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Topic: Mentalism's a joke
Message: Posted by: dyddanwy (Jul 26, 2004 09:15AM)
I was hoping the title would grab your attention. :lol:

In the “Osterlind or Banachek?” thread Cardiac mentioned this joke:

A magician says to his friend, "Joe, you gotta help me, I need $1,000.00 for my wife, she's in the hospital". He says, "I'd give you the money, but I'd be afraid you would spend it on magic".

"No, Joe, you don't understand, money for magic I got..."

Which made me smile, and then started me wondering… Are there any other jokes for, or about, mentalists (or magicians)? Are there any mentalist-widow jokes that are comparable to the golf-widow ones…?

The only other mental-themed joke I have heard was a Ronnie Corbett tale on The Two Ronnies (circa 1977), it went something like (and, because of it’s age (and mine), I paraphrase horribly):

“A man (let’s call him Sid) answered an ad in a paper offering to teach anyone to be a mind-reader.

Sid is invited to the great mentalist’s home (let’s call the Great Mentalist Kenton) and instructed to hand over £100 before being led into the garden. Here he is shown the lawn, the plants and the flowerbeds. ‘Great,’ Sid thinks, ‘£100, and all I get is a tour of the garden.’

Then, Kenton hands Sid the end of a hosepipe and insists that he points it towards his face. Kenton walks solemnly away, uncoiling the rest of the hose. He attaches the other end to a garden tap. At this Sid cries out in shock: ‘Wait, wait, I know what you are going to do…’

‘Ah,’ says Kenton, ‘my methods are working.’”

Anyone have any other (better) mentalist jokes they would care to share?

JD (Still smiling) :dance:
Message: Posted by: cardiac (Jul 26, 2004 10:03AM)
Why was the mentalist staring at the carton of orange juice?

Because it said on the label "Concentrate".
Message: Posted by: dr chutney (Jul 26, 2004 10:12AM)
Marc the mentalist goes into his local stockist and the owner, Peter, says, "Good job you came in today..."

"I know."

"...because I've got something that will make your reputation," Peter brings out a parrot in a cage from under the counter. "Voila! A mindreading parrot!"

"You'll have to work hard to sell that to me," says Marc.

"OK, watch."

Peter hands Marc a deck of cards.

"Go on pick one."

Marc does so and Peter pulls a string attached to the parrot's right leg.

"Five of hearts", squawks the parrot correctly.

"Amazing," says Marc, "Show me something else."

Peter hands him a notebook and a pencil.

"Draw something."

Marc does so. Peter pulls a piece of string on the parrot's left leg.

"A house!" squawks the parrot correctly.

"Brilliant," says Marc. "Now what happens if I pull both strings?"

"Call yourself a mindreader?" squawks the parrot. "I fall of the **** perch!"
Message: Posted by: mattisdx (Jul 26, 2004 10:57AM)
Message: Posted by: rickmagic1 (Jul 26, 2004 10:57AM)
Haraldo the Great was the world's greatest mindreader and hypnotist. He had advertised that his performance on Saturday evening would be his greatest triumph. The ad stated that he, Haroldo the Great, would hypnotize the entire audience.
Well, when Saturday night came, not an empty chair could not be found! People were cramming in the aisles, on the floor, children sitting on parents' laps to make more room.
Haroldo performed his great feats of mindreading to much enthusiasm, but then the time came. He stepped forward onto the bare stage and simply stated, "It is time. I will at this time cause every man, woman, boy and girl in this auditorium to fall into a hypnotic trance." He took out what appeared to be a very old pocket watch. Haroldo said, "In my hands, I have the watch that once belonged to Dunninger himself. It is both priceless and my prized possession. As I swing the watch back and forth, do not take your eyes off of it. You will begin feeling sleepy, sleepy..." Haroldo began moving the watch left to right, left to right, swinging it slowly. He whispered, "when I clap my hands, the entire room will sleep, then obey my every commmand".
As eyes around the auditorium began to close, Haroldo clapped his hands. At once every head in the auditorium nodded down, but Haroldo lost his grip on the watch and it fell to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. "CRAP", exclaimed Haroldo.

It took 3 weeks and a crew of 40 men to clean the auditorium

Message: Posted by: dr chutney (Jul 26, 2004 11:00AM)
Two mindreaders meet in the street. One says to the other,
"You're fine, how am I?"
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Jul 26, 2004 11:22AM)
A Magician/Mentalist goes into a bar in New York City with a Parrot on his head...the bartender say's "Where did you get that?"

The Parrot say's "Tannens...there's a bunch of 'em in there."
Message: Posted by: Banachek (Jul 26, 2004 11:26AM)
My brain...It's my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen
Message: Posted by: Anabelle (Jul 26, 2004 11:37AM)
Very cute stuff guys!

Message: Posted by: Dr_Stephen_Midnight (Jul 26, 2004 12:48PM)
Husband (thinking): "Do you believe in ESP?"

Wife (thinking): "No."

Message: Posted by: Banachek (Jul 26, 2004 01:05PM)
When asked, "it must be awful being married to you, your poor wife can't get away with anything."

I always reply, "no, it is tougher for me, my wife does the same kind of things, so when she is PMS-ing (sp), she is yelling at me for things I haven't even done yet, but that I am going to do!"
Message: Posted by: Marc Spelmann (Jul 26, 2004 01:33PM)
How many mentalists does it take to put up a lightbulb???

None, the stooge does it...
Message: Posted by: mindhunter (Jul 26, 2004 09:45PM)
"Did you hear about the midget mind-reader that escaped from the assylum?"

(Bryn gets ready for the boos....)

"They are looking for a small Medium at-large....."
Message: Posted by: dyddanwy (Jul 27, 2004 04:43AM)
Many thanks for the fun.

I loved 'Dunninger's Watch', Rick.
And Bryn's 'escaped midget' made me cry.

Banachek and Steve's thoughts about home life also reminded me of a recent incident. I was driving with my wife along a reasonably quiet road. Abruptly, the car in front slowed and moved into the middle of the road, then without any indication it swerved back in front of us, crossed our path and sped off down a side road to our left. I had to break sharply. Under my breath I cursed the driver's thoughtlessnes: @$%#&*! idiot, what do you think I am, a mind-reader?" To which my wife added, quietly, "That's what you claim!"

Message: Posted by: NJJ (Jul 27, 2004 11:04PM)
Here is a good joke for mindreaders.

Message: Posted by: Richard Evans (Jul 28, 2004 01:25PM)
Hear about the mentalist/psychic who had to cancel a show due to unforseen circumstances?
Message: Posted by: muzicman (Jul 29, 2004 09:20AM)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend once....

But she dumped me before we could meet!!
Message: Posted by: Cabrera (Aug 1, 2004 09:40PM)
You wrote: "Here is a good joke for mindreaders"


Careful with those risque jokes Nicholas, the grammar host may not appreciate it!
Message: Posted by: Danny Archer (Aug 17, 2004 06:52PM)
If you beleive in telekineses .. raise my hand ...
Message: Posted by: Caliban (Aug 18, 2004 07:24AM)
In the UK there's a magazine called Psychic News. I never understood that. I mean, what's news to someone who's psychic?
Message: Posted by: joseph (Aug 23, 2004 09:17AM)
Here is an experiment in mind over matter.... and with my mind, it doesn't matter....

I come from a family of mentalists.... Take my grandfather; He knew the exact moment he was going to die.... a judge told him... (Larry Jennings).......
Message: Posted by: Banachek (Aug 25, 2004 10:29PM)
Why doesn't Kreskin have kids?

Because he has crystal B a **s
Message: Posted by: Carron (Aug 26, 2004 08:24AM)
I love this thread guys, haven't laughed at a computer screen for quite a while


Message: Posted by: ed rhodes (Aug 28, 2004 09:43AM)
On 2004-07-26 22:45, mindhunter wrote:
"Did you hear about the midget mind-reader that escaped from the assylum?"

(Bryn gets ready for the boos....)

"They are looking for a small Medium at-large....."


I saw one in Magic Magazine;

It's rare to find a medium who's seance is well-done!
Message: Posted by: Sid Mayer (Aug 28, 2004 04:55PM)

Read any good minds lately?
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Nov 30, 2004 03:05AM)
Loved the jokes all. Brilliant.

Only one I know is just a normal magicians joke. You have probably heard it but...

A Magician on a cruiseliner is having a tough time with a parrot during his act. The parrot keeps blurting out, "Its up his sleeve...", "Its hidden in the drink...", etc. At the peak of his final trick, as the pyro's go off, the ship hits an iceburg and sinks. The magician wakes up on a broken piece of wood, drifting on the open ocean. Just his luck, the parrot is on the same piece of wood, staring at him. Two weeks go by when the parrot skwalks, " OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
Message: Posted by: Bill Palmer (Dec 2, 2004 03:16AM)
Okay. This is an old joke, but so are most of the others.

When television finally got a foothold in the entertainment market, many of the old vaudevillians couldn't find work in their chosen fields. One such case was an excellent ventriloquist. He wasn't photogenic enough for television, and he didn't want to sell shoes, so he rented a little 10 by 10 office and set up shop as a spirit medium.

He had a sign out front that said "Have you lost a loved one? The medium will let you speak directly to your dearly departed."

And he did a pretty good business. He wasn't getting rich, but he was making ends meet. Then one day, a wealthy woman came into his shop and said, "Sir, if I pay you $1,500, do you gaurantee that I can speak directly to my late husband?"

He replied, "Madam, for $1,500, you will not only be able to speak directly to your dead husband, but I'll drink a glass of water at the same time!"
Message: Posted by: Laban (Dec 18, 2004 06:39PM)
Another old one.
A person walks into a Mind-reader and a conversation begins :
P: Say, are you a real mind reader?
MR: Why, yes I am!
*suddenly, the person raises his fist and and BLASTs that guys face off*
P: Well then you should have seen it coming!
Message: Posted by: redstreak (Dec 18, 2004 11:10PM)
One day, a real psychic and a fake psychic were walking down the street blindfolded. The fake one walked into a bar. The real one ducked.
Message: Posted by: joseph (Dec 21, 2004 06:10AM)
A medium didn't pay her bills....They repossesed her....
Message: Posted by: John Born (Dec 22, 2004 09:07PM)
My grandfather was a mentalist, my father was a mentalist, and I'm not working either...
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 22, 2004 09:58PM)
A guy is walking through town to meet someone, and he's running late. He approaches a homeless man reclining under a bright neon-sign, and asks if he happens to know the time. The homeless guy has no watch, but he puts his left hand to his forehead as though concentrating, and says "It's 5:17." The man thanks the guy & gives him a dollar. He asks the next person he sees wearing a watch the time, and sure enough, the bum had it right!

After his meeting, the man is walking back to his car, and he sees the same homeless guy under the neon sign. Curious, he walks up & asks him the time again (this time knowing it himself)....again, the bum puts his hand to his brow, and says "It's 7:21". The man says "WOW!! That's really amazing! Listen, this mental power....can you teach it to me? I'll give you a hundred dollars if you do!" The bum agrees, pockets the money, and instructs the man to stand where he was sitting.
BUM: Okay, now look about 2 inches to the left
MAN: Allright.
BUM: Now hold your hand above your eyes to block the neon glare.
MAN: Yeah....okay.
BUM See that big clock on the tower between those 2 buildings?
Message: Posted by: Bill Palmer (Dec 23, 2004 11:03PM)
On 2004-12-21 07:10, joseph wrote:
A medium didn't pay her bills....They repossesed her....
Tell it right.

Did you hear about the fellow who didn't pay his exorcist?

He was repossessed.
Message: Posted by: joseph (Dec 24, 2004 07:58AM)
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Dec 24, 2004 08:46AM)
It seems like there is a bunch of patter that always gets changed around.
Message: Posted by: WhiteAngel (Dec 24, 2004 12:10PM)
I'd tell you all one but I'm sure that you know it......
Message: Posted by: RJE (Dec 24, 2004 12:49PM)
I am now going to attempt to do a simple mind reading trick for which I need the assistance of someone with a simple mind...
Message: Posted by: The Mac (Dec 25, 2004 11:44AM)
I've got one..its about a magician and its very very naughty

So here's the warning this joke is restricted 2-16: (please don't ban me for this!)

During a lull in his show a magician invites anyone from the audience to do a magic trick. A drunk guy wobbles on stage and then says he will need the magicians female assistant.

The man then undresses the assistant and proceeds with intimicies.

The magician exclaims : Hey! that's not a trick.

the drunk replies : yeah, but its _ _ _ _ing magic!!

I told you it was bad..please don't ban me!!
Message: Posted by: WhiteAngel (Dec 25, 2004 10:18PM)
I just thought of this one, don't know if it's any good, though. A middle aged couple go to a magic show. During th ecourse of the show, the magician chooses the wife to help with a trick. When the magician vanishes the wife, the man shoots the magician, and leaves. The police catch the man, and when questioned why he shot the guy, he said "cause he was going to bring her back....."
Message: Posted by: munger (Jan 5, 2005 10:38AM)
I hope you are not upset about this one and I hope I can translate it good enough to English.
It´s a well-known magician joke here in Austria.

Two men are sitting in the sauna(hope this is the correct name in English for the small wooden, hot, rooms in Skandinavia where you are nacked an sweat).
the not magician ask the magician if he can show him a trick, naked too.
the magician asks the other man to bend over and says:
"can you feel my thumb?" the other one : "yes"
the magcician:" see, and there are 2 more"

sorry for that one :)
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Jan 6, 2005 05:22AM)
LOL that was a good one Munger. Your English is not too bad. If anyone has a problem with it, tell them to speak your language.

Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 6, 2005 06:31AM)
Munger you are correct on the name
Message: Posted by: Chris Keppel (Jan 6, 2005 11:06PM)
I don't get any of these jokes. Just kidding, not only do I get them, but I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO POST THEM. How's that for being mentely insane, I mean a mentel freak, I mean a guy who knows stuff
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Jan 7, 2005 02:13AM)
I knew you would say that. No I didn't! Yes I did! Please excuse me while I go outside and beat myself up.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 7, 2005 09:44AM)
While wolfie is outside changing his mind hopefully he'll remeber to put it back in.
Message: Posted by: bitterman (Feb 13, 2005 03:53PM)
Here's a good one for the mentalist:

"Knock knock".
Message: Posted by: bnadworn (Feb 16, 2005 01:55PM)
Seen on a bumper sticker: If you are a telepath think "Honk"

From a newspaper ad: There will be a meeting of the ESP club. For more information please call.

Olga went to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids fluttered, her voice warbled, her hands floated up above the table, and she started moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanated, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

Olga, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, answered, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" Olga repeated.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

Olga looked puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

She paused for a moment then said, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Message: Posted by: dyddanwy (Feb 16, 2005 04:13PM)

I could almost hear John Edwards voice in your post above. LOL. I like the Bumper sticker too.
Message: Posted by: Parson Smith (Mar 16, 2005 03:52PM)
"Reading some people's minds is like trying to mow grass on a sidewalk.
Message: Posted by: Michael Peterson (Nov 21, 2007 01:16PM)
Some people believe in telekinesis, I prefer my telekinephews ! :baby:

Message: Posted by: mesmer (Nov 21, 2007 10:00PM)
We mentalist is a lot like Lawyer....we lie, we steal, we cheat and we got paid!
Message: Posted by: Sealegs (May 21, 2008 08:43AM)
I had a latex brain, (Not in my head.. it was a prop) and wrote a few 'comedy club' gags for it that I never got round to performing.

one was, "last night I picked a girl up in a bar took her back to my place we f***ed each others brains out.... and these are hers!

Another equally as gross was the idea of filling the hollow latex brain with water and sqirting it out the handy hole in the back of it while saying,
"Here's quick impression of me last night.....pi**ed out my brains"

Message: Posted by: Eric Lott (May 22, 2008 01:06PM)
Did you hear about the midget psychic who robbed a bank? The headline in the morning paper was:

Small Medium at Large

This isn't really a joke, but one routine I do is kind of mental magic. I ask the spectator, "Do you believe in mind reading?" If the answer is yes, then you say "Ahh, you must be married too." Or if the answer is no, you can say "Would you tell that to my wife."
Message: Posted by: Eric Lott (May 22, 2008 01:08PM)
Another one I've used is when choosing a spectator, say "Is there anyone in the audience who would like to have their mind read?" After looking around a second or two, find some guy in the back and say something like "Sir, I'm quite sure you don't everyone knowing what you're thinking."
Message: Posted by: brilliant (May 25, 2008 02:17AM)
I only took up reading minds becasue it was cheaper than The New Yorker.

"Ok," says the Great Randi in his deep sonerous voice as the TV lights glare down on him, "for one million dollars, read my mind..."
The mentalist shuffles to the microphone, closes his eyes and concentrates. Finally he starts mumbling, "ha! This is money for old rope, expose a few wackos, collect my pay cheque, get my face on TV and... ****... did he just... no... ****... he's saying what I'm... but... oh ****ty **** ****, gotta shut him up... where the hell am I going to get a million bucks, fu..."
The Great Randi suddenly takes the microphone, smiling. "Thank you, thank you. But the word I was thinking of was,'House'".
Message: Posted by: joseph (May 25, 2008 06:11AM)
"Five dollars for one question!" said the woman to the fortune teller.
"That's very expensive, isn't it?"
"Next!" ...