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Topic: A little down latly
Message: Posted by: benjie84 (Aug 16, 2007 10:03PM)
This might sound a little bit lame, compared to other ppl who may have more serious problems but I have lately been feeling down due to a recent break up with a girl I cared about a lot. just any word of wisdom or consolement would help. thanks so much guys. everyone here at the Café are really friendly and extremely nice.

Message: Posted by: The Drake (Aug 16, 2007 11:18PM)
I missed a bus once and it got me down. Then I realized another would be coming along shortly. The same thing happens with girls.

How can you meet "Miss Right" if you are dating someone else? Now you'll be available and single when she comes along.


Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Aug 16, 2007 11:54PM)
Tim is right, she obviously wasn't Miss Right, so think of urself as one step closer to Miss Right. That, of course, means that down the road is something much better waiting for you.
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Aug 17, 2007 12:32AM)

If you are thinking this one was " Miss Right" that got away you are wrong. It sucks when they leave but they are doing you a favor if they don't still share the same feelings. Miss Right will share those feelings with you and when that happens and you'll have trouble remembering ol "whats-her-name."

That same advice was passed on to me years ago when I came home to an empty house... no furniture, no fiance... and worse yet..NO DOG! That so-and-so even took the DOG! It was then that I realized ( no kidding ) that I'd miss the dog more than her. LOL And recovery was not far away. She really had done me a favor by leaving. Of course she could have left me some money in the bank account that she cleaned out... but that's another story....LOL

Here's a quick story that might put a smile in your day. A friend of mine likes to tell people...

"I'm having a bad time.... last month my wife ran away with my best friend....... and I sure miss HIM."


Message: Posted by: BAH1313 (Aug 17, 2007 12:44AM)
Hey man cheer up. Look at it this way, with the holidays around the corner think of the money you will save!
Just kiddin ya, and tryin to cheer you up. I know nothing we say can help right now. We've all been there.

No worries brother, there will be more to come, you'll see...
Message: Posted by: Margarette (Aug 17, 2007 08:54AM)
Take everyone's advice...there will be another one along...someone even better. I noticed you said you "cared" about her and not that you "loved" her....that there says that she wasn't "the one." However, I must warn you not to get back into circulation before you are ready. Give yourself a chance to grieve over the end of the relationship. (some people laugh when I give that advice, but it is a form of a death - the death of a relationship - and with any death, people need to grieve, but that is a personal action. no one can tell you how to grieve)

What I don't understand is all these stories I hear of women leaving when the man is away and cleaning out the house and bank account. Do these women not have the courage to face these men and tell them it's over?

Message: Posted by: benjie84 (Aug 17, 2007 10:35AM)
Thank you all so much for your kind words. tim, I agree with what you say. I did feel like she was miss right, but I guess that she didn't feel the same. margarette, I do say I cared, but really I do love her, right now its hard. its tuff thinking about all the things we did cuz I miss that stuff. I do feel that I wont meet anyone again, even tho that doesn't make much sense. seeing as I'm out of school and such, I just wonder where I'm going to meet someone. I just would love to meet someone who would love me as much as I would love them. it just a tuff time. I would hope that there is someone even better, but its hard to have faith.
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Aug 17, 2007 11:06AM)
Hi Benj,

I can totally understand that you feel stuck in a rut and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel but I can promise you that someday you'll laugh this off as such a small thing. We've all "been there done that" and we survived to love again. That kick in the guts takes a while to get over but it passes.

This may sound like an odd comparison but it was one that helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and gave me a reason to keep moving towards it.

My father had died of cancer at the age of 57 a few years before my big split. If you have lost a parent you'll know what I went through over that. That was a much bigger deal than anything I had ever gone through.......yet....with time I recovered and went on to continue enjoying life.

While I was moping around missing those happy days with my ex and thinking life would never be good again I stopped and thought about how this was such a small thing compared to the loss of my father. A break up compared to a death....hmmmmmm. The breakup all of a sudden seemed like such a small thing in the big picture. When I realized that I had indeed survived loosing my father and had enjoyed life again it dawned on me that I could SURELY get over this little break up (by comparison) and be happy again.You CAN do the same.

You of course will have to go through the normal routine. Those crappy feelings you are experiencing are all part of the mourning process and the fact that you posted here tells me that you are already reaching out and forward.

Good Luck,

Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Aug 17, 2007 11:30AM)
Hey, I was in a relationship for 7 years. I cared for her a lot and still do. The key to getting through it is to hang out with friends (male and female) and your family. These people are your support, your cheerleaders. It's been well over a year for me and am just now starting to date. One date turned into a wonderful friendship with someone who I now consider my best friend. I've recently been talking to somebody else (through emails). It is looking like we may hit it off on the relationship thing, but if not we have friendship.

It may sound a little crude, but dating and relationships can often be like buying a new piece of magic. The more you feel around and take the time to search, the more pleased you will be with the results than with a impulse buy.

Remember always that relationships do end. They can end poorly or they can end with both parties happy. Relationship endings can happen many different ways. My first major relationship ending pretty good. We have had some rough spots (we have children together), but we are now great friends and enjoy a kind of extended family relationship. In any type of relationship, there is work involved, whether it be friendship or lovers, or even family.

Don't ever be afraid to admit that you still love her. You may carry that feeling with you the rest of your life.

Overall, it does get better.
Message: Posted by: benjie84 (Aug 17, 2007 12:30PM)
Hey thanks for all your kind words so far. I realize that it does get better. I have loved two other people before, and got thru that. but it really was meeting that "next person" that helped that along. granted I gave myself time, and it started feeling better. I know that I may still carry feelings for this person for a long time, I just want to be able to feel that love again with someone else, someone who would reciprocate it. tim, I have never lost a parent and I am sorry that you have. I know I can get over this, I am a good person and I treat girls with much respect and am great to them. people have told me I'm a "good catch" I just am curious as to why no one has caught me yet! I do feel that with each subsequent person I am with the feelings for them are more than the one I was with before, cuz I always promised myself I would not "settle" for a girl. I just lose hope that one would come around, that can make me feel as good on all those levels that the one before did. plus having all the memories of the things we did, times we shared is just hard to let go of....bill I appreciate your kind words and hope all goes well for you for the current prospect that you have. I sometimes do feel that I know it will get better, I guess I just get impatient. this relationship didn't end bad so to speak, but I do know that I don't wanna be her "friend" cuz seeing something that I want is a constant reminder, and that just hurts. we only have a few common friends, so its not like I would run into her, she does live an hour away. the advice to spend time with friends and family is good, and I am going to do that as much I can. its just the whole moving on time is hard, and always wondering "is she having a better time than me?" or such is tuff. I know that its not good to compare like that, cuz she may be having a hard time as well. I just guess I'm getting tired of getting my heart broken, or disappointed. I want to believe that I will meet someone spectacular, better than the last, but it is trying sometimes. ok sorry bout the long post, and thanks to everyone so far.
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Aug 17, 2007 12:58PM)
I have found that going to a therapist has helped. Even though I find a lot of what most therapist say to be hokey, having a impartial person guide you through your own faults in a relationship can help you find a satisfying relationship. We often, as humans, tend to attract the type of people we dislike, or rather attract people with characteristics we dislike. Finding help in communicating is essential to a productive relationship. Whatever you do though, don't talk to DR Phil.

Remember that the love you possess can be spread out in many different ways. There are many different levels of love. Spending extra time with family and friends and showing them your love for them is great. Trust me that you will receive the same care and love back from them.
Message: Posted by: RS1963 (Aug 17, 2007 02:19PM)
Good advice from all that have posted. All I can think of adding is the old saying. "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."
Message: Posted by: x-treem (Aug 17, 2007 03:40PM)
We've all been there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow after the storm, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and any other cheery analogy that won't do any good but people say them anyway.

Feeling "pain" is always a good thing as long as it passes, if it does not seek help, pain can become depression without realizing it.

It won't help but there was a 7 year gap between the last girlfriend I had and my wife.

Take Care bro,

Message: Posted by: The Drake (Aug 17, 2007 04:52PM)
On 2007-08-17 16:40, x-treem wrote:
It won't help but there was a 7 year gap between the last girlfriend I had and my wife.


Sounds like 7 years of buying magic that you didn't hear...." You paid HOW MUCH for that???!!!!" LOL


Message: Posted by: benjie84 (Aug 18, 2007 01:14AM)
Thanks so much to everyone. I do realize that she cant be the only nice and caring girl that I am attracted to in the whole world...there are plenty out there and the next one is better than this. it just is a hard thing to not feel upset about thinking of her, and waiting for the next one to come around...
Message: Posted by: JamesTong (Aug 20, 2007 06:40AM)
Excellent advice from everyone here, benjie. The magic of 'time' will do wonders for you.
Message: Posted by: Carrie Sue (Aug 20, 2007 04:04PM)
I'm reminded of a small story told by Victor Borge:

My uncle was the one in my family who went crazy, and he always said it was because he didn't get the woman that he loved.

"Well, that's a lot of nonsense," my mother said, "because his brother went just as crazy ...

... and he got her!"