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Topic: Funny lines for magicians. What are yours?
Message: Posted by: Bradley Morgan (Apr 28, 2002 03:26PM)
Hi, can you tell me some of your comic lines?
Here are some of mine.

"It's a wonderful new act. I open with three sheets of flash paper and close with a fire extinguisher."

"Are you worried? Don't be. There's no sense both of us worrying?

"Now this next trick requires the assistance of a gentleman in the audience?" (USUALLY
THERE'S A WEAK RESPONSE) "Well, how about the rest of youse guys?"

I know what you are thinking, stop while you are ahead.

The best is still to come.

"I always buy two tt's at a time. That way I can pass one of them out for examination."

"The hand is quicker than the eye---which explains why there are so many black eyes around."

"I used to do the SAWING A WOMAN IN HALF trick as a kid. In fact, I've got several half-sisters to prove it."

OK that's good for now. You probably have had
enough. Can you tell me some of your
one-liners. Or have I got all of them?

Thanks

:dancing: :dancing: :dancing:
Message: Posted by: Georgia Boy (Jul 2, 2002 09:53AM)
The oldest & greatest one I think is when THEY say;

How did you do that?

You smile & say, "Very WELL, thank you."

**********

I love the "half-sister" joke Brad!
Message: Posted by: professorpopcorn (Jul 2, 2002 05:05PM)
When there's a cheeky youngster in the crowd there's always the timeless

'I love kids of that age - I couldn't eat a whole one!!!

:rotf:
Message: Posted by: BroDavid (Jul 3, 2002 02:37PM)
I nearly always close my performances with this line;

I just want to say how much I have enjoyed having you all here.

And it is my hope that all of you equally enjoyed "Being Had!"

BroDavid
Message: Posted by: professorpopcorn (Jul 3, 2002 04:01PM)
My shows always end with these lines.

"never stop believing in magic & never stop smiling - because all the time you're smiling, all the grown-ups will wonder what you've been doing "

It doesn't really mean anything but I always finish with a laugh.

:rotf:
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Jul 3, 2002 06:53PM)
Before or after a mental/psychic routine: "We all have the power in us to do this and things like this. Some have a little; some have a lot. I guess you might say that I'm full of it."

cheers,
Peter Marucci
Message: Posted by: Whiterabbit (Aug 6, 2002 05:49PM)
I tend to use humour sparingly, but, if I say something and for some reason it doesn't translate, I usually remark "Hmmm, that was almost like a joke. Except jokes are funny".

It usually gets a laugh.
Message: Posted by: thehawk (Aug 7, 2002 10:42PM)
When somebody asks me to do a trick again, I say, "once is a trick, twice is a lesson" or I could tell you how I did that but then I'd have to kill you, so they don't ask.
Message: Posted by: Magnus Maccormack (Aug 8, 2002 11:58AM)
[quote]
When there's a cheeky youngster in the crowd there's always the timeless

'I love kids of that age - I couldn't eat a whole one!!!
[/quote]

Aren't kids great... especially with a nice, light Bernaise sauce.
Message: Posted by: magic_man_number3 (Aug 9, 2002 07:20AM)
I saw a magician close his show with this:

"Out of all my audiences, you've been the most recent"

Or if there's a little kid who annoys you and keeps saying I know how you do that! just say:

"I'll wave my wand and your budgy will be dead!"

By the way I also love the half-sisters joke.
Message: Posted by: Sid Mayer (Aug 14, 2002 11:13PM)
When the laughter is weak, "I don't ask for laughter. An occasional nod of comprehension is sufficient."

Keep on nodding,

Sid

At one point, during a hydrostatic glass routine, I have a glass of red wine in my hand. I raise it and say, "I'd like to offer a toast to the brothers who made it possible for men to fly. Here's to Ernest and Julio Gallo."

(For readers outside the U.S., Gallo is a large and much advertised wine seller.)

Well, Jay Marshall liked it,

Sid
Message: Posted by: Shenaniganz (Aug 15, 2002 01:05PM)
It's ok if I see your card. I've seen this trick before.

Do you like the card you picked? Do you want to change your mind? No, your happy with the mind you have?
Message: Posted by: x-treem (Aug 17, 2002 06:25AM)
I have Biblical proof that there are NO woman in heaven. Revelations 8:1 ...there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.

God was an electrician, he took a rib from Adam and made the first speaker.

Not mine but I like these lines.
Message: Posted by: kArDMaStA (Aug 22, 2002 11:35AM)
When you borrow a ring: What kind of ring isn't a ring? A bull ring!

At any point during a show you can ask "how many here are on welfare? (little response) and then say... oh.. looks like I'm getting better"

When doing a find a card trick, I like to pretend I can't find the card and when they tell me what it is I call them a liar. This usually gets a laugh.

When you use a magic wand say that it's mystick. This is an old joke but it's good.

And a visual gag. Put on a pair of big glasses and a clown nose and make a funny face.

I am king of cards.. anyone know where I keep my armies? Up my sleevies.

Point to someone in the front row and say
'does that shirt itch?' ..when they say no, say 'funny, it did when I gave it to the Salvation Army'.

I give money out every other day---too bad it's the other day.

Pick a card, any card, (and as they reach out you YELL) NOT THAT ONE!

:rotf:
Message: Posted by: Victor Brisbin (Aug 22, 2002 12:40PM)
Different strokes for different folks...I personally don't find "audience abuse jokes" funny. There's only one Don Rickles, but many magicians seem to love to "take the mickey out" of their spectators. I think some insult jokes could fly with the right personality, said with a big smile and tongue firmly in cheek. Magicians who can do this successfully are the exception, and not the rule. :whatthe:
Message: Posted by: itsupyoursleeve (Aug 23, 2002 12:00PM)
When I get asked the usual question: how did you do it? I use the line mentioned already.....very well! I then follow it up with ....can you keep a secret? When they say yes and their eyes light up thinking they are going to find out say....so can I!!! and walk away.
Message: Posted by: Theamazing... (Aug 23, 2002 08:47PM)
There is a great book for sale called
"Sleight of Mouth". Full of one liners for magicians and entertainers. I know for sure you can order it from Daytona Magic. Good luck.

This next trick took a lot of drugs, alcohol and practice to get down perfectly. O.K! Not really the practice.

-Vic :rotf:
Message: Posted by: Sid Mayer (Aug 23, 2002 11:24PM)
And then there was the magician who had a problem with remembering things. It finally got so bad that he had to mark all of the cards in his one-way forcing deck.

It would be funnier if I could remember where I heard it.

Sid
Message: Posted by: imico (Aug 24, 2002 01:11PM)
After doing some close-up cards, I'll say: "Now shake my hand!", I pause, and then say: "Okay, now count your fingers!" You'd be amazed at how many people look at their hands) :)
Message: Posted by: Bradley Morgan (Aug 24, 2002 05:38PM)
Some funny stuff here.
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

I got them out of two old books

Flip-Lines
and
Emcee's Goldmine

Both by Robert Orben

Some of it is so funny but it is a really old book so some of the stuff is over my head considering that I am only sixteen.

Oh Well

Here are a few more

Male Heckler-Stoppers

"When he dies he'll even give the worms indigestion."

"You know, when he goes to the circus, the freaks come out and look at him."

"What do you take----Ugly pills?"

"I know you're not responsible for having a face like that but at least you could stay at home where nobody could see it."

"Why don't you wait till after the show and we'll have a nice man to jerk talk?"

"You'll have to excuse him. He's having business troubles. Can't mind his own."

"There's a guy who's knock-kneed, cross-eyed, overweight and stupid-----and those are his good points."

"There's a guy who hits the nail squarely on the thumb."

"Sometimes I wish I were a little bird and you were a great big statue."

"Don't mind him. He's just trying to get ahead----and he certainly needs one."

"Look at him sitting there with his nose running. He's as happy as if he had a handkerchief."

"Well, we all can't be normal."

"There's a guy with a wonderful head of air."

"Why don't you go home? Your cage must be cleaned out by this time."

"And the trick you all have been waiting for, My last one."

Hope you enjoy and will be able to use something here if you ever get in a situation with a heckler you will now have a whole bunch of stuff to kill him with.
But be nice. :devilish:

Bye for now

Brad
Message: Posted by: Thomas Wayne (Aug 24, 2002 09:40PM)
I can't imagine using ANY of these lines, and I can't imagine enjoying a performer who would.

Regards,
Thomas Wayne
Message: Posted by: kArDMaStA (Aug 24, 2002 10:39PM)
I disagree, I think most of those lines are great for the right audience. All except the Chewing gum/Juicy Fruit one which is obviously a reference to gay people.

I'm not that way inclined or anything but those guys get a hard enough time from Christians and other religious types so I'd avoid lines like that
Message: Posted by: Bradley Morgan (Aug 24, 2002 11:11PM)
Hello everyone

Well I just picked out some from the book.
I agree with Mr. Victor Brisbin.
I don't and will not likely ever use any of these jokes I posted.
Some of them are funny. But I am never near a crowd doing magic for people I would have to use those lines on. Yes some are very harsh but still very funny. As for the gay joke I did not mean to put that one in.

Just for the :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: of it.

Brad
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Aug 25, 2002 05:52AM)
Gotta agree with Thomas Wayne on this thread: Any form of audience abuse is -- or should be -- verboten!
Remember, members of the audience are your guests; treat them as you would treat guests in your home.
There are many reasons someone may be a heckler: He or she may really believe it adds something to the show; he or she may not be actually heckling but simply commenting; the magician may be truly bad! Etc., etc.
Bottom line: There is simply NO excuse for mistreating members of the audience.
But, if you can find one, then use your own intelligence and don't rely on really bad canned patter!
cheers,
Peter Marucci
Message: Posted by: Joey Evans (Aug 25, 2002 02:38PM)
Okay, I guess I have an entirely different opinion than most here. I don't consider it audience abuse, it's audience interaction. I got my start doing comedy clubs, and at those, the spectators LOVE to be "picked" on. They go and tell their friends everything said and they love it.

Of course, if you do it in a hateful manner and to be vengeful, of course that is not appropriate, but that seems to be to me, common sense. I love picking on people, but you must be able to read people. The people I pick on are usually the people who love me most after the show. They eat it up. I always say at the end, Man I love this guy. What a sport. Sometimes he gets applause.

People love it, again it goes to your personality. If you feel you can't get away with it, don't do it. There are some that can use this as an asset and make a much more interactive show. As far as not using canned humor, you won't believe the canned humor that's used. I've done comedy shows with several big time comedians, one I opened for often is David Spade.

He has notecards with one-liners he reads before every show, and if he gets a chance to use them, great. If not, he may next time. It makes him look quick. You don't make it sound canned, of course.

So I guess my point is, it's all in the presentation. I see presentations all the time that I could not pull off or some that I don't find enjoyable. But do I believe they are bad and shouldn't be done? No, they have their audiences. I could never pull off a serious mentalist routine, but some can. It's all in the presentation.

The world is huge and full of different personalities.

My 2 cents,

Joey Brummett
Fort Myers Magic
Message: Posted by: Missing_Link (Aug 26, 2002 04:14AM)
[quote]
On 2002-08-25 06:52, Peter Marucci wrote:

Remember, members of the audience are your guests; treat them as you would treat guests in your home.
[/quote]

And, if you work the streets, you're going to rely on those audience members to pay you. Have a laugh with the audience, not at them. If you offend them, there is not much chance of them paying.

Having said that, there have been numerous occasions when I have felt like hurling abuse at disruptive and unpleasant audience members...
Message: Posted by: mike4dice (Sep 4, 2002 05:47PM)
WOW! There are some great ideas in this thread. First time I looked at it.

Here's one of my favorites:

When you drop something (and you will!)

"That was caused by a sudden surge of gravity!"

mike :rotf:
Message: Posted by: magicmondo (Sep 8, 2002 10:06AM)
This is not really magic, but it is a whole card routine that I use, full of visual humor and one-line gags, and it gets a great response (well usually anyway). I use it as an ice breaker at informal gatherings where I am asked to do some magic. You need 3 packs of cards (one of which is an Inv Deck or Brainwave)

Gag 1 – fan the cards and ask them to choose a card – only make sure you fan them FACE UP whilst explaining that it is important that they do not let you see the card they choose.

Once they realize the mistake, look sheepish and turn the cards the right way (BACK SIDE UP) and repeat – but I usually throw in the old “NOT THAT ONE” gag at this point too.

I say, “Let’s do this another way” and spread the cards face down and ask the spec to simply slide one card out of the deck, keeping it face down.

While the card is still lying face down on the table, I hand the second standard deck to the spec and ask them to make sure that I don’t touch it again. Throughout the routine I then make clumsy attempts to get hold of the deck sporadically – and the spec usually protects the deck like his/her life depended upon it. Do this as much or as little as you like.

Pick up the face down card and rip it to pieces and place them out of sight somewhere. Ask the spec to name their card – they of course never saw it and can’t tell you. Horseplay with the spec about this for a few moments, you know the drill. Quickly fan through the cards so the spec sees them quickly and ask them to watch carefully and work out which card is missing. Unless you have picked Einstein you should be okay!

This farce ends with you trying again and having them pick a card using whatever fashion you prefer and having the spec LOOK AT IT.

Then claim that you knew what card they picked – ask the spec to open up the other deck and announce whether they find a duplicate of the card they chose – a miracle, it is there.

The audience will usually groan and hurl appropriate abuse in my direction – and this is the time to get out the BW or ID and reveal their card face up in the deck.
Message: Posted by: nums (Sep 9, 2002 10:21PM)
I did not come up with the funniest line I have heard but one of my specs did. When asked how I did it, I told him, if I tell you, I have to kill you, to which he said
"then tell my wife will ya" now I say 'IF I tell you, I will have to kill you, want me to tell your wife/husband"? told with a big smile and a just kidding afterwards, this always draws a round of laughter in this way to P/C world
Message: Posted by: MrHonesty (Sep 20, 2002 09:50PM)
No Monty Python Fans huh?
Remember if you enjoyed watching this show half as much as I enjoyed performing it then I enjoyed it twice as much as you.

I can just hear Michael Palin saying this deadpan and it always cracks me up.

Andy
Message: Posted by: BroDavid (Sep 23, 2002 11:46AM)
Thanks for establishing the credits on that line MrHonesty.

I thought that I created it, since I couldn't recall ever hearing it, and in my way of thinking, it just makes sense. But in my younger days I was a bit of a Monty Python fan, so that is probably where I heard it.

BroDavid
Message: Posted by: owen.daniel (Sep 25, 2002 09:33AM)
My Favorite one liner has to be when you reach into your pocket at the start of a card routine say:

All though I don't look it, I'm actually a bit of an ardvark... sorry a card sharp.

This works best in an impromptu situation :rabbitfromhat: :genielamp:
Message: Posted by: The Village Idiots (Oct 7, 2002 02:29AM)
Well I guess I am a little apalled at all of the hack material I have just read. Come on people. Don't quote professionals material here without giving them credit. I mean you're telling these lines like they are for everyone to feel free to use. I guess if you're just doing tricks for your friends it won't hurt anyone but yourself, but come on!!!

On the subject of heckler lines. Those who think it is mean to use them have obviously never been heckled on a daily basis. It is my show. I will keep control. The rest of the audience deserves that. I will not let some creep or a kid that has not been taught better, disrupt the show for everyone else. No I won't be offensive, but I will shut them up.

My fav. and this is mine, not hack. If a kid is yelling; it happens no matter how good your show is. I have worked a lot of theme parks doing 4 shows a day 6 days a week. I have no control over who wanders into the theater.

Anywho, enough ranting. If a kid is bugging me.

"Hey kid, do your parents know where you are?"

They always say, "Yeah"

"Well go remind them"

The audience busts a gut and they shut up. Sometimes the crowd claps and the little #@*! gets up and leaves. AHHH.

Sillily, Will
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Oct 7, 2002 05:32AM)
To be truly funny, a line must be part of the performer.
There are few things as pathetic as someone trying to graft onto their act "canned" humor, especially what most people consider non-funny humor (of the Orben variety?).
Usable funny lines will come from performance situations, not from commercial "joke" books.
And, coming from YOUR performance situations will make them YOUR lines. Not only will they be original with you, they will be impossible for anyone else to copy!
Remember, a poor original is still better than a good copy.
:bg:
Message: Posted by: hawkbird (Oct 8, 2002 09:41PM)
A one liner I like, is when having someone think of a black queen and remember it, then remind them that it can't be Rupaul. Not being prejudice or picking on gays... just funny!
Message: Posted by: Danny Hustle (Oct 11, 2002 02:58PM)
[quote]
On 2002-10-07 06:32, Peter Marucci wrote:
To be truly funny, a line must be part of the performer.
There are few things as pathetic as someone trying to graft onto their act "canned" humor, especially what most people consider non-funny humor (of the Orben variety?).
Usable funny lines will come from performance situations, not from commercial "joke" books.
And, coming from YOUR performance situations will make them YOUR lines. Not only will they be original with you, they will be impossible for anyone else to copy!
Remember, a poor original is still better than a good copy.
:bg:
[/quote]

You know Peter I love your posts. I agree with you about 99% of the time. But this is one of those 1%'ers.

I have been tempted to tip this for sometime but have bitten my tongue. It is too good to let out, but I'm gonna do it.

Robert Orben is one of the funniest guys who has ever lived. His material ESPECIALLY THE OLD STUFF is HYSTERICAL.

People remember that he wrote speeches for Gerry Ford.. They forget that he wrote for Skelton, Carson, Gleason, etc...

Some BIG magic names that use stock Orben lines in their shows today that I have heard you all laugh at (Yes even you, don't shake your head).

Billy McComb
Terry Seabrooke
Tom Mullica
GAZZO

and the list goes on..

The old short Robert Orben patter books (pamphlets) are probably the best stock gag files a magician can work from.

You have to know how to rework the material but some of it is down right brilliant. I also suggest that you go out and buy as many vaudeville black out sketches as you can get your hands on. Not to mention the work of George De Lawrence.

This old material is funny, real funny.

It has all been out of print for almost 40 years and that is why I mention it.

You will be hard pressed to find it, but if you know where to look....

Another surprise. I have heard reworked Orben lines 17 times in the past two weeks used on T.V. by pro commedians. Lewis Black, Jay Leno, John Stewart, Dave Letterman, and a host of others. Leno and Letterman use reworked Orben material almost daily. There is gold in them thar books.

Now the bad news. ANY of the Robert Orben books you can get from Amazon.com or in your local bookstore are AWFUL!!!

You MUST find the 40 year old patter booklets that he released almost monthly. there is a lot of junk in these too but there is some real jewels too.

There I said it. I hate to admit it but it is true.

Best,

Dan-
Message: Posted by: Andy Wonder (Oct 12, 2002 04:45PM)
I have a funny little line I use in my kids show with Rocky Racoon. Just after I have some of the kids pet him & get a few ewwes and r's about how cute he is Rocky jumps at a few of the older children and goes out of control so I have to lock him back in his cage.

At this point I say to the children 'he didn't bite anybody did he?'. Children being children usually an older boy will protest he was bitten by Rocky. At this point I ask where he was bitten so I can kiss it better and make loud kissing noises. It usually gets a laugh when the child quicky changes tact and protests that he in fact was not really bitten at all.

One day when doing this little piece a child replied 'yeah he bit me on the butt'. All the other kids burst into laughter. So now I always add that little bit and pretend to hear that the child actually said that. Just paraphrase something to that affect. It always gets a great laugh with kids for me.

You are safer picking an older boy age 7 or above for this. Making kissing butt jokes with a sweet little girl could be taken the wrong way by the adults watching.
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Oct 12, 2002 10:17PM)
Danny,
You find Orben's old stuff funny; I don't.
No big deal; that's what makes horseraces!

As someone once said, "Trying to analyze comedy is like dissecting a frog: No one much cares -- and the frog dies."

Besides, I picked Orben only as one example; there are many, many more. And I find them all equally bad. (Note: I said "I" find them equally bad; I didn't say they "were" bad; once again, it's a matter of taste!)

Danny, you pretty much prove my point by saying that "You have to know how to rework the material. . ."

That makes it YOUR material; it is no longer the canned humor to which I was referring.

But you are 101 percent right on the fact that the old material is priceless!

Vaudeville blackout sketches, old radio comedy shows, you name it. The Abbott and Costello "Who's On First" routine is one of their old vaudeville sketches; it was crowbarred into about half the movies they made, and is still today considered the funniest sketch ever written!
And I agree!
I hope you do, too!
:wavey:
Message: Posted by: Samuel Catoe (Oct 13, 2002 12:25AM)
When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! :rotf:

Samuel
Message: Posted by: Codex Reader (Oct 13, 2002 10:54AM)
Spread a deck face up in your hands and tell the spectator, "pick a card and don't tell me what it is". Most of the time, they start to pick a card before they realize we both can see all the cards.

I then flip the deck over and middle finger the bottom card to the middle of the fan and slightly forward about an inch and move it back and forth then say, "pick a card, any card."

Sounds corny but always gets a laugh.
Message: Posted by: Mahlstrom (Oct 22, 2002 10:58AM)
[quote]
I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! :rotf:
[/quote]

I believe that line comes from Robert Bloch, author of "Psycho".

-Mahlstrom
Message: Posted by: Samuel Catoe (Oct 25, 2002 07:18AM)
Very good Mahlstrom. But you are only part right. It is a quote from Bloch himself. I had the chance to meet him once and he said this was his answer when people asked him why he wrote for a living.

Samuel
Message: Posted by: BtheDreamer (Oct 27, 2002 03:46PM)
There is definitely some good stuff here and lots more out there but we have to remember not to force these lines. Only say what comes naturally or it’s just corny. I have become fond of a few one-liners throughout the years but I treat them like a Swiss Army Knife. I always have them in my pocket ready to go at a moments notice but like they say if it’s not broken don’t fix it.

Of course some tricks do come with canned jokes and that is ok but don’t let things become mechanical or your audience will sense that.

I worked at a theme park last year and I performed the same card trick on stage at least five times a day. I discovered real fast that a few jokes went over real well all the time and made my job real easy.

After letting the volunteer shuffle the deck, I would tell him to ”think of his card and only his card so I could read his mind.” While fumbling through the deck for awhile and conveniently placing his card at the top of the deck for the purpose of the trick, I stop and with a confused look ask him,
“Who’s Stephanie?” This works great if he is there with his wife or girlfriend but no matter what, he gets a confused or even an embarrassed look and you get a good laugh.

Now, let him know you were kidding. Avoid the temptation to claim psychic powers because odds are he will have known a girl named Stephanie at one point in his life. Heck it might be his mom’s name.

Remember it is just a joke and the laughs are worth a lot more then people thinking you are psychic. That’s an example of a canned joke that I did every time with that particular trick because it ALWAYS worked and it actually served as misdirection to make the trick easier to pull off.

On the other hand, here are some other jokes that I had up my sleeve but only used if they worked.

“Now I’m going to read your mind with my psychotic powers… Uh PSYCHIC powers.”

“Have we ever met before?” (no)… “hmmm yeah would you like to meet again sometime”

”Where you from?” (they reply) “SORRY?” (they repeat) “No, I heard you, I was just sorry.”

After unsuccessfully fumbling through the deck looking for his card. “Hey, have you ever had your mind read before?” (they reply NO) “Yeah it looks like it's going to stay that way, let's do something else…”

The most important thing to remember is, these lines are to flavor your routine. Your tricks and routines should be strong enough that these lines are just icing on the cake.

Now we all know that every audience is different and some are tougher then others, I have another Swiss army knife filled with little lines that keep the pace of the show going. Or in other words, if you feel like you are starting to lose your audience you can throw a quick joke out there and grab everyone’s attention, even make them laugh.

Some examples of these are:

When you take someone up on stage and you are telling them where to stand, say, “ok stand right here on the trap door!” they will always look down and you just keep going with the trick. This will confuse a few people and amuse the rest!!!

At any time during the show if you need to pick up the pace you can pull an old faithful:

Ask a spectator “Do you have a handkerchief?” when they say no, say, "Ok, just use your sleeve then, cause you have a little something hanging from your nose." Make the gestures and it can be hilarious.

Borrow A $20.00 bill from someone then look back. “Who gave me this again? What was your name?" The owner says, "I did and name" You say, "Great, thanks a lot," and put it in your pocket You can also say, "You all witnessed what he said, right? He GAVE ME this money."

Now remember you don’t want anyone feeling bad at your show. Granted I do my fair share of embarrassing audience members because it is funny but you always want to acknowledge that you were kidding and make/turn the joke somewhere else, (the magician is a good idea.)

After picking on someone else, try this out.
“It’s just a joke, pretty sad huh? Yeah I have to pick on innocent audience members for a cheap laugh that’s how pathetic I am”
That way you are the butt of the joke and everyone is happy!

I also love throwing in a random joke in the middle of a trick when they have nothing in common. Have fun!!!

:swordbasket:
Message: Posted by: Dr Dark (Oct 28, 2002 08:01PM)
" I have a soft spot for kids. its called a swamp " :firedevil:
Message: Posted by: Reg Rozee (Oct 31, 2002 11:07AM)
When performing a card effect like "Galaxy" where I want the spectator to deal the cards as fast as possible, I ask them to try and do it "without thinking, to unlock your psychic potential". Then at the conclusion of the effect, I say "See what you can do when you DON'T put your mind to it?" ;)

-bigwolf {*}
Message: Posted by: Kathryn Novak (Nov 3, 2002 04:14PM)
Spec: "Can I shuffle?"

Me: "Let me finish this card trick, and then you can dance."

This usually confuses the spec and makes everyone else laugh.
Message: Posted by: Ellen Kotzin (Nov 14, 2002 06:34PM)
My favorites: (from Harry Anderson)

"The trick that made Ray Charles blind.."

(After doing the needle thru the arm routine) "Spit is good for germs, it gets in their eyes and they lunge at each other."

"You think it's happenin' but it ain't"

"If a chicken and a half could lay an egg and a half in a day in a half, how long does it take a monkey to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?"

"You can beat the cards but you can never beat the game."

"if that IS your real name"

"Never take candy from a stranger unless he offers you a ride."

"Cause things get kind of exciting now..."

"No one moves, no one gets hurt"

"Go figure?"

"Where quality is not just a word, it's a noun."

"Watch, Watch... Watch."

"Hi, I'm Harry, but aren't we all?"

"You can't believe what I say because I'm a pathological liar, but not really."

"You gotta get up pretty early in the morning, so why not go to bed now?"

"If you can't laugh at yourself, then you've never seen what you look like sleeping."
Message: Posted by: gtxby33 (Nov 16, 2002 12:54PM)
Well, it's not really a line but when you fan a deck and say pick a card, I usually pop off the bottom card with my index and move it where ever the spectators finger is going.... there is a video of it at
http://www.magicvideodepot.com
It's called "pick a card"
Message: Posted by: mansomago (Nov 17, 2002 09:42PM)
[quote]
On 2002-08-24 18:38, magicbrad wrote:
Some funny stuff here.
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

I got them out of two old books

Flip-Lines
and
Emcee's Goldmine

Both by Robert Orben

Some of it is so funny but it is a really old book so some of the stuff is over my head considering that I am only sixteen.

Oh Well

Here are a few more

Male Heckler-Stoppers

"When he dies, he'll even give the worms indigestion."

"You know, when he goes to the circus, the freaks come out and look at him."

"What do you take----Ugly pills?"

"I know you're not responsible for having a face like that but at least you could stay at home where nobody could see it."

"Why don't you wait till after the show and we'll have a nice man to jerk talk?"

"You'll have to excuse him. He's having business troubles. Can't mind his own."

"There's a guy, who's knock-kneed, cross-eyed, overweight and stupid----- and those are his good points."

"There's a guy who hits the nail squarely on the thumb."

"Sometimes I wish I were a little bird and you were a great big statue."

"Don't mind him. He's just trying to get ahead----and he certainly needs one."

"Look at him sitting there with his nose running. He's as happy as if he had a handkerchief."

"Well, we all can't be normal."

"There's a guy with a wonderful head of air."

"Why don't you go home? Your cage must be cleaned out by this time."

"And the trick you all have been waiting for, My last one."

Hope you enjoy and will be able to use something here if you ever get in a situation with a heckler you will now have a whole bunch of stuff to kill him with.
But be nice. :devilish:

Bye for now

Brad
[/quote]

I think you forgot that magic is to entertain people, not to be bad with them (your lines are not funny at all)
Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 18, 2002 01:12AM)
Eh, these somehow seem appropriate. During rehersals of The Man in the Iron Mask (I was playing Gaston, one of the kings 2 advisors) my partner and I were talking in the background so it wouldn't look like we were just standing around waiting for our cue. The improv conversation went something like this.

[i]Gaston[/i]: "I don't see why the peasents are complaining, it wasn't a very large fire."
[i]Mike[/i]: "It destroyed 2 buildings and killed 3 men."
[i]Gaston[/i]: "Yes but they died in the spice warehouse and were roasted to perfection. That could feed a family of four for 2 weeks."
[i]Mike[/i]: "I bet I could eat half of one by tommorow."
[i]Gaston[/i]: "I bet you couldn't eat half a leg by tommorow."
[i]Mike[/i]: "Sounds like a wager, 10 franks?"
[i]Gaston[/i]: "Make it 20."
*as we shake on the bet, the King turns around."
[i]King[/i]: "Gaston, what has the chef prepared for my meal tonight?"

Thank whomever, it was just rehersals, I was laughing for quite awhile.

(Had I thought fast enough, I should have said "I believe the peasents have prepared something special for you tonight.")

More on topic though...
"This trick is so cool, that the first time I got it to work I got frostbite and couldn't use my hands for a week. Which is why you'll be doing it."
Bonus points if you find a way, stealthily chill the Mark's hands as the trick progresses.
Message: Posted by: Vinnie Anderson (Nov 20, 2002 09:10AM)
Whenever someone asks me how I did the trick
I always ask, can you keep a secret, when they say yes, I say, SO CAN I

Vinnie
:bikes: :bluebikes:
Message: Posted by: MOTO42 (Nov 20, 2002 11:56AM)
Everybody uses that line these days. Who said it first?
Message: Posted by: Mikael Eriksson (Nov 21, 2002 04:12AM)
For an adult audience:

"Do you like my new suit? I got it from my wife. It was hanging on a chair in the bedroom one day when I surprised her by coming home for lunch. It's not really my size, but..."

"I used to do "Sawing a lady in half" with a friend of mine. She's a nice girl, she lives in New York and Boston..."

Mikael

[quote]
On 2002-10-28 21:01, Dr Dark wrote:
"I have a soft spot for kids. It's called a swamp" :firedevil:
[/quote]

Unless swamp has another meaning, than what I know, I think your "joke" was extremely distasteful.

Mikael
Message: Posted by: Larry Davidson (Nov 24, 2002 05:56PM)
And I think the joke was extremely funny. Obviously, the way you say it and where you say it is important. If you can't make it work for you, simply don't use it.
Message: Posted by: ChrisZampese (Nov 24, 2002 06:51PM)
I would agree with Larry on that one, if you used the line at a kids party, it would probably not go so well.
However, if you were to use it at an 'I hate kids' convention you might get a laugh or two.

As with all comedy, it is all about the time and the place.

.02c
Message: Posted by: Larry Davidson (Nov 25, 2002 05:02PM)
I've never heard of an "I hate kids" convention, but I'd use the line, for example, if I were performing in a restaurant for a table of adults only, and a kid at another table nearby was screaming and disrupting others.
Message: Posted by: Mikael Eriksson (Nov 25, 2002 06:36PM)
Ok, obviously this joke gives totally different associations to Americans. It can be a cultural difference of course. To me it reminds me too much of snatched children that are later found dead in some swamp.

Sorry.

No hard feelings.

Mikael
Message: Posted by: Larry Davidson (Nov 26, 2002 11:02AM)
Mikael, you're right, it probably is a cultural difference. If it evoked the image of a snatched child at the bottom of a swamp in my mind, I certainly would not find that funny. No hard feelings to you either.
Message: Posted by: Zach Allen (Dec 1, 2002 07:57PM)
"I couldn't ask for a better audience... that would be rude".

One time I was performing in front of my classmates in school for a project and one of them volunteered and came up to me and I noticed that he had one of his hands in his pocket. I felt it was an appropriate time to use the line, "Jordan, (my friend) please take your hand out of your pocket, I'll provide the entertainment."

It took a couple of minutes for me to get their attention again. Needless to say, my teacher wasn't too happy about that comment, but I did get an A, so... :bg:
Message: Posted by: Mark Ennis (Dec 2, 2002 05:11PM)
I thought the kid in the swamp joke was one of the only funny lines posted on this thread.

I am so glad that someone didn't say that they asked the audience to give the cards a "shiffle". Some magicians think it is funny but I read somewhere where lay-people think this is one of the worst jokes ever and when the magician isn't looking, they stick their middle finger up at them.

I made up the middle finger part but I do know that lay-people do not think this joke is funny.

Here is another joke that is stupid..

"Can you tell one card from the other? Well which one is the other?"

I am not even sure I know what that joke means.
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Dec 2, 2002 09:31PM)
Don't worry, Mark.
Most of the "magicians" who use the line don't know what it means, either!
:hmm:
Message: Posted by: mvmagic (Dec 3, 2002 04:50AM)
A few of my eternal favorites audience responses to really well...

"Are you insured?"

"You´re about to see a demonstration of precise timing and incredible skill. And after I have removed my coat I will do some magic"

"We´re going to attempt something that actually has killed magicians in the past. But not to worry, I will be completely safe. (handing the few props to the assisting spectator) Better that you take these..."
Message: Posted by: simage (Dec 3, 2002 03:46PM)
Hey mvmagic, I like your last line as an opener for a card stab routine. Usually I give the knife to the spectator but I think I'll start out next time by saying something like, "Now we come to the part in this trick which has killed many a magician, here you hold this and I'll take the knife....."
Obviously you would pause and then switch back around, but you could ask if they are insured, etc. Also, humor in which we make fun of ourselves is not too offensive to the audience at worst and can be very funny at best. :nose:
Message: Posted by: Billy Whizz (Jan 2, 2003 08:27AM)
When asking for a volunteer, "If you want to help, put your hand up (pause) if you've got your arms folded"

Ask helper "What's your name? And how long have you been called John (or whatever the name is)" You get all sorts of answers.
Message: Posted by: amazingboz (Jan 6, 2003 09:06PM)
Sometimes I will end my act by saying,
"Now I am going to say 5 magic words and make myself disappear...Thank You and
Good Night." I then bow and walk off stage.

It may sound corny, but I do get good feedback from audience

Phil aka AmazingBoz
Message: Posted by: kasper777 (Jan 8, 2003 10:04AM)
Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.
Message: Posted by: swerdnase (Jan 8, 2003 08:46PM)
I try to avoid the audience insult jokes and put the joke back on me.

1. "And have we ever met before? And why do you think that is? The restraining order?"

2. I could always go back to my old job as:

A proofreader for "M&Ms." That's not that easy, if they get sideways, they can be mistaken for "E&Es."

A caddie for Putt-Putt Golf -- I got the club selection thing figured out.

Socks -- what can I say; I'm a people person.

A "Before" in a "Before and After" Modeling Agency – we never got to mingle with the "Afters."

A Personal Landlord – I used to sublet my pants. I have no idea what this means.

A Grammer Agent -- I used to lease out double entendres, and I think you know what I mean when I say "lease out."

A specialist in a tailor shop – whenever anyone wanted a 'perfect fit,' I'd come out and throw one. (Rip Taylor 1975)

A top-secret spy. Oh, wait, never mind, forget I said that.

I have a flea circus. This is a step up from the head lice circus I had before. It was like my own little Cirque du Soleil of my scalp – except not entertaining and very itchy.

A mind reader – I quit because I tried to read my own mind and got caught in a bad feedback loop. But it was a good job because I learned I'm not paranoid, people really did hate me.

A methadone reseller – you need a very dry mouth for this.

A dental floss recycler – you need a very wet mouth for this.

An X-Rated balloon animal maker.— I used to get my balloons for free lying around in parking lots.

A salt lick

An Escape artist – I would draw pictures of people struggling to get out of ropes and chains.


My brother is at Harvard Medical School -- he has two heads and is in a bottle at the lab.

In fact, I did a pilot out in Hollywood last week. There's a chance he'll let me move in with him.
Message: Posted by: rkrahlmann (Jan 9, 2003 02:56PM)
Whenever you're using a young volunteer, (under 12) ask them their name, age and if they're married. This usually gets a laugh.
Message: Posted by: cardfreakhk (Jan 11, 2003 12:56AM)
She picks a card. "Show all your friends." She puts it back. "Alright... I am not your friend."

"Believe me, I can remember all the cards. I am the second good memory person in the entire world... ah??? Who is the first??? I cannot remember..."

Michael Lam :bigsmile:
Message: Posted by: Joey Evans (Jan 21, 2003 03:38PM)
I thought I would put my two cents in since I read many good lines in here. Here are lines I use, some original, some not.

After a selection of a card, I say, "If I had to guess, I'd say your card was a red card, would I be right?" No? I'm glad I don't guess."

Is your card a red card? No? Actually they're all red cards. *Show red backs of red deck*

People ask if you have to go to a special school to learn magic, no, you have to ditch school to learn magic.

During the pick a card gag where the card moves, "Go ahead and pick a card, if one tends to stick out, feel free to pick that one."

If I drop something, "That's my floor show as you see it's picking up."

Do Sybil (a type of false flourish), "I'm now going to cut in a way similar to the way you cut at home."

If you borrow a $100.00 for a routine, every time you mention it lower the value. "So, let's recap, you sir, gave me a fifty, which I then put, what? Hundred? Whatever." "So now, let's take the envelope with the twenty." etc...

These are just some from the top of my head.
Message: Posted by: Zorak (Feb 6, 2003 09:06PM)
These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole...er...um...got it from.
Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.
Message: Posted by: Chris Berry (Feb 6, 2003 11:12PM)
[quote]
1. "And have we ever met before? And why do you think that is? The restraining order?"[/quote]



Best I've seen here in a while!!!


Chris
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Feb 6, 2003 11:59PM)
Wow! I luv a guy that lays his cards on the table! (waits for comedic pause) Master Card, Visa, American Express... :rotf:
Message: Posted by: mforteath (Feb 12, 2003 09:02PM)
Hey Brad, those lines are cool. I noticed some people say that they would never use them, but given the right situation, I bet they would!

I recently did a small show for all of my friends. When it came time to use the finger chopper, I got a mate to come and help. I showed the audience how sharp the blade is, and then looked at my mate. He was very unsure. Now, I said, I know what you are thinking, and I guess it would fit through the hole, but I am not at all interested in those parts of your anatomy, so I will settle with your finger. It got a laugh but I would pick the audience for that line!

Mark.
Message: Posted by: sdgiu (Mar 2, 2003 10:33PM)
[quote]
On 2003-02-06 22:06, Zorak wrote:
These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole... er... um... got it from.

Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.
[/quote]

Zorak
The first one is from Groucho :baby: Marx, and I believe the second is also, but I'm not sure. The third I have heard, but cannot place.

Steve :baby:
zzz

P.S. Great Thread
P.P.S. I try to steal my best stuff from Groucho, WC Fields, & Abbott & Costello. :clown:
Message: Posted by: Zorak (Mar 3, 2003 03:40PM)
A few more oldies from God knows where. I did this next trick at a midget convention last week... 300 midgets. I got a standing ovation and didn't even know it! (indicating size of midgets).

NOTE: To be politically correct you may want to say elves instead of midgets.)

Here is another: You are a good looking kid. You get your looks from your parents, you know. That's called heredity. Heredity, in other words, if your parents didn't have any kids, it's a good chance you won't either.

How about when you are positioning a kid volunteer to your left. You might say.
"Stand here on my right side. I would have you stand on my left... but that wouldn't be right."

An aside---Did you ever have someone ask you what you do and you reply, "I'm a magician." Only to have them come back with the retort," Oh yeah, what instrument do you play?" I always answer, "Your mind!"

Check out my website for free magic clipart at: kiddiekazam.com :sun:
Message: Posted by: paraguppie (Mar 21, 2003 10:25AM)
Some very funny stuff here. I read on "T-Meyers Magic" a great line for tips. When someone asks "do you work for tips?" you reply "yeah, the IRS is doing some sort of fund raiser and somehow I got involved." This gets a laugh EVERY time. I also like the lines for kids like "are you married?", but I go on with "what do you do for a living" (mom and dad usually like that one, the kid has no idea what to say) and my favorite "do you have any cool tattoos?". This one kills parents, kids under 10 or so. I can't give credit, cause I have no idea where they came from.
Keith :rotf:
Message: Posted by: inidyls (Mar 22, 2003 07:49PM)
Does anybody here have anything original!!!
(The topic is Funny lines for magicians. What are yours?) These's are yours so please give credit where credit is due! :stircoffee:
Message: Posted by: Rival11 (Apr 25, 2003 07:38AM)
A lot of your problems would not agree with my method - but I am normally vulgar when I am performing - mainly because I do my magic while out at bars, now please understand that I don't have a truckers mouth or anything, but I have been told after many performances that I am very funny, (which I love) one guy came up to me and told me that he was having one of the worst days ever until he caught my act, he said he liked the way I downed my spectators in a nice way.

I love to get my spectators frustrated because at first they think I'm a jerk but after only a couple of minutes I have them all laughing very hard - it's just the way I like to do things - I don't recommend using
"bad words" but hey, if it's your thing and you like it, but more importantly your audience likes it, then get out there and make them laugh!!!
Message: Posted by: Smudge (Jul 5, 2004 09:51AM)
A good put down....

Didn't you heckle me about five years ago? I never forget a suit.
Message: Posted by: Leland Stone (Jul 20, 2004 11:37AM)
Hiya, Magi:

It's not the usual type of heckler-stopper, and I'm not sure that it will ever come up again, but last night while doing strolling magic, a teenager grabbed my vest and demanded to know if THAT (indicating an inner pouch—on the vest, not me!) had anything to do with "it" (the magic he'd just seen).

I thought about making wise with the comments, but instead just started grabbing at the kid's T-shirt (not actually touching him) and basically doing my best chimp-like mimicry of his own motions: cocking my head to one side, opening my eyes wide in a quizzical way, etc. The crowd seemed to love it, a few people found it hilarious and laughed out loud, and the kid immediately mellowed out.

Jane Goodall documentary from Discovery.com: $39.99
Cheesy vest with a badly-hidden utility pouch: $8.00
Showing a smarmy little primate what he REALLY looks like: Priceless

Leland
Message: Posted by: Vibono Magic (Jul 23, 2004 05:57AM)
First one is an opner I heard from I beleave it is Petter Cook in a Monty Phyton special

"I have suffered for the sake of my art for manny years, and tonight it is your turn!"

The second one is from a spanishmagician (I don't know if it is his own)

"It is time for the trick you all been waiting for...
The Last one."

I have done some lines for so manny years that I don't remember where I got them from.

"Thanks for letting me borow this bill. It was 10 years sence I did this dissepearing money trick now and I realy enjoy beeing out again"

"Would you like to earn 100$? ok meet me after the show"

For a rockt raccoon rutine
"He is not real...Used to be thou"

And finaly

"Thank you you'v been the best audience I'v ever plaed for! I know it's an old line but that what was written in my script"
Message: Posted by: mattmann101 (Aug 4, 2004 08:14AM)
LOL. I like the vast majority of these lines, it's just a shame that I've forgotten the vast majority already!

"Could you raise your hands a little lower please?"
- Always good with a sly look to the rest of the audience as the spec raises or lowers their hands!

"Put your hands the same distance apart"

Other advanteages of these are they get the specs thinking of things other than burning your hands, though I think that's a good feature of any comedy in magic!
Message: Posted by: ed rhodes (Aug 5, 2004 08:03AM)
[quote]
On 2002-09-04 18:47, mike4dice wrote:
WOW! There are some great ideas in this thread. First time I looked at it.

Here's one of my favorites:

When you drop something (and you will!)

"That was caused by a sudden surge of gravity!"

mike :rotf:
[/quote]

I had a friend of mine who wasn't a magician, whenever something around him fell he'd go; "Gravity check!" Look at the item on the ground and continue; "Yep, it still works!"

[quote]
On 2002-10-13 01:25, Samuel Catoe wrote:
When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! :rotf:

Samuel
[/quote]

I think that was Boris Karloff.

[quote]
On 2003-01-09 15:56, rkrahlmann wrote:
Whenever you're using a young volunteer, (under 12) ask them their name, age and if they're married. This usually gets a laugh.
[/quote]

I used to do David Ginn's Linking Ring Routine with a young boy and girl from the audience. I would ask the boy his name, age and if he was married. Then I'd ask the girl her name, age and if she was married. When she said "no," I pause, look back at the first volunteer and say; "Bobby, I think I got somebody for you here!"

Parents seem to like it!

[quote]
On 2003-01-11 01:56, cardfreakhk wrote:
She picks a card. "Show all your friends." She puts it back. "Alright... I am not your friend."

"Believe me, I can remember all the cards. I am the second good memory person in the entire world... ah??? Who is the first??? I cannot remember..."

Michael Lam :bigsmile:
[/quote]

I remember a guy talking about performing for British journalists. He started his routine saying; "They say the second thing to go is your memory..." and someone heckled; "Oh yeah, and 'What's the first? I can't remember!' You'll have to do better than that!" the magician responded; "I wasn't going to say that... I would never say that in a million years!" The heckler responded; "So? What the _first_ thing to go then?" And the magician quietly responded; "Your manners!"

[quote]
On 2003-03-02 23:33, sdgiu wrote:
[quote]
On 2003-02-06 22:06, Zorak wrote:
These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole... er... um... got it from.

Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.
[/quote]

Zorak
The first one is from Groucho :baby: Marx, and I believe the second is also, but I'm not sure. The third I have heard, but cannot place.


Actually, I read somewhere that the "how do you know it's me" line can be traced back to an ancient 17th or 18th century book of humor.

I used to do the Ropes Through A Person (Grandmother's Necklace principle) with a volunteer. After having him properly trussed up, I would say;

"Now don't worry, I'm a professional, I've done this trick _dozens_ of times... (quietly) it's actually worked twice!"
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Aug 5, 2004 03:07PM)
[quote]
On 2003-01-08 11:04, kasper777 wrote:
Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.
[/quote]

I like to encourage the spectator to ask how I did a trick by assuring them that a magician never reveals his secret but because I am a Christian magician I will have to tell the truth if I am asked. Then when they ask me point blank, "How did you do that trick?" I reply, "Very well, don't you think?"
Message: Posted by: ed rhodes (Aug 6, 2004 05:15AM)
[quote]
On 2004-08-05 16:07, weepinwil wrote:
[quote]
On 2003-01-08 11:04, kasper777 wrote:
Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.
[/quote]

I like to encourage the spectator to ask how I did a trick by assuring them that a magician never reveals his secret but because I am a Christian magician I will have to tell the truth if I am asked. Then when they ask me point blank, "How did you do that trick?" I reply, "Very well, don't you think?"
[/quote]

I actually hate that line. I prefer "With great dilligence and practice over many months of time... or magical pixies, I can never remember which!"
Message: Posted by: trombley (Aug 10, 2004 12:51PM)
If I am doing a cut and restored rope or something like that I always get a spectator to come and examine it. I usually tell them that they are the eyes for the rest of the audience and to look for any trap doors, mirrors etc. Also if I get someone to shuffle or cut I usually say. " now do it just like we practised." when the helper doesn't know what you are talking about. you can then say to the audience. "well if this trick doesn't work its (helpers) fault.
Message: Posted by: el toro (Aug 13, 2004 01:21AM)
When bringing on the ropes for a rope routine:

"And now some rope magic. Actually last time I brought forward the ropes one guy yelled at me: CALM DOWN, YOU WEREN'T THAT BAD."
Message: Posted by: AlmostAmazingJames (Aug 15, 2004 12:39PM)
What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?" I pretend it is funny every time I hear it.
Message: Posted by: Danny Archer (Aug 17, 2004 06:40PM)
[quote]
On 2004-08-15 13:39, AlmostAmazingJames wrote:
What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?"

[/quote]

I say, "Buddy I'm from Philadelphia .. for the right price anybody can disappear" ...
Message: Posted by: harris (Aug 18, 2004 06:07PM)
Re: Stock Lines.

At a meeting a few months ago, a visiting comic asked me questions that many comics have asked me.

Why do many magicians use the same stock lines.
Why do they think it is okay to borrow/steal others lines, and think they are as funny as the originator.

Yes I do use some stock lines.

When I started in magic I was also a Comedy - Club - Want- to Be. I was taught, (not so politely) about using my material versus other peoples.

I love bringing my other interest into my magic.

That is where my Laughology Program began to develop.
An upcoming venue is a conference called:

Transforming Lives through Spirituality, Faith and Addiction Recovery...

A few lines I will use...

I was raised Jewish. In college I studied Buddhism.
Guess I was a He-Bu

Now my wife and I go to a Catholic Church.

Guess we are Cash-ews. (Cath-Jews).

Funny but true department.

Spirituality is in the eye of the beholder....

Lawrence Welk once played Brewer and Shipley's

One Toke over the Line, on one of the Sunday Night Programs.

Guess he thought it was a Gospel Tune.

Cue the music....

One toke over the line sweet jesus....


Which leads to one of my newest parody songs.

I play the first few bars of Dixie on my harmonica...

Nigel (pictured in the avatar to the left....)

Oh he smoked Marijuana and his tongue was like cotton..
went to 7-11 with the munchies very often...
toke away...
toke away...
he toked his life all away!
(above parody song given as an example without permission to use or republish)

Harris Deutsch
Laughologist and Parody Song Writer
http://www.nearlynormalmagic.com
Message: Posted by: amadrigal (Sep 4, 2004 05:14AM)
[quote]
On 2004-08-15 13:39, AlmostAmazingJames wrote:
What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?" I pretend it is funny every time I hear it.

[/quote]

I always say "Yeah but it involves a lot of federal agents and a lot of time in the BIG HOUSE!"
It works for me all the time
Message: Posted by: Conlaw (Sep 11, 2004 04:26PM)
Here is a line that works for me - not to shut up hecklers but to get a little giggle from the audience.

I will ask for a volunteer and I will always pick the best looking woman I can find. Then I ask her, "Do you know why I need you as an assistant?". They always say "No". And I reply, "Well, this is will be the first time I have ever tried effect in front of a crowd. In fact, there is a strong chance that things will go wrong. I need you up here so that even if everything does go wrong the rest of the audience will still have seen something amazing!"

I then proceed with the effect and afterwards I get the audience to give my amazing assitant a huge round of applause.

Conlaw
Message: Posted by: flobiwan (Sep 13, 2004 10:12AM)
I heard a great one at the MAES convention over the weekend. Danny Allen used it as a closing line. Not sure if it's original with him, though. (Actually, it may have been Duane Laflin. not sure). Good line if you're performing at a hotel.

"I'd like to leave you with a bit of advice. When you're checking out of your hotel room and they ask you if everything was alright, say 'everything was wonderful! Your towels were so big and fluffy I could hardly get my suitcase closed!'"
Message: Posted by: music (Sep 20, 2004 05:12PM)
When I borrow a finger ring from a lady I look like I'm reading an inscription and say "Is your name China?"
Message: Posted by: Tate (Sep 21, 2004 06:40PM)
As far as I know this line is original with me, it came to me in the middle of a show recently. It was during the handshaking gags at a birthday party. I mentioned that grownups try to be funny by asking grownup questions like, "Well, Mary, did you bring your husband with you today?" I used to say, "Of course, Mary isn't married." But at this party there were a lot of Moms and Dads sitting around watching, so I said, "Of course Mary's husband isn't here. On a pretty Saturday like this, he's out on the golf course." I looked up at the Moms and they were all laughing and the Dads were looking guilty.
Message: Posted by: Zach Allen (Sep 22, 2004 07:50PM)
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On 2004-08-05 09:05, mandrake01 wrote:
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On 2002-10-13 01:25, Samuel Catoe wrote:
When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! :rotf:

Samuel
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I think that was Boris Karloff.
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Steven King, actually.

Zach
Message: Posted by: Mike Brezler (Mar 27, 2005 09:15PM)
I always say as I start the show... "Please notice at no time do my hands ever leave my arms." It gets a chuckle from the adults in the room.

When I have an adult that I don't know come up to help with a trick I say...
"Don't I know you? I think we went to different schools together."