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Topic: Proud to be British ?
Message: Posted by: paulajayne (Sep 24, 2004 11:31AM)
-Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
-Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
-Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
-Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
-Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
-Only in Britain... are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.

>3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
>142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
>58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
>31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
>19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
>British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
>101 people since 1999 had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
>18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
>A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
>5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

>In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Sep 24, 2004 02:17PM)
All of the above (except the numbers of victims) can be said of the US as well. All of it.

I looked to my Brit Ancestors in the West Midlands for the only sense I had...guess I'll change that line of thinking!
:)

Doug
Message: Posted by: Flec (Sep 28, 2004 03:36AM)
Hehe made me chuckle
Message: Posted by: Scruffy the Clown (Oct 4, 2004 06:38PM)
Very humourus.

I've seen the same one for us "Yanks", but it applies to those of us on the other side of the pond as well.
Message: Posted by: Steve James (Nov 29, 2004 03:56AM)
Yep, very proud because we had Tommy Cooper!
Steve,
Spoon Jar,Jar Spoon.
Message: Posted by: k (Nov 29, 2004 04:23AM)
What do you call someone that can speak 3 languages? A trilingual.
2 langages? A bilingual.
1 language? An English...

Can be performed to almost all English natives....
Message: Posted by: Regan (Nov 29, 2004 06:18AM)
Paula,

As Doug said, that sounds like Americans too. I guess that is proof that our ancestors were British.

Regan
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 7, 2004 11:08PM)
Hello!!! Ah...last time I checked, both of us (U.S. & U.K.) are, you know sort of...world-class ecenomic military & nuclear powers? Between our 2 countries we have the strongest currency in the world, a global empire (both past & present), more nobel prizes than the 3 runner-up nations all combined, more olympic gold medals than any 2 other nations, our language dominates 2 continents (N.America & Australia) which is 2 MORE than any other language, inventions include(in chronological order) crop-rotation, the coke smelter, the steel plow, the telephone, the electric light, the tank, the airplane, the liquid-fuel rocket, and the computer.

This may sound pompous, but the fact is, WE don't NEED to know their languages....THEY need to know OURS!
Message: Posted by: redbull (Dec 7, 2004 11:48PM)
Now I remember why we American's left.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth?? wow.

Troy
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 8, 2004 03:11AM)
Um...er... I think our stats are a bit worse.
*Wolf hangs his head in shame*
Message: Posted by: RJE (Dec 8, 2004 03:53PM)
Hey Mighty Fool, you might want to check your facts. The strongest currency would probably be the Euro. The Wright brothers did not invent flight, they were just another link in the chain toward modern flight and they based their ideas on Octave Chanute's ideas who got his ideas from....Do you mean Canada's Graham Bell for the telephone inventor? The rocket was invented by Nazi scientists during WWII and finally, just for the heck of it, not everyone thinks being imperialistic is such a good thing.

Anyway, all in fun and nobody gets hurt.

Cheers, RJE
Message: Posted by: magicgeorge (Dec 8, 2004 04:14PM)
Graham Bell didn't invent the telephone, anyhow, he nicked it off an Italian who couldn't afford to register it.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Dec 8, 2004 04:17PM)
Gee evreyone was stealing back then to Yikes
Message: Posted by: Wards Back (Dec 8, 2004 04:45PM)
Magicgeorge:

Yeah, and the Italians nicked 'pasta' off the Chinese.

/of course without marinara, its only just noodles.
Message: Posted by: RJE (Dec 8, 2004 04:54PM)
Ah yes, but who invented the left handed pencil and can you push it through the paper currency of your choice without leaving a hole????Hmmmmm??
Message: Posted by: Wards Back (Dec 8, 2004 04:54PM)
Definition of heaven & Hell:

HEAVEN:

British are the Police,
Germans are the Mechanics,
French are the Chefs,
Italians are the Lovers,
Swiss are the Bankers.

HELL:

British are the Chefs,
Germans are the Police,
French are the Mechanics,
Italians are the Bankers,
Swiss are the Lovers.

/all in good fun don'tcha know! :hysteric:
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 9, 2004 07:16AM)
HELL!!!

South Africans are chefs
South Africans are police
South Africans are Mechanics
South Africans are Bankers
South Africans are Lovers

*Wolf still hangs his head in shame*
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Dec 9, 2004 08:04AM)
Yay It's Proud to be a Brit.
Message: Posted by: bobser (Dec 12, 2004 06:20PM)
All of 'paulajayne's' stuff is true.
However in 1990 it took an American to be the only on either side of 'the pond' to visit the hospital three times in the same year with gerbil problems. Rumour has it he was both an officer and a gentleman.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 13, 2004 01:51AM)
*Sigh*

Nothing good to Say
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Dec 13, 2004 02:59AM)
Gerbil Problems I hope its not Contagious.
Message: Posted by: RJE (Dec 13, 2004 05:57PM)
The infamous Gerbil trick! Apparently, the vanish was the easy part, it was the reappearance that wasn't well rehearsed. Nasty, some would say it stinks. I'd say I'm embarassed to even know what you're talking about. hahaha
Message: Posted by: Mario Morris (Dec 13, 2004 08:52PM)
Hi Paula, Steve did you know that Tommy Cooper was born in Wales, British and Welsh with it, born in Caerphilly he was.

I am proud to be Welsh. Don't get me wroung I love Brittan, Empty Coal Mines, Queen, Torries I meant Labour, Cold, Wet, Tax, Tax, Tax, I love Brittan but when the last one leaves can they turn off the lights.

I`ve always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once and it died.

*"Someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen. It said: "PARKING FINE."

*I Went to the Dentist. He said say aaah."
I said: "why?" He said: "My dog`s died."

I went to the doctor. He said: You`ve got a very serious illness." I said; "I want a second opinion." He said, "All right, you`re very ugly as well."

Mmmmmmm, UK, the next time I trip up on rubbish from a Curry house, all catch some guy peeing on my front door, I mean Brittan what is good about this hole, FISH AND CHIPS AND REAL BEAR.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does that taste funny to you?"

Mario
Message: Posted by: Daniel Faith (Dec 13, 2004 09:57PM)
Don your not a Brit. Whatcha talkin bout boy.

You know it's funny because I have seen this same list getting sent around here in the states but British is changed to American.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 14, 2004 01:49AM)
Gerbils. I will rather leave those with fetishes to themselves and their poor pets. Gives new meaning to loving your pet. I know stories about more than just Gerbils let me tell you.
Message: Posted by: Wards Back (Dec 14, 2004 06:30PM)
Well us 'Yanks' do a lot of silly things too.

Examples:

Why do we drive in a parkway, but park in a driveway?

Why do we put locks on the doors of 24-hour convenience stores?

/btw, the Richard Gere/gerbil thing is an urban legend; see Snopes.com.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 15, 2004 12:09AM)
True Fact. I was told by a Policeman about three weeks ago about a woman they arrested for shoplifting an iron. don't ask where she hid it, but they could not get it out without surgery. Not a good visual Image. *Shudder*

Regards
Wolflock
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 15, 2004 12:47AM)
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed someone in the woods?

Anyhoo, to be a bit more specific, the Wright Bros. invented POWERED flight. There were several ballon flights and glider flights beforehand. The Italian's invention of the radio lead to the rumor that they also invented the phone, but there isn't much past heresay for that. The Euro is stronger than either the dollar or the pound (though the pound isn't off by much) but if the two were ever combined the result would be stronger. Therefore, in theory, the UK can continue to defy the 'join-or-else' tactics of the EU as long as it has a currency advantage with the US and Canada. Whenever someone does or invents something, especially if it was long ago, everyone or every nation which dosent particularly like that person or the nation he belongs to tries their darndest to belittle the accomplishment with all sorts of wacky conspiracy / revisionist history theories which don't prove anything, yet can't themselves be DIS-proven, as theyre only theories. If we were to accept every half-baked consptheory which was out there......

-->The Africans discovered&/developed crop-rotation, steel, higher-geometrey, PI, irrigation, democracy, the catapult, and atomic theory....which the Europeans somehow beat out of them when they were enslaved
-->John F. Kenedey was shot by no less than 7 people, working for 16 different countries & organizations, from 88 different locations.
-->Jesus was 1/8 african, 1/8 chineese, 1/8 Egyptian, 1/8 Russian, 1/8 Hebrew, 1/8 Assyrian, and 1/4 Indian.
-->The Chinese discovered America in the 13th century
-->The battles of Hastings and Tours never took place. The Normans acquired England via treaty, and the Muslims simply found France to be too darn cold, so they turned back.
-->The Japanese invented the Atomic-bomb, but they couldn't get anyone to fly the mission to drop it on anything. (I guess they were out of Kamikaze pilots)

BTW....why did Kamikaze pilots wear HELMETS???
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 15, 2004 07:26AM)
And safety belts in the cockpit?
Message: Posted by: Mario Morris (Dec 15, 2004 08:47PM)
I am Proud to be British, but you Yanks seem bent on the idea that you got to go one better than us. (That is us the British, not us, as in US)

This is Hardily a race to the moon. I mean how many times do we need to be told *the same can be said for the Americans.*

Do you guys feel left out? All is there no stone you can not leave unturned on your quest for world Rule?

I mean if you Yanks want us Brits to bend the knee (again)and crown you the most absurd country in the world, well don't worry we all ready know.

God Save The Queen! (or at least Wales)
lol Mario
P.S I put lol there just in case you yanks did not know that I was joking, because the Brits have got the best sense of humor in the World.
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 16, 2004 12:46AM)
Hey....the UK certainly isn't in a position to talk down to the US for what's widely percieved as our 'empire-building'. Who the heck do you think we picked that trait up from? (learned from the master you might say) While all the other insecure European countries, huddling together in their little club (the EU) wail, moan, point fingers and scream at the US's "world-domination attempt", Britain just sits there, shaking it's head as if to say "Been there....done that." Well, let me alleviate everyone's fears...the US does NOT want to conquer the world. I fail to see why ANYONE would want to. Do you have any conception of the HEADACHE it would be to rule the planet?? The power bills alone...! So if no one conquers it, will the world ever simply unite of it's own accord? Here's what to do if you'd like to see global unification: Forget it. That is so mind-paralyzingly impossible it's not even funny. No one will ever unite a world with 183 languages, 345 religions, 19867 conflicting civil laws /codes, 34988 fetishes, and 2344 brands of beer.
Message: Posted by: Mario Morris (Dec 16, 2004 05:14AM)
You may want to let Bush know about that, he has been left in the dark (again).

Indecently the EU (little) is the biggest unification of political power in the world and it is growing, collectively these insecure European countries has more military clout than any other union in the World. (I fear EU) The ball is rolling to think we went to war to prevent this.

It does appear that the race really is on. I suggest that we start to learn to speak French or German it may soon become compulsorily.

Mind you ordering Fish and Chips with a French accent will never sound right. My last thought, it is good to laugh in all situations, laugh or weep, or better still laugh with tears of a clown.

God Save The Queen! (or at least Wales)
Mario
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 16, 2004 01:20PM)
Fear the EU??? What are they gonna do...ANNOY us to death? Collectively, yes these EU nations have "more millitary clout than any other UNION in the world".....but there are some SINGLE NATIONS like China, India and Russia, which would still outstrip them, and they would only be about 30% bigger than our (the US) armed forces. Also, that's IF they acted collectively, and that's one B-I-G 'if'. They have no central standing army, nor do I think they'd ever be able to decide on which nationality would command it if there was one. You can have all the ecenomic & trading clout in the world (look at OPEC), but if you can't beat people up (or at least defend YOURSELF) no one's going to take you seriously.
"You'll get better results with a kind word and a gun than you will get with just a kind word"
"It will be interesting to see how long the meek can keep the Earth once they've inherited it"
"America is unique among nations, in that it seems to have gone straight from barbarism to depravity...skipping over the phase of civilization which usually comes in between."
"George W. Bush is pusing 60, and he has access to the biggest Nuclear arsenal on Earth. My Grandpa is 60, and we don't even let him play with the T.V. remote."

Sleep tight
Message: Posted by: Mario Morris (Dec 16, 2004 05:05PM)
(Tommy Cooper)
I went to the doctors. He said: I like you to lie on the couch. I said, what for? He said, I want to sweep the floor.
Mario
Message: Posted by: The Mighty Fool (Dec 17, 2004 12:43AM)
Things you don't want to hear on a crowded elevator
-->Does this look infected to you?
-->You know, the aucustics of this elevator are perfect for yodelling.
-->That nice Arabian gentleman asked me to bring this package to the top floor! It must be some kind of clock!
-->(on a celphone) Hello, emergency 911......yes, I'll hold.
-->I can't beleive all I've eaten all day today is dark beer & chocolate milk!
-->Hey! Check it out! Every time I hit a number on my cel-phone, the lights in here flicker!
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 17, 2004 01:50AM)
What did he mean by the last cable thread might hold?

Wow! I did not know elevators came with see through floors.

Was that sound normal?

OH NO! This reminds me of my padded room! I only just escaped from there.
Message: Posted by: Mario Morris (Dec 17, 2004 07:19AM)
All I am going to say is
GOD SAVE US!
Mario
Message: Posted by: Partizan (Dec 17, 2004 10:35AM)
As a proud brit I will say this. as the british empire was dissolved the financial burden has fallen onto the people.
We are now amongst the most financially oppressed peoples on this planet. That is why the is doing well.

A united planet would require a mass human cull.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Dec 21, 2004 04:42AM)
Destroy the Humans!!!!!!!!!!