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Topic: Gag tag
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 19, 2007 06:00AM)
Game is; I'll write a set-up, someone else writes a punchline for it and then the set-up for another gag, someone else's write a punchline for it and then the set-up for another gag, someone else writes a punchline for it and then the set-up for another gag, etc., etc., etc..

Original jokes favoured, sneak in an oldie if you must (try and disguise it though). If no one comes up with a punchline for your gag within 12 hours your allowed to answer your own and pose a different gag. OK? here goes:


What do you call a man with a penguin on his head?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 19, 2007 08:58AM)
Under the "Wetter".

How many penguins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 19, 2007 09:24AM)
2 would be efishent but it's gotta be good for 6 months.

What do you get if you cross a lightbulb with a horse?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 19, 2007 10:50AM)
A Clydesdale that drinks bud light.

Why did road cross the horse?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 19, 2007 11:19AM)
It didn't really happen... It was just a night "mare."

Where does fruit go to sweat?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 19, 2007 11:57AM)
A saunana or a humplum (Vegetables obviously go to Swedeish Baths).

Where do aubergines go on holiday?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Oct 19, 2007 03:04PM)
To the egg plant.

What sound does an explosive monkey make?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 19, 2007 03:26PM)
"Hello dear, I'm Michael Winner"

What's pink and blue and hides in cabbage patches?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 19, 2007 06:46PM)
A cold flamingo.


How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 19, 2007 09:09PM)
Get your fairy godmother to coach the cracks out.

What did the sparrow say to the teabag?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 20, 2007 10:55PM)
"If I'm going to be the early bird I'd rather have a coffee"


What's the difference between a lemon and monkey?
Message: Posted by: Flying Magus (Oct 21, 2007 02:31AM)
It's really hard to get a bill out of a monkey.

Why are bananas bent?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 11:10AM)
So monkeys can't smuggle them in piccolo cases.

Can you give me a sentence with the word 'infactuated' in it?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 21, 2007 11:23AM)
I see my Top Hat is missing, you were so hungry infacuated.

Where does a General keep his Armies?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 11:26AM)
Same place Harpo keeps his cutlery.

What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a sideboard?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 21, 2007 01:12PM)
A croc with a lot of friends.

How many mimes does it take to shingle a dog house?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 21, 2007 02:43PM)
None.

If someone kills a mime in the forest, does any body care?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 21, 2007 03:17PM)
Not if you don't hear it.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mime?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 21, 2007 03:37PM)
Purple, because ice cream has no bones.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 05:07PM)
KFC Family Pack

Why did the laptop cry?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 21, 2007 05:43PM)
The DISK DRIVE's way too quick and it RAMmed into a MegaByte!

How many vegetarians does it take to eat 3,000 spears of broccoli?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 05:50PM)
None - They don't have the energy.

(Bonus Jeopardy Round)

If "Fish sticks" is the answer, what is the question?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 06:15PM)
What's sticky and smells of fish?

How do you know if a baboon has eaten your pyjamas?

P.S. Love answers no. 12 and 20
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 06:30PM)
You wake up in a baboon's stomach.

Why shouldn't you play poker with a garbage truck?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 08:34PM)
That would just be silly,come now ,think about it.

Why can't you fish in a knickerbockerglory?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 21, 2007 08:56PM)
Fish are not allowed in the icecream factory.

How many light bulbs does it take to light up a fishing pole?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 09:01PM)
Watt?

Why can't Sherlock Holmes play the ukelele?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 09:53PM)
E-Lei-mentry my dear Watson!

How does Superman shave his back?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 10:24PM)
Ask our friend: Kryptic Hairris.

How long is a multicultural, piece of thread?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 21, 2007 10:34PM)
All the way to the end. (Does this thread count?)


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 21, 2007 10:43PM)
Ooooh, the insecure remains of a former ship.

When is a door not a jam receptacle?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 21, 2007 10:59PM)
When it's a not ajar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 11:09PM)
I don't know...but it's definitely NOT New Zealand.

What does the S in USA stand for?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 21, 2007 11:21PM)
That's a typo, it's suppose to be a $.

How do you get holy water?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 21, 2007 11:34PM)
Poke it.

Whose last words were "Look out! It's behind you!"
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 22, 2007 06:40AM)
It's Cousin, Gomez...

Where do ghosts use the bathroom?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 22, 2007 06:50AM)
In the LooooOOOOOoooOOO! (one for the Australian's and the Brits)


When did the Middle Ages end?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 07:43AM)
Knight before last.

Manish ta na la zey? (Why is this Knight different from other nights)
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 22, 2007 10:11AM)
Cause protective clothing are more....

If a sneeze is a sneeze why do dogs lick faces?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 10:23AM)
Cause a kiss is not just a kiss.

Whats the difference between chocolate and doggie doo?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 22, 2007 10:24AM)
Harris, don't send me any Valentine gifts.

How many lightbaulbs does it take to screw in a Cheetah?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 11:16AM)
One Green One that is fast and an energy saber.

Why do so many magicians sport goatees? (beards)
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 22, 2007 11:20AM)
They used to support lambs, but it was a sheepish sport.

How do lemons ask for the time?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 22, 2007 11:37AM)
They don't, they just "squeeze" stuff into their schedules...


Why did Lyndel cross the road?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 22, 2007 11:40AM)
To see if it was as much fun as the chicken said it was.

What's a biscuits favourite novel?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 12:08PM)
Seabiscuit by Hillbrand.

What is the ventriloquist favorite brand of cereal?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 22, 2007 12:17PM)
Oeetagix and nilk.

What do you call a mule with 5 ears?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 12:24PM)
A very corny animal.

Why didn't the puppet like to eat his vegetables?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 22, 2007 12:50PM)
He's just being difficult, you know, with that stick up his arss.

What's the difference between dark and hard?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 22, 2007 01:27PM)
It gets dark in the evening and hard in the morning......

What's black and white and blue all over?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 22, 2007 01:44PM)
A depressed Zebra.

Why was the inmate depressed?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 22, 2007 02:14PM)
Because Martha Stewart was getting out.


What does a cherry do on his day off?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 22, 2007 02:42PM)
Get stoned.

How do you get an elephant into a phonebox?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 22, 2007 03:04PM)
Put a mini in there first.

What did the dyslexic fire eater say to the duck?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 22, 2007 03:19PM)
Are you a member of M.A.D (ducks against dyslexia)?

Two dyslexics walk into a bra and say..
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 22, 2007 03:50PM)
Can you smell gas? and the other says "I can't even spell my own name"

What does santa get for xmas?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 22, 2007 05:37PM)
Overtime

What did the bottle say to the horsefly?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 22, 2007 07:01PM)
How did you get wings and horsehoes?

What happens when Fraggles do drugs?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 22, 2007 07:33PM)
They get violent and attack muppets...

What do you get when you cross David Copperfield and a chick from Seattle?
Message: Posted by: Flying Magus (Oct 22, 2007 08:24PM)
Rumors!

Why doesn't Copperfield fly coach?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 22, 2007 10:31PM)
It turns into a pumpkin after midnight.


What kind of cheese is made backwards?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 23, 2007 01:11AM)
Dancing With The Stars (or "edam")

How many lighbulbs does it take to change a magician?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 23, 2007 07:07AM)
Just the one, in the right place, will change an IT worker into a lame puppeteer.

What did the escape artist say to the cucumber?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 23, 2007 07:24AM)
"***...I need to find a girlfriend. Same time next week?"


You can measure time and you can measure other things, but why does president bush wear two shoes?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 23, 2007 10:19AM)
Because someone else dresses him.

What sound does a crabapple tree make?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 23, 2007 11:16AM)
A Crust-Achin one.

What did the bicycle say to the deck of cards?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 23, 2007 11:25AM)
I'm two tyred I'll deal with you later. (groan)

Give me a sentence using the word 'poppycock'
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 23, 2007 12:12PM)
One time I ate a poppycock bagel and I tested positive for marijuana....

What's the difference between a poppycock and a shuttlecock?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 23, 2007 12:20PM)
One is the Daddy & ....

What did Orville Rednebokker say when he discovered his popcorn?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 23, 2007 02:09PM)
Pop! You gotta come in here and see this!

Why are magicians assistants so tall?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 23, 2007 04:24PM)
So they can supply extended support?

Why are there no wheelbarrows in the jungle?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 23, 2007 07:32PM)
Because snakes don't have arms, the sloths are too lazy and the elephants have their own trunks.

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 23, 2007 07:33PM)
Because none of the animals know how to pronounce it.....

Why do cats meow?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 23, 2007 11:51PM)
Because if they went moo they'd be cows...and no one wants to have a cow sit on their lap.

Wky did KobiHasOneEye ignore my answer? :) :) :)
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 24, 2007 03:52AM)
Jealousy; there were two i's in your question.

What's wobbly and smells of cabbages?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 24, 2007 06:40AM)
My Uncle...

Where do reindeer eat?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 24, 2007 06:50AM)
At Burger KING.

Who put the bop in the bop She bop?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 24, 2007 08:12AM)
Burger king. (they doo woppers)

What do you get if you cross 2 sheep and Albert Goshman?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 24, 2007 08:17AM)
Dung under a Salt Shaker

Why was the magician cross eyed?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 24, 2007 08:31AM)
He was trying to confuse an NLPer.

What's a frog's favourite card game?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 24, 2007 08:34AM)
"Leggo" my Old Maid

What does a Harmonica Player put on his pancakes?
Message: Posted by: honus (Oct 24, 2007 10:43AM)
Blues-berry syrup.

George Bush walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What's yours?" Bush says . . . .
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 24, 2007 02:01PM)
[quote]
On 2007-10-24 00:51, Nicholas J. Johnson wrote:
Because if they went moo they'd be cows...and no one wants to have a cow sit on their lap.

Wky did KobiHasOneEye ignore my answer? :) :) :)
[/quote]
If you notice the time the post was posted, very close to yours. So he did not read it in time.
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 24, 2007 02:06PM)
(Queitley) I would like to lend your copy of Dora the Explorer in Iraq.

"Sir this is a bar not a libary!"

(shouting) Sorry! I would like to lend your copy of Dora the Explorer in Iraq!

(see what I did there? Clever eh?)

What did the pencil say to the pope.
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Oct 24, 2007 02:14PM)
I'm glad you're a write winger......

What do you get when you cross a hanging cow?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 24, 2007 03:02PM)
X marks the beef.

Why did 13 chickens cross the road on November the 3rd 1988?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 24, 2007 06:49PM)
Maumoon Abdul Gayoom ordered them to.

How did the 3 friendly faces elude Harry?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 24, 2007 07:46PM)
They hid in the closet with Dumbledore

What's the worse then to say to a seahorse on his wedding day?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 24, 2007 07:53PM)
Is it hers?

What do you get if you cross a hypnotist with a goat killer?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 25, 2007 12:21AM)
La Chupacadabra

Whose the black private dick whose the sex machine to all the chicks?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 25, 2007 07:45AM)
Richard Roundtree's Pekin cockerel.

Two goldfish in a pond one says to the other:
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 25, 2007 10:33AM)
It's raining out- I hope I don't drown!

I hate it when...........
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 25, 2007 12:15PM)
My goldfish borrows my umbrella on a rainy day.

What zodiac sign is your goldfish?
Message: Posted by: honus (Oct 25, 2007 01:53PM)
Virgo, because . . . well, it would embarrass him if I told you.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a naked mole rat?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 25, 2007 02:27PM)
A suit

How do you know if a ferret has stolen your watch?
Message: Posted by: Sealegs (Oct 25, 2007 02:32PM)
I think it's stoatally impossible to tell.

What's animal vegetable and mineral?
Message: Posted by: calamari (Oct 25, 2007 05:27PM)
A rabbit a carrot and a small military leader.


whats the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 25, 2007 06:49PM)
A light bulb will go out every now and again.

How can you tell if your dog has crabs?
Message: Posted by: Sid Mayer (Oct 25, 2007 07:17PM)
You could paint it green, you could hang it on the wall and so what if it doesn't whistle.
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 25, 2007 07:30PM)
Since the last joke doesn't follow the rules shall we go back to my previous question?


How can you tell if your dog has crabs?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 25, 2007 08:18PM)
Eventually, you too will get crabs!

If you had a pet reindeer, what would you name him?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 25, 2007 09:09PM)
Vanishing Bandanna

Why are computers smart?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Oct 26, 2007 01:56AM)
They are all connected to Bill Gates who is a super being from the planet Zarg.


What makes the world go around?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 26, 2007 07:15AM)
I doesn't know the short cut.

Frankenstein's monster walks into a bar...
Message: Posted by: honus (Oct 26, 2007 08:38AM)
. . . says, "Anybody here want a piece of me?"

Why did the [url=http://thethunderchild.com/RadioDrama/LightsOut/TheChickenHeart.html]Giant Chicken Heart[/url] cross the road? (Kudos to the late Arch Oboler!)
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 26, 2007 10:36AM)
To get to the bypass.

Whats the difference between a piece of paper and a piece of brain?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 26, 2007 12:06PM)
Ones a slice of a tree, the other is a slice that's not nice.

What did the brain say to the comedian?
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Oct 26, 2007 12:39PM)
"If you were a magician we probably would never have met."

Three guys were enjoying adult beverages, the first notices he has small hands, the second; small feet, the third; small "Male extremities". They all try to win awards for their small attributes. The first two win, the third comes home with a sad look on his face and says:
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 26, 2007 02:06PM)
Josh Riel beet me AGAIN!



Your assistant is so fat...
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 26, 2007 02:48PM)
Josh Riel beat me AGAIN!

Your assistant is so fat...
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 26, 2007 05:45PM)
...She has to be cut in quarters.
...When she sits around the stage, she sits AROUND the stage
...she has her own IBM Ring number.
...She puts her make up on with a turkey baster
...She can't perform on Sundays 'cos Barnum and Bailey need their tent back.
...The secret gimmick in the sub truck is a crow bar.
...Her version of "assistants revenge" is to eat the rabbit.
...She can body load a train
...Copperfield has a safe in her.
...Even Chris Angel won't date her.
...The broom levitation is done with a street sweeper.

Two sheep are talking to one another in the paddock. One says to the other "Did you see Lord of Rings" and the other says...
Message: Posted by: calamari (Oct 26, 2007 05:56PM)
See them? I'm dating three of them...


that magician was so bad?...

how bad was he?...
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 26, 2007 07:09PM)
He was as bad at magic as a giraffe is at limbo dancing.

What's white on the outside, pink and green on the inside and travels at 100mph?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 26, 2007 07:21PM)
A Limo full of drunk teenagers going to the prom/formal/dance

If toast comes out of a toaster, what comes out of microwave?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 26, 2007 07:33PM)
Micowav

What does a satanic duck wear to the pie shop?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 27, 2007 09:27AM)
An Egg Pentaflan

How much is that doggy in the window?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 27, 2007 10:07AM)
I"m not sure. I only put him there via Doggy Through Window just the other day. HE was a ****er. WHy would you want to buy him?

A magician is so poor that......
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 27, 2007 06:14PM)
He is so poor - he can't even pay attention.



What did the landlady take from the magician instead of the rent money?
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Oct 27, 2007 08:01PM)
His virginity (He was only 35 after all).

What has 8 legs and runs screaming: "Ho dee do"?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 28, 2007 05:04PM)
A barbershop quartet being lynched for forgetting the words.
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 28, 2007 07:52PM)
Since nobody asked a question, I will.

Why does a centipede have 100 legs?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 28, 2007 07:56PM)
Because if it didn't it would be a worm?


Why did my question get deleted?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 28, 2007 08:06PM)
.


Why did my answer get deleted?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 28, 2007 08:29PM)
So you could ask your next question.



Why do men have nipples?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 28, 2007 08:40PM)
To help them put their shirts on the right way around.

What do you call a man with a cigar up his nose?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 28, 2007 08:48PM)
Cockeyed.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a lightning conductor!
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Oct 28, 2007 08:59PM)
It must be the steel plate in your head.

When I was a little boy, my mommy used to tell me........
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 28, 2007 09:12PM)
It'll grow as you do....she lied.

Why are the English so rude?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 28, 2007 09:41PM)
To release the suppressure valve. (bum)

Why don't tigers wear clogs?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 28, 2007 09:44PM)
Because they just DON'T 'go' with stripes!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white (etc?)?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 28, 2007 09:55PM)
Michael Jackson caught in a time loop.

Why did the penguin roll down the hill?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 29, 2007 01:53AM)
He wanted to test his 'flipper'

When is the best time to salt pork?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 29, 2007 09:49AM)
When the hog isn't paying attention...

Why didn't the turtle cross the road?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 29, 2007 01:27PM)
To (not) get to the other tide.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bus conductor?
Message: Posted by: calamari (Oct 29, 2007 01:58PM)
Is a bus conductor the same as a bus driver? or is this an actual conductor walking around the bus taking tickets?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 29, 2007 02:09PM)
A miserable Clucker.


How do you confuse an American?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 29, 2007 02:22PM)
Speak English.

Why did the assistant vanish?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 29, 2007 03:16PM)
Because the paycheck bounced.

How do you confuse the British?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Oct 29, 2007 04:16PM)
Say that you speak English but actually speak American.

What do a donkey, a unicycle and a bowl of rice have in common?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 29, 2007 05:20PM)
I had them all for dinner.

What's the difference between a chicken?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 29, 2007 05:40PM)
It's wing is on the opposite side.

What's the difference between a half a rabbit and a bucket of frogs?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 29, 2007 06:02PM)
No difference. Both taste like chicken.


Why is a traffic light red?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 29, 2007 06:15PM)
Its embarrassed about the congestion.


What do you get if you cross a minister for the environment with a sheep?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 29, 2007 06:20PM)
Green Wool

What's the difference between a half a rabbit and a bucket of frogs? (for George)
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 29, 2007 06:36PM)
If I knew, I wouldn't have asked....

Can you give a sentence with the word "horticulture" in it?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 29, 2007 07:12PM)
You can lead a horticulture but you can't make him think.

(golden oldie)


Is nothing permanent?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 29, 2007 09:09PM)
I hope not.


Why did George start this?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 29, 2007 09:49PM)
He's collecting material for his new book.


What's the best way to locate a funny bone?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 29, 2007 10:52PM)
Exploratory surgery.

Will any royalties be paid from the book?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 29, 2007 11:05PM)
No - but we will be royally shafted!

what is the title of George's book?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 30, 2007 06:49AM)
Pinchlines

What did the vampire say to the witch?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 09:01AM)
You sure are a cold-blooded bi###!

What did the witch say back?
Message: Posted by: honus (Oct 30, 2007 09:02AM)
"Well, you suck!"

What do spectres eat for breakfast?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Oct 30, 2007 09:50AM)
Ghoulash and bananas.

Why was the fish sad?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 10:41AM)
Because his 'net' profish were down...

Why was the Fish Boat Capt. happy?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 30, 2007 11:03AM)
He was a Pisces working for Scale.

Why did the magician run out of gold fish?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 11:06AM)
Cause he forgot to make them reappear...

Why did the pet shop go out of business?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 30, 2007 11:11AM)
Their Leash ran out.

What do you get when you cross a goldfish with a dachhound/sic?..(weiner dog)?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 12:30PM)
Really strange looking Sushi, that tastes vaguely of Oscar Meyer...

What do you get when you cross and elephant and a kangaroo?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 30, 2007 12:30PM)
Dinner for five.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 12:31PM)
No Idear?

Same question, what do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 30, 2007 12:33PM)
[quote]
On 2007-10-30 13:30, Dan Paulus wrote:
Dinner for five. [/quote]

Trying to answer the previous joke, someone beat me to it.

Please continue...
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 30, 2007 12:35PM)
[quote]
On 2007-10-30 13:31, Professor Piper wrote:
No Idear?

Same question, what do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
[/quote]

Great big holes all across Australia!


What's a hindu?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 30, 2007 01:40PM)
The answer to the question where to look when backing up.

Where is the best place to look for unicorns?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Oct 30, 2007 02:32PM)
On a Uni's feet

what goes; whiff whiff whiff Jump whiff wiff wiff Jump whiff whiff whiff Jump whiff wiff wiff Jump?
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Oct 30, 2007 03:00PM)
A police K-9 jumping rope...

Why is Chris Angel popular?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 30, 2007 03:08PM)
Because he did it TWO WEEKS before anyone else, with a FRIGGIN ELEPHANT GUN!!!
FREAKIN' ECK!!!



What do you get if you cross a chimpanzee with a lightbulb?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 03:44PM)
A Criss Angel animal special?

What's grosser than gross?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 30, 2007 03:47PM)
A grocer.


?天地玄黃宇宙洪荒日月盈仄
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 30, 2007 03:56PM)
3.5 X Pie

Why is the sky blue?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 30, 2007 07:09PM)
Because it's cold.

What type of animal is a derfish?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 30, 2007 07:19PM)
It's like a derf but a bit more whirly.

What's green and sounds like a zebra?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 31, 2007 07:31AM)
The Wicked Witches Brasier (sic)

Why are magicians bad spelerz?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Oct 31, 2007 10:18AM)
Because their "Spell" checker hasn't been updated.

Why didn't 'Hooked on Phonics" work for Barbara Walters?
Message: Posted by: harris (Oct 31, 2007 12:15PM)
She got her Bee's in a upwoar.

Where do Bee's wash there clothes?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 31, 2007 02:45PM)
In a humdinger.

What is the difference between George Orwell and Orson Wells?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Oct 31, 2007 03:43PM)
There's no such thing as a George cart.

Knock knock,
Who's there,
Aldous Huxley,
Aldous Huxley who?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Oct 31, 2007 05:15PM)
Aldous Huxley came for lunch.


What kind of stone is never found in the ocean?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Oct 31, 2007 05:30PM)
Keith Richards.

What's the difference between the ocean and the sea?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Oct 31, 2007 06:12PM)
Oncs.


how many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 1, 2007 05:11AM)
200. 1 to change the bulb and then other 199 to keep the car running.

Where do pirates but their patches?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 1, 2007 09:55AM)
With there heads...(that is if you did mean but not put...

Why did the pirate become a magician?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 1, 2007 11:36AM)
To learn to control his own deck.

What do you get if you cross Nick Johnson with a sea-food restaurant?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 1, 2007 01:19PM)
Well 'BATtered' fish and chips...

What do you get when you mix Lemon juice with water?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Nov 1, 2007 02:25PM)
Minute Maid lemonaid.


What's the diffence between Carot Top & Gallagher?
Message: Posted by: calamari (Nov 1, 2007 03:46PM)
About 20 years...


what do you get when you cross a Carot Top with a Gallagher?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 1, 2007 09:38PM)
A better act.

What do you get when you cross George Carlin and Richard Pryor?
Message: Posted by: honus (Nov 2, 2007 08:23AM)
A flaming hippie.

What do you get when you cross Jim Callahan with Criss Angel?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 2, 2007 08:45AM)
An intergalactic marshmallow.

How many pickled peppers did Professor Piper pick?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 2, 2007 10:15AM)
He lost count after drinking the juice!

Where do you get Kansas Juice?

(aside...I love it when the next question ties into the thread and keeps it going.....OCD except cleaning....Harris)
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 2, 2007 10:32AM)
In a Kansas Synagogue

How many owls does it take to mend a hovercraft?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 2, 2007 10:58AM)
One, with a message to the Acme Hovercraft reparo service.

(Hic)

How do you tell if a pepper is pickled? (Hic)
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 2, 2007 11:17AM)
His shades keep slipping down his nose.

How do you tell if a pickle is peppered?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 2, 2007 11:25AM)
There is a report of an a Salt.

Why did Goshman use Salt Shakers?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 3, 2007 04:30PM)
They were in season.

How do you know if a monkey has stolen your bicycle?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 3, 2007 10:18PM)
By the faint sound of accordian music coming from down the block...

How can you tell that your elephant is having her 'monthly'?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 3, 2007 10:36PM)
All the sheep are red


(ewwww. I even disgusted myself)

Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 3, 2007 10:40PM)
Because your loose change disappears everytime it gets close to it....

(ewwwwww, I was disgusted myself....LOL...My anwser? Your mattress is missing and there is 50cents on the dresser)

The "100 Year War"....Elaborate.
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 4, 2007 07:07PM)
....was apparently a direct result of the 100 Year War.



What is the most effective solution to the problem of Global Warming?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Nov 4, 2007 07:22PM)
Save trees from Cats

Why was the cat saving the tree?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 4, 2007 08:06PM)
Because the cat likes things that 'bark'

How many barks does it take.......?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 4, 2007 08:42PM)
...to be barking mad?

How many barks does it take to be barking mad?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 4, 2007 09:37PM)
Woof! Gibber Gibber, Howooooooool!




Woof! Gibber Gibber, Howooooooool?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 4, 2007 09:50PM)
No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.

How many sheep does it take to screw in an elephant?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 4, 2007 10:33PM)
Enough for a National Geographics special hosted by Jeff Corwin.

What do you get when your cow has a 'twitch'?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Nov 4, 2007 11:22PM)
A milkshake.



What do lazy dogs do for fun?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 4, 2007 11:29PM)
{or Beef Jerky}

Lazy dogs EAT for fun!

What do lazy Cats do for fun?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 5, 2007 02:24PM)
They let the mice catch them.


Why do mice like cheese?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 5, 2007 05:09PM)
Because it's FREAKING CHEESE! Who doesn't like cheese??

Why don't mice like Wine with their cheese?
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 5, 2007 05:13PM)
'Cause they're married, and have dozens of kids. They have enough wine.

Why is 1 glass of red wine good, but 15 really good?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 5, 2007 07:03PM)
Because 1 glass makes me look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman but 15 makes me look like Matt Damon. (true story)

Why did the ostrich eat the rattle snake?
Message: Posted by: One Man (Nov 5, 2007 07:15PM)
To get to the prize in the bottom....

1st prize at the county fair was..??..
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 6, 2007 10:05AM)
Not...fair that is.


Why did the chicken cross the turkey?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 6, 2007 07:21PM)
He was on his way to inventing the "Turduckin"...

Why was the Duck so late in joining in?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Nov 6, 2007 09:36PM)
He was paying his bill.

Why did the horse not drink when he was led to water?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 7, 2007 07:32AM)
He didn't want to be dead from the led.

What color was the horse of a different color?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 7, 2007 07:02PM)
Cow coloured.

Why is cows milk white?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 7, 2007 10:12PM)
Because of it's 'utter' lack of color?

Why are Quail eggs speckled?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 8, 2007 08:34AM)
I pooed on them.

How do you get the spackles off the egg?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 8, 2007 07:18PM)
With "OxyClean Plus!!"

How many picks in a peck?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 9, 2007 03:42AM)
Three - to kill a mocking bird, cape fear and the remake of cape fear where he played a crotchety old judge.

Why are the answers to these riddles getting lazier?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 9, 2007 09:15AM)
Cause we're Americans. (Gee, that as lazy)

Why aren't Mexicans typically lazy?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 9, 2007 06:32PM)
Because they eat jumping beans, (yawn)....



What did the mexican jumping bean say to the spotted dick?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 10, 2007 09:20AM)
LEt's move to Mexifornia with my 2 nuts?

What did Moby Dick say to the spotted dick in Mexifornia?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 11, 2007 05:50AM)
Lets walk into a bar and see if anyone comes up with a punchline.

What time is it when your left leg explodes?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 11, 2007 11:07AM)
Time to get the F___ outta IRAQ!

Two penquins walk into a bar....
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Nov 11, 2007 12:21PM)
It was a penguin bar.

What did Steven King get for his birthday of Micheal Jackson?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 11, 2007 01:12PM)
A glove with the hand still attached.

What did the glove say to the car?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 11, 2007 02:07PM)
I'm an udder and you are a womb, lets make babies.


Three babies walk into a bar....
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 11, 2007 03:30PM)
Three babies walk into a bar and all ask for a drink. Luckily for them it was that bar in "Total Recall" so the freaky woman sorted them out.

Three barbies walk into a spar...
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 11, 2007 03:37PM)
Three barbies walk into a spar screaming 'Liberty or Death!' before blowing themselves up, they were working for the cows (true story).


What did the Anarchist say to the Policeman?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 11, 2007 06:28PM)
Janie's got a gun (it was a policewoman).

What did the gun say to the bullet?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 11, 2007 08:47PM)
Just ask Brandon Lee!

Okay, that was mean....

How many pits are in a pear?
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 11, 2007 11:41PM)
2 there is a pair of pits in a pear.

Why do I agree with Nicholas and also would add that they questions and answers are less funny than in the beginning?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 12, 2007 10:18AM)
You want to be on Saints good list...(Christmas is coming)

Who was the brown nose reindeer?

(Lame jokes told at the right time can be as effective as great ones....or get groans and lack of work...)
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 12, 2007 11:14AM)
Clyde the brown nose reindeer, he had a s**T of a time flying.

A moan or groan is a good as a laugh, that comes from Robin Williams.

What did the flying squirlel say to the talking moose?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 12, 2007 12:33PM)
I can see the Reindeer's lips moving...

Why did the Ventriloquist shop on line?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Nov 12, 2007 09:25PM)
So no one could see his HORRIBLE lip control!

Why do some folks complain about things, rather than just fixing them? Lazy perhaps?
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 12, 2007 10:44PM)
Because were someone to ask that question, they would in fact be complaining and at odds with themselves.


Why does a Necromancer need Romance, but Necrophilia not?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 12, 2007 11:19PM)
Because you don't need to call corpse the next morning!

If twelve eggs is a dozen, what is twelve chickens?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 13, 2007 07:44AM)
A lot of chicken poop.

Ok, this next one in line could go two ways.... hmmm... chicken or poop?

Two chickens walk into a coup.....
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 13, 2007 09:57AM)
They use force to overthrow the totalitarian rooster.

A bird in the hand is worth?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 13, 2007 07:40PM)
Two poops.

See, I got poops in there someway.

So two poops went to a bar and....
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 14, 2007 09:29AM)
And said...Where is the non fat dressing?

What's worse than a salad bar without a sneeze guard?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Nov 15, 2007 03:18AM)
Most of these jokes since page 5.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 15, 2007 05:59AM)
Buy a pack of cards then throw it at 4 different lawyers.

How can you tell if the London Symphony Orchestra is in your bread bin?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 15, 2007 07:47AM)
See if the lead violinist has a bun in the oven.


What did Norm Nielsen say to his floating violin?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 15, 2007 10:46AM)
"It's amazing what you can achieve by fiddling with your G string."

What's the difference between an onion and Shirley Bassey?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 15, 2007 04:41PM)
One makes you sob and want to claw your eyes out...the other is an onion.
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 15, 2007 04:44PM)
How do you make an unfunny joke funnier?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 15, 2007 05:00PM)
Thay the punthline thith yaw thung bethween your theeth. (maketh me thithther)

How do you make a funny joke unfunnier?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 15, 2007 05:16PM)
Tell it in Croatian.

What's the difference between a Croation and an Alsation?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 15, 2007 05:41PM)
About 600 miles.

How do you get 3 cows into a tupperware box?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 15, 2007 05:54PM)
First, you must remove the lid.



Why are the Czechs always bouncing?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 16, 2007 04:40AM)
Ever driven an old Skoda?

How many Belgians does it take to make a sandwich?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 16, 2007 12:21PM)
None, they just make Waffles (get it, belgian walffles).

What did the waffle say to the George Foreman grill?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 16, 2007 12:34PM)
Waffle, waffle, waffle. (get it, waffle waffle waffle)

What did George say to his foreman?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 16, 2007 12:43PM)
You cant fire me, Im magicgeorge.


What did magicgeorge say when he got his pink slip?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 16, 2007 12:58PM)
Thanks, Rick, but I don't think it will fit me.

What did Popeye say to the goldfish?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 16, 2007 01:36PM)
Glug glug glug glug.


What goes glug glug glug glug pop!
Message: Posted by: Josh Riel (Nov 16, 2007 02:55PM)
Your comedy is bad and you should feel bad.
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 16, 2007 03:01PM)
It is and I do.


What goes glug glug glug glug pop!
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 16, 2007 04:14PM)
An alcoholic weasel.

What's the collective noun for children's entertainers?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 16, 2007 06:14PM)
Bozo?

What did Bozo say to the circus crowd?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 16, 2007 08:14PM)
Bozo the clown or a Bozo of children's entertainers? I'm going for a cunning retort that works for either:
"Hello!"

Why do I feel bad?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 16, 2007 11:51PM)
Because this thread has lost it's funny.

Why are words that start with a 'k' naturally funny?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 17, 2007 05:30AM)
Because George Burns said so.

What do you get if you cross Harry Blackstone with a pineapple?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 17, 2007 07:07AM)
A Harry Pineapple.

Lobster Tails: Once upon a time, there were two lobsters.......
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 17, 2007 09:43AM)
They were shipped to Shawnee and London..

The book.. Tails of two Cities...

Why did the man hang lobsters on his Chanukah Bush?



Shalom..harris
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 17, 2007 07:27PM)
Because he was trying to pinch it.

Gouranga!


Why are Hare Krisna's nicer than Buddhists?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 18, 2007 08:44AM)
Do you give up?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Nov 19, 2007 01:26PM)
Because Gouranga rang?

Say it with me G-o-u-r-a-n-g-a
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 19, 2007 03:43PM)
Let's go back to "Why are Hare Krisna's nicer than Buddhists"

Because Dogma is man's best friend!

Let's try and make the questions easier in order to get funnier answers!




Why did the giraffe go to the drive in?
Message: Posted by: Tim David (Nov 19, 2007 06:07PM)
He wanted to show off his new "spots car".

What did the magic 8-ball say to the Rubik's Cube?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 20, 2007 12:05PM)
Maybe yes or Maybe YES!

Pi R Squared....because...
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 21, 2007 08:22AM)
Pi r squared because it was the MCs day off.

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
Message: Posted by: Tim David (Nov 21, 2007 11:34AM)
A constipated owl knows where his pellets are.

The other day, I looked under my thumbnail and...
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 21, 2007 05:28PM)
...found a host of golden daffodils.



What's green and yellow and red all over?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 21, 2007 07:04PM)
Brown

What do you call a fish with no legs?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 21, 2007 07:12PM)
Owt you like, he won't be able to chase you, unless your in the water that is...

Why did the leg feel numb?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 21, 2007 10:58PM)
Because numb was so cute. then she slapped him.

why did the sexy girl slap the magician?
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Nov 22, 2007 12:18AM)
Because he turned into a motel.

(Tim's reply about the pellets is very funny btw)

What don't elephants wear pants?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 22, 2007 07:45AM)
Because when they went on Holiday they would have to pack their trunks.


(No one is very funny except for me)



What is a duck billed platypuss?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Nov 22, 2007 11:58AM)
A platypus before paying for his peking duck.

What the did the shoe say to the car?
Message: Posted by: Silvertongue (Nov 22, 2007 04:02PM)
My other shoes a Nike...

whats the difference between a monkey and a bone?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 23, 2007 05:52PM)
The differences are too numerous to go into here in any great length.
It may be easier to explore their similarities, then everything else, by default would become a difference. Philosophically speaking the difference between a monkey and a bone, is you.


What goes ping ping ping ping ping pong?
Message: Posted by: Gordyboy (Nov 23, 2007 08:15PM)
A spider playing ping pong (and cheating).


What's the difference between a magician and a musician?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Nov 24, 2007 01:00AM)
Musicians don't play Gag Tag late at night.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 24, 2007 08:26AM)
Facial hair.

what did the hair say to the hare?
Message: Posted by: Hagerman (Nov 24, 2007 10:04PM)
This hat isn't big enough for the two of us.

Did you hear about the bear who crossed the road?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Nov 25, 2007 02:28AM)
Yeah, I heard he was stalking a chicken.



Two plus two equals four because...
Message: Posted by: ricker (Nov 25, 2007 08:43AM)
If it were 8, PI would be 6.28 and magicians would be rock stars.

What did Stephen Hawking say to the Quantum?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Nov 27, 2007 06:30AM)
H=-Δ in L2(Rd) and P projecting onto an open Ω⊂Rd with a smooth boundary. Then the limits exists and HP is equal to the Dirichlet Laplacian in L2(Ω).



What is the difference between an equation and the equator?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 28, 2007 11:43AM)
Don't know, I can't differentiate.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a duck?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Nov 28, 2007 10:45PM)
A cat that will get down.
A cat that just wont drown.
A nice wet....


What looks like half a cat?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Nov 29, 2007 09:01AM)
The other half in a mirror.

How can you tell if there is a cow under your bed?
Message: Posted by: honus (Nov 29, 2007 11:49AM)
Check the closet; if she's not there, under the bed is the only "udder" place she could be.

Why are male cows called "bulls"?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Nov 30, 2007 01:11AM)
Because liar was already taken.

Why is 12 dozen so gross?
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 30, 2007 11:54AM)
ONE is FOR FOUR. ( Me I'm For Pi..especially ones cut into Fourths..but I eat half at a time...

What grossed out the harmonica player?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Nov 30, 2007 04:04PM)
A magician that was actually a better entertainer then he was.

What did the worm say to the fishing hook?

Kyle
Message: Posted by: Silvertongue (Nov 30, 2007 05:05PM)
Houch hat huckin hurts...

Why did the munchkin cross the yellow brick road?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Nov 30, 2007 10:07PM)
Cause the outhouse was on the other side. Why do you think the road was yellow? geesh.

What do you get when you have 150 magicians in a room and only one deck of cards?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 2, 2007 05:58AM)
1490 itchy fingers.

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.......
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 2, 2007 08:48AM)
Bar owner says to the monkey: "Do you know you have a man growing out of your butt?"

What do you get when you cross a magician with a kangaroo?
Message: Posted by: Hagerman (Dec 2, 2007 11:24PM)
Sued by animal rights activists.

One hundred twenty six karate school dropouts walked into a bar,
the bartender said....
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 3, 2007 02:27AM)
We've got all the help we need.

When is an orange not an orange?

Edd
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Dec 3, 2007 02:31AM)
When it's green.

What sort of soup do they serve on a battleship?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Dec 3, 2007 01:21PM)
Alphabet soup, with numbers garnish.

My cow wont give milk in the summer. So...
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Dec 3, 2007 02:05PM)
Take the butter she has



Who moved my cheese?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 3, 2007 02:33PM)
The same person who CUT it.

Where do all the missing socks go?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 3, 2007 05:02PM)
Well, it's like this. When your socks go missing you worry about them for a bit then buy new socks. After you buy new socks you don't miss your old socks anymore. If you don't have them but also you're not missing them then the only conclusion can be that there were no socks in the first place.

Two flys swimming in a glass of whiskey. One says to the other......
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 3, 2007 11:51PM)
This is much better than the soup!

What do you get when you cross a top change with a gaffed card?
Message: Posted by: Hagerman (Dec 4, 2007 12:13AM)
What ever it is, it's not original. I saw a guy do that years ago.

Why does he lick his thumb before performing a card trick?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 4, 2007 12:49AM)
Licking anything else would not be socially acceptable in mixed company.

How does a person with no rhythm find the off beat?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 4, 2007 01:12AM)
They're already on it.

If toilets flush clockwise in the northern hemisphere and counter clockwise in the southern hemisphere, which way do they flush on the equator?

Edd
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 4, 2007 01:52AM)
Down if you're lucky.

Red sponge balls come from...
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 4, 2007 10:47AM)
Rudolph

How did Rudolph light the Menorah?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 4, 2007 12:06PM)
Well out of the way of his sponge balls.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer walks into a bar...
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 4, 2007 02:27PM)
The bartender says, "Ohhh, no, no, we don't want any of your reindeer games."

Four score and seven years ago....

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 4, 2007 03:36PM)
People still had problems with math.

The night before Christmas and all through the house....
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 4, 2007 10:36PM)
Mom and dad were scrambling looking for AA batteries.

If Santa really is magical, then why do the elves have to make the toys by hand?

Edd
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 4, 2007 11:47PM)
It's a union deal.

Santa is so fat....
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 5, 2007 06:31AM)
His cereal bowl came with it's own lifeguard.

Explain why reindeer can fly....
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 5, 2007 09:04AM)
Cause they take themselves lightly.

They have a lot of frequent flyer miles.

It's safer than going by car

_____________

What should I get a magician who has everything?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 5, 2007 01:39PM)
Since we're breaking out the oldies.... penicillin.

Why was the elf sad?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 5, 2007 02:05PM)
An assistant who has nothing.

What did the magician say to the deck of cards?
Message: Posted by: kimmo (Dec 5, 2007 07:52PM)
I'll deal with you later... <groan>

Why was that elf sad again?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 5, 2007 10:37PM)
Because he wanted to be a dentist.

Vladimir Putin, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Hugo Chavez, walk into a bar...

Edd
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 5, 2007 11:35PM)
Vladimir orders a shot of Vodka,
Mahmoud orders a beer,
and Hugo asks for a job.

The 21 card trick is to Magic as___________ is to _______________.
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 6, 2007 08:38AM)
As punching yourself in the face is to Boxing. They both get a reaction, but is it really entertainment?

What is the one thing you can do to ensure a standing ovation?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 6, 2007 08:56AM)
Perform for the National Association of Haemorrhoids Sufferers.

How many mentalists can you fit in a tank?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 6, 2007 12:52PM)
If your are one you already know the answer.

If not...none but he was there doing preshow work....

____ ______ ______ ______?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 6, 2007 02:28PM)
That diagram above is a professors nitemare gone horribly wrong. hehehe sorry folks, I could not resists.

How can you tell Harris apart from his puppet?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 6, 2007 02:39PM)
The puppet doesn't have bad breath! (I apologize for the shot Harris)

Guys named Jerrine should always avoid...
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 6, 2007 02:52PM)
Telling Harris he has bad breath! =)

How can you tell that Kyle (me) is the coolest and most suave magician around? (this should be fun lol)
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Dec 6, 2007 05:04PM)
The Moustache of Misdirection gives Kyle the illusion he is a suave, cool dude, when in fact from his avatar he is Freddie Mercury!

Apologies but you did ask for it!!!

What, why and how.....
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 6, 2007 05:43PM)
Did we get to this point?

What's the difference between a magician and a cup of coffee?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 6, 2007 10:04PM)
Danny: hehehehehe NICE my friend. Love it. =)Got to use that Mustache Of Misdirection more often lol

A cup of coffee is actually WORTH something.

What did the worm say to the bird?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 6, 2007 11:42PM)
I'm so very sorry, you're late. You can't eat me.

(The answer I was looking for was avoid the sun. It would make him a tangerine. :))

How come so many clowns in the car?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 7, 2007 07:39AM)
They took the song literally.

Who put the bop in the bop she bop?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Dec 7, 2007 07:57AM)
The same person that put the linga in the dinga linga ding dong.

Why do birds suddenly appear?
Message: Posted by: honus (Dec 7, 2007 09:05AM)
Because Lance Burton needs to get his coat dry-cleaned.

[Aside to Harris - what song?]

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 7, 2007 09:19AM)
Cause it is way too far to walk and taking a cab is out of the question.

What are the top 5 ways you can tell a person is a magician?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 7, 2007 11:12AM)
(aside song answer......Send in the Clowns)

5 reasons...His card is ambitious....5 times...

Where did Harris' Hair go...?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 7, 2007 11:24AM)
No where. He just grew through the top of it. Or Onto his back and shoulders (shudder!).

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Edd
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 7, 2007 11:31AM)
(aside to Ed..How did you know..I have a full back of hare!)

A billionare with poor investments...

What should a magician's spouse invest in?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 7, 2007 11:55AM)
Ear plugs and a lock for the check book. =)

What do you get when you have 200 magicians at an auction and only one item up for bid?
Message: Posted by: bobser (Dec 7, 2007 04:09PM)
200 magicians re-mortgaging their homes to bid for it.

What did the gay mentalist say to the magician whose mother had a goldfish called bob?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 7, 2007 07:06PM)
I think we are in the wrong movie!

How do you know you have been visiting this thread way too much?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 8, 2007 12:43AM)
When you have 8172 posts all in this thread....

My New Year's Resolution is...

Edd
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 8, 2007 04:43AM)
..to stand up straight when you're getting your photo taken.

What do you get if you cross Kyle with Harris?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 8, 2007 09:15AM)
An extremely sexy and handsome fellow who knows how to make people laugh. (see Harris... I have your back. hehehehe)

EDD: hehehehe Nice one

How can you get George to stand up straight?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 8, 2007 11:55AM)
Take away his props..

What did the prop comedian say to his chiropractor?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 8, 2007 02:14PM)
Don't worry about my back... just PROP me up over there.

What did the chicken say to the egg?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Dec 8, 2007 06:43PM)
"I'm going to have to draw a Moustache of Misdirection on your shell for the next trick!"


How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 8, 2007 08:54PM)
Danny: LMAO. Why did I know that one was coming. hehehe I may just have to use that line in my strolling shows. lol. I am sure that will go over great. hehehe

One. I just saw him working the home appliance aisle at K-Mart. He was changing the blue light special. The Blue Suede Shoes gave it away.

Why is Danny called "The Idiot"? =)
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 10, 2007 07:52AM)
The is his middle name...

Sort of like Smokey...

Who are "They"...as in They say...????
Message: Posted by: kimmo (Dec 10, 2007 04:21PM)
They say that we may never find out

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 10, 2007 06:04PM)
Yeah. He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

How can you gaurantee a standing ovation?
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Dec 16, 2007 01:13AM)
Perform the levitating milk bone over your dog's head.

Why do dogs hate magic?
Message: Posted by: Jerrine (Dec 16, 2007 01:45AM)
The levitating milk bone trick.

Magicians who live in glass houses should never________________.
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Dec 16, 2007 06:38PM)
Clothes.


Where did the Café go?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 16, 2007 06:48PM)
Into a cybertopit.

A gorilla walks into a a greengrocers with a crocodile under each arm......
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 16, 2007 09:10PM)
Grocer says, "The bananas are in aisle 5."
The Gorilla says, "No silly can't you see I'm looking for a CROCK pot."

What are the top 3 things magicians did while the Café was down?
Message: Posted by: Hagerman (Dec 16, 2007 09:20PM)
They pressed refresh, refresh, refresh...

When is it not polite to tell a knock knock joke?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 17, 2007 08:39AM)
When you're in the company of the homeless.

A man walks into a doctors with a haddock strapped to each knee......
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 17, 2007 09:02AM)
Doctor says.. "Heck, if you have a had-ache you should place them on your head". Oh I know that was bad. lol

What can you do when you have too much time on your hands?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 17, 2007 10:01AM)
Find a magician practicing watch steals.

What kind of load did Rudolph the magician produce?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 17, 2007 10:43AM)
I am not sure but it was rather smelly and it started to glow red. The elves decided to just leave it alone.

What was the name of Rudolph's twin brother?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 18, 2007 11:33AM)
Romulus, and together they brought the first Santa to Rome.

In the new year, I will defiantly not ________?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 18, 2007 02:28PM)
Post as many lame jokes to this thread. lol

I plan to use these great gag lines for.....?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 18, 2007 02:53PM)
I plan to use these great gag lines for my new job at the cracker factory.

Two Monks sitting in a hovercraft. One says to the other......
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 18, 2007 03:00PM)
"Hey this whole walking on water thing is a piece of cake"

2 Penguins sitting on a fence _____________________ ...
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 18, 2007 03:31PM)
2 penguins sitting on the fence. One turns and says to the other,
"I bet you £50 I can lay an egg so that it rolls down the side of the fence and lands in the snow completely unharmed"

The other one says "This is why you're always so skint, Bob"


Two polar bears in a dinghy........
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 18, 2007 05:32PM)
Two Polar Bears in a dingy. One says the the other, "Why do we wear fur coats?"
The other says, "Because the seals laughed at us when we wore parkas."

Two magicians stranded on an island...........
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 18, 2007 07:02PM)
..died of exposure.

Two parrots in a tree...
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 19, 2007 06:29AM)
One says, "Did you hear about the merger of Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler?"

The other says, " The New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker."

2 magicians sitting on a tree......
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 19, 2007 06:52AM)
2 magicians sitting on a tree both hiding coins in their hands. It was a palm tree.

The three little pigs are walking along the beach. The littlest pig finds a brass lantern in the sand. He picks it up, rubs it clean and a splendiforous genii appears.......
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Dec 19, 2007 07:08AM)
The pig says I'd like something foxy with nice long hair that can give a good blow...and that's how the whole fairy tale started. (be careful what you wish for)

So any way Derek is gluing his little brother Philip's face to a chair when all of a sudden Derek says...
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 19, 2007 10:16AM)
Derek says, "Using philosophy, prove to me that this chair does not exists and I will let you go."
Philip thinks about it and answers, "What chair?"
Derek says, "Ok smartypants, who should you call if this chair breaks?"
Philip answers, "A Chairman."
Now Philip knows why Derek glued his face to the chair. =)

Use the following in a funny joke. 1) a banana 2) a magician 3) a raincoat and 4) a magic convention.
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 19, 2007 12:15PM)
A banana walks into a magic convention loudly shouting ...who stole my rain coat..

Mac King says..Rain Coat..Schpain Coat..who didn't steal my material...

Why do magicians often use stolen material?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 19, 2007 01:52PM)
Because they need the extra time to buy more magic tricks they will never ever use.

Why was a banana wearing a rain coat?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 19, 2007 11:36PM)
He found it more appealing? (oh, vey, that's a bad one).

When the moon hits your eye _______________


Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 20, 2007 06:32AM)
...You better have REALLY good insurance. =)

Why were the Keebler elves hired to make cookies?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 20, 2007 09:44AM)
The did a great "Elves" imitation during the job interview.

"Elves" is now leaving the tree. Tis the season to make bad puns fa la la la la la la la la...Oy to the world good retail toward men..(and women and puppets)"
_____
What do you give an elf that has everthing?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 20, 2007 01:01PM)
A cookie that has nothing.

What did the worm say to the bird?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 21, 2007 01:20AM)
Haven't we done this joke already?

A dog walks into a school and says _______?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 21, 2007 06:28AM)
OUCH. Maybe I need glasses. =)

So there's a magician and Elvis sitting at a table ........
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 21, 2007 10:41AM)
Elvis said.."I thought you were dead".

What did the electric guitar say to the ace of clubs?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 21, 2007 01:08PM)
"Hey.. I think I may have played at your CLUB before." I know groan. lol

The top 3 reasons why anyone should become a magician are.....
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Dec 21, 2007 04:26PM)
Have cool friends, get free stuff, and can get rich as sh*t. Not very funny, but those are great reasons. How can I make this funny so I feel like I've donated...ummmm...a magician crosses a road and the bar man says ouch.

How can you tell the time with a lime?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 21, 2007 04:59PM)
I can't, so I phone the speaking clock with my banana.

Quasimodo walks into a bar.....
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Dec 21, 2007 05:33PM)
And says do you know me? The bartender says not quite, but your name rings a bell.


Why does magicgeorge look like Harpo Marx?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 21, 2007 05:48PM)
Because his mother loved the Marx Brothers.

What did the curly hair say to the straight hair?

Edd
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 22, 2007 10:19AM)
There's nothing wrong with being straight. (inspired by an old Seinfield episode)

Why is this thread moving up and down in this section of the Café?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 22, 2007 10:50AM)
Cause some of us just have No LIFE! lol

What do you give a magician who has everything?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 22, 2007 12:45PM)
Penicillin. If you're recycling your questions I'm recycling my answers.

What did Santa say when he trod on an elf?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 22, 2007 01:12PM)
Next time remember which jokes you already put up on the gag Tag thread. lol

why do reindeer fly?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 22, 2007 05:14PM)
It's too far to walk.

Why is Santa's sack so full?
Message: Posted by: ricker (Dec 22, 2007 05:39PM)
Because mrs claus is going through menopause.

what did the woman say to the hot flash?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 22, 2007 05:52PM)
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!

What did the snowman say to the tree...
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 23, 2007 07:20AM)
Tree: If you take a set up from column A and a punchline from column b and randomly match them up, you'd be surprised how often it works.
Snowman: Oh, so that's how you do modern humor?

When is a mathematician like a shoe?

Edd
Message: Posted by: CurtWaltermire (Dec 23, 2007 07:33AM)
Anyone here know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 23, 2007 09:25AM)
Edd: They both seem to have tongues but they are boring to talk to. =)
Curt: There is a difference!?

2 prisoners are plotting to escape. One says to the other.....
Message: Posted by: Dan Paulus (Dec 23, 2007 12:49PM)
Not right now, I'm playing Gag Tag.

[quote] Why is Santa's sack so full?
Because mrs claus is going through menopause. [/quote]
Ya Baby! Funny stuff ricker

How do you know if Santa's raided your frig?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 23, 2007 10:36PM)
White hairs in the butter.

A couple of Cats end up in divorce court she says about him "_________!"

Edd
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Dec 25, 2007 10:20PM)
A couple of Cats end up in divorce court she says about him "meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow....meow meow meow MEOW!"

The pope walks into a bar narrowly missing it and knocks his rather large hat off...
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 26, 2007 07:53AM)
The pope walks into a bar narrowly missing it and knocks his rather large hat off(The pope mutters "I wish my hat was unfallable") whereupon it is set upon by a large lion (who happened to be in the bar for a completely different joke). The lion eats the hat.
The Pope starts jumping up and down crying "I want my hat".
The barman say "here have this bowler"
The pope says "Where's the point in that?"

A penguin walks into a chocolate bar......
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 26, 2007 08:18AM)
Bartender looks at the penguin and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Santa gets home from his long Christmas Eve flight and the first thing he says when he gets in he door is......
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 26, 2007 10:52AM)
Where is that Garmin 800 #.

Magician ask's his spouse, can I buy an new illusion?

answer...
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 26, 2007 11:52AM)
Wife says, "sure as long as you give me your credit card and 2 days at Pay Less Shoe Store." =)

Why do women need so many pairs of shoes?.....
Message: Posted by: One Man (Dec 26, 2007 12:34PM)
So men will look someplace other than their chest.


How do you know your Thumb Tip needs replacing?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 26, 2007 01:16PM)
When you start calling it Timmy the Thumb Tip and start paying more attention to it then your wife.

Where is the first place you should look if you misplace your TT?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Dec 26, 2007 08:39PM)
:: unzips fly ::

Whatdo you do if your TT is not in your crotch region? In other words, where should you look if your TT is not near your PP?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 26, 2007 09:30PM)
Bend Over

Explain what the meaning of life is to a magician....
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 27, 2007 09:09AM)
From a Magician...Buying the latest effect...

To a Magician...Snatch the sponge ball from my hand...then grasshopper you have found Balance....Step away from the mirror. ..Step away from the....


What did the newly wed say to their magician spouse?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 27, 2007 10:49AM)
Honey this box is our new queen size bed. The swords are just for the curtains. Seriosuly. I promise. It is SOOOO comfortable. Why don't you try it out. =)

When should you stop listening to a magician?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 27, 2007 01:30PM)
Pardon?

What's black and white and headbutts freezers?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 27, 2007 01:51PM)
Michael Jackson looking for a blowpop. Ok that was bad. lol

What should a good magician do to prevent boredom?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Dec 27, 2007 04:31PM)
Post on the Gag Tag topic on the Magic Café.

How do magicians with no arms perform sleight of hand?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 27, 2007 10:26PM)
They don't. They just sit around and complain to others how they COULD do it better.

What was the name they were going to use before they started calling us all magicians?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 30, 2007 02:36PM)
Propmonkeys (and if you find that offensive just be glad I didn't write the answer my girlfriend gave when I asked her the same question!)

What does a Zebra do on New Year's Eve?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Dec 30, 2007 06:29PM)
Hangs out with all his other black and white homies.

What was the blind magicians New Year's resolution?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 30, 2007 06:56PM)
To stay blind. That way he still wouldn't have to watch any more bad magic. (grin)

What SHOULD be the top 3 new years resolutions for ANY magician for 2008?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 30, 2007 07:37PM)
1)Stop eating trees,
2)Never again feed your underpants to a baboon.
3)To stop cheating at gag tag with mindless surrealism.

What is Kyle doing with his left hand?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Dec 30, 2007 09:44PM)
He's sewing a button on really quickly that popped off when he dropped his balls.

How many magicians can you get into a washing machine?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Dec 30, 2007 10:01PM)
None - they keep escaping.


How can you tell if a magician is dating your daughter?
Message: Posted by: One Man (Dec 30, 2007 10:58PM)
The refrigerator is empty and your dog is pregnant.

Why don't mimes talk?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Dec 31, 2007 12:55AM)
Because if they did, they would make more money and that would mess with their "starving artist" attitudes.

Two fireworks are sitting in box next to each other on New Years Eve, one turns to the other and says?

Edd
Message: Posted by: ricker (Dec 31, 2007 12:59AM)
Blow me, please...

What did the magician say to the blowup doll?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Dec 31, 2007 07:55AM)
Let's have a hot date... I'll stick you next to the heater.

Why is George addicted to his hat?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Dec 31, 2007 10:43AM)
Because his hair looks like a bunny and it feels like home.

Why am I addicted to drugs? (just kidding)
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 31, 2007 10:52AM)
The same answer to how do you tell a male chromosome from a female one...

It's in the Jeans...

How can you tell a magician is addicted to buying new props?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 31, 2007 11:09AM)
He has a pulse.

What do you get if you cross a ventriloquist with an elephant?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Dec 31, 2007 11:36AM)
A ventriphant.

What should be every magician's New years resolution?
Message: Posted by: harris (Dec 31, 2007 01:24PM)
To not copy other magician's resolutions.

What did the M.C. say to act that went on too long?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 31, 2007 11:28PM)
Thank you Mr Dodd.

Where's Nicholas J. Johnson when you need him?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 1, 2008 08:02AM)
Thinking up more jokes for the gag tag.

What is a good caption for George's avatar pictue?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 1, 2008 10:31AM)
I used to be a pilot....

Why is Kyle's jacket red?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 1, 2008 04:16PM)
Because he ran out of Magic Magazines... (red/read... oy!)

A hillbilly gets a new banjo for Christmas and he exclaims ___________________!

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 1, 2008 04:58PM)
WAHOOO Now I can use all my favorite banjo jokes like...
- What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool…
- What is the best way to tune a banjo... with wirecutters =)

Why is Edd a Wizard of Sorts?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 1, 2008 08:33PM)
Because he's sort of a wizard?

Why does Kyle like holding balls? Hehehehehe. If I didn't know ya, I wouldn't be able to get away with it....
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 1, 2008 09:58PM)
Because he's too old to have his balls drop.

What's the difference between a mentalist and a mind reader?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 1, 2008 10:38PM)
:: OH OUCH Thanks guys hehehe ::

The difference between a Mentalist and a Mind Reader...... About 150 dollars.

What is Robert (Magic Enhancer) REALLY trying to enhance?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 2, 2008 09:27AM)
To enhance and enchant his audiences. (Sewious)

Siwly...To enhance Harris' receeding hairline...said Nigel the Puppet that rocks...

Where did the ferret hide Harris' harmonica?

another aside...video of Harris playing harp at a Visitation/Funeral..a serious side of this nearly normal performer...

http://www.myfoxkc.com/myfox/MyFox/pages/sidebar_video.jsp?contentId=5342500&version=1&locale=EN-US

(click on the play button below video picture)

Harris
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 2, 2008 09:53AM)
The ferret hid the harmonica under his tail. If you can't find it, just feed him greasy Mexican food (a la Taco Bell)

Very nice performance by the way Harris. Sounds like she was a great woman.

The newest instrument that will be invented is the.......?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 2, 2008 10:17AM)
Aside (among the nearly normal pets we used to have a ferret..His trick was to on command take shiny objects to his house..which cost more than my first car)

Washboard tie..(oh that has been invented...)

Playing card...(yes that too)

Musical Dove...(hope it is a string not a wind instrument...)

How did the magician fool himself?

(thanks for checking out my harpin.I checked out your site that's where I came up with the Enhancing your audiences in ''tri state area."

..harris "lips" deutsch
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 2, 2008 07:05PM)
How did the Magician fool himself..... by actually thinking he was any good.

What is the one prop a magician simply can not live without?
Message: Posted by: Professor Piper (Jan 3, 2008 12:30AM)
A check for the rent.

Why don't mentalists play the Lottery?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 3, 2008 05:30AM)
THey would if they could hide a printer under their thumbnail.

Why don't magicians play blackjack?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 3, 2008 06:31AM)
Cause Jack doesn't like it.

Why do magician's use funny poses with their hands to do their magic?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 3, 2008 06:48AM)
Because it would look weird if they did them with their feet.

What's pink and sounds like a dog?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 3, 2008 08:12AM)
My dyed, rabbid rabbit!

WHat did one dove say to the other?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 3, 2008 09:22AM)
One Magician in the "corner pocket".

What did the dove say to the magician?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 3, 2008 11:42AM)
"Do that to me again and your car gets it!"

Why is the line at the post office so long?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 3, 2008 01:24PM)
Because walking to your house takes way too long Edd.

What did the sponge ball say to the other?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 3, 2008 04:43PM)
Cough.

Why did the magician put a spongeball in his mouth?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 3, 2008 07:10PM)
Because where he wanted to put it wouldn't have been appropriate.

The top 3 best things to do with a heckler?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 3, 2008 07:15PM)
Chop, season and cook on gas mark 4.

What's the difference between James Randi and a pot of mustard?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 3, 2008 07:24PM)
The spoon in the mustard is the only spoon not bent.

What is the difference between David Blaine and Hillary Clinton?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 3, 2008 07:33PM)
Hillary Clinton has actually performed several magic tricks.

The best part of January is?

Edd
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 4, 2008 08:14AM)
U or Y

What puts Edd out of sorts?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 4, 2008 09:57PM)
His yearly sort out.

What puts Harris out of shorts?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 5, 2008 11:38PM)
His yearly performance at the "Sun bathers club."

If a magician were elected president, his first action would be?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 6, 2008 08:27PM)
To start a post about it on the Café.

What's the best thing to feed a baby rhino?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 7, 2008 09:03AM)
A bad magician.

What did the magician say to the spectator after he accidentally slammed his hand onto a spike during the Smash & Stab?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 7, 2008 11:50AM)
AFLACK


What was Harris' opening effect at the New Reformed Temple. (after Friday Night Shul and the traditional Chinese Buffet)?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 7, 2008 11:03PM)
Temple Screen? Temple of Baneras? Coin Star of David? Multiplying menorah? (I could go on...)

A clown car gets into an accident. The police arrive and the officer exclaims ___________!

Edd
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 8, 2008 10:17AM)
Send out the Clowns...

Where does the Clown clean his Clothes?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 8, 2008 01:00PM)
In Tide.. cause it is much to cold Out Tide.

Why does a juggler always steal the show at a magic convention?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 9, 2008 08:25AM)
Because their the only ones that can get away with a balls up.

(geez, that was weak)

What did the DVD say to the VHS player?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 9, 2008 07:32PM)
What does VHS stand for... Very Hard to Sell?

What are the top 3 things you should do at a magic convention?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 9, 2008 10:00PM)
1. Make a planned to be booked at a gig that weekend next year.

2. Go prank the Trekkie convention.

3. Learn a new trick, because God knows we each need to know more tricks!

The writers strike will end when ____________ promises to never _____________ again.
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 10, 2008 01:17PM)
AMPTP/PPDMBA

What's the difference between a helium filled cow and Alfred Hitchcock?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 10, 2008 02:11PM)
The Profile and one does not make cameo appearances in their films.

Why did the puppet say the cow was for the Birds?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 10, 2008 03:12PM)
Because he figured the cow was eating like a bird when he realized he as using Low COW dressing.

(ok ok that was a bit of a stretch... yet still funny. hehe)

Why did the cow stare at the scarecrow?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 10, 2008 04:52PM)
He was contemplating the human condition.

Sam Kinison, Lenny Bruce, and Richard Pryor walk into an afterlife bar...

Edd
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 11, 2008 11:18AM)
Ok, well I guess my 12 hours are up. What happen, those names scare everyone?

So here is my answer to my own gag.

...and the bartender says, "Welcome to Salt Lake City."

New gag:
Apples next product release will be?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 11, 2008 11:41AM)
Ok Edd I guess I am really dumb here but I did not get the Salt Lake City line? hehehe Must just be me lol

Apples next product release will be the iCrate. It doesn't do anything but is a nice plastic bin to throw all your other outdated Apple products in. It will cost them $2 to make but will sell for only $299.99.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away.... what does a pineapple do?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 11, 2008 01:36PM)
Kyle, none of their material would play in Salt Lake City so they must truly be in Hell.

Answer to Kyle's gag:
Keep Pine trees away.

If doctor's are afraid of apples what are worms afraid of?

Edd
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Jan 11, 2008 03:10PM)
Birds of course.

Why did the mouse trap have a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 11, 2008 03:35PM)
Edd: Having never been to salt lake.. I will take your word for that. Remind me not to book a show there anytime soon hehehe

The mice were seeing just how many of them it took to screw it in. =)

Why didn't Old Mother Hubbard by any groceries?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 11, 2008 05:31PM)
She was too busy getting Rover's bone? (Get your mind outof the gutter!)

What did Old Mother Hubbard like best about Rover's bone?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 13, 2008 09:01AM)
It's meaty flavor. (ooooooo, noooo you didn't!)

What's green, black, and has 17 pages of bad jokes?

Edd
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Jan 13, 2008 03:03PM)
The gag tag thread.

What is the difference between a wizard and magician?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 13, 2008 03:26PM)
A white beard and $150.00.

What is the difference between good and bad magic?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 13, 2008 05:54PM)
A sacraficial goat and 6 candles.

Why do fools fall in love?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 13, 2008 07:02PM)
Because they tried skipping in love and that just didn't work.

how can you tell if you're gag tag line is funny?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 14, 2008 11:31AM)
You hear the cyber audience laughing..

What do you get when you cross a ventriloquist with a tap dancer?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 14, 2008 12:04PM)
A dummy who makes his feet talk.

What do you get when you cross a magician with a politician?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 14, 2008 12:32PM)
A master of misdirection.

What do you get if you cross a field with a tractor?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 14, 2008 12:47PM)
A quick job but a wonky X.

How do you know when your parrot is lying?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 14, 2008 01:08PM)
Pollygraph.

How do you know if a smurf has eaten your toothpaste?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 14, 2008 01:28PM)
It's all smucked up.

Why don't people squeeze from the bottom of the tube of toothpaste?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 14, 2008 03:22PM)
Because some how squeezing anyones BOTTOM seems a little gross.

How can you tell if a Magician lives in your neighborhood?
Message: Posted by: sean_mh (Jan 14, 2008 05:00PM)
Your newspaper is Torn and Restored every morning.

Why did the magician cross the stage?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 14, 2008 05:45PM)
To obviously get his paycheck. Otherwise he would have stayed put. =)

How does a magician eat a donut?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 14, 2008 05:47PM)
Using the policeman Axtell Puppet.

What did the magician order off of the menu?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Jan 14, 2008 08:24PM)
French drop onion soup.

What is a magician's favorite restaurant?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 15, 2008 02:37PM)
Long John Silver Scepter's (groan)

What is the one thing every magician should never leave home without?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 15, 2008 04:31PM)
Deoderant?

Why is Kyle so awesome?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 16, 2008 09:56PM)
I think reply 500 killed the thread. It was more then it could handle.

Pleas submit your (comedy)eulogy for the Gag Tag thread.

My eulogy will be coming, I have to reflect on the life of Gag Tag before I can write.

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 16, 2008 10:36PM)
So um Edd are you saying I am not awesome or people just can not limit themselves to just 1 answer? lol

answer: why is Kyle so awesome..... 8000+ posts says he is. hehehe

If a mime were forced to talk.. what is the first thing he would say?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 17, 2008 06:30AM)
Could someone let me out of this !@#$%^& invisible box.

Give a sentence with the word eulogy in it.
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 17, 2008 07:35AM)
My grandfather had a background in studying elephant urine. His study in eulogy really helped us when we got stung by a jellyfish....

What did the gerbil say to the hamster?
Message: Posted by: sean_mh (Jan 17, 2008 08:51AM)
Oil your &^$^$#@$%# wheel!

What does a magician have for breakfast?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 17, 2008 10:36AM)
Toast by Rodger Lovins, Cereal Killer by Nick Lakin, and a milk pitcher. And, to season, some woofle dust and slush powder.

What did the magician have for dinner?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 17, 2008 01:25PM)
A Topsy Turvy Bottle of Wine. A Sponge cake served in a flaming dove pan. And for a main course he had some really crazy meal consisting of an orange, lemon, egg and a canary.

Why do magicians like to wear black?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 18, 2008 04:42PM)
They are in mourning for their lost sense of humour.


Why do Matt Colman's lightbulbs keep popping out?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 19, 2008 08:33AM)
Because they're full of milk.

What did the cheap magician get for Christmas?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 12:55PM)
Gag Tag in manuscript form. "Gag Tag - the bedroom magicians guide to entertaining the mirror, and the mirror alone."

My dog's got no dictionary. How does he spell?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 12:57PM)
Terrible.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 12:58PM)
Dung.

A blind man walks into a fishmongers and says...
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:03PM)
Hello Ladies!


Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:08PM)
Cause if they danced on there heads they'd be break dancers.

What looks and smells like oxygen but is actually invisible?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:09PM)
Oxygen.


What's blue and doesn't fit?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:10PM)
A suffocating man being forced into a jam jar.

How many monkeys can you get in a bus?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:13PM)
3 in the subtrunk and two in a dove pan.


What do you call a man with a penguin on his head?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:15PM)
Under the "Wetter"!!

How many penguins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:17PM)
2 would be efishent but it's gotta be good for 6 months.

What do you get if you cross a lightbulb with a horse?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:18PM)
A Clydesdale that drinks bud light.

Where does fruit go to sweat?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:19PM)
A saunana or a humplum (Vegetables obviously go to Swedeish Baths).

Where do aubergines go on holiday?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:20PM)
To the egg plant.

What sound does an explosive monkey make?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 01:21PM)
"Hello dear,I'm Michael Winner"

What's pink and blue and hides in cabbage patches?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 01:22PM)
A cold flamingo.


How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 02:17PM)
Get your fairy godmother to coach the cracks out.

What did the sparrow say to the teabag?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 19, 2008 02:41PM)
"If I'm going to be the early bird I'd rather have a coffee"

Why are bananas bent?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 19, 2008 02:47PM)
Same place Harpo keeps his cutlery.

What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a sideboard?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 20, 2008 11:00AM)
A snappy dresser.

What do you call a Clysdale that drinks bud light?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 21, 2008 12:28PM)
What is a Clysdale?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 21, 2008 12:38PM)
A racing horse.

If it drink bud Light, then it is a racing horse who drinks crappy beer.

What is a magician's favorite beer?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 21, 2008 12:48PM)
Anyone that you can get a quarter into.

What is a magician's favorite food?
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 21, 2008 01:22PM)
Stew and Dumplings.

What did the magician do to the magician with what magicians prop down at the magician's magic shop, whilst some magicians watched?
Message: Posted by: THEGUY26 (Will Swanson) (Jan 21, 2008 01:35PM)
He did a lecture on the wand twirl.

What happens if you eat flash paper followed by rubber cement?
Message: Posted by: sean_mh (Jan 21, 2008 03:09PM)
You bounce back in a flash and stick the landing!

What did the close-up artist say to the stage magician?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 21, 2008 11:43PM)
Your's is so much bigger than mine.

Why do magicians seem to be only able to write jokes about magicians?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 22, 2008 12:20PM)
Because do we really have any other life outside of magic?

What is the one thing you can do to guarentee a standing ovation?
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 22, 2008 03:03PM)
A stand for your guitar.(Ovation that is)

What do you call a 5 string guitar?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 22, 2008 11:46PM)
The forgotten child of a guitar and a banjo, it's name, the Guitanjo.

If Harris ran the DMV the first day he would ________?

Edd
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 23, 2008 07:41AM)
Change his drivers license picture so it looked like he had hair?? (lol..sorry bud)

If Magic Enhancer ran the DMV the first day, he would ___________? (Hopefully you can get back to me in time Harris!)
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 23, 2008 09:17AM)
Have Harris step away from the nose clippers..(where his hair magically moved to..along with his back...)

Why did the bird watcher wear windshield wiper sunglasses?

Harris
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Jan 23, 2008 03:11PM)
To protect his eyes from bird poop.

Why did the magician leave gag tag?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 23, 2008 03:25PM)
Cause his wife kept telling him to stop wasting time and do something constructive.

What was the second choice on the list before they decided a top hat was to be the symbol for a magician?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 23, 2008 07:17PM)
A welfare check.

"I thought the magician was going to pull a rabbit out of the hat, but instead he pulled out a ______________!"
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Jan 23, 2008 07:43PM)
Hair/hare and much hilarity ensued...

A magician, a ventriloquist and a polar bear walk into a bar...
Message: Posted by: Corona Smith (Jan 23, 2008 08:00PM)
....and the Barman says, "I thought you were all extinct".


Doctor Doctor, I've lost my sense of humour!
Message: Posted by: harris (Jan 24, 2008 07:28AM)
Try taking YOURSELF...lightly of course...said the doctor..(without moving his lips)

When you are pointing a finger at someone..you _________ ______ _______ _____ ___ _____.
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 24, 2008 10:24AM)
MUST BE POINTING THE MIDDLE ONE!

Why don't puppets have 5 finger?
Message: Posted by: Tom Stevens (Jan 24, 2008 08:05PM)
Because Vernet broke into the assembling factory.

Why did the Magician cross the road?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Jan 25, 2008 12:32AM)
To get away from magic themed gags.

Benny Hill, Peter Sellers, and Henny Youngman walk into a psychologist's office...
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Jan 25, 2008 05:19PM)
And say, "what's up Doc?"


What did the parapsychologist say to the psychologist?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Jan 25, 2008 05:23PM)
I haven't a ghost of an idea.

What magic words does a ghost use?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 25, 2008 05:37PM)
Holy Hank Stain!

What magic words starts with the letter RU?
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 25, 2008 11:39PM)
"RU Awake?"

A clown, a magician, and an accountant walk into a bar and the bartender says...
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 26, 2008 07:48AM)
Look, three people who juggle! (balls, career and numbers)

After the bartender made his statement, a barmaid said to the magician.....???
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Jan 26, 2008 04:10PM)
Don't tell me, just "Think a drink" (sorry, couldn't resist)

The accountant then said.........
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 26, 2008 06:11PM)
One scotch & soda for my magician friend, one S*x On the Beach for my clown friend, and just a glass of water for me...Oh and can I get a receipt?

How many mentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 26, 2008 06:23PM)
- several to ponder if the lightbulb really even exists in the first place
- 4 more to see if by chance can they really do a center tear with a light bulb
- 10 to debate whatever method anyone really ends up using
- 20 to yell and scream that the changing of the lighbulb trick was there original idea
- 2 to argue with the 20 above saying that can not be true cause they ate dinner with Vernon and dai clearly had a move for the lightbulb
- 30 to not say a word but immediately rush home, drop a lightbulb in a box, make cheesy packaging and be the first to send their ad in to MAGIC magazine.
- 50 to immediately start a blog online about various methods for changing the bulb
- 30 to complain that trying to read the bulbs mind is extra diffcult because is the bulb really alive
- 1 to finally, finally realize all this is ridiculous and get up and actually change the darn thing. =)

How do you know if you have been doing magic way too long?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 26, 2008 07:41PM)
YOu start using thumbtips as real fingers.....

Where did the magician find his missing thumbtip?
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 26, 2008 09:27PM)
On his thumb. It was there all along!!

What did the proctologist say to the magician?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 27, 2008 09:46AM)
Do you know you already have a fake thumb stuck up there. (ok ok gross but funny. lol)

Name 3 magic words that just never caught on.
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 27, 2008 10:16AM)
Pocus Hocus, Cadabra-abra, and Ba-Da-Bing

Why did the magician want to get insurance on his rabbit?
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 27, 2008 11:51AM)
I suggest we end it here before you all get no work this season :P
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 27, 2008 04:40PM)
Because he lived in New Jersey, the nanny state, and it was required by law!!

What happened when the magician tried to stop Gag Tag on Magic Café?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 27, 2008 05:11PM)
Duct tape, cement shoes and a river near by. The guy just vanished. Was a pretty decent trick. His patter could have been better then, "NOOOO NOOOOO OH GOD PLEASE DON'T!"

What is the number 1 topic we will talk about when we are old and sitting on rocking chairs at the old magicians home?
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 27, 2008 06:28PM)
The topic will be: What ever happened to good wholesome magicians like Chris Angel?

Why did David Copperfield cross the road?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 27, 2008 06:55PM)
To get away from his kids and alimony payments. lol (ok that was wrong to lol)

PS: Richads.. loved your response hehehe

Please list the top 3 names no magician should ever think of using.
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 28, 2008 01:51PM)
Dork The Great
Nerdini
Harry Geekstone

What did the duck say to the magician?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 28, 2008 06:38PM)
Thank God I don't fit in the harness...

Why doesn't Matt Colman like Gag Tag?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Jan 28, 2008 06:48PM)
Because he is secretly writing them all down and will release the new DVD next month. =) Just teasing ya Matt =)

Why should we all send Rob a PM congratulating him on his recent engagement to his Girlfriend?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 28, 2008 06:54PM)
Awww....thanks Kyle- Here is the video:

http://www.celebritydumpster.com/view.html?id=45290

You should send me a PM because, well, ummmm, I don't know. But the video is there? I guess the next person should answer it.
Message: Posted by: richards (Jan 28, 2008 09:42PM)
Because we will all get free track voice announcements in return. I guess congratulations are in order.

What are the chances that Robert Haas was also a Dancing Elf this Christmas?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Jan 28, 2008 10:49PM)
Another one I can't answer....bah!
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 1, 2008 07:25AM)
I don't know, we should take a pole, but then how would Santa find his house?

What's the best number of ducks to put into a sandwich?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Feb 2, 2008 09:12AM)
I've never had ducks in a sandwich, I always eat my Quackers with cheese.

If the moon were made out of cheese.....


Edd
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 8, 2008 01:11PM)
...mice would build rocketships.

What is black and white and smells of vinegar?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Feb 8, 2008 01:49PM)
A Zebra salad.

How many light bulbs can be floated by one magician?
Message: Posted by: Comet (Feb 8, 2008 10:50PM)
None. He needs three other magicians to tell him he's doing it wrong and two assistants to make sure he gets it right by showtime!


Give a Magician enough (blank) and he'll (blank) with it.
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 8, 2008 10:57PM)
Rope/bore you to death

What's pink in the middle and pink on the outside?
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 10, 2008 11:52AM)
A Taco

Why is a Taco cheap?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 10, 2008 12:01PM)
They are cheap because they are so ugly. They are so ugly that you just have to run for the border. It's so cheap because there other idea was fire alarms. They figured they could save money by taping Jiffy Pop to the ceiling.

Why does Doug look like Geppetto? (sorry Doug.. I say it out of love) =)
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 10, 2008 04:25PM)
To attract Kyle, apparently! (However, if any of Doug's creations start wishing on stars we're in big trouble)

How do you stop Kyle from bouncing on his bed?
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 10, 2008 04:41PM)
Put alligators on the ceiling.

How does Belfast differ from Anaheim?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 10, 2008 08:12PM)
Belfats has some crazy guy named george wearing crazy hats and scaring all the children. =)

How do you get George's hat away from him?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Feb 11, 2008 07:43AM)
Tell him he's no longer a WWII pilot.

Why is Kyle holding 4 balls?

Robert Haas
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 11, 2008 07:53AM)
He figures it's better to have 4 too many than none at all.

What is the best way to skin a Beaver.
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 11, 2008 09:07AM)
Sandpaper bicycle seats.

How long will it be before my answer is deleted?
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 11, 2008 12:50PM)
Haha...doesn't matter. Some read it already and it will live forever.

How do you remove a LARGE steel spike from your forehead?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Feb 11, 2008 06:26PM)
(George, I don't know but its the first time I've laughed on this thread in a while.)

Use a bigger magnet.

What was the name of George's childhood bicycle?

Edd
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 11, 2008 07:21PM)
Beaver remover 2000 lol

Why did Edd decide to add the extra D and what does it stand for?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Feb 12, 2008 08:08AM)
The extra D is the Dam where the Beaver lives.

When I say "chocolate starfish" you think of _________________. (This will probably get deleted along with George's!)

Robert Haas
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 12, 2008 10:16AM)
A very disapointed woman on valentines day.

Why did Mr. Higley change his name to oug?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 12, 2008 10:51AM)
Cause Edd stole his "D". Shame on you Edd. =)

How did Harris get the name Harris if he has no hair? (sorry Harris you know I like ya bro) hehehe
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 12, 2008 11:15AM)
Somebody did a bobo switch with the "L" and the "E"...

it should have been Harless! from Nigel the puppet that rocks and talks..and steals hair jokes from the old dick van dyke show...and other places...

(as my freind Beth says...if you don't laugh at yourself..someone will beat you to it.....My hair line and nose are very easy for even me to draw a caricature...)


Harris.....

: )
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 12, 2008 08:36PM)
If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at somebody else. (Bobby Slayton)

Why is this becoming the dumbest thread in the Café?

However by moving a couple of words around in this Harris comment:

"and steals hair jokes from the old dick van dyke show...and other places..."

it can be saved.

How does the 8 Ball hold ALL the Answers?!
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 13, 2008 07:26AM)
Perhaps!

What are the 2 words in Harris' comment that should be moved around?
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Feb 13, 2008 07:57AM)
I refuse to answer except to say it's more than 2 that when shuffled!


Repating: How does the 8 Ball hold ALL the Answers?!
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 13, 2008 08:07AM)
It doesn't but those who are addicted to cocaine think so.

What is the perfect valentine gift for Simon on American Idol?
Message: Posted by: honus (Feb 13, 2008 12:15PM)
Paula Abdul, wearing nothing but a big pink bow.

What is the perfect valentine gift for Paula Abdul on American Idol?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 13, 2008 02:42PM)
Simon with all his clothes still ON!

What do you get for a magician who has everything?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Feb 13, 2008 07:41PM)
A GhostShelf?

If the magician who has everything already bought a GhostShelf from Magic Enhancer (plug plug) what else would you get him (or her)?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 14, 2008 06:46AM)
A spirit level.

What's the difference between Hilary Clinton and a helicopter?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 14, 2008 09:55AM)
A helicopter actually gets off the ground.

What's the difference between a good magician and a bad one?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 14, 2008 10:31AM)
The Atlantic.

What's the difference between Oprah Winfrey and a duck pond?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 14, 2008 11:19AM)
Duck pond's don't try to sell you books.

Why did the duck go to the library?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 14, 2008 03:47PM)
He had a bill to pay.

Why did he rabbit refuse to get in the hat?
Message: Posted by: honus (Feb 14, 2008 09:00PM)
He was afraid it would mess up his hare.

Why do magicians pull rabbits from hats?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Feb 15, 2008 01:11AM)
Because depending on where you have the body load, it's movement may cause you to get arrested.


What do you call a 98 lb. bunny with blue eyes?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 15, 2008 07:44AM)
Anorexic.

Why did the Ventriloquist go mad?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 15, 2008 08:29PM)
Too many people kept calling him a dummy.

What did the magician do without duct tape?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Feb 16, 2008 08:19AM)
Used rubber cement.

What did the magician do when the young kid called him a McChicken, rather than a magician?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 16, 2008 11:16AM)
1. Laid an egg
2. Checked his cholesterol
3. Checked with his lawyer for copyright infringement
4. Clucked
5. Did the egg bag


What effect is the magicians with OCD favorite?
Message: Posted by: honus (Feb 18, 2008 08:52PM)
The six card repeat.

(Two days, and no posts? Is everybody on vacation? That's not my riddle, this is:)

Is Harris really Deutsch?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 19, 2008 12:06PM)
I thought he was a ventmeister, said Nigel, one who rocks and talks.

aside from Harris..part German, Ukraine/Russian, British, and dachshund.

What did the Beagle say after winning the "big show"?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 19, 2008 01:18PM)
I'm going to Disneyworld!!

What did the magician say after his show for 200 screaming 4 year olds?
Message: Posted by: honus (Feb 19, 2008 01:59PM)
He said, "Sorry, Mrs. Osmond, but this is the last time I work your family reunion."

What trick did George W. Bush ask Criss Angel to do at his "end-of-term-as-President" party?
Message: Posted by: richards (Feb 20, 2008 10:12PM)
Go back into the past and make it so that a Rookie Senator would beat Hillary Clinton for the Democrat Nomination. Wow...that Chris Angel can really do the impossible!

How many fans does it take to blow David Copperfeild's hair?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Feb 21, 2008 05:31AM)
I don't know. I'm just glad you said "hair" or he might've got into more trouble.

How do you get a polar bear out of a sub trunk?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 21, 2008 02:08PM)
Wait till he is finished eating his sandwhich.

How many first ladies/men does it take to change a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Feb 21, 2008 03:14PM)
Bring it back to the surface, open the hatch and say "Get out"

"What I am about to show you now is just amazing. People say........."
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 25, 2008 01:58PM)
Wow that really is amazing but please put your pants back on. hehehe ok that was just wrong but the only thing that came to my warped mind just now. lol

What was Eric's second choice for objects to float in his avatar?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 27, 2008 09:04AM)
His A.R.M.

Does this mortgage rate make my thighs look too big?
Message: Posted by: richards (Feb 27, 2008 09:46PM)
Yes...go sue your realtor!

Before coins, magicians pulled ________ out of ears.
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Feb 27, 2008 10:41PM)
Potatoes.

How many misers does it take to dream?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Feb 28, 2008 08:21AM)
A handfull

How many professors does it take to make a nightmare?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 28, 2008 09:50AM)
One and hundreds to market it under another name.

Why is Bryan Richard's burning books? (by the way...saw on your site you have a great library show..)
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 28, 2008 09:54AM)
Because he knows his act is really HOT!

Why does Harris have his mouth open that wide in his avatar?
Message: Posted by: wizardofsorts (Feb 28, 2008 11:05PM)
To better fit the potatoes for the "Repeat potatoes from mouth" trick.

Why don't you see house cats in magic shows?

Edd
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 29, 2008 08:51AM)
They prefer to stay at home.

Why did the cat run into the glass window of the sliding glass door?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Feb 29, 2008 09:38AM)
Who cares, but it was funny!

When left alone in the house, what do cats do?
Message: Posted by: harris (Feb 29, 2008 10:05AM)
1. Wonder where did my people go.
2. Run into glass in sliding glass doors
3. Play with the wonder mouse
4. Play with Rocky left out by the forgetful puppeteer
5. Sleep
6. Sleep
7. Sleep


How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Feb 29, 2008 10:24AM)
Way too many as they don't have opposable thumbs. =)

How many magicians does it take to create a comedy act?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Feb 29, 2008 01:10PM)
Just one, and the rest to steal it and say they can do it better, etc.

If it takes a magician a day and a half to cut a lady in half, how many days will it take three magicians to cut the mustard?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 1, 2008 11:57AM)
I don't know, but I am guessing much sooner if it is on a chili dog.

What was the most requested song at the Democratic National Convention?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 1, 2008 02:58PM)
Who Let The Dogs Out! hehehe

What should you do in a show if you can't cut the mustard but realize you have to cut the cheese instead?
Message: Posted by: richards (Mar 1, 2008 08:59PM)
Cut the cheese! You are guaranteed to "Bring Down The House."

Why is the sky really blue?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 1, 2008 09:37PM)
Because people couldn't spell Fuscha.

What would magicians do if there were no magic or magicians?
Message: Posted by: trickytrav (Mar 2, 2008 09:35AM)
Vanish




why did the magician cross the road?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 2, 2008 09:54AM)
Cause the magic auction was on the other side.

What is the number one thing seen at every magic auction?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 2, 2008 03:53PM)
A yawn

What's the difference between Kyle and a roast chicken?
Message: Posted by: richards (Mar 2, 2008 06:19PM)
The roasted chicken can't do multiplying billiard balls.

What is under MagicGeorge's hat?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 2, 2008 06:30PM)
A very handsome face.

How do you know if there's a crocodile in your bathroom?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 2, 2008 06:50PM)
No fair.. FOUL.. FOUL.. Penalty. Not allowed to answer a previous post that is about you. 15 lashes with a wet noodle. hehehe Riohards: Thanks buds for being kind. I still am training that chicken to learn to Billiard balls.

How can you tell if there is a croc in your bathroom?
He uses way too much toothpaste and forgets to put the cap back on.

Now what is REALLY under Magic George's hat.
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 2, 2008 06:53PM)
A REALLY handsome face.

Ha ha, I did it again. I just enjoy the noodle lashings.

Go on then. What is under my hat?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 2, 2008 07:44PM)
The label

What makes it a handsome face> (NOW you can answer.)
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 2, 2008 07:48PM)
He "hands some" people money to say he looks good in his hat. =)

Why do I love the color red?
Message: Posted by: Danny The Idiot (Mar 3, 2008 03:06AM)
Because it was Freddy Mercury's favourite too!

What's a magician's favourite band?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 3, 2008 07:38AM)
PK wedding band.

How many dentists does it take to screw in a fish finger?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 3, 2008 07:48AM)
Depends on what type of insurance you have.

Will you still love me when I'm 64?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 3, 2008 08:10AM)
What do you mean "when"?

(Sorry Harris, I think I've completely failed Tim's 31 day thing already)

What's blue and mean?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 3, 2008 08:20AM)
(aside to George...my waist is 34 not 64...don't know the 31 day...thought there was only 29 days in February...31 would be quite the Leap....)

What's blue and mean...

A blue meany of course.

What's blue and nice?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 3, 2008 08:26AM)
(Hi Harris, Tim Drake is doing a drive to be nice for 31 days: http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewtopic.php?topic=248016&forum=32&107&start=90 I'm not sure it will affect you as I've never heard you be negative about anyone. I however, signed up then managed to insult several people wiothin 48 hours!)

A blue meany on a break.

What's orange and sounds like a cat?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 3, 2008 08:38AM)
Carrot Top moving from props to imitations.

Whats blue and sounds like a dog?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 3, 2008 08:56AM)
Huckleberry hound

What's green and sounds like a dog?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 3, 2008 09:10AM)
Uno (who won the big dog show) after eating too much licorice...
This could be me as well after eating too much licorice.

Over the weekend ate 1/2 of a chocolate cake that turned me greenish..Should have known better as it was called "Blackout".

cue the baying hound...(er beagle) We are going to get a beagle this May and call him Cinco de Beagle.

Why did the cell phone turn into a paper weight.
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 3, 2008 09:18AM)
(Ha. I was kind of wondering if you'd say "a frog")

Because the phone company found a way of charging for that, too.

What do you get if you cross a moor with a butterfly collector?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 3, 2008 09:33AM)
Butterflies of the Baskerville.

What did Holmes say to Dr. Watson when he got butterflies in his stomach?
Message: Posted by: richards (Mar 3, 2008 05:47PM)
"Holmes, my good man. I believe that worm that I drank out of that bottle of tequila was actually a caterpillar!"

Why should magicians not get drunk?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 3, 2008 07:13PM)
Because then we can have more fun performing for those who ARE drunk.

What was the first magicians very first invention?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 3, 2008 07:37PM)
The vanishing rock

How did he pick his first assistant
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 3, 2008 07:55PM)
Clubbed her over the head

what was their very first illusion?
Message: Posted by: richards (Mar 3, 2008 10:21PM)
20th Century Fig Leaf

What is the best trick to perform for an audience full of lawyers?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 3, 2008 10:58PM)
Ambulance Chaser Monte

What was the name of the very first magic convention that just did not seem to catch on?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 3, 2008 11:04PM)
Ug Lee"s Poof Poof cavern

What was the name of the first fire trick
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 3, 2008 11:12PM)
VERY VERY Hot Rod

What were they thinking of using first as a icon for magic before the top hat?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 3, 2008 11:15PM)
Half of a Dino egg with a shin bone as a wand

What was the first animal made to appear for the audience?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 4, 2008 07:47AM)
A sabre-toothed rabbit.

What is the difference between a dinosaur and ERIC?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 4, 2008 08:22AM)
There's a difference!!?? (sorry Eric hehehe)

What is the difference between George's hat and bad roadkill?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 4, 2008 09:07AM)
George's hat doesn't taste like chicken.

George's hat is still alive.
50 pounds..or what ever it cost...

Why does my cat like Rocky so much?..(actually I call him Bob..the spring puppet as he was born in the spring)
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 4, 2008 09:27AM)
Cause it looks like George's hat

What will you get when your cat "Gets together" with George's hat
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 4, 2008 09:30AM)
The Cat's Meow.

Why does Harris' cat run off when he hits the high notes on his harmonica?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 4, 2008 01:07PM)
(Aside. I assume that question is taken from real life. Funny thing about my cat is if I blow through a mouth squeaker he get's very worried and runs over to me and sits on my chest)

He runs off to retune his whiskers!

What do you get if you cross a cat and a caveman?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 4, 2008 01:37PM)
(love the retune image...Yes Hannah appreciates the bass notes better. Reality is more fun then fiction ..and 2x as funny)

A need for some neosporin and an aspirin. (Got the scratch marks..but just guessing on the second one)

Why do people think Catwoman was such a bad move/movie for Halle Berry?
Message: Posted by: nucinud (Mar 5, 2008 05:05PM)
Because the script was not purrfect.

Why dosen't a magician pull cat in a hat out of tip over trunk?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 6, 2008 08:20AM)
Because thing 1 and thing 2 take up all of the load space.

How are politicians and magicians alike?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 6, 2008 08:26AM)
They both create the illusion that someting is actually happening when in reality nothing ever gets done at all. =)

What should become the new official spoken word greeting for all magicians when they meet each other?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 6, 2008 09:59AM)
Hows tricks!?

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a cheesecake?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 6, 2008 06:26PM)
A 400 pound bird that will BREAK your Cracker


what do you get when you cross Gentle Ben with Clarence the cross eyed lion
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 7, 2008 07:40PM)
"Gladly" (the cross-eyed bear).

What do you get if you eat a clock?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 7, 2008 07:53PM)
Too much time on your hands

What do you get when you cross Criss Angel with Richard Simmons?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 7, 2008 09:52PM)
A Greek Geek

What do you get if kadabra abra instead of abra kadabra?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 8, 2008 05:38AM)
A smuff of poke.

What's the difference between a feather flower and an oven-ready turkey?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 8, 2008 08:40AM)
There's a difference!?? no wonder my stomach hurts. lol

IF you could pry George's hat off his head.. what would be another great use for it?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 8, 2008 09:21PM)
A porta pottie

What do you get when you shave off half of Kyle's mustache?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 11, 2008 02:00AM)
Hair in the sink, on the floor....

What did the pregnant woman say to her obstetrician upon their first meeting?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 11, 2008 11:08AM)
Ooops....

How do you nicely get the pickle out of the jar?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 11, 2008 11:09AM)
That's another question, Not what she said...but it could be.
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 11, 2008 01:31PM)
You ask it politely to come out.

What do you call a magician with no key ring?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 11, 2008 09:22PM)
A "completely" rounded individual.


What do you call a dog with no legs?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 11, 2008 09:31PM)
It doesn't matter he won't come.

What is a rabbit-less magician called?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 11, 2008 09:42PM)
Bald! (Hare-less)


What is the difference between a magician a large pizza?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 11, 2008 09:47PM)
A large pizza really will feed a family of 4

What does a magician have when he is down in his cups?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 11, 2008 10:25PM)
A very very strange act lol

What do you get when Photius loses his glasses and has to perform a magic show?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 11, 2008 11:34PM)
Something less than a "spectacle"!

What do you get when you play a Country/Western record backward?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 11, 2008 11:40PM)
Rap

What did Hagrid say when he saw Larry with his playing cards
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 12, 2008 12:45AM)
What did the pregnant woman say to her obstetrician upon their first meeting?
[/quote]

"I'm dilated to meet you!"
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 12, 2008 12:49AM)
What did Hagrid say when he saw Larry with his playing cards
[/quote]

"You mean its LARRY Potter??? I need to get my hearing aids fixed!

----

Why did the pirate walk around with the ship's (steering) wheel jammed up in his crotch?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 12, 2008 01:33PM)
He was having a funny turn. (" Aaar, it be driving me nuts")

What's black and blue and pink all over?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 12, 2008 08:56PM)
A sunburned bruise.

Why did the magician clear his throat?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 12, 2008 10:18PM)
Because he wanted his tonsils to vanish.

Why did Magicgeorge buy a new hat?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 12, 2008 10:54PM)
He bought a new hat...oh say it isn't so...

Now what will we pick on George for?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 13, 2008 02:28AM)
For the gold in his teeth.

What happened to the magician while driving his car?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 13, 2008 10:29AM)
He got into an accident when his blindfold blew off.

What did he tell the police officer the cause was?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 13, 2008 12:42PM)
D.U. B. = Driving Under the Blindfold. But the cop didn't buy his story as he thought it was FABRIC-ated. =)

How long can Eric float the cereal box in his avatar?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 13, 2008 04:38PM)
Until Kyles hand cramps up from holding his......the balls ;) or the s***** breaks, whichever comes first.

How does Kyle get that glowing and sparkling personality in his?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 13, 2008 09:58PM)
He eats yeast and uses shinola, so he can rise and shine.

How many magicians does it take to tell a lousy joke?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 14, 2008 08:20AM)
DARN!!!! Now my secret is known. Geesh Photius.. I thought you were not going to tell. lol =)

How many to tell a lousy joke? Obviously 24 pages worth lol

What is another good use for Photius' glasses?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 14, 2008 02:22PM)
We could wear them to see things his way.....


What law should congress pass for magicians?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 14, 2008 09:31PM)
That no person is EVER allowed to ask you if you can make (such and such) dissapear!. lol

What law should congress pass for audiences?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 14, 2008 10:12PM)
That they should always applaud and cheer appropriately and loudly.

(talk about secrets being out, kyle, so you let out the secret of my glasses, which , of course is simply to protect my secret identity).

What did the blind magician say to his deaf assistant?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 15, 2008 05:52AM)
Um is there an audience even out there? Yeah but they just do not clap very loud.. said the deaf guy. (I am deaf so this actually applies to me. lol)

What is Photius' secret identity?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 15, 2008 11:18AM)
Clark Kent?

If Houdini were alive today what would he be famous for?
Message: Posted by: trickytrav (Mar 15, 2008 11:55AM)
Being the worlds oldest escapologist


What did the rabbit say to the wand?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 01:55PM)
"Oh, so you DO know what's brown and sticky..."

Where did the elephant keep his wand?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 15, 2008 02:37PM)
In his magic TRUNK of course.

What is Jocdoc hiding under his yellow hat?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 08:13PM)
The bullet holes from my last performance. (That's strange. I was supposed to kill THEM...)

What do you say to a guy holding 4 balls in his hand?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 15, 2008 09:23PM)
I hope two of those are shells!


What is the most prominent "Murphy's Law" when it comes to magic?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 15, 2008 10:05PM)
[quote]
On 2008-03-15 12:18, lbean58 wrote:
Clark Kent?

[/quote]

Darn! Now I gotta chage it again!

The most prominent Murphy's Law in magic is "when you are performing at your very best there will always be a kid in the front row telling everyone how you do every trick"

What did Kyle's wife say when she caught him trying on the baffeling bra?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 10:12PM)
Honey, I've got two tips for you...

Name a magician without any visible means of support:
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 15, 2008 10:12PM)
I got beat to the punch - mine was for the one that is 2 above :)

I knew I would have to "drag" you out of the magic room - but this is ridiculous!

When geese are flying in "V" formation, why is one side of the V always longer than the other?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 15, 2008 10:27PM)
Because Geese never could write.

What does Larry Bean really hide behind those giant cards?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 10:33PM)
[quote]
Name a magician without any visible means of support:
[/quote]

Balducci
______________
When geese are flying in "V" formation, why is one side of the V always longer than the other?

That's Viagra for you...

---------

OK, now that we're all caught up...


For you news junkies: what happens when you sit on a bathroom toilet for two years?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 10:38PM)
[Damn - you guys are fast!]

What does Larry Bean really hide behind those giant cards?

A stolen wristwatch.

----

[OK, let's try again:]

For you news junkies: what happens when you sit on a bathroom toilet for two years?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 15, 2008 10:42PM)
Senator Larry Craig thinks he struck out.

What do Obama and Hillary have in common?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 10:48PM)
The letter "A" and 3 syllables. Oh - and both want to make George W. Bush disappear.

What did the snail say to the turtle while riding upon it's back?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 15, 2008 10:50PM)
Slow down, your moving too fast. Try to make the moment last...

What keeps kyle standing up?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 15, 2008 11:02PM)
His dedication as he's an upstanding member of the community. [Or, perhaps it's because his shoes are nailed into the floor?]

When should you beat up someone whose holding a sack of goose feathers?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 16, 2008 08:55AM)
(Joc your check is in the mail my friend.. hehehe it is not much but then again my wife takes the rest.) hehehe

Anytime you want. If they are holding goose feathers, you know they just have to be up to no good. Besides the goose feathers will soften the blows. =)

Why is it that even though Kyle does all the bookings and talking with clients, does the check always always go to his wife? (and yes this is my question) lol
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 16, 2008 03:18PM)
Why should it be any different for you than anyone else? =)


"Mommy, Mommy why do I keep running around in circles?"
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 16, 2008 03:28PM)
Is her name "Wells Fargo?"

[BTW, you kick them when they're down!]
----

If Kyle swallowed the check, what would you have?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 16, 2008 04:21PM)
Well if I had hiccups it would be a check up. hehehe If I started hopping up and down it would be a BOUNCED check. =)

What do you get if you take Joc's yellow hat and combine it with Larry's giant cards, my 4 billiard balls and Photius' glasses?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 16, 2008 10:33PM)
I don't know - but if it speaks - you better listen!

What magic trick has New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer inspired?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 17, 2008 01:46AM)
A very expensive trick called "Kristen."

What did Santa say when he brought Spitzer his Christmas gifts?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 17, 2008 10:41AM)
HO HO HO

Why does Kyle have so much fun with magic?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 17, 2008 07:49PM)
Because his wife told him to.lol Kyle always listens to the wife. (sink wink nudge nudge)

What does a magician take to cure a common cold?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 17, 2008 08:04PM)
The 4 giant aspirin tablets that you're holding!

What's the definition of "innuendo?"
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 17, 2008 10:01PM)
Something Jim McGreavy would talk about....(Hey,I'm from Jersey and can say that!)


How do you make $6000 just disappear?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 17, 2008 10:48PM)
Take a vacation to Las Vegas,

How much starch does Photius have in his collar?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 18, 2008 09:10AM)
I don't know but it works "devinely".

What routine should I share after the Passover Sedar?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 18, 2008 07:47PM)
How about the broken and restored Afikomen?

How many animals of each SPECIES did Moses bring with him on the ark?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 19, 2008 12:04AM)
None.. .. but Noah took 2. However Moses did insist on a room with a view and complained about the monkeys in his cabin.

what wasthe name of the very first magic convention that flopped.
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 19, 2008 10:47AM)
Methuselah Magic Mysteries (now that's old - thumb tips were carved from wood)


What was Moses' favorite trick to do in front of Pharoah?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 19, 2008 11:10AM)
Watch while I show you my snake... (He would get arrested today for that)

What did Moses say to Aaron after he show Pharoah his snake?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 19, 2008 11:58AM)
Now boy. THAT is show business.

What did Noah say to the animals to get their cooperation?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 19, 2008 12:36PM)
"unless you want to be stuffed in a hat or sawed in two, behave!"

What was Moses 3rd best trick?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 19, 2008 07:56PM)
Getting Aaron to speak for him.

What did David Blaine say when he say Criss Angel's (self) levitation on TV?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 19, 2008 09:54PM)
Hey..want to see somthin cool...

What did Chris say back?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 20, 2008 01:36AM)
Everytime I look in the mirror...

How did Moses follow up his trick of parting the red sea?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 20, 2008 09:03AM)
By making the Egyptians dissappear.

Why was he upset when he returned from the mount to find a golden bull?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 20, 2008 09:05AM)
Because it wasn't how it looked in the catalogue.

Who was the fastest man in history?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 20, 2008 01:44PM)
The guy who invented the flobeee after everyone realized how stupid the thing was. lol

what do you do if you are on stage in the middle of an audience helper trick and you realize you have to blow the biggest and loudest fart in history?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 20, 2008 05:53PM)
Regret that you didn't take ventriloquism lessons?

What's the new New York State motto going to be?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 20, 2008 09:34PM)
For a few thousand dollars...you too can LOVE NY.

What should the motto be for the "Now Tht's Funny" section of the Café?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 21, 2008 03:06AM)
Have joke thread will travel (forever)...

What do magicians do with their old jokes?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 21, 2008 07:07AM)
They come to the Café and spill them here so we can all moan and groan and get sick from reading them.

What is the best non-common magic word you have ever heard or come across?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 21, 2008 02:52PM)
Netiquette....(sic???) (I think her last name is Funicello)

Where do you go to find your patience?


(written following this morning's learning lesson...Mini Wax looks better on the wood then on our new carpet..Good thing my wonderful wife has a sense of humor..but as someone said.."I digress"...
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 21, 2008 03:57PM)
To stop me from saying " a doctor's surgery" I'll share one of my favourite little rhymes:

Patience is a virtue and virtue is a grace,
And Grace is a little girl who wouldn't wash her face.

How many men does it take to lift a Maddabooboo?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 21, 2008 06:33PM)
Depends on how big your Maddabooboo is.

What the heck is a Maddabooboo?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 21, 2008 08:33PM)
Why nothing, Yogi.

why did the train come into the station?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 21, 2008 08:55PM)
Because it was raining outside? Or because it was TOO TOO Tired!

How high is up?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 21, 2008 11:49PM)
About that much higher than down.


What do you call a magician who owns six squared circles?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 22, 2008 02:40AM)
A failure of geometric proportions.

Why did Yogi and Boo Boo hide from Mr. Ranger Sir?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 22, 2008 05:27AM)
They could "bear"ly stand to see him.

What is Yogi's favorite magic trick?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 22, 2008 06:37AM)
The vanishing pickernick basket.

What do you get if you cross George Bush with Bullwinkle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 08:40AM)
A president who doesn't know how to pull a rabbit out of a hat and who's first lady is a squirrel.

What was George's hat in its former life?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 22, 2008 12:25PM)
A bed pan (I sincerely apologize for the potty humor...)

How did Boris Badanov seduce the lovely Natasha?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 03:12PM)
Simple.. Natasha loved BAD boys and Boris badanove was the baddest around.

Who is sexier.. Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble and why?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 22, 2008 03:35PM)
Wilma because I'd love to make her bedrock.

What do you get if you cross a cricket with an elephant?
Message: Posted by: trickytrav (Mar 22, 2008 03:53PM)
Much flattened grass.

Why did the cricket cross the road
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 03:56PM)
To prove to the opossom it could be done!

Why did Jocdoc cross the road?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 22, 2008 05:47PM)
I thought that it was the Royal Road to Card Magic!

Why was Simon Bar sinister?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 05:57PM)
Because Simon Bar Nice guy was already bought out by another .com company. =)

What is another great use for Joc's hat?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 22, 2008 06:30PM)
Sometimes the Cialis works longer than it's supposed to and I'm not ready to perform my stand up act... (at least my magic one; oh wait, that's magic, too!)

Name some other good stand up effects.
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 06:48PM)
Getting up in the morning. That is always a good one for me. If I can stand up with out falling over, the day is starting off good.

What is the best thing a magician can do to waste time while waiting to go on to perform?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 22, 2008 07:15PM)
Collect money by panhandling the people in line who are in line to buy tickets.


Why are there so many magic conventions nowadays?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 07:26PM)
Because the government decided that they did not want us "magician" types out on the streets. It was easier keeping us all confined to one spot.

Why are there so many magicians copying other magicians acts?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 22, 2008 09:06PM)
Because copycat-ing is so much easier than being original thinkers.

Why do some magicians copy routines that aren't even worth copying in the first place.
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 22, 2008 09:31PM)
Because without that, Kyle has no act. (we really do like you kyle)

What does a magician do when he has come to the bottom of his bag of tricks?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 22, 2008 09:59PM)
He goes to Kyle and asks him for other routines he has stolen and still not used. lol

What was the "Where's the beef" ladies second choice for her line?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 23, 2008 12:00AM)
Oohh! BIG BUNS!

Why didn't they let her use it?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 12:13AM)
Cause she just kept squeezing and squeezing. I still have nitemares.

What is the REAL reason the Energizer rabbit keeps going and going and going...
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 23, 2008 12:25AM)
Exlax!

Why does he beat the drum?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 23, 2008 12:51AM)
Because drum keeps beating rhythm to the brain (la dee da di da, la dee da dee dee)...

What's one thing that Cher has NOT fixed?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 09:45AM)
Her dog? hehehe

What is a magic word that just never caught on?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 23, 2008 12:14PM)
Waffle-dust.

How is this thread at times like old milk?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 12:23PM)
They are both sour but you just keep coming back for more any ways.

What is the one thing you could do if you did not spend somuch time here?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 23, 2008 04:32PM)
The dishes.

What is the difference between a good magic show and a great magic show?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 04:49PM)
Having Kyle there to perform it. =)

What is the difference between Kyle and a big inflated ego? (be nice now)
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 23, 2008 05:03PM)
Since this is Easter, I'll observe the passover on that question. (Shouldn't there be or is there already a sleight called the Passover?)

What is the connection between the Easter Bunny and those dyed Easter Eggs?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 23, 2008 06:03PM)
Cooking time.

What do you get if you cross the easter bunny with a crocodile?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 07:59PM)
A croc who is no longer hungry.

What was the Easter Bunny's second choice of professions?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 23, 2008 08:00PM)
A cute way to lose a leg when it's hopping mad.

What do you get when you cross the Easter Bunny with a goldfish?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 23, 2008 08:03PM)
[Damn - too late again!]

What was the Easter Bunny's second choice of professions?

Working for the EverReady company.
---

What do you get when you cross the Easter Bunny with a goldfish?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 08:15PM)
A goldfish who is always constipated trying to lay those eggs.

What do you get when you cross the Easter bunny with Santa Clause and a Jehovah's Witness?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 23, 2008 08:54PM)
I'm not sure, but I think he is knocking at my door.

What makes the Easter bunny hopping mad?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 09:06PM)
When someone tells him he looks like a furry Brittany Spears on steroids.

If the Easter Bunny did magic, what would his stage name be?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 23, 2008 09:15PM)
Harry Hou"bunny"

What would happen if the Easter bunny suddenly ceased to exist?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 23, 2008 09:44PM)
Eggs would stop fearing that dreaded dip into the Colored Liquid of Death.

If we could no longer be called magicians and if you had to think up another really cool name for what we dol.. what would it be?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 23, 2008 10:24PM)
The occupation formerly known as "magician."

What does Prince have in common with the Easter Bunny?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 23, 2008 11:54PM)
Both are fictional characters. (Why the heck all the talk about easter? It isn't until April 27!)

What does the artist formerly known as Prince, now again known as Prince have in common with Kyle?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 24, 2008 02:04AM)
Both have an aura of purple rain, apparently.

What's Photius' favorite Texas card move?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 24, 2008 02:52AM)
The American Express Card,of course, never leave home without it.

Why did Kyle bar-b-que his dog?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 24, 2008 09:59AM)
Cause boiling changes the taste, silly.

Why does the Easter Bunny always wear a tie?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 24, 2008 12:36PM)
Because he believes in the warning "Cravat Emptor"

How is jocdoc related to bugs bunny?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 24, 2008 06:16PM)
Because he always says, "What's Up, jocDoc?"

What did Tweety bird say at the magic show when Tweety saw the Orange, Lemon, Egg trick?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 24, 2008 08:03PM)
I taught I taw a magic twick. I did I did see a magic twick.

What is REALLY behind the cards Larry is holding onto?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 24, 2008 08:55PM)
A bowling ball

Who has the most talented TT
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 24, 2008 09:37PM)
That lady on youtube who proves there is nothing up her sleeves. That was talent.

If magicians ruled the world, what would the first law be?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 24, 2008 09:53PM)
He who makes the magic makes the rules!

What's the weirdest gaff you ever saw?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 24, 2008 11:44PM)
Kyle's mustache.

How many magicians does it take to make one functioning brain cell?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 25, 2008 06:29AM)
There arn't enough. =)

If we all actually had functioning brain cells, what would we be capable of?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 25, 2008 08:49AM)
Original thought.

What did one magician's braincell say to the other braincell?
Message: Posted by: trickytrav (Mar 25, 2008 08:52AM)
Its lonely in here.



Why don't magicians eat porridge for breakfast?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 25, 2008 09:56AM)
Well think about it. First we would have to try one and it would be too cold, then one too hot before finding one just right. Then the chairs would be too hard, too soft before finding a good one and then we would get tired and have to do the same thing all over again for a nice bed. besides goldilocks is not looking as hot as she used to. =)

Whatever happened to goldilocks any ways?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 25, 2008 11:30AM)
I don't know where she went - I "bear"ly missed her.

Why aren't there more magicians in nursery rhymes and faerie tales?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 25, 2008 12:38PM)
Because nursery rhymes and fairy tails are believeable fiction.

What's the similarity between Kyle's shoe size and his act?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 25, 2008 01:13PM)
No one else can fill them so well...said Nigel member in good standing in the unofficial we like Kyle fan club.
Message: Posted by: trickytrav (Mar 25, 2008 03:24PM)
Why didn't Harris post the next line?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 25, 2008 08:22PM)
Because he was just in total awe of Kyle and his amazing talents. Besides Nigel wouldn't let him get anywhere near the computer when he was surfing Kyle's website. That Nigel is quite a fella.=)

What do you do if your assistant poots really bad while inside your illusion?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 25, 2008 08:45PM)
Pray that her microphone is turned off and that you don't have to get inside any time soon.

What do you do if you prematurely drop the cloth while performing Metamorphosis?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 25, 2008 09:49PM)
Smile real big and say "Surprise"

What do you do if you telephone Harris and Nigel answers the phone?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 25, 2008 10:09PM)
Say, "Let me speak to the dummy" :)

What do you do if you telephone photius and Nigel answers the phone?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 25, 2008 11:59PM)
Say, "sorry , I got the wrong number"

What do you say if you phone Nigel and Cookie Monster answers the phone?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 26, 2008 01:35AM)
Leave a crummy message.

What do you do with a crummy act?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 05:49AM)
Put it on youtube.

How many penguins does it take to paint a bus?
Message: Posted by: Chappo (Mar 26, 2008 07:17AM)
Depends on how many you want to throw at it.

Why do owls sleep during the day?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 07:40AM)
Because when the moon goes down there is nothing to owl at.

Why did the owl 'owl?
Message: Posted by: Chappo (Mar 26, 2008 07:45AM)
Owl am I supposed to know?

What's the difference between an egg and dead skunk?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 26, 2008 08:07AM)
One got scrambled the other got SCRAMBLED.

(cue the music dead skunk in the middle of the road playing under the above set up and punch line...ps..love the Nigel stuff...He and the rest of the nearly normal puppets are completing the first part of the middle school drama classes Puppetry Workshop. In may we share with the 8th graders)

What is most troubling to 8th grade boys?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 08:19AM)
8th grade girls

Why did the magic butcher cry?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 26, 2008 08:29AM)
You can't dip your toast into a fried dead skunk.

What's he difference between a really bad magician and bad smelling cheese?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 08:32AM)
Keep up, Kyle!

One's the performer the other's the material.

Why did the magic butcher cry?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 09:03AM)
Because his hand chopper broke.

Why did the hand chopper break?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 26, 2008 09:13AM)
The magician picked Kal-el as a volunteer.

Why did Superman stop doing his "X-Ray Vision" Act?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 10:40AM)
He worked an old age home and got sick from seeing all those wrinkles and ratty boxer shorts.

Why did Batman teach the wall walk to Chris Angel?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 26, 2008 10:57AM)
Robin had flown away.

Why do birds fly south..(think and stretch for the answer)
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 11:01AM)
Because if they fly west, the day seems to go on forever.

If you are in Australia, do birds fly North for the winter?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 11:04AM)
Because Australia needs our custard. See, I didn't say anything about it being too far to walk..ooops.

Why did the hedgehog hibernate in a shoe box?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 11:06AM)
Because what was in your hatbox scared him! (Couldn't resist)

If sonic the hedgehog met your hat, what would he call it?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 11:06AM)
That's weird. Eric posted while I was writing and we both mentioned Australia!

OK.

Yes, because they fly north for the summer but their summer is our winter so they cancel each other out.

Why did the hedgehog hibernate in a shoe box?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 11:08AM)
Because what was in your hatbox scared him! (Couldn't resist)

If sonic the hedgehog met your hat, what would he call it?

Daja veu
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 11:09AM)
Huh, this has got messy.

Sonic would call it a cadaver.

What's black and white and red all under?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 11:12AM)
A skunk that was run over on the street.

What would his name be?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 11:18AM)
Splatrick the ex-stinked.

How many kittens does it take to fill a crocodile?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 26, 2008 12:34PM)
Don't know, I'm still feeding them as fast as I can.

Why do you "Never smile at a crocodile?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 26, 2008 03:12PM)
Cause everyone knows that a smile is the universal croc sign for "FREE LUNCH!" Besides they think it's totally dorky and dorks are first on their list of people to eat.

Why do you never smile at Eric?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 26, 2008 05:06PM)
He might smile back.

What is the name of a magician's pet gerbil?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 05:29PM)
Livestock production item 37

Why did the weasel woo a woodpecker?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 26, 2008 06:29PM)
If um I have to state it, then I may get kicked off the Café. lol

What did George name is furry hat?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 26, 2008 07:03PM)
I think the question is why not what.

What's big, red and eats gerbils?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 26, 2008 08:43PM)
Kyle

What's the worst trick Kyle ever performed?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 26, 2008 08:45PM)
The Amazing Vanishing Gerbil

Why don't more gerbils go to college?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Mar 26, 2008 08:48PM)
There are too many rats on the faculty already.

What do you get when you cross a gerbil with kyle's mustache?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 26, 2008 08:53PM)
No fair... I can't answer this lol. Ok I will play nice and let someone else chime in. Be nice. I must go back to being big, red and eating gerbils.
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 27, 2008 08:48AM)
A gerbil that gets food in his exercise wheel.

Why did Harris cross the road?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 27, 2008 08:57AM)
To get to the other [url=http://www.slide.com/r/qKk0Cdvm1T-PeIFQqVGxHmDQstNjcXhC?previous_view=mscd_embedded_url&view=original]slide[/url]

What's blue and smelly and goes up and down?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 27, 2008 09:24AM)
(I do have several "slides" on slide.com....hee hee)

Cookie Monster after getting the stomach flue.

Where to puppets like to go out to eat?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 27, 2008 10:57AM)
Geppetto's

Of what do puppets dream?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 27, 2008 11:11AM)
Georgio (one of my marionettes) dreams of taking over the world.
(that was one of the episodes of Greenwhich Mean Time 10:00 a syndicated radio show back in the 80's) I called it When Puppets Dream...but I digress)

Where do puppets buy their clothes?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 27, 2008 11:28AM)
From Steve the Taylor

What do you get if you cross a muppet with Larry Bean?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 11:29AM)
That French clothier Jay Cee Pennya.

Why do puppets live in suitcases?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 27, 2008 11:32AM)
They are waiting for a better "sellers" market.

Why do lawyers carry brief cases?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 11:38AM)
They need someplace to carry the "How to s**** everyone" manual, cause they cannot leave it laying around.

Do they call it a brief case because they carry underware in it?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 27, 2008 12:13PM)
Under where?

What do you call a gagtagger who puts the punchline in the question?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 27, 2008 12:54PM)
Leading the witness.

What do you do when the Witness Witness rings your door bell?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 02:18PM)
Answer the door.

What is the first thing I should say?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 27, 2008 03:51PM)
Why oh why did I wake up this morning.

What is the last thing you should have said?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 05:11PM)
Tell me about Jehovah...you'll be there all day, and they will keep on coming back until you get a restraining order.

What other line that should not be crossed should we now cross?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 27, 2008 10:10PM)
What free Movie channels and all sports channels and George will get thee bill??

What a magician should never say to a cop after getting pulled over?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 10:13PM)
Would you like to see my gimmicks?

What would be the best thing the cop would say back?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 27, 2008 10:43PM)
I have my own...they are called handcuffs!

What is the worst pick up line a magician can use?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 27, 2008 11:05PM)
Hello beautiful, how's tricks?

What would be the best line?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 28, 2008 02:24AM)
Wanna handle my wand?

Now, suppose it's a female magician, what would be her best line?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 28, 2008 06:18AM)
(Aside: I think you've probably got the worst line and the best line the wrong way around)

Is that a wand in your pocket or .......

What's black at the top, pink in the middle and doesn't like mentalists?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 28, 2008 07:48AM)
Max Maven sunbathing at the beach. =)

What is black and white and old and hates magicians?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 29, 2008 04:27AM)
A penguin loaded into a dove pan...

Of what do penguins dream?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 30, 2008 01:18AM)
A Tuxedo that they could take off.

What was the magician assistant's nightmare?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 30, 2008 12:16PM)
Being cut in half and then left on stage in two pieces when everyone else went home.

WHich half would you rather have, the half that dances, or the one that eats?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 30, 2008 05:03PM)
The half that dances. This way it is dinner theater. I get to eat dinner and she dances. =)

what do you do if you start the show and as the curtains open your pants rip and you are wearing tighty whities?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 30, 2008 05:51PM)
You say that your show will be very "brief".

What do you do when your spectator doesn't remember their card?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Mar 31, 2008 12:34AM)
Beat them senseless with a Harry Lorayne book or tell them that it doesn't matter because you don't remember the trick!

Can you name a popular military sleight?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 31, 2008 07:08AM)
The Ney Palm. (Smells good in the morning)

What do you call a chicken that works in the military?
Message: Posted by: harris (Mar 31, 2008 07:54AM)
A. Dinner
B. Colonel (I say Sanders that is)

(aside...the split pants actually happened to me. I had to rework all my blocking to always face the audience. I felt like I was an expanded coin shell.)

What did the coin say to the chicken?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 31, 2008 12:53PM)
I don't see how you are gonna palm me.


What did the chicken say to the coin?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Mar 31, 2008 01:03PM)
Buck, buck, buck.

What do you do with a green chicken?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Mar 31, 2008 02:34PM)
Hide it on a pool table.

What else is on the pool table?
Message: Posted by: Chappo (Mar 31, 2008 05:30PM)
A green cow, a green aardvark and a purple frog . He just wanted to fit in.

What did one card say to the other?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 31, 2008 06:08PM)
When you talk you're just a pip-squeak.

What did one skunk say to the other in church?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 31, 2008 07:13PM)
Boy and we thought we stunk.

What is the one magic trick you should never attempt while driving?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Mar 31, 2008 08:06PM)
Strait-Jacket Escape.

What trick should you never do for kids?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Mar 31, 2008 08:22PM)
The "Let's see how much sugar we can feed you" trick of mystery.

What is the one trick you wish you sometimes could put on the adults at the kid's party?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 1, 2008 12:40AM)
The "Let's have them pay in advance and with a big tip" trick.

What is green, has six legs, and if it falls upon you from a palm tree will kill you?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 1, 2008 04:24AM)
1.5 seasick elephants.

Why can't you make love on a snooker table?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 1, 2008 08:23AM)
Because when they rack the balls. It REALLY HURTS! (sorry I had to say it)

What are the top 2 worst names you can call yourself as a kid show performer?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 1, 2008 09:34AM)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3N212x655A

How do you know if a clown is in your fridge?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 1, 2008 09:59AM)
The food tastes funny...

Why did the little boy put his doggie in the freezer?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 1, 2008 05:30PM)
Because he doesn't like HOT dogs

what do you do when you drop you prop during a show?
Message: Posted by: Chappo (Apr 1, 2008 07:44PM)
Yell "TADDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" at the top of your lungs.

Why did the lamp-shade cross the road?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 1, 2008 09:50PM)
It was the shady side of the street.

Why did the light bulb cross the street?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 2, 2008 09:13AM)
To change it's point of view.

What magician would make a good President's Assistant..er vice president...?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 2, 2008 06:03PM)
Cris Angel, because he doesn't really do anything original.

Why would a magician wear a red coat?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 2, 2008 08:13PM)
Because he wants to be cool, suave, sexy and a really awesome magician just like ME!!!!

What was Lance Burtons first failed act before he came up with his FISM act?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 2, 2008 09:26PM)
An early version of Mac King's cloak of invisibility.

Why does Kyle have 4 balls?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 2, 2008 09:47PM)
Because having 5 would just be too weird. I mean ewwwwww lol

What is another use for Photius' collar?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 2, 2008 10:00PM)
It is great for spreading peanut butter on crackers.

Why were Mark Wilson's hands worth 50,000 dollars?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 5, 2008 01:52AM)
That's what Nani's dad offered to pay him to keep them off her.

What would you get if you mixed Peanuts (featuring Charlie Brown) with toilet paper?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 5, 2008 04:52PM)
Instead of Snoopy you would obviosuly get Poopy instead.

Why does Photius have 25 cent hands?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 5, 2008 08:01PM)
Because he is a two bit magician.

What is the real reason Kyle's wife won't get on the chair suspension?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 6, 2008 02:46PM)
It would Keller.

Why?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 6, 2008 03:36PM)
Because she knows that he has a secret love for Nani and plans to do her in on it.

What does Kyle float besides kids on a chair suspension?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 6, 2008 03:44PM)
Oh this should be good

::sits back with pocorn and drink and watches people chime in:; hehehe
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 7, 2008 08:42AM)
Ice cream that is (Ice cream Float)

What happens when Nigel sits back to far?(or long?)
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 7, 2008 12:52PM)
He falls off Harris's lap

Why is Nigel the smartest one in the act?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 7, 2008 06:09PM)
Because every good puppet has to have a dummy. =)

What makes Photius LOOK smart when in reality he is as dumb as a board? (sorry just getting you back hehehe)
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 8, 2008 01:33AM)
Photoshop.

What was Charlton Heston's favorite magic trick?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 8, 2008 08:36AM)
Bullet catching...or the Cane/Staff to Snake....

How do I take these dinners off my Income Tax...(old joke see if you can come up with something besides..10 laps around the block..)
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 8, 2008 12:22PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-08 02:33, jocdoc wrote:

[/quote]
(That's photiusshop!)

In answer to Harris:
A combination of windex, ink remover, and Simple Green should take them off of ur income tax nicely.


Why would Hillary Clinton be a bad magician?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 8, 2008 12:49PM)
The only thing she can make people believe is she doen't know what the word TRUTH is.
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 8, 2008 12:50PM)
Ooops almost forgot....

What did Bill say when she told him she was going to try and appeal to the women voters?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 8, 2008 12:53PM)
"Well I enjoy my cigar too, but I take it out once in a while."

What was the biggest trick Gypsy Rose Lee every pulled off on stage?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 8, 2008 01:07PM)
Howard Huges

How does Photius know so much about Gypsy Rose Lee?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 8, 2008 03:47PM)
Because he is one of the few old enough on the board to even remember her.

What do Max Mavin and Kyle have in common?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 8, 2008 05:22PM)
We both have receeding hairlines, black hair, look evil and this uncanny ability to always see grey elephants in Denmark.

What do you get if you cross Photius with an electric shaver?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 8, 2008 05:52PM)
Enough to stuff a pillow.

Why should you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 8, 2008 06:57PM)
Hang it from the wall, invite your Mexican friends over and say your having a Pianata party. Works amazingly well. =)

What are the top 3 uses of duct tape that ONLY a magician would ever think up?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 8, 2008 11:17PM)
1) Taping Kyle shut 2) taping Kyle in a box addressed to Timbuktu 3)holding Kyle's shorts up. (you make it too easy , Kyle)

What are three uses for Photius's old props?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 9, 2008 02:04AM)
1. A silk to stuff in Kyle's mouth
2. Chains and lock to bind him up
3. Thumb tip to ditch the key to the lock...
[Hey, anyone that thinks up a hamster pinata deserves this!]

Alright, turnabout is fair play. What are 3 uses for Kyle's old props?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 9, 2008 09:40AM)
For me to go out on my own, said Nigel the puppet that rocks and talks.

Do those red suits come in smaller sizes?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 9, 2008 10:46AM)
They don't get any smaller than Kyle.

What do Kyle's good looks and photius's lack of talent have in common?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 9, 2008 10:15PM)
They are both here and entertain us all...

What will Kyle do withouit all of his props that are now in the hands of Nigel?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 9, 2008 10:20PM)
A lot better.

Why is Nigel so much smarter and better looking that Photius?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 10, 2008 11:02PM)
(common guys, that ought to be an easy one)
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 10, 2008 11:12PM)
Because Nigel knows who the real dummy is. hehehe

Why is everyone obsessed with me?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 11, 2008 02:21AM)
Because obsession is 9/10's of the law.

Did you hear about the long arm of the law?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 11, 2008 09:51AM)
No, it never reached me.

Who shot the sheriff?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 11, 2008 10:31AM)
A one armed man.

Someone who could get in those long arms.

I did, but not the deputy.

His nurse

His bartender

Her Photographer

______

Who shot the deputy?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 11, 2008 10:49AM)
He did as he could not stand the bad joke. =)

Who shot the magician?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 11, 2008 10:59AM)
Ask Brett Daniels.

Why do some magicians take a shot, or way too many before shows?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 11, 2008 12:14PM)
It makes us immune to hecklers and screaming 4 year olds. =)

Where does Nigel go to get his hair done?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 11, 2008 05:04PM)
The Rug Doctor.

What do you call a magician with 3 legs?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 11, 2008 09:27PM)
Rudy Coby lol

What was Kyle's second choice for cool outfits before he went with the red jacket?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 11, 2008 11:52PM)
The really cool leisure suit before the moths regurgitated?

What did Tom substitute for a wooden egg in his last mesh egg bag routine"
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 12, 2008 02:42AM)
Beats me...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate with a wooden leg?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 08:28AM)
Yeah. They said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

what was the first symbol of magic before the rabbit and top hat?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 12, 2008 12:29PM)
A little devil sitting on my shoulder.

What's the best way to keep the production animal quiet and still before the production? (Please be kind)
Message: Posted by: jay leslie (Apr 12, 2008 02:09PM)
Note: I'll be in three words, if you want me.

continue
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 02:09PM)
Give the poor guy a Tv to watch and set it on Animal Planet. =)

What was Larry's first failed hobby before he decided to do magic?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 12, 2008 02:29PM)
Stamp collecting - I was a complete failure at it.

Why is Kyle always so chipper?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 05:44PM)
Because all wooden headed dummies fit easily into a chipper.

(Oh how I've waited for that one!)

Why is watching Photius's act worse than having teeth pulled with no anesthesia?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 12, 2008 05:50PM)
Because with the teeth - at least you've seem something.

What do you call a "bobblehead" magician?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 05:52PM)
Kyle

What is the worst surprise a magician can find when he opens his box?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 05:56PM)
That Photius has been sleeping in it and calling it HOME.

What will the first thing that will happen if Kyle ever meets Photius in person?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:02PM)
Kyle has met photius in person at SAM in Dallas, but should hit happen again there is not doubt that Kyle will fall to the floor and make with great salams before his idol, Photius.

What is the last thing a magician wants to step in?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:20PM)
Photius' shoes PPPP UUUUUU hehehe

What would happen if everyone on this thread met together at the combined convention at the same time?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:23PM)
Howard Cosell would rise from the dead and announce " And that Ladies and Gentlemen is one of the greatest displays of total chaos in pugalistic mayhem to ever be visited upon an unsuspecting public"

How many dinners does photius owe Kyle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:28PM)
WAY too many to count on fingers and toes. =)

Is Photius going to the combined convention so that hecan buy Kyle dinner?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:31PM)
Photius is not going to combined convention because GOAA clergy laity is the week before and he can't be gone that long, but come on down to El Paso and we got plenty of frijoles for ya to eat Kyle.

What is the real story about how Photius made Kyle smarter?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:34PM)
Photius and Kyle were riding in this pickup together and there was this sack between them. Kyle asks photius: "What's in the sack?" Photius says "Them is smart pills." Kyle asks: "Do they make you smarter?" Photius replied: "Try some and see." So Kyle starts to munch a few of them and photius says: "feel any smarter yet?" and Kyle says "nope". So Kyle eats some more, and he eats some more, and then some more. After about a half an hour of eating them he says to Photius " You know, Photius, if I didn't know better I'd say these here smart pills was really rabbit dung pellets." And Photius says "See, Kyle, now you are a little bit smarter"

Why is Photius's IQ like the square root of a negative number?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:37PM)
Because he sets up his own bad jokes

Why is Kyle so sad he will not see Photius at the convention?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:41PM)
Because he has saved a lot of gasoline and tar for the occassion.

Why will Kyle be lost behind stage at the combined convention?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:45PM)
Trying to save money by picking up others used snow storms

What would Photius do without Kyle to pick on?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:46PM)
Be terribly bored just picking on myself.

Why did the magician's snow storm illusion not work during the mid winter performance?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:51PM)
It turned to a icestorm in China and just was not as impressive.

what is a magician's favorite sport
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 06:53PM)
Deep ocean free style swimming, because most of us are in way over our heads anyway.

What is another use in magic for the toilet bowl float besides as a zombie ball?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 06:59PM)
Really dorky magicwand that smells bad

why should weall be worried about Photius?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 07:00PM)
Becasue everybody else is worried about him and have been for a loooonnnngggg time.

What's the difference between Photius and the Great Blackstone?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 07:08PM)
There's a difference!!?? lol

What is the difference between Kyle and Leonardo Da Vinci?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 07:19PM)
One is a brilliant Genius and artist and the other is some guy remembered for a painting called the moaning luigi.

How many magicians does it take to do the miser's dream?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 12, 2008 07:35PM)
1 to hold the bucket and 99 to realize none of them have any money.

What would Kyle's profession be if he did not do magic?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 12, 2008 07:37PM)
Same thing it is now, street beggar.

What do you get when you combine Kyle's personality, Photius's brain, and Doug's intrinsic evil together?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 13, 2008 08:20AM)
A hell of a mess!

How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a horse?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 13, 2008 08:48AM)
Just one Pychiatrist to admit Doug into the nice padded room with that really comfortable jacket.

How long can anyone stare at the dancing bananas before losing their mind?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 13, 2008 08:55AM)
Not very long if it was never there in the first place! :wow: (To those who want to drive me crazy, I inform them that with me it's no drive, but just a short putt.)

Where does a buffalo go when the chips are down?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 13, 2008 09:14AM)
To the store to buy more toilet paper.

What is another good use for this entire thread?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 13, 2008 09:44AM)
To "sew up" our ability to come up with crazy jokes and gag lines!

Where do baby rats go after school is out?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 13, 2008 01:49PM)
They drive home in their rat traps.

Of those going to Louisville - where are we all gonna meet?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 13, 2008 02:00PM)
Is there meat in Louisville? Is there balm in Gilead?

What becomes of a man after 24 hours seven days a week watching the "boob" tube?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Apr 13, 2008 02:05PM)
He grows a tit-shaped cataract on his eye.

What did the magician Say when he pulled a dead dove from his dove pan?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 13, 2008 02:06PM)
Anyone for tennis?

Why did the penguin cross the road in his pajamas?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 13, 2008 02:29PM)
To get to the other side, and it was too early for his tux.

What did the rabbit say when pulled from the hat?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 13, 2008 03:08PM)
Well it is about time geesh!

What will Larry say when he meets Kyle in Louisville in July?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 13, 2008 08:00PM)
Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!

What will Kyle say when he realizes that everyone in Louisville has chained him to the toilet?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 13, 2008 08:39PM)
Whoosh (flush sound).

What will Photius say at his next show?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 13, 2008 08:45PM)
Phire the Photon torpedoes at the phunny looking rabbit wearing a red suit!

How does one know if he/she is a Trekkie magician?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 13, 2008 08:52PM)
Every helper leaves the stage with him going, "live long and prosper."

Why will everyone chain me to a toilet?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 13, 2008 08:59PM)
Because you resemble the Tidy Bowl man and you leave everybody with a flushed feeling.

Why will you enjoy it?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 13, 2008 10:17PM)
You look at that avatar and ask a question like that?

Why does Kyle wear his red jacket when it comes back from the flush?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 13, 2008 10:46PM)
It is actually a life preserver.

What happens to his boat?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 13, 2008 10:51PM)
It goes down the tidy bowl when it flushes.

Why does Kyle use a toilet bowl in his vanishing illusion?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 13, 2008 11:02PM)
Because there is no wall to hang a urnal on

Why is Kyle always the brunt of our gags?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 13, 2008 11:05PM)
Because he makes his brunt the old fashioned way, he earns it.

What does a magician have that a skullery maid doesn't?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 14, 2008 02:25AM)
Lots of bent silverware. [Thank you, Google!]

Where does Photius come up with these obscure words?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 14, 2008 09:17AM)
Bill O'Riley

What else does he watch on TV?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 14, 2008 11:17AM)
Nothing, he never has time.

Why is a magician up a tree worse than being up a creek without a paddle?
Message: Posted by: Bridgewater (Apr 14, 2008 02:02PM)
Because the paddle move doesn't help when you're up a tree.

How can you tell when your break-away wand needs replacing?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 14, 2008 02:06PM)
When you have to pick it up like a game of 52 card pickup.

What did the magician's rabbit say when he was removed from the hat by the tail instead of the ears?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 14, 2008 07:00PM)
"Well, folks, that's the end!"

where does a gay hot dog go for summer vacation?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 14, 2008 07:36PM)
To Richard Simmon's video shoot. So he can Relish in all the glory and Ketchup with old friends.

Why is anyone who gets hit in the crotch just really funny to watch?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 14, 2008 07:38PM)
Because he looks like Kyle dancing the Macarena.

What kind of magic is it when you vanish the audience instead of the assistant?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 14, 2008 07:39PM)
A darn good trick provided you just started the show and alreayd have their money. hehehe

What is the mafias favorite magic trick?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 14, 2008 07:42PM)
The vanishing body

Who makes up the audience?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 14, 2008 07:42PM)
Making Jimmy Hoffa disappear.

How do you turn Kyle's red jacket blue?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 14, 2008 07:43PM)
The fish of course

What is a nuns favorite trick?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 14, 2008 07:46PM)
Pretending to not "want it" from father O'malley for all those years

What's black and white and smells like sausage gravy?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 14, 2008 09:54PM)
Kyle's mustache

How do you turn Kyle's red jacket blue?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 14, 2008 11:45PM)
Remove the Ketchup stains.

Why did Kyle and I stop producing rabbits in our acts?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 12:12AM)
Because the rabbits said, "no kiss and no dinner, no production"

What type of magic doesn't Kyle do?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 15, 2008 01:21AM)
Good magic.

What do you get when you cross a Mafioso with a booking agent?
Message: Posted by: topandball (Apr 15, 2008 02:16AM)
A cement shoe tap-dance act in every club in town.

How many Goodfellas does it take to change a light bulb?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 15, 2008 09:16AM)
A.One, the light bulb was offered something he couldn't refuse
b.Two...one to get the horse and
C.Take the canoli!

Why did Nigel take the canoli?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 15, 2008 09:36AM)
Cause the horses head scared him..especially when Harris made it talk.

What did Harris make the horses head say that scared Nigel sooooo bad?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:14AM)
"Here comes Kyle"

Would you rather your audience volunteer be Mr. Ed
or

Would you rather your audience volunteer be Francis the Talking Mule?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 15, 2008 11:17AM)
Mr. Ed.

Why haven't horses played a bigger role in magic through the years?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 15, 2008 11:18AM)
Mr. Ed especially if the series comedy writer Lou Derman could make a magical appearance. (he wrote the column Ledgerdermania many years ago.

Francis if Donald could do a short dance #..
Both guest request would be in the miracle class.

How do you make a Magic Square..(or how do you make magic Square?)
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 15, 2008 03:36PM)
Just have Photius perform it. They already think he is square any ways. =)

Why do people praise and love Kyle and his magic so much?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 04:15PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-15 11:14, photius wrote:
"Here comes Kyle"

Would you rather your audience volunteer be Mr. Ed
or

Would you rather your audience volunteer be Francis the Talking Mule?
[/quote]

Wrong thread! This is gag Tag!
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 04:17PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-15 16:36, magic4u02 wrote:
Just have Photius perform it. They already think he is square any ways. =)

Why do people praise and love Kyle and his magic so much?
[/quote]

They haven't been taught any better!

Where does a rich stripper go for lunch?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 06:51PM)
To a peel and eat shrimp place.

(And a rather can be a gag)

What did Kyle's mother say when he did his first trick?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 15, 2008 07:05PM)
OH NO 2 magicians in this house. Can't I just get one of you to set the table?

What magic trick would we all stand up and appluade loudly for if Doug performed?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 09:15PM)
Probably the "Dissapear From the Magic Café" Trick!

What did the mama magic wand say to the baby magic wand?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:24PM)
Stick with me and we can be magic together.

How did Kyle vanish the elephant?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 10:27PM)
One bite at a time.

What does a vampire do when he can't get Viagra?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:33PM)
When the sun comes up he rises and shines.

Who was the first magician on the moon?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 10:37PM)
I don't know, but it seems the masked magician mooned us all!

Where do elephants go for an evening of fun?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:42PM)
Down to the watering hole with the Elk,who of course, are looking for an elkahole.

Why can't Kyle do magic on Tuesdays?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 10:44PM)
Because Teusday all-ready has someone else "on her" doing their magic...

When pigs can fly...
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:47PM)
Kyle and Doug will be finally considered magicians.

How much did Kyle get paid for his first trick?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 10:49PM)
I don't know. You'll have to ask the his pimp.

Where did the rhino buy his fancy tux?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:51PM)
At Penguin magic.

How much magic would it take to fill Yankee stadium?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 10:56PM)
More than we will ever see

what makes music on your head?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 10:58PM)
The Cap 'tin and Tennel

Why can't magicians whistle?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 15, 2008 11:06PM)
Moving the hands and lips at the same time would require too much coordination. (Well, if they were blonde magicians)

What do they call a short psychic who just escaped from jail?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 15, 2008 11:13PM)
A man with short foresight

Why does the magician wear two pairs of pants when he performs?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 16, 2008 02:20AM)
In case it's not just the fans that he splits.

Why did the magician hide his best trick under his jacket?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 16, 2008 05:22AM)
He was keeping her all to himself...

Where does Bill Clinton go to buy his cigars?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 16, 2008 08:52AM)
John Rogers of course...(no comments on being Jolly)

How do some manipulators make an ash of themselves?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 16, 2008 09:34AM)
By blowing their cigarette production.

Who will be the first magician in space?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 16, 2008 11:49AM)
Paul Curry, because he is "out of this world"

Why did the magician give his assistant the bird?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 16, 2008 12:14PM)
Because she was "loaded".

What did the "Bird" say to the 36th president?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 16, 2008 05:18PM)
I just flip over you!

What's black and white and sits on an igloo?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 16, 2008 05:40PM)
Ig the penguin

Why don't hedgehogs wear socks?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 16, 2008 05:42PM)
Because they prefer panty hose

What do you call a magic act in which the magician bombs but the assistant is a hit.
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 16, 2008 06:14PM)
My act.

What's Kyle do when his morning coffee turns out to be mud?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 16, 2008 08:13PM)
Outside of the improvement he never notices the difference.

What did the magicians' assistant say to the elephant?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 16, 2008 08:14PM)
Give it to Photius and tell him it's an energy drink.

Why can't more people be like me?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 16, 2008 08:24PM)
Becasue if they were they would skip gags.

What did the magician's assistant say to the elephant?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 17, 2008 12:24AM)
Will I fit in your sub-trunk?

How did the elephant respond?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 03:20AM)
Hey baby, wanna see my trunk trick?

Two blondes walk past a brothel, one says to the other...
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 17, 2008 06:26AM)
Doesn't Doug work here?

Why does Kyle have the ability to skip gags any time he wants?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 17, 2008 08:50AM)
A.D.H.D...(my wife uses it on me ..she calls it Attention Deficit Husband Disorder)

(going back to an earlier nearly normal premise)

Why did the student throw the cup of ketchup into the group room?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:21AM)
Because he likes ketchup on his fries.

Why is having Photius for a friend like a night of torture?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 17, 2008 11:24AM)
He keeps it REEL/REAL...(Reality can be as scawy as horror movies)

What scares the director of magic shows.
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 17, 2008 01:02PM)
Original though and patter.

Why did the magician add music to his cups and balls routine?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 17, 2008 02:02PM)
To cover up the screaming of Photius who was crammed into one as a final load.

What would Larry be using if he did not have those jumbo cards?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 02:56PM)
Kyle's shorts it would get a bigger laugh.

Why does photius honor the quicksand Kyle walks on?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 03:50PM)
Kyle? Walks?

Where is best time to think about getting married?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 17, 2008 04:03PM)
At the church before you say "I do" and realize you are standing next to Doug.

What was Lance Burton's other job before becoming a magician?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 05:25PM)
Café surfer, as we are?

When is a bra not a bra?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 17, 2008 07:17PM)
When they go commando wahooooo

SOOOOO does Doug wear boxers or briefs or commando style?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 08:31PM)
Neither, he wears a cute little pink lace silk thong.


What kind of magician does it take to fool Kyle?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 08:41PM)
One in a pink lace thong?

Where does Kyle go to get his gag lines?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 08:43PM)
To the two bit comics used gag store.


Why has magic made doug daffy?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 08:50PM)
I refuse to answer that on grounds it might incriminate me!
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 17, 2008 09:20PM)
Because he thinks magic only comes from sniffing MAGIC markers.

What makes Photius um......er.......aw.......Photius-ish?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 09:54PM)
I think he's photio sensitive. or is that photiogenic?

Why did Oprah switch to eating an all baby food diet?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 10:38PM)
Because she is so immature that her body reverted back.


What did Photius say to Kyle when Nani choose to run off to tahiti with Kyle?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 17, 2008 11:37PM)
Better you than me, bud...

What do you get when you combine wheat and magicians?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 11:39PM)
The breakfast of world champion bull****ters!

What did one bic lighter say to another?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:39PM)
Gooey magic dough (and I'd never say that to someone running off with MY Nani!)


Why did Nani choose Photius over Kyle as the true love of her life?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 11:40PM)
She couldn't help it. it was a genetic weakness.
What did one bic lighter say to another?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:42PM)
Flick

How many of Photius's tricks does it take to make an act?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 17, 2008 11:43PM)
I'm not so heavy, I'm lighter.

Since when do chilis dance with bananas?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:44PM)
When it became cool to be slick and hot

How many of Photius's tricks does it take to make an act?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 17, 2008 11:44PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-18 00:42, photius wrote:

How many of Photius's tricks does it take to make an act?
[/quote]

Three of his girls...

How does Photius respond to these things so *** fast?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 17, 2008 11:46PM)
Zero. (an act of mercy!)

Where does seinfeld go for his daily workout?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:47PM)
He reads 12000 wpm and types 200 wpm and has a t2 connection

(I'm impressed three girls, hmmmmmm)

Why is Eugene Burger's beard magic but Photius' isn't?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:47PM)
The east river he joined Kramer's swimming club.

Why is Eugene Burger's beard magic but Photius' isn't?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 17, 2008 11:57PM)
Ewwwww - there's a hair in my burger!!!!

OK, I give up - Why is Eugene Burger's beard magic, but Photius' isn't?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 17, 2008 11:59PM)
Because Berger is friends with McBride and Maven, Photius is just one of the Boutons.


What is the funniest way to manipulate a card?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 18, 2008 12:04AM)
Start with a teeny tiny chiropractic table...

Oops - forgot to add a question - give me a moment!
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 18, 2008 12:06AM)
OK, what is the riskiest way to manipulate a card?

[As an aside, you'll all be pleased to know that I successfully performed a signed card to prostate during an exam today!]
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 12:07AM)
In front of a firing squad.

What is the funniest way to manipulate Kyle's balls?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 18, 2008 12:10AM)
When he isn't watching, paint them a different color and then mix them up!

How does one know when it's time to log off of a forum and get some sleep?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 12:11AM)
I haven't a clue. Superman never sleeps.

What is the best way to make magic?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 18, 2008 05:29AM)
The total opposite of the best way to make money..(and friends)

Where does Kyle go when he needs a haircut really bad?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 18, 2008 09:36AM)
I have HAIR!!???? NO WAY!!!!!!


Where does Doug go to get his dancing bananas?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 10:06AM)
Arthur Murray Bananaria


What is the magic word that changes Kyle into a human being?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 10:31AM)
Abracrapdabra.

What's the difference between Photius being awake or asleep?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 18, 2008 10:32AM)
There's a difference?

Why does photius look like the walking dead?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 10:32AM)
Nothing, Photius never sleeps.


Why is a magician like a cold tamalie?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 10:38AM)
Both are worth about $2.

How can you be sure to get your money's worth when hiring a magician?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 10:40AM)
Pay him no more than a quarter.

What was Kyle's greatest trick besides vanishing the family bank account?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 10:47AM)
"Pull my finger"

What is Photius' greatest trick?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 10:50AM)
Making people believe he is a magician


What happens when you lock photius and kyle in the same room for an hour?
Message: Posted by: Dustin Baker (Apr 18, 2008 10:56AM)
"God knows what" and I don't care to ask Him.

What's the difference between an old car and an old man.
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 10:59AM)
The car can be made to run again.

Why did the magician put his assistant into the box?
Message: Posted by: Bridgewater (Apr 18, 2008 11:04AM)
One needs gas, the other dispenses it.

What did Houdini say when he found himself locked in a bathroom stall?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 11:10AM)
Oh Cr*p not again!

Why did the magician put his assistant into the box?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 11:54AM)
I guess as an object lesson. He should have been thinking outside the box.

How many assistants can a magician fit into a box?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 04:27PM)
As many as he needs too, after all, he is a magician.


Why did the magician envy Pam Thompson?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 07:33PM)
Because she gets to talk to Johnny Thompson whenever she wants to.

Why did the magician change his phone number?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 07:36PM)
Because he couldn't remember it.


What is the most elaborate flub that Harry Lorayne ever recovered from?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 18, 2008 07:37PM)
Forgetting where he put his car keys.

What event started Harry Lorayne down his "memory" path?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 07:39PM)
He started to tell me once, but couldn't remember


What is the greatest flub Kyle ever recovered from?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 18, 2008 08:01PM)
Being born?

Wht did one sharp knife in the drawer say to the dull knife?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 08:07PM)
"you're not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?"

How did Daffydoug really get started in magic?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 18, 2008 08:17PM)
Once again, I take the fifth!
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 18, 2008 08:20PM)
Well if you got started in magic like most of us it was more likely after you drank a fifth.
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 18, 2008 10:00PM)
Or after my fifth drink...
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 18, 2008 10:14PM)
From the fifth lota bowl...
Message: Posted by: Dustin Baker (Apr 18, 2008 11:28PM)
I have no idea what we're talking about anymore.

What color is the ugliest animal in the world?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 18, 2008 11:57PM)
Chihuahua

How do you make the ugliest animal in the world vanish?
Message: Posted by: Dustin Baker (Apr 19, 2008 12:00AM)
Use a platapus trap.

By the way, Chihuahua isn't a color

How old is the oldest man alive?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 19, 2008 06:26AM)
I'm not sure, but I hope I'm that old when I'm his age.

what do you get if you cross a chicken with a panda?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 19, 2008 08:31AM)
I'm not sure but I hear KFC is interested.

What do you get if you actually dressed George in a "normal" business suit?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 09:29AM)
The 43rd President of the United States.


What did the magician's assistant do to the audience member that pinched her?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 19, 2008 09:31AM)
Slapped him upside the head and kicked him where the sun don't shine. Great trick.

Why is it funny when people get kicked where the sun don't shine?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 09:33AM)
Cause it makes them think of Kyle.


How many Photius's does it take to make one Kyle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 19, 2008 09:38AM)
Way way too many to even contemplate. I mean it is not easy being a complete lame loser like myself. It takes great skill. =) Besides you need a red jacket any ways.

Why does Kyle wear the red jacket or mystery?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 09:43AM)
Because he can't afford a cloak of invisibility.

Why did the great magician turn kyle's head into a bottle?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 19, 2008 04:59PM)
Because the balloon that is usually there was about to pop.

Why did the magician always fill his balloons with helium?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 05:01PM)
Because the last time he tried using a different gas they threw him in jail.


How did the audience make the magician disappear?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 19, 2008 05:07PM)
By Boo-ing him away.

What is Photius' favorite nursery rhyme?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 05:24PM)
Wee Willie Winkie, makes me think of Kyle.

How did the magician make Niagra Falls flow backwards?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 19, 2008 09:00PM)
By rewinding the tape.

How did the magician get booked at Niagara Falls in the first place?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 19, 2008 09:01PM)
Some bookers will fall for anything...
Where does a camel in a bar have in common with a zebra at the supermarket?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 09:59PM)
They are both lost

How many magicians does it take to recreate Houdini's greatest escape?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 19, 2008 10:01PM)
I have no idea where. Some idea of when. A good idea of how. And won't tell why.

Why did the magician produce a frog from under his Chop Cup?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 10:02PM)
Because he heard it was such a hopping trick.

What did the magician say to the man who picked his pocket?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 19, 2008 10:05PM)
There's more where that came from, Sunshine!

What shapes can you produce from a Square Circle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 10:14PM)
Oblongs, triangles, trapazoids, and parallelograms

What did the magician find when he reached into his squared circle?
Message: Posted by: Dustin Baker (Apr 19, 2008 10:31PM)
A square hole and a round peg.

How many senators does it take to open a - ehem "Massage Parlor"?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 10:36PM)
Zero, because politicians always rub you the wrong way.

What did the magician do when he got the bad news from the IRS?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 19, 2008 10:48PM)
Vanished his tax returns....

What cereal do "little people" love to eat?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 19, 2008 10:56PM)
Wee Tees

Why did the magician's assistant who had an unfortunate accident during the act love her job?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 19, 2008 10:58PM)
She was blonde, of course!

How do baby crocodiles tell time?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 19, 2008 11:00PM)
They naturally tick croc

What did the magician say when he realized he was doing the water escape in a salt water crocodile tank?
Message: Posted by: Dustin Baker (Apr 20, 2008 12:10AM)
OH $%!T

What did the magician say to the heckler?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 12:11AM)
Yeah buddy? and that goes for your stupid crocodile too!

What was Kyle's secondary choice for a jacket color besides fire engine red?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 12:12AM)
Sir, would you come to a point, like your head already has?


What did Blackstone say when the dancing hankerchief danced down his pants?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 12:15AM)
Cut it out. Your'e stealing my show!
What was Kyle's secondary choice for a jacket color besides fire engine red?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 12:17AM)
Ketchup red, he is a man of mono color

How many Blackstones does it take to float a lightbulb?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 11:39AM)
2. One to do the trick and one backstage to inflate him with the helium.

How many Photius' does it take to create a good act?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 11:42AM)
Photius had an act???

The answer is sponge balls square pants.. but what is the question?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 12:22PM)
What magic trick does Sponge Bob Love to perform?

Why is Kyle going to have to spend the day wreaking havoc and getting back to each and every one of you sickos?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 02:37PM)
Because if he doesn't he's soon gonna have TWO days to catch up on!

Where do Television sets go to get there hair done?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 03:00PM)
To daffy dougs TV salon emporium. For wacked out folks with TV's that need a good grooming.

Where does Kyle go to get good torture devices to harm all of you?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 03:28PM)
Photius's dungeon of torture.

Why would Kyle ever do this rather than have fun doing magic?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 03:33PM)
Cause it is much more fun torturing you all as I force you to watch my bad magic.

What would Photius have done if Kyle was not out of the house all day yesterday?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 03:40PM)
Probably had a life.

Why did the magic club ban red jackets?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 03:49PM)
Because no one wanted to be like Kyle.....

Why did Kelly end up sleeping in the spare bedroom?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 03:50PM)
Because she finally woke up to who was in the room with her, and realized it wasn't photius.

Why is kissing Photius like being Kyle's twin sister?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 03:58PM)
Because if you kissed my twin you would be in for a big suprise when you realized HIS name is Ken.

Why is Kyle not getting any dinner tonight?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:02PM)
Because Kelly realized what an emsley count was.

What is Kelly's worst nightmare beside being married to Kyle or potentially married to photius?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:04PM)
Going to the SAM/IBM convention with Doug on one arm and Photius on the other....

What is photius's worst nightmare?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:06PM)
Doug being on Kelly's other arm.

Why is Kyle such a lucky man?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:08PM)
Because he realizes that Kelly could have done way way way better then ME. lol

Why is Kyle still not getting any dinner tonight?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:10PM)
Because in an earlier thread he dissed his beautiful wife's cooking.

What kind of magic will it take to get Kyle dinner?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:15PM)
One in which I do this trick with a credit card that magically ends up at payless Shoe stores. She loves the trick but I am not so thrilled by it.

What does Kelly see in Kyle any ways?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:17PM)
A credit card at Payless

Why doesn't Kyle actually deserve dinner?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:34PM)
Because he needs to learn to cook HIMSELF....
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:37PM)
I would cook for you kelly, masterpieces deserving of an Iron Chef!

(and since you forgot a gag)

What would Photius cook for Kyle, besides his goose?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:37PM)
His beard with the marshmellows still in it.

Why will kelly never be cooking anything for Photius anytime soon?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:39PM)
Because Photius is in Texas and I am in PA.... DUH!

What would Doug, Photius and Kyle do without me to love???
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:39PM)
Because cruel Kyle keeps her locked up and shoeless in a tower.

How many Blackstones does it take to vanish a Kyle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:39PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-20 17:39, poofersmagic wrote:
Because Photius is in Texas and I am in PA.... DUH!

What would Doug, Photius and Kyle do without me to love???
[/quote]

Die

Now back to my previous gag
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:41PM)
Too many Blackstones because I am way to fast for them to ever catch me.

Why is kyle heaving and puking over the toilet rioght now after reading Photius' lame "die" comment?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:44PM)
Because he has nothing better to do than type in gag tag....

What would life be like without kyle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:45PM)
A whole lot better.

Why does the magic fraternity even tolerate Kyle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:46PM)
Boring.. boring and really um boring.

What would life be without Photius to set us straight?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:46PM)
Miserable, completely miserable.

Why did mark give up nani for Kelly?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:48PM)
Cause kelly can bend and flex a heck opf a lot better. wahoooooo!

why will Photius be envious of this and ponder it for hours?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:48PM)
You forgot a gag, Kyley poo. You need more smart pills
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:50PM)
No I did not you big bearded dummy.

Why is Photius so clueless?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:51PM)
See I was right, you forgot a gag. (hey if I'm clueless)

Why did Kelly pluck out Kyle's mustache when his credit card bounced at payless?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:51PM)
Because he watches too many David Blaine TV specials...

What does Mark Wilson and Photius have in common?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:51PM)
Nani!

Back to my last gag
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:53PM)
Because she couldn;t stand having to buy only 50 peairs of black shoes that all look exactly the same any ways.

Why was kyle sitting on a bench outside of payless with Kelly's purse and all Kelly's bags?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 04:53PM)
Because there was nothing left to pluck...(after she spent all his money)

Why doesn't doug have an avatar yet?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:54PM)
Because he refuses to buy shoes for the beautiful kelly and doesn't deserve one.

Why is Kyle always left holding the bag
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:54PM)
Because brainless one celled organisms do not yet have the power to create avatars. Also his mug is so ugly he would be banned from posting.

Why does Kyle love Kelly and adore her for all the greatness and beauty she has?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:56PM)
Because it is true.

Why is the bag over Kyle's head?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 04:58PM)
Because Kelly is not buying a word of what I just said. lol

Why is Kyle still sleeping on the couch tonight?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 04:59PM)
Because Photius has the bedroom.

What does it take to get Kyle a personality?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:00PM)
No money in the world can buy me one.

What does it take to give Photius good looks?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:01PM)
Nothing he already has them.

What does Photius want, that Kyle has, that Kyle won't get, but Photius will?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 05:03PM)
Ummm, let's ask Kelly!

What does Kyle wear when his red jacket is at the dry cleaners?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:05PM)
His red BVDs

Why is Kelly the most desireable woman in the universe?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 05:05PM)
He has never been without that jacket....he would be lost....

Why did I ever get involved with you nut jobs? lol
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:06PM)
Because we can't tear outselves away from your enchanting charms.


Why did doug propose to Kyle?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 05:08PM)
Because birds of a feather....

What religious function would Photius perform at Kyle and Kellys re-speaking of the wedding vows?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 05:08PM)
Because I was not available at the time....

Why did doug accept?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:09PM)
Because doug has no taste and it was better than that dog.

And to dougs, nothing would be said, in Orthodoxy there are no vows.

What does it take to get Photius to act sanely?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 05:12PM)
Um.....

why can't I answer that last one?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:15PM)
Its a trick question, it is impossible.

Why does Kyle really pay the mortgage?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:16PM)
Um because some things in the universe can just not be answered even though we try.

Why is Kelly the smartest person in this thread?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:17PM)
Because she loves photius.

Why is Kyle behind in the payments?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 05:18PM)
Because she married the sexy guy in the red jacket...

Why did photius miss that one?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:19PM)
He didn't, he knows , inspite of the marrage license , who Kelly really loves.

Now back to my previous gag.
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:19PM)
Cause he still is only a one celled organism.

Why must Kelly team up with Kyle against all these other dweebs?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 05:19PM)
Because he was busy preening himself..
Why does Photius long for what he can't have?
Message: Posted by: poofersmagic (Apr 20, 2008 05:20PM)
Because it is all he knows how to do....

Why does Doug care about what Photius longs for?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:21PM)
Because he want's what is left over.

Why is magic the only thing the group of us really has in common?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:22PM)
Because they wouldn;t let us out of the insane asylum long enough to get real hobbies.

What would we all do if we actually could get other hobbies?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:24PM)
Make the whole world of magic a lot better place.

What kind of magician did doug really want to be?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:24PM)
A good one.. but we all know that could never happen

What would happen if we all really had skill?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:30PM)
Mark Wilson, Johnny Thompson, Lance Burton and Mac King would all starve.

How much skill would it take to get even one of us in that league?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:31PM)
There is not enough skill in the world to even bring us up to the level of town fool.

How much skill would it take for us to achieve the status of town fool?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:32PM)
A lot more than the three of us will ever have.

Why did they never name a magic kit after Photius?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:56PM)
Cause the Photius Prestidigitation Packet just did not have a fancy ring to it.

Why should they make a magic kit after Kyle and his greatness?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 05:57PM)
Exactly, why should they.

Which magician created the narciflastic move?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 05:59PM)
Not a very good one.

What would Kyle's magic kit be called?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 06:01PM)
Kyle's Klutzy Krazy Klunky bag o nuttin.

Why would Kelly really like Mac King more than Kyle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 06:22PM)
Kelly says, "because Mac is ten times funnier"

Why is kyle crying and sulking in his own misery?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 06:27PM)
Because he ate his dancing hamburger and now it's all gone?

Where is the best place to hide your magic tricks from Photius?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 06:32PM)
Inside my wife's bra. Cause he ain't never getting that close. hehehehe

Where is the best place to hide a dancing hamburger?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 06:45PM)
Same place cause Kyle ain't getting there either.

How many dancing hamburgers does it take to make a dancing magician?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 06:46PM)
In your dancing stomach!!!
Where does Photius keep his sponge balls?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 06:48PM)
In my square sponge pants, where else?

Why can't kyle dance?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 06:50PM)
For the same reason he can't jump....

who is the person that Kyle cites as the greatest influence on his magical career?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 06:53PM)
My wife. he yelling at me influences me to get my butt out the door and to the gigs. hehehe

Who is Doug's greatest influence?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 06:56PM)
Only Doug Henning! (well, Mark Wilson too!)

What would it take to get Kyle to part with IT?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:04PM)
Depends on what IT is.

Why is Doug obsessed with dancing fruit?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:10PM)
Because he has been struck with madness staring at that d**n banana that hasn't moved in three weeks!

It is whatever you wish in this case! Have at it!
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:12PM)
Um what is the next gag Dougy poo?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:21PM)
What really makes Dougy GAG????
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:26PM)
Eating dancing bananas that have not been cooked first.

What was Kyle's second choice before he selected the red jacket of mystery?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:27PM)
The blue pants of geekdom!

How do you get a Photius out of tree??
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:32PM)
Have Kelly standing underneath with a chain saw. lol

How do you get Doug out of the house?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:34PM)
Well, I think part of the answer has something to do with pulling the plug on his dang PC!!!

What is Photius' most famous one liner?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:38PM)
I want NANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What is Kyle's favorite saying to Kelly?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:39PM)
I lust you! (oops! I mean I luv you!)
How do you keep photius' temperature and blood pressure within normal range?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 07:42PM)
Make sure nani and Kelly are in Alaska and he is in Antartica.

How do you make Kyle smile?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 07:50PM)
Make a sick joke about Photius, of course!

How do you make Photius smile?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 08:07PM)
Show pics of nani and tell him he can keep them.

What makes Doug Smile?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 08:09PM)
Coming up with a Zinger about Photius!!!

What makes Photius frown?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 08:12PM)
Looking in a mirror ... hehehe I feel good about that one.

What is Photius' favorite trick?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 08:19PM)
His rising magic wand trick.
What does it take to give Photius a good "charge"?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 08:26PM)
About 1,500 volts. That usually does it.

What is Photius' favorite sport?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 08:34PM)
Nani

What makes a magician turn red in front of his audience?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 20, 2008 08:39PM)
The [i]impromptu[/i] rising magic wand trick?

What makes a magician turn [i]blue[/i] in front of an audience?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 20, 2008 08:40PM)
When the old water escape doesn't work.


Why is daffy doug like Doug Henning?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 20, 2008 10:20PM)
Always smiling!

Why is Photius like David Copperfield?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 10:26PM)
Knows when to vanish

Why is Kyle fascinated with red?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 20, 2008 11:04PM)
Kyle is a part of the communist plot.

Why do magicians produce rabbits, when they do the job well enough for themselves?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 20, 2008 11:18PM)
Because rabbits don't look good in tuxedos.

Why do magicians use top hats any ways?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 12:15AM)
Those are the only hats large enough to hold their egos.

When the magician found no rabbit in his hat, what did he find?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 21, 2008 09:37AM)
A sign that said "Out to lunch"

What restaurant did the rabbit go to?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 21, 2008 09:43AM)
The one that specialized in salads.

How come a magician has never been able to pull Bugs Bunny from a hat?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 11:15AM)
Because he never bought any updoc.

Why did the rabbit eat his magician?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 12:39PM)
Because if he had to see Photius' bad show one more time, he was bound to go insane.

What other animal was decided upon before the rabbit as a symbol for magic?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 21, 2008 01:17PM)
Tasmanian Devil.

What did the rabbit say as he pulled a magician from the top hat?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 02:49PM)
I don't know my own strength.

Why did Bullwinkle stink at magic?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 21, 2008 03:03PM)
Because he teamed up with Rocky thinking he was a raccoon - instead of a flying squirrel.

How many secret pockets does Kyle need in his Red Coat of Mystery?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 03:14PM)
100. 1 for magic and 99 others to hold credit cards my wife thinks she needs. hehehe

Why does Photius want Kyle's Red Coat of Mystery?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 21, 2008 03:38PM)
To be the recipient of its awesome power.

Why will Photius never get Kyle's Red Coat of Mystery?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 03:43PM)
Because Photius just does not have the desired looks and strength and mental stability needed to wear such a fine and powerful garment.

What does Photius wear to his magic show performances?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:15PM)
A big smile.

Why does Kyle insist on making his wife buy cheap shoes when he knows she deserves the best?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 06:27PM)
He's trying to make up for a dysfunctional childhood...

What is Kyle's favorite comeback when people laugh at his red jacket?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:34PM)
Stop laughing or I'll stick beans up my nose and cry.

How many nights a year does Kyle sleep on the couch?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 06:37PM)
Wouldn't it be easier to ask how many does he NOT sleep on the couch???
How does a man like Kyle coax his wife into joining him in the madness of this thread?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:39PM)
They same way he gets any woman to pay any attention to him, pure hard cash.

How many of Kyle's balls are signed?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 06:47PM)
Kyle plays golf? She signs them? I'll bet that make his putter stand up!

What do Photius and Doug do to AVOID getting killed by kyle when he comes back and reads how we have torn him up?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 06:48PM)
All of them. Everyone wants my autograph. ok ok no one wants it but I force it on them any ways. =)

Why does Kelly put up with me?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:49PM)
Everyone needs a mercy case.

Why is Kyle so pitiful?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 06:55PM)
Because Kelly keeps signing his balls way too hard. OUCH lol

Why is Photius so jealous of Kyle and everything he has?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:57PM)
Because Kyle has nothing and photius always wanted to take a vow of poverty.

Why does Kelly have a secret bank account?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 06:57PM)
Product of a dysfunctional upbringing?...

Where can Photius and Doug go to get [i]their[/i] balls signed like their hero Kyle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 06:59PM)
Photius already as tons of signed balls, doug has none

Now back to my last gag
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:00PM)
Kelly has a secret bank accoutn because she knows all our clients give her the check any ways.

You can get your own balls signed by a lady named Big Bertha down in Camden, NJ. You go down this dark alley and pay 30 bucks and do not ask any questions.

Why do Doug and Photius want their balls signed any ways?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 07:01PM)
Like I said, Photius already has plenty of signed balls, it is doug who has no balls.

Why does Kelly send Photius a big check every month?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:06PM)
To keep Photius from stalking her.

Why is Kelly sharpening knives in the kitchen?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 07:07PM)
She's thinking Arbys?

Where does Kyle run to hide from Kelly's wrath?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 07:07PM)
Cause Kelly has him chained in there until he learns to cook and he is working on cutting off one of his legs to escape.

Why is Kyle doomed as a husband?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:25PM)
Cause he was doomed frokm the moment he met this lady named kelly. lol

Why is Kyle going to get kicked in the nuts?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 07:27PM)
It is my favorite target.

How long will it take Kyle to recover from Photius's kick?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 07:33PM)
Well about three shakes of a dead lambs tail.

What will happen if Kyle decides to kick back, HARD?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 07:34PM)
Photius will send him flying back about 40 feet landing on his head.

Why did Kyle ever get into magic in the first place?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:40PM)
Because everyone else SUCKS!!!

Why is Kyle so good?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 07:44PM)
His magic mirror tells him so?

When is Photius going to learn he can't beat Kyle in a verbal spar?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:48PM)
Never as he is blind to my greatness.

When will Photius stop dreaming of the lovely Kelly?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 07:50PM)
When will pigs fly????

When will kelly get tired and turn Photius in for harrasement?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 07:51PM)
Never as she enjoys the comedy entertainment.

Why will Kelly not let Kyle shave off his mustache?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 07:55PM)
Milk catcher, French tickler..those things are quite utilitarian!

When will Photius realize that having a hairy face does not make him kyle's equal in her sight?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 08:32PM)
When he finally stops staring at the dancing fruit and looks in the mirror. hehehe

Why is it so much fun to tease Photius?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 08:43PM)
Because we're two sick puppies!

What will it take for Photius to FINALLY even up the score?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 08:52PM)
A bazooka aimed at our nuts. lol

Why won't he ever come close to that?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:02PM)
Because his bazooka blew out a looooong time ago.

Does Photius religious position proscribe him from lusting after Kyle's beautiful wife?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:05PM)
I don't lust after her. Look up lust.

Why is kyle's comebacks always much better than doug's?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 09:12PM)
Because I am a 2 celled organism and Doug is obviously only one celled.

Why will Photius and Kyle always have to teach Doug everything?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:13PM)
He's teachable? well live and learn


Why will the magic of Kyle an Photius live forever, but the magic of doug will limp into oblivion?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:16PM)
Doug has not known limpness for a long, long time!!

Why does Photius use big words like oblivian?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:17PM)
Three doctoral degrees will do that to you.

What is magical about Kyle anyway?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:21PM)
Kyle who?

Why do we spend all our time here on the Café?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:22PM)
Cause we got no place else to go, they won't let us out of our rubber rooms.


What is so magical about Kelly?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:23PM)
Kelly who?

When will they ban us from the Café?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Apr 21, 2008 09:25PM)
What Café?

What is so magical about the Café?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:25PM)
I understand work is already underway on you, as for me and Kyle the jury is still out.


What magical entertainment most amuses Kelly (and don't answer kelly who?)
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:27PM)
Kyle's rising magic wand trick

Which of kelly's tricks most amuses Kyle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:28PM)
Her vanishing off to be with photius trick.

How many cups does Kyle have for his balls?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 09:32PM)
I thought Kyle manipulated thimbles.

Where does Kyle have his red jacket dry cleaned?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:36PM)
Because his head grows so much each time he wears it, he is afraid if he wet cleaned it that it would shrink.


What does Tomh really have behind those cards?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:36PM)
In Mr Rogers neighborhood?

Where does Kyle go when his red jacket is in danger of being stolen?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:38PM)
Back into his rubber room

Why won't doug buy that dog a real bone to chew on?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 09:43PM)
They'd have to share?

Why do I have that horrible lighting behind me in my avatar photograph?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:45PM)
You got a lousy photographer

why is tomh wearing white pants?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 09:48PM)
Because without them he'll be streaking through the Café?

Where does tomh go for his best gag lines?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 09:49PM)
He steals them from Kyle

Where does Photius go for good humor?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 09:49PM)
Anywhere but this thread.

What is the most magical gag line Kyle has ever said?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 09:54PM)
I am going to bed. lol

What is he best thing any of us could ever do?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 09:55PM)
Say goodnight to Kyle.

Now that he's gone, what does Kyle wear to bed?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 09:57PM)
Absolutely NOTHING..

Why do you think Kelly loves me so much?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 10:02PM)
Because Photius asks her to act that way?

What is red and yellow and smells like moths?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 10:04PM)
Kyle wearing his jacket way too long.

What is black and white and plays with 3 giant cards near a window?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 10:05PM)
Actually, the jacket was blue.

What game show was I hosting in my avatar picture?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 10:06PM)
Name that Ace?

What gameshow would Kyle like to host the most?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 10:08PM)
To Say the Least.

What game show host does Kyle look like?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 10:09PM)
Name that jacket!

Where does Kyle go to buy the balls for his cups and balls?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 21, 2008 10:18PM)
Balls r us?

Where does Doug go to get Daffy?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 21, 2008 10:21PM)
It is all in his little Daffy head.

Where does Photius go for a night out with the boys?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 10:24PM)
I'm not touching a boys & collar joke. I respect Photius too much.

Where does Photius go for a night out with Kelly?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 11:25PM)
We will never tell, that is our little secret.

What does Kyle dream about when he sleeps?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 21, 2008 11:35PM)
Kyle dreams of hair, and talent and applause. Yet....

What does Kyle REALLY have nightmares about?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 21, 2008 11:38PM)
That Kelly and Nani both really do love photius.

If Kyle is a magician , why can't he make more hair appear on his head?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 22, 2008 09:08AM)
He does a better job than Harris , said Nigel the puppet that Rocks...

After the vanish, where did Harris hair, re-appear?, asked Nigel.
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 22, 2008 09:32AM)
On Photius' face.

How can you tell when a magician is lying to his audience?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:16AM)
Cause Photius shows up and points at you with his evil grin.

What REALLY is underneath Photius' mystery beard?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 22, 2008 11:14AM)
Acne. Which at his age can be pretty embarrassing.

What do the avatars of the last five posters have in common?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 12:23PM)
None of them Nani Darnell in them.


Why is it called magic when Kyle says abracadabra and something disappears, but isn't magic when he sets something down then can't find it?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 22, 2008 12:40PM)
Words used for "lost objects" are not as magical.

Where does your sense of humor go?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 12:46PM)
To the Good Humor company.


Why do ventriloquist always seem to be speechless?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 22, 2008 01:08PM)
A. great technique
b. trick photography
c.Some forget to trim their mustache(s)
d. great editing
e. great script writing
f. radio work (one of my earlier puppets had a spot on a weekly radio program..they never saw my lips move ..hee hee.)

Where does a 4 bit magician get his ideas?(aside..what is the difference between a 2 and 4 bit entertainer....steping back inside...hd
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 01:23PM)
From an old 50 cent paperback magic book.

What did the magician load in his pants?
Message: Posted by: harris (Apr 22, 2008 01:35PM)
Bad Breath.....(where are my altoids)

What do you get when you are so out of breath that you pant again?(twice that is)
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 03:46PM)
Two pair of pants

Why does Nigel get all the good lines?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 22, 2008 04:21PM)
Because we feel sorry for him for being named Nigel.

What do you get when you cross a magician with a pelican?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 04:23PM)
I don't know, but it sure can perform a killer version of pulling fish out of a hat!

What do you get when you cross a fish with photius?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 04:23PM)
A magician with a heck of a built in dark well.


Why is Kyle without his jacket like Stoneunhinged without his hat?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 22, 2008 05:32PM)
It would be like the Lone Ranger without his mask.

What button is missing from Kyle's Red Coat of Mystery?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 05:34PM)
The panic button...

What do you get when you cross Houdini with Photius?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 22, 2008 05:36PM)
A man of the cloth that never gets locked out of the sanctuary.

What do you get when you cross Houdini with daffydoug?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 05:38PM)
A super breed of magician/escape artist, jester that has never been seen before, of course!

What do you get when you cross Kyle's red jacket with Photius' beard?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 06:33PM)
A badly torn up and destroyed jacket.

Why would you never be able to cross photius with houdini?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 22, 2008 07:00PM)
Because Houdini is dead.

Why would you never be able to cross Kyle with Bob the Tomato?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 07:14PM)
Because bob has better taste.

How many bumbling magicians does it take to make one Photius?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 22, 2008 07:25PM)
Two. One to do the show. The other to screw in the light bulb.

Why do magicians no longer wear top hats?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 07:41PM)
Somwhere along the line, they discovered that all that bunny poop in their hair was not exactly their idea of fun!

What do you get when you cross Photius with Jerry Seinfeld?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 22, 2008 07:44PM)
A man of the cloth who can roll a Fiat.

What kind of car does Kyle drive?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 08:01PM)
They still let them drive after they have been released?

What do you get when you cross Kyle's red jacket with a bowl of spaghetti?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 22, 2008 08:10PM)
Spoiled spaghetti.

What does Kyle produce from his square circle?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:12PM)
Nothing, he's not much of a magician.

How many times does Kelly have to call Kyle to dinner?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 09:16PM)
As many as it takes to tear him away from locking himself in the bathroom!

What is Kyle's favorite Kelly meal?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:21PM)
It darn well better anything that beautiful lady sets in front of his miserable hyde.


How does Photius make a quarter vanish?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:38PM)
By giving it to Kyle to prevent Kyle from kicking him in the BEEP!

What should Kyle do when he has a gig to prevent you people from going nutso?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:39PM)
Give up magic and stay home on the puter.


Why did Kyle wear a bunny (playboy style) suit to his wedding?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 09:40PM)
Money would be nice..... (heh, heh!)

What does Kyle use to bribe Kelly into letting off that couch?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:41PM)
Credit cards and shoes

Why do women love shoes so much?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:41PM)
They use them to kick their husbands petard.

Now back to my last gag
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:43PM)
Kelly likes bunnys

Why do buunies not like getting into hats?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:44PM)
Because the smell of kyle's dandruff makes them sick.

What is the 3rd greatest trick Kyle ever did?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:45PM)
Kicking Photius in the gnads

why was it funny to watch?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 09:45PM)
They much prefer shorts

Why do rabbits love carrots so much?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:46PM)
Cause they dance

Why is doug sniffing markers again?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:46PM)
Because when he finished, Photius crammed him into a trash can and sent him rolling down into th Los Angeles river.

Rabbits love carrots because they remind them of Kyle's nose.

How did Kyle make doug disappear?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 09:48PM)
Flashed something Doug did not care to look at!
What do Kyle's magic and Photius' beard have in common?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 09:48PM)
Big tony, bag of cement, river and no questions

what is the mobs favorite magician?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 09:49PM)
Both are occupational necessities


How did Kyle finish 3rd in a magic competition that only had two entries?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:02PM)
Kyle did not want to hurt the others feelings and dropped out

What was Doug's first magic name
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:04PM)
Penelope Quamquish


What is the secret to winning magic competitions for Kyle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:05PM)
Bribing all the othersand hoping they don't show up. lol

Why is Kyle just so sexy?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 10:05PM)
Be the guy who sponsors them...

What was Kyle's bring down the house trick in his last show?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:07PM)
The flaming rabbit of death trick gone horribly wrong

why doesDoug want to be like Kyle
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:08PM)
Because it is impossible for anyone to even come close to being like Photius


What was Kelly's greatest trick before she met Kyle?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 10:09PM)
I want a Mr happy jacket all my own some day!

What do you get when you cross Photius with Fat Albert?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:09PM)
Getting people to eat her food. hehehe

Why is Kyle going to get it?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:14PM)
One mean big dude, and for Kyle You skanked her food in a public forum again, won't you ever learn boy?

What is Kelly going to do to Kyle this time?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:24PM)
Couch for the rest of my life

Why is Kyle going to buy a second couch?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:26PM)
Just so he can have an occassional change

Why is Kyle the greatest sport on the Café?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:28PM)
Because he putsup with all of you lol

Why would it bea blast if weall finally met?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:29PM)
Because Kyle and I have a few scores to settle with Douggie boy.


What did Kyle say to me the first time he met me?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 10:31PM)
Hey baby, wanna buy a watch?
Where would Doug, Kyle and Photius all meet at?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:32PM)
The gag tag gift shop

Why should Doug be worried if Photius and Kyle met him?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:39PM)
He shouldn't he already met photius, and he knows how we both feel about douggy the dogbiscuit boy.


Why does Photius always miss out on getting a magic Café sticker at conventions?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:41PM)
Because he is not nice enough to Kyle who hasthem all.

What will Photius have to do to get one?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:43PM)
French Kiss Kelly, just like he did the time he got one at last year's SAM.

Why did Kyle not know that?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:51PM)
Hewas too busy lecturing lol

Why must Kyle endure so much from all of you?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 10:53PM)
Because he wuvs us!!!

Where will Kyle go from here now that he has reached the top?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:54PM)
Disney world to ride all rides 10,000 times

What else should I do to celebrate?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 10:54PM)
Only one way to go........down

Why is Kyle reaching the eternal order like Christmas?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 10:55PM)
Becausehe hasnothing else better to do lol

what would he do if he had a life?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 10:56PM)
Because all the little elves under him celebrate!

When will Kelly join him in his great conquest?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 22, 2008 11:06PM)
When she wakes up.

Why will she not care that much? lol
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 11:07PM)
Because she is dreaming of Photius.


What is the curse of the Eternal Order?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 11:08PM)
We get to share a position with Kyle! Eeeeeeew!

Dos Kelly seem impressed by her husbands accomplishment?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 22, 2008 11:09PM)
She never has been before, only Photius impresses her.


Why is doug still awake?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 22, 2008 11:10PM)
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 22, 2008 11:18PM)
Doug's mind is probably keener than ever.

With what toy/doll does Doug sleep?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 23, 2008 12:53AM)
He sleeps with the fishes (dolls given to him by his godfather).

What can a magician do with a fish?
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Apr 23, 2008 08:20AM)
Fry it with a cod trick.

What do you get if you cross an alarm clock with a parrot?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 08:39AM)
A parrot who knows it is time for a cracker

What do you get if you cross Photius with George's hat?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:01AM)
A great looking magician in George's hat.


What do you get if Kyle gives up magic?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 10:35AM)
A world lost without any real magic. A world that ceases to be entertained. A world full of sadness and dispare because there is just nothing left to lift their spirits. A miserable world doomed for decay.

What would you get if Photius actually practiced?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:37AM)
A third Bouton making it big in magic. (Well 4th if you count Uncle Pete)

What kind of magic can you do on top of the Empire State Building while batting down airplanes?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 23, 2008 11:20AM)
Big Monkey Magic.

During which trick did the monkey assist the magician?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 01:30PM)
Do as I do, when Kyle was performing.

What do you get when you cross a monkey and a rabbit?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 02:17PM)
I don't know but it didn't want to fit in the hat and the kids wouldn't pet it.

What would happen if Photius nwas actually good at magic?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 23, 2008 03:27PM)
Chuck Norris would be jealous.

What would happen if Kyle was actually good at magic?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 03:30PM)
People would faint and think hell froze over.

What would Larry do if he did not have those giant cards?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 23, 2008 03:39PM)
Hide his "FUNKY" elbow behind some flowers?

How do it get so "FUNKY"?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 03:42PM)
You would have Funky Elbow too if you had to hold those cards every single day in that avatar.

What would happen if Avatars came to life at night?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 04:41PM)
We'd all be in BIG trouble
What do you get when you cross Photius with a popsicle?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 05:22PM)
A guy with a sticky beard and sticks dangling from it. I call that ART.

What is the new theme for Photius' new act?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 05:26PM)
A new Way to beat insomnia!

How would Photius fare performing his act in front of 10,000 chimpanzees?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 06:08PM)
The Chimps would look at him and laugh and laugh and laugh.

What FINALLY made Doug put up an Avatar?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:13PM)
He LOVES torturing you guys!

What would Photius say if he had to change avatars with Daffy Doug?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 23, 2008 06:16PM)
OMG you have gone as red as Kyles red jacket of mystery aghhh aghhhh

What Made Doug so jealous of Kyle's red jacket that he chose that color for his avatar background?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:18PM)
Doug takes fifth....
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 06:28PM)
Doug drinks the fifth.

Who put rum in the lota bowl?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:29PM)
*hic* whut lota bowl?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 06:49PM)
He's always secretly wanted to be Kyle.

Why would Photius be delighted when the chimps laughed at him?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:52PM)
It's nice to know you got cousin's in the world?

Where would Daff stash his cash if he knew y'all were about to steal it?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 06:52PM)
He knew eventually he could provide entertainment for Kyle's kids.

What do you get when you cross Doug with a vegetable?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:54PM)
A turnip that STILL wishes it had hair??

What do you get when you cross a carrot with Kyle's red jacket?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 06:55PM)
Two vegetables.
and for doug: In kyle's red jacket, cause nobody would ever put there hand in that.

What are the similarities between Photius and a baboon?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 06:56PM)
Actually, I don't CARROT all.

Name something red and disgusting.
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 06:57PM)
Kyle

now back to my last gag
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 06:58PM)
Kyle's red jacket when he is sitting "on the throne" Peeeuwee!

Name something even more disgusting than a stinky Kyle red jacket!
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 07:06PM)
Kyle's magic act.

Name something 9 out of 10 ogres find disgusting.
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 07:08PM)
Kyle kissing Photius!

What do Santa Clause and Kyle have in common?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 07:13PM)
A red suit. But Santa has the taste to only wear it one day of the year.

What did Kyle get in his Christmas stocking?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 07:15PM)
A note from Santa telling him to lay off the red suits! (or his attorney would be in touch!)

What did kyle WISH for under the Christmas tree?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 09:23PM)
To get Kelly back from Photius.

Would you rather see Kelly kissing Kyle, Photius or Santa Claus?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 09:27PM)
To heck with Kyle....let's bring old saint Nick into the picture! That beard would be quite a challenge for her to get around!

WYR find in your Christmas stocking lint from Kyle's jacket, or beard hairs from Photius's beard?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 09:33PM)
With the samples from Kyle's jacket, we might find a cure.

What strange things might be found in Photius' beard?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 09:35PM)
WYR?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 10:19PM)
I'd rather not do this again.

Would you rather be humiliated several times in one group

or

Would you rather be forced to wear the same red jacket for years?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 10:22PM)
I'll leave the red jacket signature to Kyle..it's his original idea, and we don't want to steal his stchick, do we? So humiliate me....I can take it... I'm macho...

WYR have all you can eat FREE at Baskin Robbins, or at the "outback Steak House"?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:23PM)
Oh humilated several times would be much greater than being humilated perpetually by a red jacket.

Hey this isn't the WYR thread, wake up doug!

What are the similarities between Photius and a Baboon?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 10:25PM)
We're sorry Photius..it was [i]your[/i] idea..the baboon wins!

WYR have all you can eat FREE at Baskin Robbins, or at the "outback Steak House"?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:26PM)
This is gag tag, doug, not WYR, wake up ur in the wrong thread.
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 10:26PM)
Macho Macho man...I'd rather eat free at Baskin Robbins...till I get brain freeze.

What do you do with a cyogenically frozen person during a long blackout?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 10:28PM)
[quote]
On 2008-04-23 23:26, photius wrote:
This is gag tag, doug, not WYR, wake up ur in the wrong thread.
[/quote]
Oh God, I am soooo tired....
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 23, 2008 10:36PM)
Let us put you into the long cryogenic sleep. You won't feel a thing, buddy. Just relax.




Good. Now that he's asleep, what shall we do to mess with Doug?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:38PM)
You have to do anything to mess with doug?

Why have we been picking on Kyle when Doug is so much easier?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 23, 2008 10:42PM)
At least you didn't say sleazier...
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 23, 2008 10:43PM)
At least you could come back with a gag.
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 24, 2008 09:23AM)
We pick on Kyle because of the Red Coat of Mystery. (Notice the red in a lot of avatars lately?)

Where exactly is daffydoug putting those huge bills?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 24, 2008 10:49AM)
Into his specially designed jock strap topit. There's LOTS of room in it.

Why do magicians from El Paso always keep their distance from magicians from Cleveland?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 24, 2008 12:34PM)
Because if the el paso magicians blow a big one (due to the food) it could get real nasty and you do NOT want to be standing to close when that happens.

Whay are magician and fart jokes pretty much the same?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 12:35PM)
Because Cleveland is 1751.5 miles from El Paso, it is pretty easy to do.

Why would a magician in a red jacket reach for a rabbit in Stoneunhinged's hat?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 24, 2008 01:11PM)
Because Kyle was hungry - and there were no more burgers.

How does Photius incorporate his beard into his magic act?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 24, 2008 01:39PM)
He produces eggs and rabbits from it.

What does Photius have in common with Tom Cruise?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 02:05PM)
Neither of us is in love with Rosie O'Donnel.

How many rings do you have to link to gether to make a chain that will circle Doug's head?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 24, 2008 02:20PM)
72.


What do you get when you cross a Greek Orthodox priest with a John Wayne wannabe?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 02:22PM)
A Pilgrim who knows where he's going, wa ha ha ha.

What do you get when you actually give photius a real act?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 24, 2008 02:33PM)
A good night's sleep.

Wa ha ha ha!

What is the difference between a Greek Orthodox priest, a magician, and a sponge?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 02:54PM)
Nothing, I'm all three.

What does it cost you when Photius sponges off of you?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 24, 2008 03:11PM)
Whatever it is, it's gonna be very, um, [i]painfull[/i], knowhutimeen?

What do you get when you cross Photius with Sponge Bob Square Pants?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 24, 2008 03:38PM)
A magician that swims with the fishes.

Why does Photius go Wa ha ha ha?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 04:21PM)
Doing his JOhn Wayne impression.

Why does photius only do magic south of the border?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 24, 2008 10:09PM)
Because he don't know beans.

What did Photius reveal in his chop cup act?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 10:11PM)
Oh that one was a winner, I gotta write that one down.
What did I reveal in my chop cup act, Chuck Norris in a chop sockie movie

Why do magicians run in Photius's family?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 24, 2008 10:23PM)
Probably because Photius bakes Exlax in their brownies!

Why do Kyle's relatives hide when they see him coming?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 24, 2008 10:27PM)
They probably owe Kyle money.

Where does Kyle keep his money?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 24, 2008 10:35PM)
Wherever Kelly lets him...

What does kelly do to try to coax kyle to come to dinner?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 24, 2008 11:04PM)
Coax? Why should the lovely Kelly have to coax Kyle to come to dinner? If he doesn't come, let him starve.

Who gets Kyle's dinner when he doesn't come?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 11:48PM)
Doug's dog, get it, besides he is much more appreciative of Kelly's cooking that Kyle is anyway.

Why is Kyle never late for dinner?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 24, 2008 11:56PM)
It's a dog eat Doug world.

What does Doug eat for dinner?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 24, 2008 11:59PM)
What ever the dog lets him eat.

Why does doug have only four bills?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 12:03AM)
He paid the rest.

Which four bills does Doug need to pay?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 12:12AM)
Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Bill de Cat, and Bill Bobaggins.

Why does Kyle never accept money from Doug?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 12:43AM)
Kyle does not earn any money.

Why does Kyle perform the Miser's Dream?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 07:50AM)
Because he is the miser. (Just ask Kelly)

What is the greatest trick pulled off by IBM/SAM?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 08:56AM)
$495 Combined Convention registration fee.

How likely am I to get my money's worth?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 09:22AM)
Looking at the line up, if you make most of the lectures, probably pretty likely to get more than your money's worth. Now travel and hotel, well, that will set you back enough for 4 conventions.

How is Kyle like Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 09:35AM)
They used to laugh and call him names.

What is Photius' favorite reindeer trick?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 10:20AM)
Pulling coins from behind their antlers and other reindeer games.

What Christmas song does Kyle hate to sing?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 11:13AM)
Kyle the flat nosed rainmoose.

What was the first magic trick Kyle ever got for Christmas
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 25, 2008 12:16PM)
A pamphlet written by Photius called "Booger Production Techniques".

What did Kyle mistakenly hang on the Christmas tree in December of 2000?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 01:06PM)
His silk lace panties.

How thick are the walls in the rubber room that holds Kyle, Photius, and Doug?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 01:24PM)
Not thick enough - I still hear moans and groans through the wall from time to time.

What is the official medical diagnosis of Kyle, Photius and Doug?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 01:26PM)
Chronic overmagishitis

What was the first trick Photius ever blew in front of an audience.
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 25, 2008 01:55PM)
The "pull my finger" trick.

How is it that rabbits and doves are used in magic tricks, but not skunks and ducks?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 02:09PM)
Ducks are, and if you think skunks are not used in magic acts, you have never smelled Doug's act.


Why can't Kyle do the 21 card trick?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 25, 2008 02:45PM)
Because he can only count to ten.

What is the difference between a safety razor and a toothpick?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 02:53PM)
You can't use a safety razor to keep your eyes open during Doug's act.

Why did Kyle's Razor Blade act go wrong?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 25, 2008 03:22PM)
The darn kid swallowed them insstead of just putting them and the thread in like I told him to. lol

Why is Kyle just soooo good with kids?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 25, 2008 03:29PM)
Pederasty jokes don't belong at the Café, so...

...Uh....because...uh...

...Kids like red jackets?

Why does Kyle have four balls in his right hand?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 04:16PM)
Because he is right-handed.

Is stoneunhinged looking over or through his glasses in his avatar?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 25, 2008 04:19PM)
Actually Nani Darnell walked by in a bikini and the glasses fogged up. That was until he realized it wasn;t nani at all but Photius in a bikini.

What would you do if you saw Photius wearing a bikini?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 05:48PM)
I can't see!

Luckily, I can type with my eyes shut.

Why did Kyle steal Kelly's bikini?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 06:19PM)
He wanted it for himself.

What did Kelly say when she saw him in it?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 06:50PM)
When will you stop wearing my clothes?


What is Kyle's greatest weakness?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 25, 2008 07:39PM)
A one pound dumbbell

What does Kyle say when he heads for the gym for his workout?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 07:40PM)
Sixteen tons and what do you get....


What is the brightest magical idea daffydoug has ever had?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 25, 2008 07:42PM)
Probably to quit while he is ahead...

What makes Kyle most Jealous of Daffy's magic show?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 25, 2008 07:43PM)
That Daffy can actually do some magic.

What keeps Kyle grinning like a cheshire cat?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 25, 2008 07:45PM)
When Kelly's away, the cat will play...

What do you get when you cross Kyle's magic act with David Copperfield's magic act?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 07:57PM)
A show with half the magic, half the music and half the entertainment.

Why did Kyle cross the road?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 25, 2008 08:26PM)
To get to David Copperfield's act on the other side....

How does Kyle top the vanishing Statue of Liberty act?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 08:45PM)
By sitting on top of the Statue of Liberty in his underwear.

Which brand of underwear does Kyle wear?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 25, 2008 08:52PM)
Haines House of Underwear.

Why doesn't Kyle wear a top hat?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 25, 2008 09:54PM)
Because the rabbit gets upset messing with his bachelor pad.

Why doesn't Doug wear any clothes?
Message: Posted by: ERIC (Apr 25, 2008 10:00PM)
Thanks Kyle, now I'm blind!

Why did Kyle ask such a question?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 25, 2008 10:05PM)
Kyle loves those Victor's Secret catalogs, figuring they will teach him magic.

Where else does Kyle go to find his magical "secrets"?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 08:55AM)
Modern Bride Magazine

What do you call a magic club that has Kyle as president, Photius as secretary, and Daffydoug as treasurer?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 26, 2008 09:23AM)
The Bell View Magic Circle

What do you call a magic club that refuses to admit Kyle, Photius, or Daffydoug as members?
Message: Posted by: magic4u02 (Apr 26, 2008 10:54AM)
A smart one lol

What would Kyle's first order be if he was made President?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 26, 2008 10:55AM)
To get his butthole unsewn.

What would Kyle's second order be if he were made President?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 11:46AM)
To make stoneunhinged a lifetime member.

What would the dues for this magic club be?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 26, 2008 05:42PM)
$1 per year + all you can eat.

What secret fraternity will be started by us nut-jobs on this thread?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 05:55PM)
The invisible mystic knights of the loons lodge.


Why could the magician only work in air conditioned rooms?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 06:57PM)
He was a mentalist and enjoyed doing cold readings.

How did the mentalist read Doug's mind?
Message: Posted by: Larry Bean (Apr 26, 2008 08:08PM)
He didn't - he kept drawing a blank.

What were the loony magician's favorite magical words?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 08:31PM)
Have a banana.

Where does Kyle keep his banana?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 08:49PM)
In the refrigerator and doesn't take it out without Kelly's permission.

What is the secret password for entry into the Mystic Knights of the loons lodge?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 09:22PM)
Uhhhhh...And it opens!

What is behind door number one?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 09:26PM)
We don't know, nobody can remember where we put the key.


How is Daffydoug like the Verger in the Vicar of Dibley?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 09:40PM)
He could drive the most saintly person to murder?

What does Daffydoug drive?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 09:41PM)
Saintly people to murder.


What did Kyle use for his first magic wand?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 09:51PM)
A Q-Tip.

Wbhat did Kyle produce with his first magic wand?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 09:53PM)
A little poopy in his diaper.

When did Photius fall in love with Nani Darnell?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 10:24PM)
When Nani was still underage for Photius.

When did Kyle get his red jacket?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 26, 2008 10:27PM)
About 50 years after Photius fell for Nani (1953).

What does Kyle's jacket smell like?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 26, 2008 10:39PM)
Depends on whether it has a cold or not..
Why does Kelly enjoy sniffing Kyle's jacket?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 10:55PM)
Other than his money...none. Who could blame Kelly?

Where does Kyle waste his money that the lovely Kelly deserves?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 26, 2008 10:56PM)
On things he secretly uses in the bathroom....

Why is Kelly jealous of Kyle's bathroom toys?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 10:58PM)
Kelly is way cuter than a duck.

Where did Kyle get his bathtub duck?
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (Apr 26, 2008 11:00PM)
Same place he got his bathtub quacker whacker..

Why is Photius jealous of Kyle's bathtub quacker whacker?
Message: Posted by: magicoftomh (Apr 26, 2008 11:07PM)
Ducks can find water. In his area, Photius cannot.

In the deep southern region, how does Photius find water?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 27, 2008 02:02AM)
He drinks a gallon of Kool-Aid.

What does "Photius" mean as a verb?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 27, 2008 02:02AM)
He wrings the sweat from his clothes and desalinates it.

For what crime was the desalinator accused?
Message: Posted by: jocdoc (Apr 27, 2008 02:03AM)
What does "Photius" mean as a verb? To flash us.

For what crime was the desalinator accused?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 27, 2008 03:14AM)
Photius means bearer of light as a verb. As for the desalinator he was accused of too much pepper and not enough salt.

What did the magician find in his break away dove box when it broke away?
Message: Posted by: stoneunhinged (Apr 27, 2008 06:00AM)
A rabbit?

(Ah, Photius, I love you buddy, but a "bearer" (of light or anything else) would be a noun and not a verb. Obviously a Photius is one who Photes, or a Photer. It's not in my Liddell & Scott, but I insist that I am parsing correctly. But let's quit photing around and get back to the subject.)

What did the cherry tree say to Kyle?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Apr 27, 2008 08:55AM)
Someone popped you, but not me!

What would Kyle look like in a jacket that fits him?
Message: Posted by: Father Photius (Apr 27, 2008 05:28PM)
A whole lot better.

Why does Kelly have 400 pairs of shoes and Kyle only one?