
Okay - I really like the creative contributions of this message board especially when it comes to comedy - because COMEDY IS DIFFICULT.

Like many of you I do a head chopper in my show and I know there are a ton of stock lines for choppers.

I would like to offer some of mine and let's all pitch in and hopefully improve everyone's routine.

1. "ONE, TWO, THREE DAYS AGO (pause) I was doing a trick and the head shot out into the audience and landed in this guys lap!

You should have seen the look on his face!

Not the guy sitting down - this face (point to the guy in the chopper)"

2. "ONE, TWO (stop and look at the guy in the chopper) Do you want me to go on three or THREE AND THEN GO?"

3. (Say to the guy in the chopper) "john are you ready? Great, Let's move a head!"

4. "John have you ever done this before?
(he says no) What a coincidence!"

Okay there you go folks if we all throw in one or two lines we will all benefit!

I've got more but I want to see what comes in before I throw more out there!


"the duck"
Message: Posted by: Andy Wonder (Nov 2, 2002 10:34PM)
1. Now John, to start with you will feel a slight numbing sensation, but don’t worry about it because it will soon drop off.

2. Put down a sheet of newspaper below the chopper to catch the blood. Bring out a sheet of newspaper with fake blood stains then apologise, ‘sorry that was the newspaper I used last time.’

3. Pretend to read your victim some interesting headline from the newspaper. Stop part way though placing it on the floor and explain ‘never mind you can read it when you get down there.’
Message: Posted by: Burt Yaroch (Nov 2, 2002 10:59PM)
A magic cliche' might be appropriate here:

"John I could tell you how this contraption works but then I'd have to kill you."
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 3, 2002 02:29AM)
Put down a bucket under the guys head but put it obviously two feet away from where his head is going to drop, and whisper to him to pull it underneath his head.

Message: Posted by: RandomEffects (Nov 3, 2002 11:38AM)
Similar to your earlier line but do the big "1.... 2...." and as you get to the 3 relax a bit and walk away "3.. weeks ago I did this trick and......." It gets a huge laugh because the person was so ready for it to drop and it just hightens the humourous tension.
Message: Posted by: wayman (Nov 3, 2002 07:37PM)
Last time I did this the guy said he had a Splitting headache,

Are you nervous?
Well don't lose you head over it!
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Nov 3, 2002 10:49PM)
Would any of this be considered "cutting edge" humor?
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 4, 2002 12:31PM)
Another one,

John are you NERVOUS? Well don't be, there's no sense in both us being that way!

Seriously, does anyone have any jokes or gags pertaining to the fake head in the bucket?
Message: Posted by: Kathryn Novak (Nov 4, 2002 01:38PM)
Well, Peter, you do have to have a "sharp" wit to be able to "cut it" in comedy magic. :bg:
Message: Posted by: DonDriver (Nov 4, 2002 02:09PM)
How about this line, Look into the audience and say "who came with John tonight, (look at them, than say) do the numbers 911 mean anything to you folks? Or, "don't worry John, nothing is going to happen to ME"
I use both of these lines and they play well.
Have a good Day,
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 4, 2002 04:23PM)
I like the 911 joke - thanks

But, it might bring Sept, 11th. to mind.

I will work with it.

How about the head bucket jokes - what have you guys seen?
Message: Posted by: Kathryn Novak (Nov 4, 2002 04:42PM)
As for the head in the bucket jokes:

"I told that (guy or girl, depending on the head) not to loose (his/her) head!"

"Sorry about that. One of my assistants told an audience member how I did (insert effect here)."
Message: Posted by: DonDriver (Nov 4, 2002 04:48PM)
I understand what you mean about Sept. 11, but that is always called "nine eleven" so I'm sure you would be safe saying "9-1-1'
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 5, 2002 12:25AM)
Good point Don.

I will give it a shot.
Message: Posted by: Dave Le Fevre (Nov 5, 2002 06:07AM)
I remember years ago seeing a conjuror putting the bucket under the spec's head, counting [i]"One, Two, ....."[/i], pausing, moving the bucket to behind the guy, and then restarting the count.

That went down well.

Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 5, 2002 10:09PM)
[i]*The setup, Mark is locked in the guillotine, there is a props table/cabinet nearby with a large woven basket atop it.*[/i]

"Nervous Mark?" [i]*Ducks behind the props table to get something.*[/i] Well don't be, friend," [i]*gets up with something from the cabinet, unknowingly knocking over the basket, which dumps out a realistic head as he continues the line.*[/i] "It worked perfectly last time."
Bonus :eek: points if it rolls right past the mark rather than just straight off-stage/into the audience.

For an extra touch you can let them see that the basket is empty when you put it on the table. The observant will get an extra kick when the head rolls.

As Mark is coming onstage, and before the trick is introduced, have him sign a variety of legal documents and waivers. Have them notarized on the spot.

Various "I've got you where I want you" lines.

"So, about that $4.20 that you owe me from the last time I performed here...."

"Didn't you beat me up for lunch money in the second grade?"

"Ok, kiddos, I need to be serious for a moment. This is very dangerous, we have a large, heavy, sharp blade above this man's neck. So safety first." [i]*puts a hard-hat and safety goggles on Mark*[/i]

"oh, I hate to tell you this Mark, but I think I put you in the wrong guillotine. [b]Don't move a muscle[/b], this is an antique and it's kind of touchy. I'll get the key and we'll just skip this one. [i]*As your getting the key, the thing goes off*[/i]
{Ideally, he should seriously believe that you really have messed up and put him into your conversation piece by accident.}

[i]*carfully aim the guillotine at an audience member.*[/i] "How much does your head weigh, Mark?"
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 6, 2002 12:26PM)
Wow I am impressed - that must be all original stuff
Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 6, 2002 12:56PM)
I think that the lunch money line was inspired by something that The Amazing Jonathan said. Other than that I think the rest are mine. I think the original quote from Johnathan was...
"You know <name here>, you look a lot like the guy that killed my parents. Oh I'm kidding. I killed my parents"
Though that is probably wildly innacurate.
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 6, 2002 05:52PM)
Killing your parents?

That is way to hard core for the venues that I work.
Message: Posted by: Kathryn Novak (Nov 7, 2002 09:08AM)
I agree, none of these are suitable for every type of show. Ex: "I killed my parents" would probably not go over too well with the adults at a kiddie show! But the Amazing Jonathan probably had a good idea of who his audience was when he said that.
Message: Posted by: Magicrma (Nov 7, 2002 09:23AM)
If your victim can ask them to reach around and grab their ears. Just so their head doesn't bounce to many time. :bigsmile:
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 7, 2002 12:11PM)
Grab a set of instructions. The Cover of which says "Guilotines for Dummies"

Read thru it quickly,
"You can push the blade down as hard as you wish with out hurting your victim, BUT be sure to first..."

suddenly the pages of the book burst into flames.

"WOW - so much for the directions - don't worry I THINK I got it..."
Message: Posted by: Stick Man (Nov 7, 2002 04:28PM)
I saw the one about the head rolling out of a basket when I was about 7. It was great! He went to put on his apron that was covered in blood and when he realised, he started making excuses about making pizza the night before, it was all very funny. :bg:
Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 7, 2002 08:12PM)
Almost any line will have an inappropriate audience, knowing when [b]not[/b] to say something should be a basic survival instinct of any performer.
The Amazing Jonathan used that line in a room full of adults.
Message: Posted by: Dennis Michael (Nov 7, 2002 09:42PM)
Check out the numerous one liners and chopper routine outline I developed for the head chopper. Much of which can be converted to any guillotine routine:

[url=http://www.magic-magic.com/RichbarkSimplexHeadChopper.html][b]Richbark Simplex Head Chopper Routine and Gags[/b][/url]
Message: Posted by: Andy Wonder (Nov 8, 2002 01:52AM)
Where can I get a fake head? :fruity:
Message: Posted by: DonDriver (Nov 8, 2002 12:50PM)
Hey Andrew,
Go to http://www.eddiestrickshop.com
Click on Hallween, than body parts, They are going to charge you "an arm and a leg" he he he, (had to add that) Hope this Helped.

Have a Good Weekend,
Message: Posted by: duckster (Nov 16, 2002 02:07AM)
"John do you have any last requests?"

He reads a sign in the basket that says..

say this for your last request...

Huge laugh -I love cueing the guy on stage - the laugh is always bigger than anything you can say, and the guy ends up being the star.

I wanted to revive this thread because it has turned into a good one!
Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 18, 2002 01:17AM)
The first time I did this, we were all amazed.
Except for the inmate, he just wanted a new pair of pants.
Message: Posted by: ludmer (Jan 29, 2004 10:56PM)
The Guillotine is on stage covered by a large, bright and glittering cloth. "Ladies and gentlemen. Here I have a new trick, as astonishing as Houdini Scapes, and Copperfield flyng stuff. It´s a new trick, i´ve never performed it before! Any Volunteer?" When 'John'comes on stage, you reveal what´s under the cloth (The Guillotine, Ooooh! :eek: ). When he realizes about the guillotine you say: "Well actually it´s not quite new in my shows, I just had 2 mistakes with that. Hopefully today is the 3rd time I perform it!"
Message: Posted by: avimagic (Apr 22, 2004 05:14PM)
I'm kinda new to this forum, so I'm just seeing this topic for the first time.

One line I have that always kills-- er, gets laughs... The bucket is under "John's" head, and I have just stopped the action yet again to remove the head. I then ask him, "Are you scared, John?" Pause for his answer... "Because if you are I could move this back here!" as I grab the bucket and put it behind his rear end.

And the crowd goes wild!
Message: Posted by: Reg Rozee (Apr 23, 2004 04:14AM)
"You haven't done this before John, have you..." <No> "Know how I can tell?" Smile and wait a bit, and then make a few actions like tapping your head and shoulders indicating they are still together, followed by a nod and a wink. If he answers <yes>, say "Not with me! Know how I can tell?" and make the same motions.

"What's your hat size, John? This bucket is only a 7 and a half..."

"Ever hear of a ten gallon hat, John?" Hold up the bucket. "This is more of a half-gallon hat!"

"The bottom of the bucket is a little hard, would you like a cushion in there?" Wait a bit, and laugh. "Ah, I'm just fooling with you. You aren't going to feel a thing by the time you hit the bottom!"

Bring out a wall mounting plaque like you would see a stag or moose head on, but with a big hole in the middle. Have a big strip of paper or tape you can write on across the top of it. "How do you spell your name again?" Write the name with a thick black marker across the top of the plaque, and set it down in view. "Just in case, that's all!"

-Reg {*}
Message: Posted by: Bill Palmer (May 9, 2004 08:52PM)
I don't usually give out lines that I feel like I originated; however, since I probably won't be doing the guillotine any more, I'll give you two that I used with great success.

When I was performing at the Texas Renaissance Festival, I would cue the spectator to respond to one of the following lines:

Me "In case anything goes wrong, do you have any last words?"

Spectator: "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"


Me:"Just in case there is an accident, what do you want on your Tombstone?"

Spectator:"Pepperoni and Cheese!"

I only did one of these lines. When the spectator answered, I would act as if I had NEVER heard the line before. I would break character completely and laugh almost uncontrollably, and so would my assistants!

It added to the success of the line.

I did this at a TAOM convention where Stan Allen was on the show. He asked me if I cued the kid to say the line. I told him, "Do you honestly think I would actually stoop to cueing a spectator, just so the biggest laugh in the show would occur in the same place, every time I presented the illusion?"