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Topic: Needed - a great joke to start a speech!
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (Apr 15, 2003 02:02AM)
I am performing a speech at an end of term party soon and my comedy is not up to standard!

The joke needs to be:

Hilarious
Short/medium length
not too rude

Thank you in advance!

:)
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Apr 15, 2003 04:47AM)
Walk out, survey the room with slightly raised eyebrows, and say: "Wow, this is the biggest group of people I've appeared in front of since my trial."
Message: Posted by: Dave Le Fevre (Apr 16, 2003 06:26AM)
This is only the second time in my life that I've spoken in public.

And the first time, all I said was [i]"Not guilty"[/i].
Message: Posted by: RyanJonPilling (Apr 16, 2003 11:42AM)
I was in Toastmasters for a few years, and my experience says...

Jokes are a great way to start, but for goodness sakes, stick to your topic! Ideally, the joke can introduce the concept/topic of the speech, but at the very least, it can be somehow related.

So... what's the speech about?

-Ryan Pilling
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (Apr 17, 2003 02:14AM)
It is an end of year school speech, any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,

:)
Message: Posted by: Mago Mai (Apr 19, 2003 05:36PM)
You might say something like:

Aren't you all glad you can go home now, not having to come to school for a while...
(Look surprised to the back of the room while you gesture with your hand.)

Wait...wait...wait... I mean after the speech.

Mago Mai
Message: Posted by: oldguy (Apr 24, 2003 05:59PM)
How about walking out and saying "I hope I don't forget anything. My wife says my memory is so bad I could hide my own Easter eggs." Works for me. Tom
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Apr 25, 2003 11:15AM)
Hee Hee...okay that was funny!
Message: Posted by: Tor Egil (Apr 29, 2003 01:25PM)
I'm suprised how many girls there are here. Now, I have to ask this. What do you girls think about when guys approach girls with magic?
Message: Posted by: marko (Apr 29, 2003 11:59PM)
Tor Egil - Sorry but I'm not sure that would be a great opening line for a speech. :)

I would walk out and then stay quiet for an inordinate amount of time. Silence. Finally I would say totally dead-pan "Do you hate uncomfortable silences as much as I do?" or "So that's the time when I would have said something really funny to start things off."
Message: Posted by: Tor Egil (Apr 30, 2003 05:36AM)
That was a question, not a line silly.
Message: Posted by: ChrisZampese (May 1, 2003 03:46PM)
Tor,
It was a little silly considering the topic that you posted it in!

Starting a speech with a joke can be difficult, especially at a school leaving dinner. If you can put any humorous reference to a particular teacher in there then you will have a good start (come on, one of your teachers must have a bizarre personality trait that you can exploit?!)
Message: Posted by: Dragona (May 7, 2003 07:37AM)
Well, I had to give a speech once. I hated it, but Chris has the right idea. Make fun of ALL your teachers. Also use the principal and other administrators. They'll appreciate it, trust me... :stare: .
Message: Posted by: Patrick McKeever (May 15, 2003 02:33PM)
Phonic69,
Here's an oldie but goodie that I have used on occassion: "I told (the class president, drama teacher, school principal, etc.) if they were ever in a real pinch, I mean scraping the bottom of the barrel, for a speaker they could call on me. Now you know what's on the bottom of the barrel."
It's always worked for me.
Patrick
Message: Posted by: wassabi_87 (May 23, 2003 11:55PM)
I don't know why you are even trying to start a speech with a joke in the first place; I never do, and they work fine. A joke should not take the place of your introduction. You could try a colorful intro instead, it will catch their attention better. After all, that was what you were trying to do in the first place, right?
Message: Posted by: The Donster (May 25, 2003 06:59AM)
Here goes something that old guy can use for his memory, but not only that she says I'll be lucky if I can find them.
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (May 25, 2003 07:52AM)
What?!!?

:)
Message: Posted by: The Donster (May 25, 2003 09:43AM)
phonics69
OK where the old guy says he comes out and he says that he hopes he remembered to bring everything and then his wife says that his memory is so bad that he could hide his own Easter Eggs. And that he'll be lucky if he could find them meaning finding the Easter eggs.
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (May 25, 2003 10:05AM)
[quote]
On 2003-05-24 00:55, bubba_boy_87 wrote:
I don't know why you are even trying to start a speech with a joke in the first place, I never do, and they work fine. A joke should not take the place of your introduction. You could try a colorful intro instead; it will catch their attention better. After all, that was what you were trying to do in the first place, right?
[/quote]

It is simply a tradition at my school to start the end of year speech with a jokeŚ there is little need for an introduction because everyone in the room is already aquainted with meŚ I have been a member of their house for 7 years!

:)
Message: Posted by: The Donster (May 25, 2003 01:00PM)
Have you tried "I just flew in from Europe and boy, are my arms tired"? Actually it doesn't have to be Europe but anywhere you can go to. Don,
Message: Posted by: ChrisZampese (May 25, 2003 11:07PM)
When is the speech phonic?
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (May 26, 2003 02:23AM)
The speech is on July the 4th, so there is some time left yet!

I don't get it "The Donster"!

:)
Message: Posted by: wayman (May 26, 2003 07:13AM)
Phonic69

A magic friend sent me this... It should take up about 10 minutes of your speech!!

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Startled by this he turned, and to his amazement through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again. As fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it...

...the coffin stopped.
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (May 26, 2003 08:35AM)
Am I being stupid? I don't get it!

:)
Message: Posted by: The Donster (May 26, 2003 12:33PM)
OK, Benelyn is something to stop a cough, just like coughing and coffin. Don,
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (May 27, 2003 01:20AM)
Oh right, I should have spotted that!

I don't want to appear as someone with a humour deficiencyŚ normally I understand jokes!

Here's one:

Q. How do you cut the sea?
A. With a seesaw!

:)
Message: Posted by: Adam V (May 27, 2003 02:32AM)
Q: What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

A: Bob.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jun 1, 2003 04:36AM)
Ok what did one Magician say to another Magician?

A. Who was that Lady I Sawed you with Last Night?
Message: Posted by: joseph (Jun 1, 2003 08:52PM)
I can't ever remember my speeches so I bought Harry Lorayne's Memory Book; I forgot where I put it. I was working on a problem on the way to school; When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? :kidding:
Message: Posted by: Docc Spurlock (Jun 5, 2003 09:18AM)
The old saying......"A funny thing happen on the way here" LOL LOL
Message: Posted by: twistedace (Jun 5, 2003 05:18PM)
How about "I'm glad to be here ladies and gentlemen. While I give this speech I want you to remember that I am a professional, which doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at what I do, it simply means that I get paid for what I do."
Message: Posted by: shomemagic (Jun 7, 2003 04:00PM)
How about.
I am the very best magician available in this price range.
Message: Posted by: Review King (Jun 7, 2003 07:25PM)
Take my LIFE-PLEASE. Use it, it will get howls from older audiences that remember Henny Youngman's wife joke. :clownjuggling:
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Jun 7, 2003 08:58PM)
It sounds like you are not actually doing a magic show but rather giving a speech where you have to open with a joke.

Try searching for jokes online and look for ones that are related to education and teachers.

E.g. walk on cross eyed and say "This is my impression of Mr. (insert soft touch teacher here)... I can't control my pupils.

Boom Boom

Hello?

Hello?

Is this thing on?
Message: Posted by: m.ruetz (Jun 7, 2003 11:40PM)
I am sure you've all heard the one about the parrot and cruise ship magician, well if you haven't here goes. Elaborate with more details if desired but here's the basic joke.

A new magician was hired to perform on the cruise ship but he didn't know about the captain's annoying parrot. Every night the parrot would watch the act and he would divulge the workings of his tricks.

"It's up his sleeve" the parrot would say.

The next night the parrot watched on again, "It's in the trap door" the parrot squawked.

After the show, there was a terrible accident and the ship sank. The magician was clinging for dear life on a floating piece of the wreckage. A few minutes later, the parrot flew over to the magician and lands on a piece of wood floating next to the magician.

The parrot looks right and then turns his head completely around to the left and pauses.

Then the parrot says, "Ok, I give up, where's the ship?"
Message: Posted by: phonic69 (Jun 8, 2003 02:06AM)
You are indeed correct, Nicholas J. Johnson, there will be little magic but there will be a requirement for a great opener!

There's been some odd jokes thrown about - still there's a month to the speech so keep them coming!


:) :online:
Message: Posted by: magic1178 (Jun 16, 2003 04:32AM)
Howdy phonic,here goes

Hello; As you all know, or maybe you don't know, I'm a magician and I unfortunately just broke up with my girlfriend.... pause (don't actually say pause, hehe) I state your name, (nevermind).

We had conflict in differences.
I am a magician and she is a psychic.

I'm sad to say, she broke up with me before we ever met. :rotf:

Ok I tried.

If anyone here believes in telekinesis, the ability to move objects with the power of your mind, please raise my hand :bigsmile:
Message: Posted by: drosenbe0813 (Jun 16, 2003 09:57PM)
There's the joke about Mom waking up Johnny... 'Johnny... time to got to school",
"Aw mom, I hate school, none of the kids like me, they make fun of me... I really don't want to go to school today.

"Now Johnny... you are going to school today... you are the principal and you have to go!!!

It's best if you substitute the real principal's name, of course.
Message: Posted by: Dynamike (Jul 31, 2009 11:57AM)
Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?
Message: Posted by: Danny Diamond (Jul 31, 2009 12:16PM)
[quote]
On 2009-07-31 12:57, Dynamike wrote:
Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?
[/quote]

Actually, the thought of the OP - a white guy from the UK - saying that line, did make me laugh for some odd reason.

But I think your suggestion might be 6 years too late for him.
Message: Posted by: Dynamike (Jul 31, 2009 12:20PM)
"You are going to have to excuse me for the way I am speaking to you today. It is because I got little sleep last night. A lady kept banging on my door all night long. She kept pounding on my door keeping me awake. So in the morning time, I finally let her out."
Message: Posted by: maxpower123 (Nov 2, 2012 12:19PM)
My wife asked me if she died, would I ever ger remarried. I said, "Probably. I have a lot of years left, and although I'd miss you, I would get lonely". She said "Oh.... would you live in this house?". I said, "Probably. This house is comfortable, and we have spent a lot of time making it a home". "Oh, she said...... would you replace my pictures with hers?". I replied, "Well, I wouldn't put yours away, but I would put pictures of us up on the wall and in plain view, sure." Not too happy, she asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And I said, "Certainly not!......she's left-handed"
Message: Posted by: Kel says poof (Nov 5, 2012 06:46PM)
Heard this one once and it appealed to my sense of humor.......malities, malities,malities, malities....now that's the formalities out of the way.
Message: Posted by: Jim Sparx (Nov 23, 2012 03:31PM)
Since this was posted in April of 2003, can we assume the speech is over and you no longer need free material?
Message: Posted by: AllAboutMagic (Jan 1, 2013 12:55PM)
[quote]
On 2012-11-23 16:31, spartacus wrote:
Since this was posted in April of 2003, can we assume the speech is over and you no longer need free material?
[/quote]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks Spartacus, that made me laugh.
Message: Posted by: Gord (Jan 29, 2013 09:26PM)
I completely agre with Ryan.
Message: Posted by: Neznarf (Jan 31, 2013 12:15PM)
Open with:

I was hanging out with my magician buddies last night and they were bragging about all the great places they are perorming and how well they are doing. They are performing places like..Japan, Europe, China, Korea, Las Vegas and so on.

Boy are they going to jealous when I tell them that I did a magic show......at or for (Name or Location of your choice)
Holiday Inn in Bakersfield.