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| Topic: Some corny jokes |
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I thought you guys might like some of these lines I use. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it! Two TV antennas got married last weekend. The wedding wasn't bad but the reception was beautiful! One atom says to another, "I lost an electron yesterday" The other one says, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive" |
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| What goes up but never comes down? Your Age |
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How about, "Can anyone tell me... what's a Grecian Urn?"... "About $2.50 an hour I've been told...". Context is a coins to glass or cup routine. Glass or cup is shaped like an urn. ... Wha, wha, wha, whaaaaa. Horrible joke, but always strikes a familiar chord with some people and gets a chuckle. Best, Mike |
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| Ok, anyone know what a "buck an ear" is? Too much to pay for corn. Also, how do you make a Venitian blind? You poke him in the eye. |
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What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet! |
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What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinocerous? Elephino (**** if I know) What do you call bambi with no eyes? No eye deer What do you call Bambi with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer. Stop me before I pun again! |
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| Flowbian, oh come on. But heres one... What kind of Cars do Ghosts Drive? A Boo-ick. |
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New weapon for Star Trek Enterprise = a pillow of energy that goes out and disables the electronics on enemy ships. It's called a FUTON Torpedo! And it's what Scott Bakula gets for padding his part! Lee Darrow, C.H. |
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| If all the vehicles in the country were pink, we would have a pink car-nation...... |
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| How come the housewife got embarrassed when she looked in the refrigerator? She saw the salad dressing |
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Ok, it's my turn. Whats the difference between pink and purple? The grip. How do porcupines make love? Carefully, really really carefully. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment right? Now what is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? Usually its $3.50 per minute. What is a very successful husband? One who manages to earn more money than his wife can spend. What is a very successful wife? The woman who manages to find such a husband. A woman worries all her life until she marries a man. A man never worries through his life until he marries a woman. That's all for now. I'll think up some more later. |
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| I went to see some Chinese magicians. Two hours later I wanted to see them again. (Heard that and thought it was funny.) |
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Sorry I can't resist... Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field! And the magic car? It turned into a layby! |
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Ok Here they come:- A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.. What do you call a spider with no legs, a currant What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice? Polaroids! What is the best time to go to the Dentist? Tooth hurty! Q. What do you call ten dolls standing in a row? A. A Barbie Queue What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit? ............an egg!! Doctor, doctor I feel like a pack of cards. Doctor: Take a seat I'll deal with you later. A giraffe and a crocodile are sitting at the bar when a lion walks in. The lion turns to the barman and says "Pint please mate" The giraffe says "**** me! A talking Lion!" Woman laying the bath when there's a knock at the door "Who's there?" "It's the blind man" Woman thinks a blind man can't see me so it's okay. "Come in" Man comes in "Nice ***s love now where do you want the blinds?" A blonde goes to the doctors Doctor: I'm pleased to tell you Miss Bimbo that you're pregnant." Blonde: "Are you sure it's mine?" Paula |
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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car? |
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| This can go on forever...think I'll go ask the chicken to cross the road again |
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Did you hear about the guy who apoted a legless Dog? He couldn't decide on a name so he called him cigarette because at least twice a day he had to take him out for a drag.... Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa... What the difference between Broccoli and Boogers? Kids won't eat broccoli.... Why do husbands generally die before their wives do? Because they WANT to. |
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What has 4 legs and an arm? A pit bull...... I crossed a pit bull with a St. bernard.....got a dog that mauls you, and then goes for help...... |
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| Ok, these two guys walk into a bar and the third one Ducks. Also, for Halloween: How does a witch tell time? With a Witch Watch. |
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There was a guy named frank and he went to the store to buy a 6-pack of beer. So he bought the beer and went home. After drinking one of the beers the door rang, so he went to answer the door and without any warning a giant bug punched him in the stomach. The next day he'd just finished a beer and the door rang again and the same bug was there, this time it punched him in the mouth. The day after that frank did the exact same thing, and the bug yet again kicked him in the leg. So the next day he went to the doctor's office and told the doctor of the strange goings on. The doctor said, "Theres nothing to worry about, theres just a nasty bug going around." ollie |
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I know the topic is "corny jokes", but what in the world does drinking the beer have to do with the nasty bug? Maybe I'm slow on the uptake in the early morning hours on Sundays, but what's the connection!? :huh: :) Mike |
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Mike, it's not the beer that's important. It's the nasty bug as in "mean and rotten" vs a nasty bug like the "flu". No more reading posts before 8 AM for you. :lol: |
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It's early again so I probably shouldn't be checking posts... but I still don't see the connection. That joke must be a personal mental blindspot :comply: :) Mike |
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Ok, Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him! |
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For restaurant workers: I hear that this fine restaurant now offers a 'Double wide' Salad.... It's for those who can't afford the 'House' Salad... So do you beleive in magic? Yes I do. Do you beleive in ESP? uhmm yeah I guess so. Tell me do you beleive in ESPN too? :) :) :) Eric Falconer Houston TX |
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Goodie! It's my turn! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him. He ain't commin' to ya! What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty. Deer nuts are under a buck. Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a belt! He told me that's going around! Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a trampoline. He said "You do seem a little jumpy". Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a pencil. He said "Write". get it? right? :lol: What do ghosts chew on? Booble gum! An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, I'm sorry but you have only 6 months to live. The old man says, that's horrible, I can't get my bill paid off by then. The doctor said, okay, you have another 6 months. What do you get when cross a bull dog with a shi tzu? bull s#$& What do you get when you cross a labradoor with a telephone? A golden reciever! Okay, okay. I'm done............... for now!!!!! ;) |
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Can you guys hear me alright in the back?........ That's a funny place to have ears. A blonde called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. The guy on the phone asked her if she would like the pizza cut into 8 slices or 12. "Better make it 8," she answered. "I could never eat 12." Caleb |
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An old man and an old woman go to the doctor. They tell the doctor that they are having trouble remembering things. The doctor told them that the best thing to do is to write everything down on a little notepad that they wish to remember. Later that evening the elderly couple is sitting at home watching TV. The old lady says that she would like some ice cream and asks her husband to get her some. "You better write it down Fred, you'll forget". "I can remember that" said the old man. "You want a bowl of ice cream". "Yes" said the old lady, "but I want whipped cream on it too. You better write that down. I know you'll forget that". "That's easy to remember" said Fred, "You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream". "Yes" said the old lady, "but I also want strawberries on it too. Fred, write that down. You'll forget it for sure". "Darn it Ellen!" Shouted Fred. "I don't have to write that down. I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and strawberries. I'll be back in a minute!" Several minutes pass by and Fred walks back into the room carrying a plate of bacon and eggs. Ellen looks at him and said "You forgot my toast!" :lol: Phil |
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| How about Drink WET CEMENT and get Stoned |
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[quote] On 2004-10-14 00:24, Phil Thomas wrote: What do you get when cross a bull dog with a shi tzu? bull s#$& [/quote] I thought a shi tzu was a zoo without any animals. |
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| Lol I think that one might be for Adults. |
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| *Wolfie gets ready to slash his wrists* |
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| Wolfie No Slashing your wrists. Blood causes Rust and we don't want no rust on the Razor/whatever your cutting your wrists with. |
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What do you get when you cross a mongoloid with a one-legged guy from Warsaw? A Polaroid one-step! (utter silence) Sheeseh! Everyone's a critic! Allright wise-guys, here are some jokes so corny and obvious, I'll bet you can guess the answers!! Earlier today 3 convicts escaped when a police paddy wagon colided with a cement truck. Police and civilians are warned to be on the lookout for _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. A man walks into a psychiatirst's office, stark naked. "Doctor, I think I'm insane" he says. the doctor replies "Well, I can clearly see you're _ _ _ _!" I was out walking the other day when I came upon 3 deep holes in the ground, and I said "_ _ _ _, _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _." Did you hear about the 2 tankers which collided at sea? One was carrying red paint, the other was filled with brown paint, and the passengers were all _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ for weeks! Mama sent her husband in for an operation. Shortly after performing it, the Federal postal authorities arrested the surgeon, because he had _ _ _ _ _ _ mama's _ _ _ _. And here's a freebie...."what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"....."7:30!" I'll bet you all thought the answer was "time to get a new fence' didn't you? HAH!! BOY were you EVER way off! (laughing) 'time to get a new fence!!' Psshhh!! I hope you have better luck at magic then you do at guessing punchlines! |
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[quote] On 2004-12-02 22:24, The Mighty Fool wrote: And here's a freebie...."what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"....."7:30!" I'll bet you all thought the answer was "time to get a new fence' didn't you? HAH!! BOY were you EVER way off! (laughing) 'time to get a new fence!!' Psshhh!! I hope you have better luck at magic then you do at guessing punchlines! [/quote] Ladies and Gentlemen, Please do not approach this gentleman. From the above mentioned you can see that he is clearly an extremely dangerous man. If you see him coming, RUN!!!!!!!!!! Lol. Thanks Mighty Fool Regards Wolflock |
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| Guessing the punchlines. 1 Hardened Criminals 2 insane 3 ???????????? 4 Marooned 5 ????????????? any clues as to what 3 and 5 are ? |
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Did you hear about the gay migit.... He came out of the cupboard |
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Donster, You tagged 1 & 4, but 'insane' dosent fit in the number of blanks provided. here's a clue on #2: The word 'You're' could be replaced with 'your'. And whats another way to say someone's insane? #3: All 3 words in the answer are identical. What's another name for a deep hole? #5: What does the postal authority deal with? What gender is a husband? |
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| 3.) WELL WELL WELL |
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| Kudos to Wolflock! |
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| Opened Mamma's Male |
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A zoo with no animals - that gets 1st prize from me! When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' On the other hand, you have different fingers. I accept no responsibility. |
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2)Nuts ;D I finished it so I get a go... A man was staggering through the desert croaking the usual "water,water" when he came across a few small stalls. He asked the guy, at the first stall he came to, if he could buy some water. The man replied that he only sold custard. He asked the guy, at the second stall he came to, if he could buy some water. The man replied that he only sold jelly. He asked the guy, at the third stall he came to, if he could buy some water. The man replied that he only sold cake. The man said to the stallholder, "Isn't it strange that all these stalls are here in the desert and none of them sell water?" The stall holder replied "Yes, it's a ------ -------". George |
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| Where does the white go when the snow melts?????? |
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| Did anyone get #2 yet ? |
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No, MAgician: Whats you name? Girl: Alex. Magician: Oh that was my name when I was a little girl. I nice line to say |
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| When they ship out styrofoam, what do they pack it in?....How does teflon stick to the pan?..... |
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| They pack it in a Box. and teflon sticks by spraying it on. ???????????? |
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LOL. Don, you really need Help. Desert Dessert??? |
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| A teflon free pan means food won't stick. I beleive they spray it on. |
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I got 2, Don. Hey, desert dessert is really quite good but it wasn't what I was looking for. George |
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| Ok. I give up. |
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| Trifle bizarre. |
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| What is Trifle Bizzare for ? |
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| It's from my previous post after I answered number 2 |
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| 'Trifle' is a sort of European pastry...sherry is my faviorite. I didn't get that one either, the trifle part totaly eluded me, I was thinking along 'desert' lines too. |
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A bizzare is a bit like a kiosk in a mall, but several close together. I liked the trifle thing too. A blonde and a burnett are driving through the desert when there car breaks down. The burnett takes a protable fan and the blone take a car door. After about 20 minutes they stop and rest. The burnett turns on here fan to cool down. The blonde rolls down the window and says,"Ahhh, much better. It was getting stuffy in there." |
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| LOL. |
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Here's one for you all! Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogie in it!! |
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| That can also be done/said with a hankie to. |
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| Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long? And how come 'Phonetic' dosen't sound the way it's spelt? |
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O.k. Her's a good one,,,, How do ya drive Magicians Crazy??? |
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| Um...dont tell them the answer to a joke? that would work, lol |
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| How Do you Keep a Idiot in Suspense??? |
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| Tell me tomorrow. |
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| LOL You Got it Whiteangel. it's a old one but be prepared to duck when you tell it to a Female. |
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| Understood. |
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| Why did the magician cross the road? to get to the other sleight |
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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sinko Did anyone hear about that new French restaurant on the Moon? Great food but no atmosphere Last weekend I bought a hide a bed, I put it away, and now I can't find it. These arn't old jokes, it's folk humor. What did you expect Dolly Partton on a trampolene? |
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What do you call two lezzies in a closet? A licker cabinet! Posted: Dec 31, 2004 7:16am What kind of lipstick does Mary poppins use? Supercalafragalipstickexpialidocious. |
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| A horse walks into a bar....The bartender says, "Why the long face?"..... |
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| How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun! How do you shoot a pink elephant? You squeeze him until he turns blue, and then you shoot him with a blue elephant gun! |
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[quote] On 2004-12-31 07:46, joseph wrote: A horse walks into a bar....The bartender says, "Why the long face?"..... [/quote] I heard the same joke about John Kerry. |
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How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None! Vampires live in the dark! (Worst joke of the year award) |
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| What do you get if you put a Nun in a Blender. Twisted Sister :) |
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How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes. |
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| How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle. you shine a flashlight in her ear. |
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| Took my horse to the vet....He's in stable condition.... |
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| And they found him wearing Jockeys :) |
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Ah, man, I like those Horse jokes,,,, Know how a Cowboy figure up How many Cows he has??? With a COW-CU-Lator! (Calculator) :O) |
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| If these horse jokes get any worse someone might have Night-MARES from it. |
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| True story: There was actually a race horse named Hoof-Hearted......The poor announcer had a hard time calling those races...... |
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| And there is also a New Movie coming out Called Racing Stripes. and its about a Zebra Etc. |
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OK, yall. Ya' need to quit HORSIN' around and get serious. Posted: Jan 1, 2005 1:32pm I'm laughing so hard I'm turning HORSE. |
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They oughta make a Western style Star Wars movie with the bad guy being Garth Vader,,, May The Horse Be With You! :O) -SW SAM |
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Glossary of Horse Terms: Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners. Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off. Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes. Well Mannered: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week. ....... |
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| How many horses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Can't answer here because answer would likely be deleted. |
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| Or he could be Foley-ing us. |
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| No actually, I don't really know any secret codes. Hey, FOLEYING US!! That's a hot one! Yuk yuk! |
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| Why did frosty the snowman drop his pants??? He heard the snow blower coming. Sorry, the voices in my head made me do it. |
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| You know like a young fole :) |
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| Anybody know any blonde magician jokes? |
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| What did the blonde magician say when his/her baby was born. is it mine ? |
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| Waka waka! |
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| These horse jokes are realy re colting. any other jokes. |
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| There are two muffins an on oven. One muffin says to the other muffin, "Damn, is it hot in here." The other muffin says, "Oh my god, a talking muffin!" |
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| Keep them coming. what is black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch. a brunette that told one to many blonde jokes. |
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| Q:What do air and sex have in common? A:Thier no big deal till your not getting any. |
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| How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck-an-ear |
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| Why did the little red house call the doctor. because he had a pane in his window. |
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~or~ Does anyone know any Blonde Magician's On Horses Jokes??? :O)) I just had to -SW Sam |
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Quote: How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck-an-ear I thought that was expensive corn? (a buck an ear) Anyways, I injured my knee during a high school football game......The bench collapsed..... |
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| What does an 80 year old woman have between her br****s? Her naval!! Waka waka! |
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| "OLD MAN" doesn't begin with br, so I guess that's not it,,, |
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[quote] On 2004-12-31 07:52, daffydoug wrote: How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun! How do you shoot a pink elephant? You squeeze him until he turns blue, and then you shoot him with a blue elephant gun! [/quote] How do you shoot a yello elephant? Tell dirty jokes till he turns pink, strangle him till he turns blue, shoot him with a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a green elephant? Make him afraid till he turns yellow, Tell dirty jokes till he turns pink, strangle him till he turns blue, shoot him with a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a purple elephant?... Have you ever seen a green elephant? |
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| A farmer is a man outstanding in his field..... |
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A lady opens up her fridge to find a RABBIT sitting on the shelf. She says "What are you doing here?" He says "This is a Westing- House, ain't it?" She says "Yeah" "Well, I'm westing!" Posted: Jan 4, 2005 8:42pm We're all that M word . A cop sees a fellow stumbling along drunk as a skunk at 3;30 in the morning. Cop says "Hey buddy, where are you going?" Guy says "I'm going to a *hic* lecture." Cop says "where are you going to find a lecture at 3;30 in the morning?" Guy says " My*hic* wife!" |
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| It was so hot in Texas yesterday, the trees were following the dogs around..... |
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| Joseph I laughed at the computer monitor, very hard. |
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| A woman calls her employer and says she can't come in today because she is sick. "What's wrong"? her boss asks. "I have anal glaucoma" replies the woman. "Anal glaucoma"? said her boss. "What's that"? "Well", said the woman, "I can't see my ass coming into work today." |
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Ha Ha Ha!! How do you drive Helen Keller crazy? Lock her in a room and stick doorknobs all over the walls! [quote] On 2004-10-04 11:34, flobiwan wrote: I thought you guys might like some of these lines I use. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it! One atom says to another, "I lost an electron yesterday" The other one says, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive" [/quote] Alternate answer. "Oh really? I didn't even know you were running!" Judge: You're charged with vagrancy. How do you plead. Are ya' guilty or not guilty? Stan: Not guilty. Judge: On what grounds? Stan: "We weren't on the grounds, we were sleeping on the park bench" |
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A favourite of mine and it is a true fact: Here in South Africa, when a Traffic Cop pulls you over and steps up to your window, His first question is normally, "Are you the driver of this vehicle?" (Uhhhh... No? The driver is sitting in the back seat.) don't say this though, he tends to write out another ticket. LOL. Regards Wolflock |
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| Have you ever had a police officer pull you over and he says to you, "Your eyes look bloodshot have you been drinking? Then you reply, "Gee your eyes look glazed have you been eating donuts." |
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Doctor tell old man, "You have diabetes and Alzheimer's disease." Old man says, "Well, at least I don't have diabetes."..... |
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Not yet. LOL. But Cape Town is well known for other things that glaze the eyes. So I would probably ask if he has been smoking. Probably get a ticket for that too. |
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| Wolfie think of all the places you can go to with those tickets. If he is on the stuff ask him his name and when he asks you who you are you tell him his name. Be funny seeing him write himself a ticket. |
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| How did they punish Helen Keller when she was bad? Rearanged the furniture. |
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| What goes click click did I get it yet. click click Did I get it yet? Helen Keller doing rubiks cube. |
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| I get no respect. When I was kid and I played in the sandbox the cats covered me up! |
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| I get no respect my mom took me to the zoo and they thanked her for returning me. |
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| LOL. Don, at least I get to practice my Jail breaks with those tickets. In South Africa we drive Right hand drive cars (Like in UK). I would like to have a left hand drive car one day with tinted windows. When the Officer walks up to the window, you open it (electric), sit back and watch the look on his face when he starts speaking. HEE HEE. |
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| Well come over here and buy one do the tinting yourself |
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After several years of marrage a magicians wife asked her husband if she could get "Surgical Breast Enhancements" to which he replied firmly..."No, we can't afford it, but I do know of a magical procedure that will make your breasts grow." Please tell me she begs. OK..Just go to the bathroom...get some toilet paper and rub it on your breasts. Trust me, they'll get bigger. THAT WON'T WORK she shouts....Well, the magicians counters, "It worked on your @ss didn't it?" Don't shoot! |
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What color is George Washington White Horse?? Michael |
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| Hear about the elephant and flea that got married? They had to..... |
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What do you call 4 blondes in 4 cars that approach a 4-way stop at the same time? A traffic jam!! |
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| Did you hear about the two Peanuts walking down the road? One was assalted. |
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| Did you hear the latest? I am so excited. My doctor told me they finally found a cure for my ADD and I think it is really starting to........... Oh look, a butterfly! |
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| I went to go have my face lifted but they lowered it instead. |
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How do you circumcise a whale? Send down Four Skin Divers! |
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| I get no respect. My wife said she likes to talk during sex. Yeah, she called me from her hotel room... |
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| Every year my mom takes me to the circus and pleads with them to take me. |
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| A fellow about ninty years old is driving down the freeway, when he gets a call on his cell phone. It's his wife. She says "Honey be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is someone on that freeway going the wrong way!" Guy says " One? Hell, I've seen at least a hundred!" |
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Who was the greatest biblical financial whiz...? Noah...He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Who was the greatest female financial whiz...? Pharaoh's daughter....She went to the Nile Bank and took out a little prophet. Shoot if you must! |
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| How can I shoot when I'm laughing my off here |
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Why didn't they play cards on noah's ark? Because Noah was sitting on the deck! BANG! (That was me shooting my self....in the foot.) |
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| 1st Guy did you know I just got back from Africa and over there I was playing cards with the Natives. 2nd guy Zulu's ? 1st guy No I Won |
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Did you know women got PMS even in biblical time? Read it in the Nativity..."Mary rode Joseph's @ss all the way to Bethleham." Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? You'd kill yourself too if your name was "EUGHHFRUGLISHMAAA!!" I asked a pretty girl for her number. She said "Is it for you?" |
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| Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny..... |
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| What did the Cannibal say to the Tourist ? Nice Passing You. |
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| Did you know that the number of alcoholics in this country is staggering?..... |
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| What happened when 5000 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area. |
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| I guess that also was Hare today and gone tomorrow. |
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| I asked the professor if the Cheetah is the fastest thing on earth, and he said, "No; It's what's being chased by it." .......... |
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| What do you get when you cross a centipede with a pig? Bacon and legs! |
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "got any grapes?" The bartender replies "no." Next day the same duck comes in and asks the bartender "got any grapes?" The bartender replies "I told you, no." Next day here comes the duck again and asks the bartender "got any grapes?" Bartender replies "no and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor"? Next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender "got any nails?" Bartender replies "no." Duck says "got any grapes?" Posted: Jan 8, 2005 4:39pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just want to apologize for that last joke, I'm having a bad day today, I lost my lucky rabbit's foot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| A turtle was mugged by a snail. After it happened, they asked him "Can you tell us exactly what happened?" turtle says "No. It all happened so FAST!" |
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How do you get down off a horse? You don't... You get down off a chicken. I knew a cannibal that came home late and his wife gave him the cold shoulder. They say you are what you eat. I told them I could not be a ham since I am a vegetarian. They told me I must eat a lot of corn then. A man was driving along with traffic and gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer informs him he was driving well over the speed limit. The man replies that he was just going along with everyone else. The police officer then asks the man if he ever went fishing? Yes, replies the man. The police officer grins and says: "and have you ever caught ALL the fish?" - Brian Nadworny |
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophranic, and so am I............ |
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| Uh what is the Lamest Joke that anyone has Heard Here ? |
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| The schizophranic got so mad, he was beside himself..... |
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Roses are red , violets are purple, sugar's sweet, and so's maple syrple I'm the seventh out of seven sons, My pappy was a pistol, I'm a son of a gun! (Roger Miller) |
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| Roses are red violets are blue I've been home sick two days with the asian flu. |
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Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme This one doesn't |
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm....... |
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| Ok, now it's 6 pages long and 842 horrible jokes later and I still got nothing. |
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Ohhh! That's corny! I get no respect! My wife met me the other day at my front door wearing a beautiful see through neglige. Yeah, but she was going OUT the door! |
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| Why wouldn't the skeleton jump out of the plane? No guts. |
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| Did you hear about the skeleton who rented an apartment? He didn't ask for air conditioning, because he came with his own. |
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Did you hear about the skeleton who couldn't go out on a Saturday night because he didn't have no-body to go with. Posted: Jan 9, 2005 9:06pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you feed a hungry computer. you feed it micro-chips. |
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| Oh nothing certain, just was messing around. There are some good ones in here. LMAO at some of them. I was just farting around with that post. |
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| Where do lumber jacks go to buy things? To the chopping mall. |
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| And the computer takes a Mega-Byte out of the Micro-Chip |
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Sign posted on the broken front door of a church: All members for the low esteem lecture please use the back door. |
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What does a talkative mouse have for lunch? Chatter cheese. What do cows read to their calves at night? Dairy tales! |
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What's green, red, and yellow, lives in a hole, and catches rocks? A green, red, and yellow rock catcher! Two panda bears are in the bathtub. One says to the other, "hand me the soap" The other replies, "What do I look like, a typewriter!" |
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*BEEP* Hello, and welcome to the 24-hour psychiatric hotline, please choose from the following options. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are manic-depressed, it dosent matter what number you push....no one wants to talk to you If you are Schcizophrenic, press 2, or 3, or 4. If you are narcissistic, hang up...you don't need any help! If you are paranoid, we know who you are & what you're up to...stay on the line so we can trace the call! |
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| What do you get when a smurf bends over a blue moon. |
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*Wolfock hangs himself* You are what you eat?? That means I am fast, cheap and easy! |
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| Wolfie I'm sure the Girls love you for that. |
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A blond was headed for serious financial problems, so she prayed, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery". The next day the numbers were announced and she didn't win. Things got so bad for the blond that if she didn't come up with the money the bank would repossess her car. Again she prayed, "Oh please Lord, I really need to win the lottery to keep my car!". The winning numbers were announced, again she didn't win. Going from bad to worse, she now was about to have the mortgage company foreclose on her house. Praying again she pleded, "Lord I never asked for much, but this is one time I really, really need to win the lottery or I'm going to lose my house!". After a moment of prayerful silence, a loud booming voice was heard from overhead which said, "BUY A TICKET!". Moral: Do we always do everything we can in order to enable our prayers to be answered? (even if it's not a winning lottery ticket) Contributed with the intent to be something other than a "corny joke". |
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| Now that we had the Lamest Jokes. What is the Funniest Joke you Ever Heard ? |
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Guy goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. Dentist is about to give him novacaine, but the guy says. "I don't need that. I've enever felt pain in my life." Dentist says "Oh, really?" Guy says "yup" "Well, on second thought, I did feel pain a couple times." Dentist says "When?" Guy says "Well, I was out in the woods hunting bear, and I was hot, so I stripped down naked, and sat on a tree stump and waited." "I fell asleep, and my ***** fell into the bear trap." "That hurt REAL bad." Dentist says. "Yeah. So when was the SECOND time? Guy says "When I reached the end of that CHAIN." |
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What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. They say a million monkeys on a million typewriters could write the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know they're wrong. I love watching the kids in the school yard run around, yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "[b][i]OK[/i][/b] lady, [b][i]take[/i][/b] your purse." I think a really sad story would be about a clown who was always smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside. Also, he would have severe diarrhea. I can imagine a world with no war, no crime, and no hate. And I can picture us kicking the hell out of that place, 'cause they would never see it coming! Would we cut down trees if they could scream? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no reason. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. - VR |
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| Hear about the pencil that broke it's lead? Nevermind, it's pointless. |
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's all right now. - VR |
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| I get no respect. A beautiful woman called me the other night. She said "Come on over, there's nobody home." "I went over. There was nobody home!" |
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| I'm at a loss here yikes. how many stamps does it take to send a e-mail. |
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again. I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. - VR |
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| I had a nitemare last night....My wife and Cindy Crawford fought over me....My wife won...... |
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| Where will I go when I die. Heaven does not want me and hell is afraid I'll take over. |
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| Last night I dreamt that I was eating a Giant Marshmallow this morning when I woke up my pillow was Missing. |
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| Houdini said, "You can lock me in any cell, but you can't stop my face from breaking out."............ |
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| How can you tell when a mechanic has just had s*x? He has one clean finger! |
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| LOL, these are Extremely Funny. It's Amazing How Houdini didn't take all Challenges Issued to him. |
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Two guys out hunting, and "BANG!!!" One guy accidentally shoots the other. He's horrified! He grabs his cell phone, dialls 911 and screams "My God! help me ! I just shot and killed my buddy! " "What do I do?" Dispatcher says. "OK. Just calm down. First thing we have to do is to make sure he's really dead" "BANG!!"" "OK. What do I do next?" |
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Did a magic show for a group of midgets..... Got a standing ovation and didn't even know it.... |
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| What kind of music do cows listen to moo-sic |
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I had a dream the other night that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted. Did you know it was a year ago today? My girlfriend has crabs. I bought her fishnet stockings. I went for an AIDS test today. The doctor told me to think positive. (From NBC's "Last Comic Standing") |
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| Confusious say man who #art in Church Sit in Pew Alone. |
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| Confusious also say "He who stands on toilet is high on pot". |
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| Confuscious say man who run after car becomes exhausted. |
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| Confuscious say man who walk through revolving door with fly open is going to Bangkok! |
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| Lol Konfuscious say if we Don't quit this hes going to Bang our Heads together as in Three Stooges Style. |
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Ok A gorilla walks into a soda shop and orders a cherry coke. He lays down a hundred dollar bill. The soda is only a buck, but the guy figures gorilas aren't too smart, so he gives him buck in change. The guy gets curious watching the gorilla, so he finally says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." Gorilla looks at the change, looks at the soda, then looks at the guy and says. " Yeah. At Ninety nine dollars for a freakin' soda, it's no wonder..." |
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Confucious say: Man who sticks head in window gets pain in neck Man who sticks head in oven will get baked bean Man who sticks face in punch bowl gets punch in nose |
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| Yesterday in the bookstore I asked the lady at the information desk where the 'self-help' section was. She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
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| Any Other Jokes Here Folks. |
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Vodka and Orange Juice is a Screwdriver..... Vodka and Milk of Magnesia is a Phillips Screwdriver.... |
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There was a ninety old man who was, well, ..impotent. So he goes to the Doctor. Doctor gives him a glass bottle and says "OK. I'll need a sp**m sample. Put it in this bottle and bring it back to me." So, the next day, the old man comes back. Dr. Says "Did you bring the sample?" Old man says "No, I couldn't get it off" Dr says "you couldn't get it off?" Old man says, "No I couldn't get it off. I tried everything, but it was no use. I'm just too old." "I tried it with my hand, and I couldn't get it off." "I tried it reading a hoochie coochy magazine, and I couldn't get it off." "My wife took her teeth out and tried it with her mouth and I couldn't get it off" "The lady next door came over, and she tried, and I still couldn't get it off." The Doctor says "You sure you couldn't get it off?" Old man says "Here's you da**n bottle back. That lids on so tight I can never get it off!" |
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Did you all hear about the magician that couldn't find the spectators signed card, Nevermind, this joke sucks almost as worse as his show did. |
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An old man goes to the doctor for his routine checkup. At the end of the examination the doctor says "Everything looks ok, but just keep to these instructions and you should be fine." A couple of days go by and the doctor runs into the same old man beebopping down the street with a beautiful blonde on his arm and a great big smile on his face. "Wow!" said the doctor, "you look like you are in great shape! What have you been doing?" "Well doc", said the old man, "I have done everything you asked me to. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." "That's not what I said", replied the doctor. "I said you have a heart murmer. Be careful!" ;) Until next time folks!!! |
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Ok. A man is walking down the sidewalk, when he notices a little boy playing fireman. He has a little red wagon and he's making ding ding sounds. But he also has his dog pulling the wagon, and the man notices that the dog is tied to the wagon on a rope which is tied around the dogs, ahem, ...jewels. So the man says to the little boy " Say, young man. That's a real fine looking fire truck you got there!" Kid says "Yup.' The man says, "Is that your dog?" kid says "Yup." Man says "I'll tell you what. That dog would probably do a better job of pulling your firetruck if you tied the rope around his chest" Kid says "Yeah. But then I wouldn't have no siren!" |
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A man walks into a store and asks the lady "Do you keep stationary?" She replies "Maybe for a minute or two and then I just go wild!" |
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| Hey Sir Excuse me but did you know that your toupee has a hole in it ( must be said to a bald man with a sense of humor ) |
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A fellow walks into a bar and sits down on the bar stool, then notices a few stools down that there is another fellow drinking, and he has a small wooden box. The man opens up the box, and out jumps a leprachaun. The leprachaun sits down on the box. Then the guy orders a whisky but before he can drink it, the leprachaun jumps up, downs the drink, then runs over to the first guy, SPITS in his face, does a little Irish Jig, then runs back, sits on the box, and lights his little pipe. The fellow is understandably upset. Then the guy with the leprachaun orders another whiskey, and the same thing happens all over again: The leprachaun jumps up, downs the whiskey, runs across the bar, spits in the man's face, does a little Irish Jig, runs back, sits on the box, and smokes his little Irish pipe. Now the first guy is about ready to hit somebody, when, you guessed it! The guy ordrs a whiskey, the leprachaun drinks it, runs across the bar, spits in his face, does his little Irish jig, and is about to run back to the box, when the guy loses it. He grabs the leprachaun, and shouts with a red face "Listen! You do that one more time, and I'll cut off you little pec**r!" The leprachan says "YOu can't do that, because we leprachaun's don't have pec**rs!" The guy says "No pec**R?" "Then how do you pee?" The leprachaun replies "By spitting!" |
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Did you hear the joke about the vacuum cleaner? Oh, forget it. It sucks. I would tell you the joke about the roof but it is over your head. If I don't hear the audience groaning loudly I know I'm not doing my job. I read through most of these and some of the jokes posted are almost funny. I will use them anyway. Keep up the good work. - Brian Nadworny (still wondering if there is a limit to the number of posts for a single thread). |
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Did you hear about the tap dancer who fell in the sink? (C'mon... think about it. You'll get it.) :lol: |
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| Groan! |
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Artie Smith goes into a Supermarket and asks for change for a dollar. After the Cashier said no, Artie got so mad he strangled her. He went to the next cashier and asked for change for a dollar. The Cashier said she can't open the draw without a purchase. So he strangled her. He goes up to the next cashier and gets no where with her and he strangles her too. The Cops finally come and apprehend Artie. The Next day the Headline in the Newspaper read "ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR" Why did the Turtle cross the road? He was looking for a Shell Station. |
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Try this: Get an empty gas can and thouroghly rinse it out. Then fill it with water, punch a pinhole in the bottom so that it slowly leaks....then walk down the street with it under your arm leaking behind you, while smoking the biggest cigar you can find Call a tobacco store and say "HI, this is Prince Albert, were there any calls for me while I was in the can?" Buy one of those inflatable sex dolls, fill it with helium, then set it loose on a windy day, and run after it shouting "Come back here you tramp!" |
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A drunk orders 12 shots of expensive whiskey, and slugs them down in 1 minute. Bartender says, "Why did you do that?" Drunk says, "You would too, if you had my problem." Bartender says, "And what is that?" Drunk says, "I only have 50 cents." ............ |
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| There once was a Magician from Nantucket. who once had a Bucket full of Wands. he took one out and waved it around. and wondered where the others went to :) |
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| A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons. His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, "Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations." |
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[quote] On 2005-01-15 05:14, The Mighty Fool wrote: Try this: Get an empty gas can and thouroghly rinse it out. Then fill it with water, punch a pinhole in the bottom so that it slowly leaks....then walk down the street with it under your arm leaking behind you, while smoking the biggest cigar you can find [/quote] That's hilarious! |
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Yeah . . like that one. Le'me see, now. Got the cigar. Get an empty water can and fill it with gas . . |
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| Has Anyone Tryed it Yet. B |
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| Wow! That was some cigar!!! |
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| Talk about Day Light :) |
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[quote] On 2005-01-15 05:20, The Mighty Fool wrote: Call a tobacco store and say "HI, this is Prince Albert, were there any calls for me while I was in the can?" Buy one of those inflatable sex dolls, fill it with helium, then set it loose on a windy day, and run after it shouting "Come back here you tramp!" [/quote] Ha Ha ha ha Ha!! Gotta try that one! Revenge on some one: Get some OLD textbooks at a garage sale, or whatever. Now print up some stickers that say "If found, please return this book to (insert the person's name and address you wish to get even with here) I need this book for a thesis I am writing. $100.00 REWARD! Put these stickers in some conspicuous place on each of the books. Now make sure you geta BUNCH of these books, and plant them EVERYWHERE in public that you think people will accidentally find them. (In shopping malls, in phone booths, etc.) Now just sit back and wait for the fun to begin as your target goes NUTS with people knocking on his door looking for their $100.00 reward! Ahh, yes! The Dougman strikes again. I still got it! |
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| Lol. how about putting someones license plate upside down on their car. I did that to one person and it was two weeks before they noticed it. |
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Or until a police noticed it? Ha ha Ha! Also, their is the old one about putting a ladies panties in the glove compartment of a guys car, and then figuring out a way for his wife to discover them! (That one is older than the hills, but works it's magic in a very dependable way.) |
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| Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?". |
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Wait for your victim to leave their computer, then, using a screwdriver, pry up the 'M' and 'N' keys, and switch them. Their next office memo will read something like ATTEMTIOM NARKETIMG NAMAGERS... HA HA!!! That's a perfect way to mail sonebody you hate! Theyll feel like a total inbecille whem they fimally realize what's beem dome to then....hey....WAITANIMUTE.....aaaargghh!!! Who's beem nessing with ny conputer?!? This is MOT FUMMY!!!! I dom't beleive this! Inpaled om ny owm sword! |
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| The newly hired executioner at the gallows took 2 days of training before he got the hang of it...... |
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| Oh well no noose is good noose. |
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| Did a magic show for a nudist colony....When they sat down, I thought I was getting a round of applause..... |
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Old lady had a broken TV in the days when they actually had TV repairmen. So she called one over to fix it. On the TV was a bowl of peanuts. The old lady went in the other room while the repairman did his job. He saw the peanuts, looked around, didn't see the old lady, so he sneaks a peanut and eats it. A few minutes later, he does the same thing. This goes on for the duration of the time he is working on the set. Well, he finishes, and suddenly realizes that he has eaten ALL of the old woman's peanuts. The old lady comes back in the room, and asks "well sonny, did you fix it?" Repairman says "Yep. I got it fixed" Then, his concience gets the best of him and he fesses up. "Lady, I'm sorry, but I ate one of your peanuts, and before I knew it, I ate the whole bowl. I'm really sorry." Old lady says "That's all right sonny. I can't eat 'em anyway. Ain't got no teeth. I just suck the chocolate off 'em!" |
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Lol would be funny to see the expression on the guys face. Ok heres another idea for the key board. take all of the keys off and put them back on at random or alphabetical order. anyone should provide great results. |
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[quote] On 2005-01-17 07:20, The Donster wrote: Ok heres another idea for the key board. take all of the keys off and put them back on at random or alphabetical order. anyone should provide great results. [/quote] You guys are working way too hard. You can easily re-program the keyboard to respond differently than the standard QWERTY version. It won't hurt a genuine touch-typist - I know a legal secretary who routinely wears the labels off her keyboard - but it would certainly make it impossible for me to use. You can also easily re-program the mouse to move sideways when pushed forward (for example) and/or to "screenwrap"; for that matter, just changing the speed and response time of their mouse will screw up the average user. Regards, Thomas Wayne |
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| My dog's name is Timex.....He's a watch dog..... |
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What did the casket say to the other casket? Was that you coughin'?........Get it? Coffin??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! |
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| Thomas Wayne how can we learn to reprogram the items you mentioned. I'm sorry but I have to try it. lol |
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| If bad jokes could fly, this place would be an airport! |
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| My uncle's new job has 300 people under him....He cuts the grass at the cemetary..... |
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| Can these Jokes get any Better. I hope so. |
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| My other uncle is a diamond cutter....He trims the infield at Yankee Stadium..... |
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| I had a job once in a panty hose factory being a Diesel Fitter and all you'll do all day long is pick up a pair and say These'll Fit Her :) |
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| Little Johnny goes to Dairy Queen and orders a hot fudge sundae. The girl behind the counter asks little Johnny "Do you want your nuts crushed?" Little Johnny looks at her and asks "Do you want your t*ts pinched?" |
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How do you catch a polar bear? easy. You buy a few cans of peas. Then you go to the north pole, and dig a giant, deep hole in the ice. Next you take the peas and pour them around the perimeter of the hole. Then you go and hide and watch. When the Polar bear comes around and takes a pea, you kick in in the ice hole! |
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| Ok these two vultures are dragging a dead deer onto a plane. and a stewardess calls out excuse me but you can't bring that dead deer on this plane and the vultures turn around and say yes we can its carry-on. |
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Wow, there's a lot of stuff here. I'm reluctant to add to the maddness, but here goes. Did you know, that if you take all the people who fall asleep in church and laid them end to end, they'd be much more comfortable. And I read all 9 pages of this thing and can't believe I didn't see this one: How do you get a magician off your doorstep? Pay him for the pizza. |
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| Ok Folks anyone have any Good Magician Jokes ? |
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Magician invites spectator to whack him on head with 2 x 4... He does, magician is rushed to hospital...... A week later, he wakes up, and says, "Ta-Da!"..... |
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| A magician walks through a bar. |
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How do you make the Masked Magician dissapear? The bullet trick. :evil: |
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Why don't you drive four magicians of a cliff in a car? You can fit a fifth in! |
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[quote] On 2005-01-19 02:32, 13ofhearts wrote: Wow, there's a lot of stuff here. I'm reluctant to add to the maddness, but here goes. Did you know, that if you take all the people who fall asleep in church and laid them end to end, they'd be much more comfortable. And I read all 9 pages of this thing and can't believe I didn't see this one: How do you get a magician off your doorstep? Pay him for the pizza. [/quote] Har har har!!! [quote] On 2005-01-19 11:52, WhiteAngel wrote: How do you make the Masked Magician dissapear? The bullet trick. :evil: [/quote] I LIKE that one! A lady is ice fishing. I (I don't think I'm allowed to say the blo**e word) Any way, she is ice fishing, and all of a sudden she hears a big booming voice, (sounds like God) say "There is no fishing allowed here, you must get off the ice now." She looks around, shrugs her shoulders, and continues ice fishing. The voice comes again. only louder this time "Thee is NO fishing allowed, you must get off the ice now!" Again, she shrugs her shoulders, looks around and keeps on fishing. The third time the voice is even louder "THERE IS NO FISHING ALLOWED, YOU MUST GET OFF THE ICE NOW!!! She keeps right on fishing. Next thing you know, some one is tapping her on the shoulder "Hey lady, there is no fishing here, and you gotta get off the ice now, the Hockey game starts in five minutes!" |
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"I just got back from Iowa." "Dubuque?" "Well, I was a little nauseated. Tomorrow I'm going to Ohio." "Dayton?" "Nah... business. My wife's visiting family in Prague." "Czech?" "No, I believe her. We were married in Moscow." "Russian?" "You bet! She was 8 months pregnant!" |
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What's the difference between a magician and a savings bond? One of them eventually matures and earns money. kOnO A man came to see my magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the hall yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", I replied, " But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!" kOnO |
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A somewhat funny joke- A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him why he has a steering wheel in his pants. The pirate replies,"Arr, they're driving me nuts." -Tyler |
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Oh dear lord. A beautiful woman is sitting at the bar and motions for the bartender to come over. When he does, she seductively motions for him to move his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins running her fingers through his beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks. "No, I'm afraid not." replied the bartender. She then strokes his face very seductively and asks "Can you get him for me?" "I'm afraid he's not here tonight." replies the excited bartender. She then touches her fingers to his lips allowing the bartender to kiss and suck on them. "Then can you give him a message for me?" she asks. "Sure thing little lady. What is it?" She replies, "Please tell him there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies restroom." |
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| Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go ****, you'd be a ten!" |
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TIM: "I must tell you, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda: "How did it happen?" Tim: "It was terrible, He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda: Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me, Did he at least go quickly?" Tim: "Well, no, no he didn’t." Brenda: "No?" Tim: "No, Fact is, he got out three times to pee." kOnO |
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What's the difference between a magician and a pizza? A pizza has less cheese. |
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[quote] On 2005-01-20 09:53, Patrick Differ wrote: What's the difference between a magician and a pizza? A pizza has less cheese. [/quote] If you order you pizza with double cheese would they bring you a magician? kOnO |
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That is a Gouda one! Its not Blue so it can be told here. I'm going to my Cottage now but I'll Brie right back to spread some more humor on you. I see you Cheddar with anticipation. Don't worry, I'm not a Munster. Feel free to Colby any time on the phone. Please don't be Feta up with me. I know you like these. - Jack from Monterey |
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I SWISS you would'nt have said all that kOnO |
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| I'm sure he wasn't Yolking around Eather :) |
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| That was as pleasent as Limburger. |
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I just read about a poor illusionist whose tiger was accidentally run over by a steamroller! He didn't say anything... just stood there with a long puss. Two mentalists meet on the street and one says: "You're fine. How am I?" |
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I guy was getting married and his three friends got together to plan a good wedding night prank to play on him. One of the friends was an electrician. He said, “I can rig the bed to give them a good shock when it starts bouncing.” One of the friends was a carpenter. He said, “That’s great, and I can rig it to then completely collapse.” The other friend was a dentist and he couldn’t think of anything to add. When their newly married friend got back from his honeymoon he said, “Alright, the electric shock and the collapsing bed were kind of funny. But when I get my hands on the joker who put the novocain in the KY jelly…” - VR |
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| A man goes to the doctor and says, "my problem is I'm invisible." The doctor says, "NEXT." |
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| A cruise ship magician starts his act on his first night at sea when the captain's parrot flies into the room and sits on the table. After the first trick the parrot squawks "Awk! Thumb Tip!" The magician moves on to his next trick, after which the parrot squawks "Byaaak! Invisible thread!" So the magician breaks out a deck of cards and does a trick. The parrot yells "Brawk! Royal Road, Page 83!" Just then the boiler explodes and the ship sinks. An hour later, the magician is clinging to a piece of floating debris when the parrot flies over and lands. The parrot looks at him and says: "Awk! Copperfield!" |
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| Gee this has to be one of the longest threads in this section. |
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An old couple were married for sixty years, and it was their anniversary morning. The old fellow is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper, when his wife comes in totally nude and says 'Honey, do you know what today is?" he says "No what?" She says "It's our sixtieth wedding anniversary." He just kind of grumbles under his breath. The old lady says ' Just think, honey, sixty years ago tonight, you were hum*ing me like there was no tommorow" The old man just grumbles, and trys to ignore her. She continues. "Honey do you still love me?" He grumbles. She says, "Honey..." He says "What?" She says " My pretty pink nip**es are just as HOT for you now as they were sixty years ago!" Old man says "Yeah. It's no *** wonder. One's hanging in your coffee, and the other's in your oatmeal!!" I have the brain of a criminal genious. I keep it in the freezer, next to mother. |
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| Next time someone says it will cost you a arm and a leg. get ahold of a used manequin and take the arm and leg off and bring it to the person/place. |
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| Or do the gag about handing them a "hand" when they say "hey, can you give me a hand?" |
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| Or pulling a fake head. and hand it to the spec. and ask them why do you think you just handed it to them. you can reply because evreybody wants to get a Head in this World. |
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Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" Second guy says, "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees." Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your butt?" "Yes!" The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!" Sorry kOnO |
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What do you call a one eye fish....fIsh What do you call a no eye fish.....fsh Michael |
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"How's the act going?" says one magician to another. "Not so good," says the second. "My partner and I split up." "Really?" says the first. "What about your lovely assistant?" "Not so good," says the second. "We sawed her in half and split her too." "That's terrible!" says the first. "You're telling me," says the second. "I got the half that eats." |
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| Why do muslim women blow their selves up |
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I am afriad to ask. a cyc??? Michael |
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"I got a new zombie ball and silk for my wife ...best trade I ever made." kOnO |
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| So they can have a day off. |
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[quote] On 2005-01-21 07:59, kOnO wrote: Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" Second guy says, "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees." Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your butt?" "Yes!" The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!" Sorry kOnO [/quote] OH MY DEAR GOD!!! THAT IS HILARIOUS! ROFLMAO! EXCUSE ME WHILE I SPLIT MY SIDE. :rotf: |
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A little old man is driving his wife home from church when they are pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the window and asked the old man if he knew why he was pulled over. The old man yelled "Sonny, I have no idea why you pulled me over. I wasn't breaking any laws." Politely the officer informed the old man he was speeding and the old man replied "NO I WASN'T! I was driving five mile under the speed limit. Why don't you go find a real criminal to hastle" Exasperated the officer looks over to the little old lady and asks "Mam, you have an honest face. Can you tell me if you husband was speeding?" The little old lady looks up at the officer and says "Sir, after 46 years of marriage I have learned not to argue with him when he has been drinking." I don't know if I have posted this joke here or not. I am under the weather and my memory is shot due to the medicine. Laughter is the best medicine. This is my favorite joke joke of all time. |
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| Get well, Will or Wally, and that's an interesting ice-pack you have on your heads! |
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Did ya hear 'bout the Rubber Chicken that was hit by a GreyHound Bus??? It was Poultry in Motion :O) -SW SAM |
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| They dug up Beethoven, and found him decomposing...... |
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| How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Vampires live in the dark! |
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How many italians does it take to screw in the light bulb. two. One to screw it and the other to kill the witnesses. Michael |
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| How many bl**des does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. But you have to find a REAL big lightbulb. |
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Tombstone reads: Here lies Lester Moore, 3 shots from a 44.....No less, no more...... |
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| I get no respect. When I was a kid my dad showed off the picture of the kid that came with the wallet! |
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Thanks Camelot. I am feeling better. For all of you traveling show biz people I have learned of a product called "Emer'gen-C." I will carry some with me from now on. Available at your local Wal-mart or GNC store. Enough product endorsement. Now back to our regularly scheduled program. I keep a clock under my desk so I can say I have been working overtime. Sillily, Will |
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I get No respect. I told my wife I hurt my little pinky. She said that's allright, she had a a headache! OK. Corny jokes. Why do statues of George washington always show him standing? Because he would never lie. Now THAT'S corny! Hey fellas, let's keep this thread going! |
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Real story. A few years ago, I told my sons that they could make jokes on April the first. But they didn’t… “Apparently”! Two or three days later we had no time to do cooking for lunch. So we open a conserve of vegetable. But “surprise” it was a conserve of pine apple. Hi, very funny, we opened the pine apple conserve, but it was not the vegetable, It vas a “cassoulet”. They have changed ALL the inscription of ALL the conserves. The jokes continued the whole month. Hi, very funny, my lovely sons ! GRRRRRRRRRRR !!! (A cutter, some glue, and a month of laughs) |
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I just joined a gym today. I went to start at the stair master. Well I became a master at staring at it :O) Michael |
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| A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around." ..... |
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| I get no respect. When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said "hey look. Twins!" |
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When I was born the Dr yelled at my mother. And evrey time I would be crying in my crib she'll look down and say I give up what is it. |
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When I was born, the doctor sued my mother for malpractice. An old man learns he has only a few years left to live so he enrolls in law school. He struggles against his frailty, even takes some of the courses through correspondence and on-line, but finally he receives his degree. On his deathbed, he is informed that he has passed the state bar examination. His son asks him why he worked so hard knowing that he was soon to die. The father gasps: "One less lawyer..." Now turn that one around and add it to your patter: My grandfather spent his last years studying sleights. He read Marlo, he read Vernon, he read Erdnase, he memorized RRTCM. He practiced all day even though his arthritic hands could barely hold the deck. On his deathbed, I asked him why and he gasped: "One less cardman..." |
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| My Parents are offended that they gave birth to me. |
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What's the difference between a Parrot and a girl from <insert city here>. You can teach a Parrot to say no. |
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| A lounge magician bets that he can identify any variety of beer by taste alone, blindfolded yet! The spectators start bringing him beers and sure enough: Bud Light, Killian's Red, Dos Equis, Heinneken, he nails every one spot on. Finally a heckler returns from the men's room after urinating in a glass and hands it to the magus. "Yack!" shouts the magician. "That's pee!" "Yeah," says the heckler, "but whose?" |
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My first day in grammar school, the teacher said, "you have to raise your hand to go to the bathroom" and I said, "no you don't. Watch". I'm so happy. I just finished my first book! Tommorrow I'm going to read another one! Fredd |
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| A guy walks into a premasturbati_+ clinic and no one else else there,so he says"I must have came to early." |
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True story department. I met an old man at the bar. He must have been 95 years old. He was celebrating and buying everyone drinks. I asked him what the occasion was and he told me that, after 65 years married to his wife, they finally got a divorce. I was shocked. I asked him why they both waited so LONG to get a divorce. He said... "Because we both wanted to wait 'till the kids were dead." |
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| Back in school we all were given a word to use in a sentence and the word I was given was fascinate. so my turn came up and I stood up in front of the class and said. I have nine buttons on my vest. but I can onl FASCINATE. |
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| The little Rascals are in school. It's time for spelling and words,so the teacher says to Buckwheat: "Buckwheat, can you use the word dictate in a sentence?" Buckwheat turns to Darla and says "Hey Darla. How my dic- tate?" |
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I went into a store I said to the salesman "I want to buy a watch". "Analogue sir". "No just a watch" |
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| My sister went to the beautician. beautician asked her who she wanted to look like. she said barbara streisand. beautician said ok. and picked up a brush and broke her nose. |
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| I called my acupuncturist, and said my back was bothering me.....He said to take 2 pins and call him in the morning..... |
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What's the difference between a magician and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four. Two guys are shipwrecked, and floating in a life raft at sea, for 10 days with nothing to eat , and their water ran out 2 days ago. One of the guys sees a bottle floating in the ocean, and hoping for something to drink, he grabs it and opens it. Out pops a genie. "I am Abdullah-hullah, the almighty geneie of the bottle, and I will grant you one wish." Without giving it much thought, the guy says "Turn the ocean into beer!!" And with a *poof* the sea becomes ice-cold fine quality brew. The other guy slaps the wisher upside the head & says "You idiot!! Now we have to pee in the boat!!" |
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| A blind man is almost killed when he is lead into traffic by his seeing-eye dog. After regaining his self, he pulls out a cookie and hollers for the dog. a bystander asks why the blind man is rewarding the dog for his mistake. the blind man replies, "oh, I am not. I'm just getting him close enough to kick him!" |
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I went to the Dr. and he said I looked Horrible and I told him I'll like a second opinion and he said ok your Ugly to. What are You a Oil Painting ? |
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G? kOnO |
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The next time you get pulled over for speeding, try this: Once pulled over for speeding the guy was asked for his Licence. Guy: I don't have a licence. Did not think I would need it. Officer: Does the car belong to you? Guy: No, I just stole it off someone. Officer: Where is the guy? Guy: In the Trunk. Next to the cash from the robbery. Officer: Can you step out of the vehicle and open the trunk for me please. Guy: Sure. I just need to get the keys which are in the glove compartment next to the gun. When Back up arrives along with the officer's boss. Boss: Could you please open your trunk. Guy: Sure. (Open to show nothing in there) Boss: I was told you have a gun in the glove compartment? Guy: Mpht! (Open glove compartment to show nothing) Boss: May I see your Liscence and ownership papers? Guy: Sure (Hand it to him: Boss: I was told buy that officer (points to officer)that you did not have one, and that the car was stolen from a guy who you had in the trunk, and that you had a gun in the glove compartment. Guy: Oh? The liar probably told you I was speeding too! HEE HEE. |
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Now that I am getting older... I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh... I'm a walking encyclopedia of facts... I've just lost the index. I've now realized that aging is not for sissies. One really nice thing is that I can hide my own Easter eggs. kOnO |
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Hey what is the number for 911?? Michael |
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| I don't know what the number for 911 is I called the operator then she dialed information to get it. |
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| LOL Doug I think someone Did. pages 4 to 9 are missing. |
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| I stole them. They were hilarious! Well, I printed them out threw them into the fireplace. It just roared! |
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“Words are my craft. Words are my passion. Words are... well... you know...” - Steve Martin |
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| 1 Goose 2 Geese. 1 Moose 2 Meese? |
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[quote] On 2005-01-25 16:46, The Donster wrote: I don't know what the number for 911 is I called the operator then she dialed information to get it. [/quote] I also tried, but couldn't find the eleven..... |
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| Hmmm Pain. Along with Handcuffs and chains. |
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| Wolfies theres a crate of whips hidden som where. oops that's whipped creme. |
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1 goose 2 geese=1 grouse 2 grease 1 cockatoo 2 cockafour 1 ox 2 oxen=1 fox 2 foxen |
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| Did you hear the one about the dozen eggs? Too (2) bad...... |
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| Did you hear the story about the rope ? No. oh well skip it. |
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| Did you hear about the pencil that broke it's lead? Oh, forget it. It's pointless. |
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| Did you hear about the stick up on the highway? Some kid threw it up there.... |
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| I went to see my shrink today. I told him I couldn't explain my situation. "One minute I feel like a teepee, next minute I feel like a wigwam." Doc said "Calm down son, your too tense." 2 tents.............. BLAAHHHHHHHHHH! |
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| Was that a really corny joke? It was A-Maize-ing. |
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[quote] On 2005-01-26 07:19, The Donster wrote: LOL No Comment here Doug. Where did the Extra post's Go ???????????????????? [/quote] What extra posts? |
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| I agree, what extra posts? Whas there enough stamp on them. Did you place them into the post box? Were they bills? |
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Missing posts? No, we used them to build a fence. |
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Go to page (Previous) 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ... 11 ~ 12 ~ 13 4 thru 10 are missing. Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs. because the cow has the Udder one. |
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[quote] On 2005-01-27 16:17, The Donster wrote: Go to page (Previous) 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ... 11 ~ 12 ~ 13 4 thru 10 are missing. [/quote] The Café software only shows first three ... last three. If you want to read, let's say, page 7, well, you've gotta go "next" or "previous." Very annoying on threads with 108 pages like: "Which color backs are best, red or black?" I still don't know... maybe the answer was on page 57. |
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| I was performing the vanishing silk effect at a middle school assembly today. One of the kids shouted out "It's up his sleeve!" I shouted back "Up yours!" |
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| What do you get when you cross a shark with the Tazmanian Devil? You get NO leftovers at the table. In fact, even the table will be gone... |
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| Why can't a cow keep a secret. because it goes in one ear and out the UDDER one. |
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| Did you hear about the magician sandwich? forget it, it was jsut a bunch of bologna |
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[quote] On 2005-01-27 17:55, CamelotFX wrote: [quote] On 2005-01-27 16:17, The Donster wrote: Go to page (Previous) 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ... 11 ~ 12 ~ 13 4 thru 10 are missing. [/quote] The Café software only shows first three ... last three. If you want to read, let's say, page 7, well, you've gotta go "next" or "previous." Very annoying on threads with 108 pages like: "Which color backs are best, red or black?" I still don't know... maybe the answer was on page 57. [/quote] On 2005-01-27 17:55, CamelotFX wrote: [quote] The Café software only shows first three ... last three. If you want to read, let's say, page 7, well, you've gotta go "next" or "previous." Very annoying on threads with 108 pages like: "Which color backs are best, red or black?" I still don't know... maybe the answer was on page 57. [/quote] Why still sending posts after page 57 ? Cordialement, Patrick. Ps: Or it means there is many post errors (like I just done). Ooops ! |
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| What's a dog's favorite breakfast? Pooches and cream! |
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| It's raining cats and dogs....I just stepped in a poodle.... |
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Did you hear about the farmer who's wife left him? She wrote him a John Deer letter. |
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I took my grandson to the mall and he got lost. He walked up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The officer asked, "Well son, What's your Grandpa like?" My Grandson replied, "Jack Daniel's, Marlboro's, and young women with big boobs". kOnO |
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| Why did the guy park/put his car in the oven because he wanted a Hot Rod. |
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| Here is a really bad one I made up. A Porcupine walks into a bar, the bar says ouch. |
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| Ok how about this two porcupines are walking down the street. one of them walks into a Bar and the other one Ducks. |
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| My grandpa was a magician. One night he was walking down the street and turned into a bar. |
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| Knock Knock Who's There ? Iris Iris Who ? Iris these Jokes would get better. |
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I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words:sh** a truck. I'll always remember spending time with my grandparents over the summer.God I hate cemetaries. |
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| I used to be dyslexic...but now I'm K O.... |
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| Knock knock. "Who's there?", "Lemme". "Lemme who?", "Lemme in, it's freezing out here!" |
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| Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra. |
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| Old MacDonald was dyslexic, O I E I E....... |
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| Crazy guy gets naked and wraps himself up in Saran wrap. Goes to see his shrink. Doctor looks at him and says, Clearly I can see your nuts. |
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| Knock knock. "Who's there?", "Police". "Police who?", "Police to meet you!" |
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| Guy goes into a Doctors office and says Doctor you've got to Help me I think I'm a bridge. Doctor says Realy Whats come over you. guy says so far two trucks and a Bus. |
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| Woman describes missing husband to police...He's 200 lbs, jet black hair, blue eyes, muscles all....Wait, her girfriend says, Your husband is 5ft 2in, bald, and has a pot belly. Wife says, yeah, but who wants him back?..... |
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| Knock knock , who'e there? The old lady. The old lady who? Gee! I didn't know you could yodel! |
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A woman had just stepped out of the shower when there was a knock at the door. With no time to cover herself she goes to the door and asks who is there. "Blind man", was the response. Deciding she has nothing to hide she opens the door and a man walks in. "Nice hooters" he says. In shock she says "I thought you where a blind man" "I am" he says "Where do you want me to hang them?" Will |
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| How do you know if Elvis has been in your living room? look for the banana peels and Bologna wrappers in your couch cushions. |
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| My friend who had A.D.D. was like I don't have A.D. hey a bird.We all laughed so hard. |
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| Doug that's supposed to be little old lady. |
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I was playing poker the other day with a deck of tarot cards Got a full house and 4 people died |
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Two biscuits are walking down the road. One says "Where do you live?" the other replies "I'm not telling you that, you'll steal my washing". |
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Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and eight children? (gotta say that one aloud...) I usually follow it with One of the kids was kicked out of school for buttering up the teacher. At a restaurant - if the jokes get too bad, just take your butter knife and put it on the salt shaker. Then you'll have assault with a deadly weapon. |
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| Or could we say that your trying to butter up the assault charge. |
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Here is one I love...but only about 1 in 10 folks get it. But for the right audience (ie, nerds) it really kills. For everyone else - they will stare at you and wait for the punchline. I usually preface it by saying that it's my nerd test, if you laugh then you're a nerd. (I should mention here that I'M a nerd ... ) Anyway. Heisenburg was pulled over by a policeman. The cop asked him "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenburg said "No, but I know exactly where I am!" |
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| I got pulled over one time and the officer said to me your eyes look blood shot have you been drinking I replyed no. then I said to the officer your eyes look glazed have you been eating Donuts ? |
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| True story about above post.I was at my girlfriend's house and said that,then I asked her father what he did for a living,and he said he was a cop.Should have known with the German Shepard.Meh what can you do. |
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| Hear about the Egyptian magician who can do a perfect Pharoah shuffle?..... |
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| You Don't Dial 911 to get your Local Police. you just Dial Your Local Donut Shop. |
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| Can't really think of any jokes now. I'm too busy getting my bed linens out of the dryer. Excuse me while I take a sheet................... |
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| And that's No Sheet :) |
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| Don't eat it or you will be full of sheet. |
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I took all my bed linens out of the dryer put them on the floor. My wife said I was in Deep Sheet. kOnO |
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| What has four wheels and flies. a garbage truck. |
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| Or a tailors van.. |
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| In school, I majored in History; then I found out there was no future in it..... |
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| Oh yeah? Well I'll have you know I went to school stupid...and that's how I came out; stupid! Oh, wait, that didn't come out right. |
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When I was in school my teacher asked who shot Abraham Lincoln, I said I didn’t do it! She got really mad and told me that I had to have one of my parents come and talk to her…. My dad was not too happy about having to go see my teacher but he went. When he got there the teacher said. I asked you son ‘who shot Abraham Lincoln, and he said he didn’t do it.’ To that My Father said “Listen, my son might not be too bright but he’s no lier and if he said he didn’t do it then you can belive he didn’t do it….” kOnO |
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| A man goes to see his proctologist. The nurse tells him to strip down and have a seat on the table and the doctor would be in shortly. He strips down, puts on the gown and sits on the table waiting for the doctor. He looks over to the counter top and notices three objects. A tube of KY jelly, a pair of latex gloves, and a can of beer. Finding this quite odd he asks the doctor. "Doc, I know what the KY jelly is for, I also know what the latex gloves are for, but what on earth are you going to do with that can of beer?" The doctor gives a quick look to the items and shouts out the door "Darn it Ellen, I said a butt light!!" |
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| When I went to school I never learned anything. and evrey day I'll walk 4 miles to school and 4 miles from school. and I never learned anything because school was 5 miles away. |
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Bill: Last night I had the wildest dream. I was standing in front of this door. And there was a sign on the door, and I pushed and pushed and pushed on that door and I couldn't get it open. So I pushed and pushed and pushed on it, but I couldn't get it open. Will: What did he sign say? Bill: It said "PULL" |
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| Last Night I dreamt that I was eating a Giant Marshmallow. and this morning when I woke up my pillow was missing. |
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| Man answers the door, and is annoyed to find a snail, so he throws it as far as he can.....Two week later, a knock on the door...The man opens it, and there is the snail, who says, "Why the heck did you do that?".... |
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I was bad at school, my teacher asked, "Who in Mythology was half man, half beast?" I answered, " Buffalo Bill!" my teacher asked, "Who was Joan of Arc?" I answered, " Noah's Babe!" |
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| Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool and gave birth to mittens? |
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| *GROAN* |
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How do you make a dog go Meow? Put it through an electric meat saw. How do you make a cat go woof? Pour Petrol (Gas for the Americans) on it and set it alight. (Wooof) I love Rabbits, especially in a stew... or a soup... or... *Wolf looks around to see if any animal activists are around* |
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| 10 rabbits in a row....If they take 1 step backward, do you get a receding hareline?.... |
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| Where does a rabbit go when it loses it's tail? To the retail store, of course. |
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Answer: Sis, boom bah! Question: What is the sound of exploding sheep? Answer: Sun and Moon. Question: Name 2 things you can do at a nudist beach. |
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| Doug tookmystory I was going to tell about how my dog lost his tail. in san francisco. |
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| My dentist joined the Army.....He's a drill sargeant....... |
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| What did the dog say when he got his tail cut off? "Won't be long now...." |
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| I told my dentist, "Man, you're looking kinda down in the mouth today."..... |
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How do fighter pilots like their eggs? Scrambled. How do magicians like their eggs? Fried. How did Robin Hood like his eggs? Poached. How do pole-vaulters like their eggs? Over easy. |
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| My eyes bothered me, so I went to the optimist; He said "Oh, you'll be ok."... |
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What do you do when you find an old horse in your bathtub? Pull out "the plug." What did the mother do when her son put his socks on inside-out? She turned the hose on him. |
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| My wife's such a bad cook even the flies pitch in to fix the screen door.... |
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| My Cooking is so Good. that evrey time I cook at the Restraunt. evreyone knows I'm Cooking there Because they put up a Sign that Say's Sorry We're Open. |
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| Knock knock. Whos there? Yer old lady? Yer old lady who? Yer old lady says to get yer butt out of this bar and get it home before she clobbers ya! |
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| Knock Knock Who's There ? Ima Ima Who ? Ima Gonna think of some Better Jokes we need it. |
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Guy is stumbling down the street at 2 in the morning, dead drunk. Cop stops him and says "Where are you going?' Drunk says "I'm (hic) going to a lecture!" Cop says "where are you going to find a lecture at 2 AM?" Drunk says " My (hic) WIFE!!" |
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| Man runs in the bar and yells to the other, "My chihuahua is killing your pit bull!" "How can that be?" "He's choking on him!"... |
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| Knock knock. Whos there? Donchoo. Donchoo who? Don choo just hate stupid knock knock jokes? |
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Want to hear a dirty joke? Yes. I fell in the mud! Want to hear a clean one? Yes. I washed myself off. |
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| A mushroom goes in a bar and asks for a beer....Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."......Mushroom says, "Why not?...I'm a fun guy." (fungi).... |
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| That's almost like the string who went into the bar. and the bartender goes to him and says to him. excuse me but we don't serve strings here. and so the string ties himself into a knot and the string says nope I'm a frayed knot. |
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Why do you park on a driveway?? Why would you go to the doctor to have them practice on you?? Why do they have brail on drive-thru-ATM machines?? Why would you drive on a parkway?? Wouldn't that be unsafe? Did you know a fish has a memory span of 3 seconds....and so do humans when there boss is yelling at them? I still can't figure out why they call it a strip mall. I have to find a Strip bar in one...dang nab-it Why do you jump on a Trampoline....shouldn’t you get trampled on it?? Did you know pounding Michael If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) ( I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off ! ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing???) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Michael |
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This was sent to me and they were all credited to Tommy Cooper. 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's like Tom Jones syndrome.'Is it common? "It's not unusual." 12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy" 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Will |
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| Anyone have any limericks or poems. |
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There once was a locksmith named Don Who said "Tools are my [i]sine qua non[/i] I use wrenches and picks For most of my tricks But my rakes I just save for the lawn." |
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There once was a man with a beard, who said "Tis just as I feared" "Three larks and a wren, two crows and a hen, have all built their nest in my beard!" |
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| CamelotFX very good and quite Creative. you and DaffyDoug get a A+. |
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| It's not how often you're coughin, it's the coffin they carry you off in.... |
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There was a lady who triplets begat, Nat pat and Tat It was fun breeding but trouble feeding because she didn't have a tit for tat. |
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There once was a magician named Pat He was a large man, some say he was fat. He would pull out his bunny Pour on maple syrup and bee's honey And eat it right there where he sat! There once was a lady from New York She married a magical dork. He practiced real hard with his coins and his cards, Till one day she stabbed him with a fork! There once was a magician named Maven The Magic Castle was his chosen haven, He read people's minds He did it all the time And for that, they never really forgave him! David Copperfield flew through the air, Tricks like this are really quite rare, But after he performed the illusion Portal he was proven not to be mortal cause it didn't even mess up his hair! Lyndel |
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There once was a fellow named Tim And Floridians said "Hey, that's him! He's that cop we adore on His [i]Magic 4 Morons[/i] But he could use some time in the gym." |
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Mary had a litle lamb She also had a duck She put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fall over. |
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What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman..... |
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There once was a man from Nantucket, Who kept all of his cash in a bucket, But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. This version can be told at kid parties. There is another version (or so I am told ;) ) that is more risqué. If the parents know that version and you start this one you can hear a loud sigh of relief from them when you conclude with this version. |
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Q: How do you disguise an elephant in the middle of new york??? A: with sunglasses. Donm't laugh, have you ever seen one like that??? Of course not. it was disguised |
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There once was a lady from Wite. Who's speed was faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way And returned the previous night. |
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Litte Willie with a grin Drank down all his father's gin His mother said When he got PLASTERED... Give me that Bottle... You little BAd kid... :kermit: |
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| How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NONE. Vampires live in the dark! |
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Peter Biro was a magus Played New York, Detroit and Vegas Quicker than the eye, a mover, Just amazed J. Edgar Hoover Who started, for a grateful nation, The Federal Biro of Investigation. |
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[quote] On 2005-02-08 11:52, The Mirror Image wrote: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) Michael [/quote] Its a lie I tell you! A Myth!! I have had many a lady tell me that I am a real pig and I have never orgasmed for that long. |
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| You're next, Patrick, as soon as I come up with a rhyme for "Guadalajara"... |
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What are the three parts of a woodburning stove? Lifter leg and poker. (think about it) |
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So a Guy walks into the Docs office .. and says Gee doc I am not sure .. but when I touch My shoulder it hurts .. and I touch my knee it hurts .. and touch my chest it hurts ... and touch my head it hurts .. doc looks at him .. " simple enough your finger's broke "... :P .. "Now I want you to stand over by the strip down stand over by the window and stick out your tounge" .. the guy says hmm doc all that for a broken finger? doc replies .. "nahhh I am just PO'ed at the Doctor across the street" Keet A Magician from Kalamazoo with nothing better to do On the Fouth of July cried why should we Fry LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW AND IT SNEW |
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| Like the cat said when he got his tail cut off "Ther's a good piece of tail out in that grass somewhere if I could just find it." |
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| I asked my wife how come the attractive women always seem to marry the homely, goofy looking men. She said, "Why thank you dear!"...... |
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I hardly slept at all last night because there was this woman screaming and yelling and beating on my door practically all night long. So, I finally got up and let her out. Flobiwan |
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Did you read the headlines? Three thousand hares got out of the lab and ran loose on main street. The police had to comb the area. |
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| And when they saw the policemen, they all took one step backwards and had the World's Biggest Receding Hare Line. |
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Two dogs walked over to a parking meter and one said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!" |
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There once was a lady from kent, Whose nose was most awfully bent. One day, I suppose, she followed her nose, And noone knows which way she went. There once was a man from the city, who petted what he thought was a kitty. He gave it a pat, and said "nice little cat" and they buried his clothes out of pity. The wonderful wizard of Oz, retired form bussiness because, with that new fangled science, he had no complience, so he just wasn't the wiz that he was. Mary had a little lamb, a little steak, a little jam. a little soda topped with fizz, Oh how sick our Mary is! an eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin, and very well I suppose, But one time I slept in my bare skin, and by golly, I almost froze! I often thought in wonder, at fate's particular ways, how all our famous men, were born on holidays! I'll think of more and send them in. This really should be a sticky :kermit: |
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| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..... |
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Holly cow, there are a lot of corny old overplayed jokes here. Some of you should be crazy to actually use some of these. 17 pages and 90564 bad jokes later and the saga still goes on. Good job guys. don't forget to tip your hooker. |
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| 90564? Don't tell me you actually took the time to count all these! Holy cow! |
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OK, if this is too risque, please delete it. A guy walks into the men's room and proceeds to the urinal to do his business. While he is taking care of things, a little dwarf walks in and pulls a ladder to the urinal next to him and proceeds to do his business as well. While the man is still peeing, he notices the dwarf scooting the ladder closer to his urinal. He then notices the little guy looking down at his well um..... stuff. "Wow, that sure is an impressive size you have there" says the little guy. The man is a little shocked but yet flattered. "Thank you", he responds. "Would it be ok if I touched it?" asked the dwarf. The man finding this quite odd but harmless agrees. The dwarf then gets a death grip on the man's ba##s and sqeezes with all his might. "OK" the dwarf says, "Give me your wallet or I jump off this ladder." :bg: |
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:lol: That was good Phil. |
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| I have the body of a god......Budda........... |
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| Pats Buddahs Head and Rubs his belly. |
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotamy! Cheers Dayle |
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Little Mary Quite contrary Upon the ice did frisk. Wasn't she A silly girl Her little * What's up? A two-letter word for "above." No, what's up? About twice as far as half-way. No, really, what's up? My time here. |
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Mary had a little watch, She swallowed it one day. She took some powerful laxitive to pass the time away. The laxitive it didn't work, and the time it didn't pass. Now if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's > > > > >Uncle... He has a pocket watch! Lyndel |
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1st Atom: "Hey! I just lost an electron!" 2nd Atom: "Are you sure?" 1st Atom: "Yeah, I'm positive!" |
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A baby seal walks into a club... Too sick?... |
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Mary had a little lamb It walked into a pylon 10 000 volts went up its a** And turned its wool to nylon. |
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Bumper sticker: If you can read this, I lost my trailer...... |
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Okay, Patrick, andale! A magician in Guadalajara Bought himself a pet capybara "It's not very big But it looks like a pig So we'll have pork tamales tomarra!" Arriba! Ole! A magician, the best you could wish up, Said "I've taken as much as you dish up! I'm going away To pray every day And return as a full-fledged Arch-Bishop!" |
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| If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut? .... |
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| Maybe Hes one of those Star Wars Fans. |
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A man went into a store and asked the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The shopper, clearly offended, said "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With self - indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot." Michael |
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What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor *rimshot* |
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[quote] On 2005-02-17 15:20, The Mirror Image wrote: A man went into a store and asked the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The shopper, clearly offended, said "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With self - indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot." Michael [/quote] Har har har!! That one is hilarious!! |
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How's the weather in Mexico? Chile today, hot tamale. Thanks, CamelotFX! Hicisteme un dia bien. (You made my day!) |
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A pirate and a sailor are in a bar, taking turns boasting about their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. So he asks 'How did you end up with the peg leg?" Pirate says 'We were in a storm at sea. Suddenly I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as they were pulling me out, the shark bit me leg off! Arrrhh!" Sailor says "***!" "How about the hook? How did you get that?" Pirate says "Arrrhh! Me and my maties were plundering in the Middle East, and I was caught stealing from a merchant, and the punishment for stealing in the Middle East is they chop your hand off! Arrrhhh!" Sailor says "****!" "How did you get the eyepatch?" Pirate says "Arrrhhh! A seagull dropping fell into me eye!" "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?!!??" "Arrrhhh! It was me first day with the hook!" |
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Thanks daffydoug. Glad someone like it. I mean no offense to it...Please post italian jokes....they are some time funny. Ok for joke wise.... Why do blondes that work in a lumber yard have TGIF on there boots....Toes Go In First Michael |
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| I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to....... |
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Well my all time favorite and I have been keeping it to myself. I want to die quietly like my grand-dad. Not like the passenger in the car!! Michael |
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| I know of one italian joke. but I'm not sure if I am allowed to post it here. and no its not a dirty joke. |
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Well you can pm me if you like. I take no offense to them. Laughter is the best medicine... Michael A great piece THE PASTA DIET IT REALLY WORKS ! 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Michael |
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A businessman walks into a bar and orders a double martini on the rocks. The bartender brings him his drink, and he downs it, then peeks inside of his shirt pocket. He orders another drink, downs it, and peeks inside his shirt pocket. This happens a third time, all the while the bartender is watching in curiousity. The fourth time, he orders the drink the bartender says "Hey buddy, I'll keep bringing you drinks all night long, but you just gotta' tell me why you keep peeking in your shirt pocket everytime you finish your drink." The guy says "I'm peeking at a picture of my wife. As soon as she starts to look good, then I'll know I've had enough!" |
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| A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." |
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| Guy goes into a Dr's office and he says to him Dr. you have to help me I think I'm a Bridge. Dr. says to the Guy realy whats come over you ? Guy says to the Dr. so far 2 trucks and a Bus. |
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Lady says, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse....He craves oats, and will whinny all day." Doctor says, "Can you bring him in today?" She says, "No, he's running in the sixth at Pimlico." .... |
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Magician goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doc, I'm having a hard time making career decisions. At first, I wanted to be a mentalist." "Why didn't you?" "I was afraid of what people might think. So then I became a cardman." "How did that go?" "I just couldn't deal. That's when I tried escapology." "How did that make you feel?" "Tied down and locked-in. What's your advice?" "How about getting into shells?" "You think I'm nuts?" |
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I told the skull doctor I had trouble remembering things. He said, "How long have you had this condition?" I said, "What condition?"..... |
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Dog for sale - eats anything- fond of children Nick |
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What is green and smells like pork? curmit the frogs finger. Its a dirty joke bet always gets laughs. |
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| Knock knock. Who's there? I got two. I got two who? I got two pee REAL BAD, SO LET ME IN! |
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| I told my doctor no one listens to me.....He said, "Next?" ...... |
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| I went to the doctor and said it hurts when I press my finger here (touch your arm) or press here (touch your leg) or press here (touch your stomach.) He looked me over and told me I had a broken finger. |
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I told the doctor that every time I took a sip of tea, I got a horrible pain in my right eye....He said, "Try removing the spoon.".... |
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| I went to the dr's office and told him dr it hurts whenever I do this. ( move arm etc. ) he said don't do it and it won't hurt. |
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| I get no respect. I said Doc, "whats wrong with me? Every time I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up." He said "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." |
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| These are good .LOL |
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| If you tie balloons : "Balloons, the original pop music!" |
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Bumper Sticker: Cover me...I'm changing lanes....... |
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((((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone? " "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank." "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey? " he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! " "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? " "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . Is this 555-7039?? Michael I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. Michael |
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| Hey mirror! That one about the swimming pool made me laugh my butt off! that's hilarious! The ending jumps up and hits you real good! |
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Thanks. Glad you liked it....I hope you can find your butt since you laughed it off.... Michael |
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I came home early from work to surprise my wife on our anniversary. As I was pulling up in the drive way, I noticed our mailman......naked. I rolled down the window and said "Hey buddy, you're naked." He replied "Hey Phil, you're home early!" :bg: Phil |
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[quote] On 2005-02-18 08:22, The Mirror Image wrote: I want to die quietly like my grand-dad. Not like the passenger in the car!! Michael [/quote] I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers! |
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| How bad of a driver was he. |
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| You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me... |
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I am a great person, once you learn to worship me. Hey You! Off my planet. Computer Electronics Philosophy: Electronic component run on smoke. When the smoke escapes out the top of the system, the system is broken and you must try to get all the smoke back into the components so that they can work. I'll Rise, but I wont shine! |
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There's something that I don't understand. I have flood, fire and life insurance. If I have a flood, they pay me. If I have a fire, they pay me. This must be proof that I don't have a life because they haven't paid me a dime! Fredd |
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--For the Smart Women He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said.... "You wear pants don't you?" He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said.... "That's a good idea-you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!" He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!" Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know, it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." The man says, "But, God, why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." Wolflock, Thanks. Dang I feel bad that I got that wrong. What a bad jokester I am hehehehe Michael |
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[quote] On 2005-02-23 08:39, The Donster wrote: How bad of a driver was he? [/quote] I was at a party with him and he was stone cold sober but we still took his keys away and called a cab. He saw a sign that said "$500 Fine For Littering" so he threw his wallet out the window. He hit an oncoming car and when he came to in the hospital, he told the police "I swerved to miss a tree." They told him it was his air freshener. |
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China has an Olympic hockey team,,,,,I think they're called the Chinese Checkers....... |
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Just took this picture the other day at Lake Michigan: http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/stress-test.jpg Wow I was like I couldn't believe it cause when I snapped it it was over. When do you ever see these two animals in Lake Michigan at this time of year. Well I think I need to take my medication more often heheheh Michael A great saying Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Michael |
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[quote] On 2005-02-24 15:52, The Mirror Image wrote: Just took this picture the other day at Lake Michigan: http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/stress-test.jpg Wow I was like I couldn't believe it cause when I snapped it it was over. When do you ever see these two animals in Lake Michigan at this time of year. Well I think I need to take my medication more often heheheh Michael [/quote] That looks like one for the front page of the Weekly World news! |
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Then I took it then hehehehe Just imagine how freaked out I was to see both of those animals swimming next to each other in LAKE MICHIGAN and non-salt water body. Pretty neat eh!! Michael |
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[quote] On 2005-02-24 19:21, The Mirror Image wrote: Just imagine how freaked out I was to see both of those animals swimming next to each other in LAKE MICHIGAN and non-salt water body. Michael [/quote] That is weird. I could understand if it was Lake Ontario, but Lake Michigan??!!! Fredd |
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Hey, my dog accidentally swallowed a flashlight! It's OK. he coughed it back up. Was he OK? Oh, yeah. he was delighted! |
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| Today's weather: Muggy, followed by Tueggy, Weggy, Thurggy,,,,,,,,,,, |
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[quote] On 2005-02-23 16:47, CamelotFX wrote: [quote] On 2005-02-23 08:39, The Donster wrote: How bad of a driver was he? [/quote] I was at a party with him and he was stone cold sober but we still took his keys away and called a cab. He saw a sign that said "$500 Fine For Littering" so he threw his wallet out the window. He hit an oncoming car and when he came to in the hospital, he told the police "I swerved to miss a tree." They told him it was his air freshener. [/quote] Same guy wanted to go hunting, saw a sign that said "Bear Left," so he went back home. Jack Shalom |
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A guy was out bear hunting, and he saw a bear coming over the hill. He pulled out his bear gun and began to unload and was so scared he missed . The bear is now in a rage and is running toward him like a freight train, growling like mad, foaming at the mouth, and geting closer. The guy pulls the trigger, and horrors! No more bullets! The bear gets so close the guy can see the glint of his teeth, and the guy is so scared he is frozen in his tracks! Finally the bear is so close the guy can smell his breath and in a couple seconds the fella will become lunch. He can't move, but he manages to squeeze out a little prayer to God. "Oh GOD! PLEASE let this bear get religion REAL FAST!!! Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashes out of the clear blue sky, and their is a deafening clap of thunder that shakes the mountains. Then, miraculously, the bear DROPS to his knees, and says "Oh Lord. For what we are about to receive, please make us truly thankful.... |
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| Two victims are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one victim turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says....... |
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| Daffynition:politics-The condition that occurs when your parrot acidentally swallows a wrist watch (polly ticks. Ya' get it?) Hey, the title said CORNY jokes! |
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| A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"...... |
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I see you have a dog! Yep. Spitz? No, but he drools a little. |
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| I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive..... |
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A drunk stumbles into a catholic Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times loudly on the wall. The drunk mumbles " There ain't no use (hic) knocking. There aint no paper on this side either!" |
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| A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"...... |
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| The Problem with the Cow/Dolphin Pic is. 1 it is to clear for Being Lake Michigan. and 2 I'm Sure Michael was Udderly Delighted at seeing this ;) |
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[quote] On 2004-12-09 11:32, The Donster wrote: Guessing the punchlines. 1 Hardened Criminals 2 insane 3 ???????????? 4 Marooned 5 ????????????? any clues as to what 3 and 5 are ? [/quote] 2 is actually "your (you're) nuts" - Thank you Austin Powers! [quote] On 2004-12-09 11:32, The Donster wrote: Guessing the punchlines. 1 Hardened Criminals 2 insane 3 ???????????? 4 Marooned 5 ????????????? any clues as to what 3 and 5 are ? [/quote] Oh, and 5? He had opened Mamma's male (mail). [quote] On 2004-12-30 11:14, juggleral wrote: What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sinko Did anyone hear about that new French restaurant on the Moon? Great food but no atmosphere Last weekend I bought a hide a bed, I put it away, and now I can't find it. These arn't old jokes, it's folk humor. What did you expect Dolly Partton on a trampolene? [/quote] Can't remember the comedian, but he had some great one-liners. Spilled some spot remover on my dog... haven't seen him in three weeks. Bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again. Bought a humidifier and a de-humidifier. Turned them both on in the same room and let them battle it out. |
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| Steven Wright from "I have a pony". |
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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call fom a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. Desk clerk says "It opens at noon." about an hour later, he gets another call from the same guy, only he sounds drunker than before. "What time does the bar open?" desk clerk says "Same time as before...noon." Another hour passes and he calls again, PLASTERED. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" Clerk says "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send you up something." "NO! I dunt wanna get in, I wanna get OUT!!!" |
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| The invisible man married the invisible woman; their kids were not much to look at either!!!! |
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[quote] On 2005-02-28 15:45, BSutter wrote: Steven Wright from "I have a pony". [/quote] That's right. I love this guy, but I couldn't remember his name! |
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[quote] On 2005-02-24 18:39, daffydoug wrote: [quote] On 2005-02-24 15:52, The Mirror Image wrote: Just took this picture the other day at Lake Michigan: http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/stress-test.jpg Wow I was like I couldn't believe it cause when I snapped it it was over. When do you ever see these two animals in Lake Michigan at this time of year. Well I think I need to take my medication more often heheheh Michael [/quote] That looks like one for the front page of the Weekly World news! [/quote] You can definetly tell that this pic is a fake. That is a fresh water cow, not a salt water cow. You may all thank me now!! ;-) S. Patrick |
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Little Johnny comes down for breakfast one morning, and since he lived on a farm, his mother asked him if he had done his chores. He says "Not yet.", So his mom tells him he will not have any breakfast until his chores are finished. Little Johny gets really peed of, and goes to feed the chickens, and takes out his anger by kicking the chicken. The chicken sqwaks and feathers go flying everywhere. next he goes to milk the cow, and does it again. He kicks the cow, and goes to feed the pigs. You guessed it. He kicks the pig also. He goes in for breakfast, and his mom gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" "Why didn't you put milk on my cereal?" "well," says mom I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week" I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a whole week" "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk on your cereal for a week too." Just then his father comes into the kitchen and kicks the cat on his way in. Little Johnny looks at mom and with a smile says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" |
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| I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." ..... |
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A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says 'About two hours" So the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around and sees a full shop and says "About two hours", so he leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around and says "About an hour and a half" So he leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "hey Joey. I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes"." A little while later the guy comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says "This must be good! Where did he go?" Joey says "To your house" A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to divest herself of her garments. She finishes, and the guy is so busy staring at her that he runs off the highway and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads "Go get help!" she replies "I can't! I'm naked!" He points to his shoe that was thrown out of the car and says " Cover your ***** with that and go get help!" She takes the shoe, covers her **** and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant ' HELP! HELP! My boyfriends stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her **** and says " I'm sorry miss. He's just too far in." |
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| After completing a physical exam, the Doctor tells his patient that he has very little time left. The man asks, "How long do I have, Doc?" The doctor says, "Ten." The man asks, "Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks, ten days?" The doctor says, "nine, eight, seven, six,..." |
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| I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... |
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This is the story of a bartender who was also a weight lifter in his spare time. His strength had grow to legendary status. In fact, the local bar patrons were so sure of his physical abilities, that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet. Here is the bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon into a glass until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop out of it would win the money. Many people accepted the challenge, but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man walked into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyseter suit and said in a little squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet" After the hilarious laughter died down, the bartender said "OK. You're on. He took the lemon, squeezed the crap out of it, and handed the shriveled rind to the little man. The crowds hoots and howls turned to deaf silence as the little twerp put his fist around the rind, and with a mighty squeeze, six drops fell into the glass. You could have heard a pin drop. The bartender reluctantly paid up, and asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weight lifter or WHAT??" The little twerp simply said in a most twerpy voice "No. I am an IRS agent'" |
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Spatrick Boy if anyone really thinks that was a salt water cow must be crazy. Thanks for clarifying that is a fresh water cow. The best in the world. I rather eat a fresh water cow. Less sodium LOL Michael |
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I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.... Another guy only sprayed under his right arm....He couldn't find any Left Guard..... |
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was taking it out for a drive, when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over, and she did. He gets out of his truck, takes a piece of chalk out of his pocket, draws a circle on the road, and says "Now stand in that circle and don't move!" Then he goes to her car and cuts up her leather seats. When he turns around she has a slight grin on her face, so he says "You think that's funny? Then watch this!" He grabs a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns around and looks she has a smile on her face, and now he is getting really mad. He gets his jack knife out and slashes all her tires, and now she is laughing! The truck driver is really starting to lose it at this point, so he goes to his truck, gets a can of gas and pours it on her car and sets the whole thing ablaze. He turns around, and she is laughing so hysterically she is about to fall down. He is going crazy trying to figure her out, and shouts at the top of his lungs "What is so d*** FUNNY??!!" She says " Ha ha! When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle four times!" |
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If buttercups are yellow, what color are hiccups? BURPLE!!!! |
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| Yeah, Burple, like Belch's Grape Juice..... |
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" Michael |
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| ROFLMAO!! Michael, that was HILARIOUS!!! :rotf: |
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Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I laughed my butt off over that last one! That was the funniest joke I've heard in years!! Mirror, you rock man! A lion wakes up in the jungle to find that a tool is missing. he goes to the elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Elephant replies "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well, Its got four points on it." Elephant "Sorry, I haven't seen it." "Try mouse." So the lion goes to the mouse and asks 'Have you seen my tool?" Mouse :" What does it look like?" Lion: "Well, it's got four points on it." mouse: "Sorry. I haven't seen it. Try Croc." So the lion goes to the croc and asks "have you seen my tool?" Croc "What does it look like?" Lion :"Well, it's got four points on it." Croc:"Sorry I haven't seen it. Try Jaguar" Lion goes to jaguar "have you seen my tool?" Jaguar "Of course. I ate it.' Lion "Why did you do that?" Jaguar: "Because I'm a four point, tool eater Jaguar, of course." (Hey, the original topic did ask for CORNY did it not?) OK. One more: I was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid it, but the rabbit hopped in front of my car and was killed. Being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pulled over to the side of the road to see the rabbit. the rabbit was dead, and I began to cry. A woman driving along the highway saw me crying, and pulled over to see what was the matter. I told her that I had hit the rabbit, and killed it, and I felt horrible. The woman said "Not to worry." "I know what to do." She walked over to her trunk, pulled out a spray can, and sprayed it on the limp dead rabbit rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit sprang to life, jumped up, waved his little paw at us, and hopped down the road. Fifty feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved again. He hopped another fifty feet, turned around and waved. Then another fifty feet later, he again turned around and waved. I was flabbergasted. I couldn't figure out what was in the spray can, so I asked her. "What was in the spray can? What did you spray on the rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so I could read it. It said: Hair spray - restores life to dead hair - adds permanent wave. Can I get any cornier? One more. This one will get ya' fellas!" It was Grandma's 100th birthday, so the family wheeled her out on the lawn where the activities for her party were to take place. Grandma couldn't speak well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time on the lawn, Grandma started to lean off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, and stuffed a pilow on her right to keep her from falling. A short time later, she began to lean to the left, so once again, they grabbed her, and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started to lean forward, so they grabbed a pillowcase and tied it around her waste to keep her from falling. A nephew who had arrived late came running up to grandma and asked "Hi Grandma. You're looking good. how have they been treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly began to write a note to the nephew: "Not so good. They won't even let me FART!" And one more for the road: Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking across the plains, when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, and finally asks "What is it Tonto?" Tonto says "Buffalo come." "How can you tell?" "Ear sticky." |
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You see a person jump off the roof of a two-story building and not get hurt. So you try to do it yourself. What is that called? Jumping to contusions. |
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| Rofl over the jaguar one |
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| I taught my girlfriend how to play golf....We started off with the irons, then worked our way into the woods...... |
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Thanks daffydoug. More to come. Michael |
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What should you do if you see a bra on the road? Leave it alone...it might be a booby-trap. |
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| A handyman needed work, so I gave him a bucket of paint and a brush, and told him to paint the porch behind the house. 3 hours later, he came to me covered in paint, and said, "Done, and by the way, that wasn't a Porsche; It was a Ferrari."... |
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[quote] On 2005-03-11 10:43, The Mirror Image wrote: Thanks daffydoug. More to come. Michael [/quote] Honest. That last one about the gay crook wil be darn hard to beat. I started telling it to folks at work today. They all thought it was hilarious,too! I guess that guy got to meet "Bubba", huh? Har har har!! OK. here goes: Two gay guys were walking through a zoo. They happened upon the gorillas, and one of them noticed that the massive male gorilla had a huge woody. This so fascinated them that they couldn't take their eyes of it. Finally one of the guys couldn't bear it anymore, and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, pulled him into the cage, and banged him for six hours non stop. When he was done, he threw the gay guy back out of the cage. An ambulance was called, and the man was taken to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" He shouts. "Wouldn't you be??! The big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..." |
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[quote] On 2005-01-21 21:09, daffydoug wrote: How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Vampires live in the dark! [/quote] How many magician does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100. One puts in the lightbulb the other 99 argue which method is the best. |
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Three expectant mothers, two brunnettes and a blonde, were sitting in the waiting room chatting about their pregnancies and their due dates and such. One says I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when it was concieved, my husband was on top. The second one replies. "Well, that must mean that mine is going to be a girl, because when I concieved I was on top." The blonde suddenly bursts into tears. and just starts balling uncontrollably. The other two ask "What's the matter honey?" She sobs "Oh no!!I'm going to have puppies!"" I get no respect. I went to the Dr. I said Dr, my wife has aids. He gave HIMSELF a shot! |
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| Is a contortionist from the Phillipines called a Manila Folder?..... |
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| I get no respect. When I was a kid playing in the sandbox the cats covered me up! |
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"how old are you? (8 for example) 8? have you ever been 9? try that in a year" during the burnt shoe routine to the kid "Do you ever feed the dog?" no? do you have a dog? No? well then don't feed it! for No: no, do you have a dog, you do? not for long! yeah terrible lol Zack |
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| Since in a earlier Post. someone started a My Magician is so Dumb. here is one to add to that List. my Magician is so Dumb. that he took the Pepsi Challenge and Chose JIF. |
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| Brains? I asked my girlfriend what the capital of Texas is; She said "T"........ |
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When god was passing out brains I thought he said trains. So I said I would like a slow one please. Michael |
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:lol: Quoted from someone on the magic talk site. (Loved this one.) No, peasant, I am not an elitist. |
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[quote] On 2005-03-16 08:43, Wolflock wrote: :lol: Quoted from someone on the magic talk site. (Loved this one.) No, peasant, I am not an elitist. [/quote] "Pretentious? Moi?" [Max Maven] TW |
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| "I don't mean to be condescending... That means talking down to you.' |
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An indian walked into a reataurant and was dragging a BULL behind him on a rope. he also had a gun. He ordered a cup of coffee, and as soon as he got it, he gulped it down, and then turned around and pulled out the pistol and shot the bull. Then he walked out. The next day the same thing happens. He gulps the coffee, shoots the animal, then leaves. The third day he walks in, orders the coffe, but the waitress says "Oh no! I'm not giving you any coffee.. besides, we are still cleaning up the mess from the last time! And why did you do that anyway?" The indian says "Me studying for upper management position. Drink coffee, shoot the bull, then leave" |
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A drunk walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both order a round of drinks and proceed to get wasted. After one too many, the giraffe passes out and crashes to the floor snoring loudly. The drunk gets up and starts to stumble out the door knowing it is time to leave. The bartender yells "Hey buddy you can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies "That's not a lion. It's a giraffe!" boooooo. |
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| My sister goes to the Beauty parlor the other Day. and tells the Beautician to make her look Beautiful. the Beautician looked at her and said Honey I'm a Beautician not a Magician. |
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How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree? Paints his nutz red. Did you hear Tarzan was killed the other day? Yeah! He was picking cherries from a cherry tree. |
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts Her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750" Man: "Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball bat and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now." Michael A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... One: The bartender is a blonde woman. Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman. Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer. Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Michael |
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| A salesman drowning in a pond was saved by a 3 legged pig.....When he thanked the farmer, he asked him why the pig had 3 legs....The farmer said, "Why, with such a talented pig, you don't want to eat him all at once"... |
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| Oops above Post should read Cherry not cerry. also I seen a talking three legged Dog the Other Day. and he was looking around for something. so I went up to him and asked what he was looking for and he said to me I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw. |
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A little boy runs across man who has a truckoad of cow manure and he asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The man tells the little boy "I'm taking it home to put it on my strawberries. The little boy says "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and SUGAR on our strawberries!" Have you guys run out of jokes? I still have a few! Let's get this party rolling! |
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| I think they have. ok here goes one my house is so small. ( wait for audience to say how small is it ) it is so small that whenever I want to change my mind. that I have to go outside to change it. |
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Since it is easter time. Here is a easter joke What happens when you tell an easter egg a joke It will CRACK up!! Michael |
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| My house is SO small...........The front and back door are on the same hinge |
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That was good....but so SAD!! Some old news but this is still great. THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!! Michael |
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| I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet....... |
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| What Do you Call a Bubble Gum Train ? |
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| A chew chew?..... |
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| That was a bad yoke... I mean joke. |
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| Joseph your Correct a Chew Chew Train. it might be Bad but one can wait til it Blows Over. ;) |
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| I wish this topic would run out of steam. |
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| My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met...... |
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I got a set of Paul Fox cups for my wife. Not a bad swap. |
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| I went to a massage parlor. It was self service...... |
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| My ma took me to the zoo. and they thanked her for returning me. |
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How do you drown a blonde???? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool Michael |
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| Some dog I have. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room..... |
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OK guys, What time do the kids go to bed at in Michael Jacksons house??? When the Big hand touches the Little hand. Michael If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) The two were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. Michael P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
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| If you get olive oil by squeezing olives, How do you get baby oil? |
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| How do you get a magician off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza. |
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| My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday...... |
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Three statisticians go hunting with bows and arrows. They sight a deer. The first one shoots and misses wide to the left. The second one shoots and misses wide to the right. The third one shouts, "Yeah! We got 'im!" |
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A blonde wishes to prove to her husband that not all blondes are stupid and can't follow directions. When her husband leaves for work she decided to paint the kitchen to surprise him when he gets home. As soon as he leaves she gets right to work. She paints and paints the day away and is doing quite a lovely job. When her husband gets home from work that afternoon he is surprised to see the kitchen painted.... and painted well at that. He is also surprised to see his poor wife laying in the middle of the kitchen floor panting and sweating profusely. He also notices that she is wearing a ski jacket on top of her mink coat. He asks her why she is wearing her ski jacket on top of her mink coat and she replies "the instructions said for best results, apply two coats". BOOOOOO! I know that was a bad one. |
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Why would a magicians brain be used as the final load in a mini cups and balls routine? Because it has swollen. The other day I told my son to paint the porch, he started to backtalk, so I told him to be quite and do it. After some time he came in and said:"well I'm done..... But you know dad you don't have a Porsche, you have a Chevy truck. What is this sound?: Vroom, Schreeech, Vroom, Schreeech, Vroom, Schreech: A Blonde driving through a flashing red light. |
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[quote] On 2005-03-23 09:43, The Donster wrote: Joseph your Correct a Chew Chew Train. it might be Bad but one can wait til it Blows Over. ;) [/quote] That joke (or something close to it) shows up in "Murder By Death" when Sydney Wang (Peter Sellers, doing a Charlie Chan impression) asks his #1 son their hosts (Lionel Twain played by Truman Capote) address. The son starts to read from a card; "Two Two" and Wang interrupts him; "Yes! Two Two Twain House!" The rest of the movie wasn't a lot better. [quote] On 2005-03-23 12:18, joseph wrote: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met...... [/quote] A couple were holding a celebration for their twentith wedding anniversary. A friend noticed the husband would throw angry glances at one of the guests and finally had to ask. The man explained. "That man is my attorney. Shortly after we were married, I realized I couldn't stand married life. Not being able to stand the shame of divorce, I decided to murder my wife and asked him about the ramifications. He explained to me that in this state, I would get twenty years for such a crime. And if I hadn't listened to that man, I'd be free today!" |
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Why did the computer go to the doctor? Cause it had a virus :O) Michael |
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A rather bad man dies and meets the devil in a room with three doors. The devil explains "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these three doors. but the good news is that you can peek behind the doors and take your choice." So the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. He thought "Not very nice." behind the second door he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. "Better , he thought", but I better check the last door" Upon opening that door, he saw a room full of people standing waist deep in excrement sipping coffee. Of the three, he thought, the last ones looks best, so he waded in to get some coffee while the devil closed the door behind him. A few minutes later, the door opened, and the devil stuck his head in and said " OK. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!" |
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(Some I wrote this week) Earlier tonight, I took my wife to dinner. And when the wine steward showed up, she told me she wanted something "expensive"... so I ordered a bottle of regular unleaded. The price of fuel has hit an all-time high. In fact gas is so expensive, if Robert Blake were to murder his wife today, he said he'd shoot her on the bus. Gas is so expensive, now when Robert Blake forgets his gun at a restaurant, he doesn't even drive back to get it. The judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face. Whitney Houston has checked herself back into rehab. And her husband Bobby Brown is taking it pretty hard. The last thing he wants to do is break in a new sparring partner. |
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This is an old and rather unfortunate funny: What is O.J. Simpsons web address? //Esc (Slash, Slash, Backslash, Escape)........ Now I've made myself sad. I have a dog, and I hate his guts......... But I guess I have to eat what my wife feeds me. |
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| Wow.....that is some serious stuff there... |
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| Tarzan and Jane...I hear tarzan got in trouble with her. Cheeta was causing trouble and she told him to go out back and spank the monkey.... |
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| Tarzan Jokes Huh. ok heres one Tarzan comes swinging into his tree house and he says jane give me a Martini. he takes it and he drinks it down and he says jane give me another Martini. so he takes that and drinks it down to. then he asks Jane for another Martini and Jane says to Him Tarzan don't you think that three martinis are enough. and he says you don't understand Jane its a jungle out there. |
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| Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels........... |
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| That joke should be. why don't seagulls fly over the bay. because if they did then they'll be bay-gulls. |
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Since you just loved the last one, you asked for it........ If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk? ..... |
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Don't you think gay men should have their own bathrooms? Not to be rude or anything. If you think about it, it's kinda like a man going into the ladies bathroom. The only difference is, he is disguised as a real man. Or instead of that, they should go to the ladies bathroom. They belong to that team. If we have to play by the rules, then so should they. What about those transsexuals? What the **** is up with that? Who are they fooling? Was it a decision making problem? Or are they waiting for the operation to be completed? A man wearing make up is kinda like a leopard giving you a facial, it doesn't really work. If anyone should have their own bathroom, it should be the transsexuals. |
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Back to the show: Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig..... |
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TO GOD - FROM THE DOG: Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"? Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello". 11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after. 13. I will not throw up in the car. 14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. 15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company. 16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. Dear God, When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? Michael |
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If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? EUROPEAN... of course!............ |
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodle! |
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| Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in...... |
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What's quivering on the bottom of the ocean floor? (Brace yourself) A nervous wreck! |
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A guy went to the shrink and told her that he was a dog. So the shrink told him to lay on the couch so that they can talk. He replied,"I am not allowed too." Michael GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE Michael |
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[quote] On 2005-04-03 11:14, The Donster wrote: That joke should be. why don't seagulls fly over the bay. because if they did then they'll be bay-gulls. [/quote] Why? You can get the joke however it's written. |
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| Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional... |
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Call a psychic and ask them to tell you your name....and when they ask for a credit card number...well tell them that they can read minds that they should be able to see it hehehehe Michael |
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....why was Tigger's head in the toilet? ...he was looking for Pooh. |
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| What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull! |
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| If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get missle toe?.... |
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| Why do walrusses go to tupperware parties? To find a tight seal! |
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Lawyer's oath: I'll tell the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH, nothing but the TRUTH! Dentist's oath: I'll take out the TOOTH, the whole TOOTH, nothing but the TOOTH! |
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Dear Xnix Technologies Tech Support: Last year I upgraded one of your programs from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began an unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5 .0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but I do not know how to uninstall Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a great misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files will cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing will be gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. Also, you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "YESDEAR" to alleviate software hang-ups. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPFs.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during its monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will find that GPFs are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the C:APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, should this happen. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, XniX TechnologiesTech Support ©Jeremy Laine (aka, Secretgraphix) DBA XniX Technologies. I have yet to try the program. Any who has please put up a review. Michael |
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Mandrake01, okay after that one I can only say "You're fired." |
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia............ |
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You might be a redneck if.... You can't get married to your sweet heart because there is a law against it.... Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people"... You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids... You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.... The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it... You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk... You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the "house of tatoos"... You have been married three times and still have the same in laws... The halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse... Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by the ceiling fan... You think the last words of the star spangled banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"... |
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck...... |
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| What do you call a Gorilla with earmuffs on. anything you want Because he can't hear you. |
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How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards....... |
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| Be sure you get the right suits you'll rather look like a King then a Joker. |
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A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies in the bar look up, expecting to se some pitiful yankee from the north. The bartender says 'Y'all aint from around here, are ya?" The guy says "No. I'm from Canada." The bartender says "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says "What in tarnation is a taxidermist?" "Do you drive a taxi?" The guy says "No. A Taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers "It's OK boys. He's one of us!!!" |
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| If a long dress is evening wear, is a suit of armor Silverware?...... |
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| What do you call a bear with not teeth. A gummy bear. |
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| If the suit of Armor covers all of you would it be considered Armor All then ? |
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When Noah's ARK reached it's final destination, he proclaimed to all the animals, "Be free, Go forth and multipy!" All the animals went their merry ways to live free and multiply. Noah noticed 2 snakes that did'nt leave the Ark. " Two snakes, why do you not follow my word to be free, go forth and multiply?" One snake looked at Noah and replied, " We can't, we're just 'adders'." (insert snare drum here) |
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| And the 2 amoeba's could not go because they were dividers..... |
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I'm the king of one-liners I can't remember two |
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils...... |
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| What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots? |
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede........ |
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What is red, orange, and green and has a tail I don't know....you tell me Michael p.s. talk about corny eh |
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What do bees do with their honey? They cell it..... |
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Q: What's black and yellow, wears lipstick, fish net nylons and answers to the name of Billie? A: A 'Queen' Bee |
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What happens to baby chickens whose parents die? They are shipped to Foster Farms! If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, would her name become Ella Vader? It wouldn't hurt you to laugh. |
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| What is yellow and has husks? Corn! You said make them corny. |
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How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path...... |
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Not sure if this one is here or not but here goes. What has four legs and flies? A dead horse or cow or sheep or well you know what I mean |
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How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance...... |
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| I think I'll leave that last joke a-loin. |
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| I agree.....It was Boar-ing...... |
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It's driving me to drink... I think I'll have a glass of swine... Lyndel |
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| Yes Lets Leave it A-Loin but if the Pig was Very Big. we might have to watch out for the Pigs-Knuckles. although the Pig's name was Ink because he kept running out of the Pen. |
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[quote] On 2004-10-04 14:57, Mike Wild wrote: How about, "Can anyone tell me... what's a Grecian Urn?"... "About $2.50 an hour I've been told...". Context is a coins to glass or cup routine. Glass or cup is shaped like an urn. [/quote] Did anyone say, "What's a grecian urn? I Told you! About 2.50 an hour..."? |
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| Bacteria: The rear entrance to the Caféteria....... |
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| Then a Fronteria must be the Front Entrance to a Caféteria. |
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How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it....... |
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A man walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is tucked up in bed. The man says 'This is the pig I SHARE THE BED with when your not here' His wife says 'I think you'll find it's a sheep not a pig' The man says 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep' I edited the above a little bit to make it child safe. :D |
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A redneck calls in sick to work. "Boss, I don't think I'll be in to work today. I feel horrible." The boss replies "when I feel really sick, I always demand sex from my wife. Afterwards I feel great and don't even feel sick anymore. You should try that." The redneck takes the advice that his boss has given him. A couple of hours later the redneck calls his boss back. "Dang boss! You were right. I did what you said and I feel great! By the way, you sure do have a nice house!" Phil |
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What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad....... |
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| Since we are on the frog jokes now. Q. what kind of Soda do Frogs Drink ? A. Croak-A-Cola I'm sure that the people here just find these Jokes Very Ribbetting ;) |
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The difference between a cat and a frog?..... A cat has 9 lives...... A frog croaks every minute.... I toad you these were corny jokes..... |
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| I'm sure evreyone is Green with Envy and very Hoppy to hear these Jokes. |
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations...... |
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Here's my version of the corniest joke in the world. There was a herd of sheep, and among them all only one was black. The other sheep kept teasing him everyday, "Black sheep! Black sheep! Black sheep!" Until one day he couldn't take it anymore. He went to the top of the hill and shouted his lungs out, "I'M NOT A BLACK SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!" Well, as bad as it is. This truly is a joke. |
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What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat...... |
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| At least the Sheep jokes were not that BAA - D |
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| Ewe think so?..... |
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Blue Humor: Potty Jokes Q:Why Did Tigger have his head in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprises toilet? A: The Captain's Log (Dont worry, I washed my hands after typing these jokes.) |
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EEEEEEEEW! You're nasty! I like you... [quote] On 2005-05-07 03:27, magicsteve99 wrote: If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, would her name become Ella Vader? It wouldn't hurt you to laugh. [/quote] And if Pia Zadora married Rich Little, she'd be Pia Little! All those magnificent Confucious jokes... I don't know if it was posted but my mom always told us, "Confucious say, Man who goes to bed with itchy butt, wakes up with smelly finger..." |
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Q: What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for "Klingons". EEEWWWW! That was bad.... I know. ;) Phil |
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Confucious say, "He who run behind car get exhausted." "He who run in front of car get tired." |
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| Why Does Neptune Smell so Bad. A, Because its Right Next to _ _ _ _ _ _ |
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Keeping in the toilet motif... *Confusious say: Man who stand on toilet seat,....'High on pot.' |
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| The queen's toilet always gives a royal flush...... |
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Confucious say, "He who walks sideways through airport turnstile going to Bankok." |
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Confucious also say, "He who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger". "He who farts in church sits alone in "pew" |
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| "He who farts in the elevator rides alone." |
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| Confuscious say man who run after car becomes exhausted. |
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| "Man Stealing Scarlet paint get caught red handed" |
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What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones...... |
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Sorry that I have been out of the loop on this post, but here is a new one: HEALTH QUESTIONS MISCONCEPTIONS PUT TO REST At last we have the truth!!!!!!! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in a nursing home in depends. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans .another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chocolate Bon Bons in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!" Michael |
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Nice info Michael! I never thought of it that way. Here is something really corny I heard the other day. The Greek god of war Thor was riding through the sky on his horse and proclaiming at the top of his lungs "I AM THOR! I AM THOR"! Just then, his horse turns around to face him and says "Of courth you're Thor, you forgot your thaddle thilly". ;) Phil |
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Michael. Brilliant post. Feel like showing it to my doctor and saying, " There! Told you you were wrong!" All part of my anti fitness campaign. If you have any suggestings on where I can hire someone to change the channels with the remote for me, please tell me. The exercise is killing me. Regards Wolflock |
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| Ok Folks whatever Jokes Bomb Here. the Army will be Putting a Fuse on them. |
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep...... |
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| What did one candle say to the other candle ? are you going out Tonight ? |
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What did the big chimney say to the little one? You're too young to smoke...... |
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Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? A: DAM! |
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What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!...... |
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him with a frying pan. |
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Phil...I think that one a leads the group of jokes here as one of the worst...lol I did laugh though :) Here's a joke with some cornosity... Q: Why did the teenager visit the magician? A: He wanted to have his acne disappear. ...Don't all boo at once... |
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| Okay everybody on the count of three.....one...two...booooooooooooooooo,not yet,i said on three. |
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| Boo who? :o) |
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Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why do "tug" boats push their barges?...... |
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| Wolfie why are you Crying ? |
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| My brother used to hit me with a sweater my grandma knitted for him, I developed angoraphobia because of it. |
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| Did you get Angory with him? |
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| Irate that joke a 5.... |
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[quote] On 2005-05-25 09:42, Wolflock wrote: Did you get Angory with him? [/quote] He's always trying to get my goat. He's such a knit-wit... |
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What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.... |
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| Bah-dum-bum |
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My favorite joke EVER!!! A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartenter says to him "HEY! We've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?" |
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What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle...... |
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Did you hear that Canada sold the U.S. a large herd of bison? Did Canada send the U.S. a buffalo bill? |
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| I heard replacing your car muffler yourself can be exhausting work.... |
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| Joseph I don't think that might be true but it might be Tire-ing as well. |
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Did you hear about the Astronaut who kissed a frog? He got STAR WARTS. |
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| I think that might be the Warts ( Worse ) Joke Yet. |
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| The girl was so skinny, when she swallowed an olive, 6 men left town.... |
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A woman walked into a bar and asked for a "double entendre." So the bartender gave it to her. |
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| Dyslexics of the world, untie!...... |
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[quote] On 2005-05-29 09:55, M. Perk wrote: Did you hear about the Astronaut who kissed a frog? He got STAR WARTS. [/quote] May the warts be with you. |
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[quote] On 2005-06-02 07:10, joseph wrote: The girl was so skinny, when she swallowed an olive, 6 men left town.... [/quote] I don't get it.... |
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" My mother and father are cousins. That's why I look so much alike. Why did the chicken cross the road? She didn't want to lay it on the line! A doctor stopped at a certain bar every day after work and ordered a daquiri with a chestnut in it. He did this so often and about the same time of day that the bartender always had his special daquiri (with a chestnut) ready for the doctor. One day the bartender discovered to his dismay that he was out of chestnuts. He found some hickory nuts and figured the doctor might not notice the difference, so he made the doctor's daquiri with a hickory nut in it. When the doctor walked in the bartender handed him his daquiri. The doctor took a sip and cried, "phtttth! Something is wrong with my daquiri!" To which the bartender replied, "That's a hickory daquiri, doc!" |
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COMPUTER TALK ....... Press -- to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 ...... |
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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..." hehe... |
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| THAT'S AWESOME! I'm soooooooooo telling everyone that joke! |
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LOL, Sonny, that's one of my favorites that I had forgotten. There was a certain court jester who made puns about every subject in the kingdom except the king. When asked why, he said, "Because the king is the king and not a subject." This comment enraged the king, who ordered the jester executed. On the day of his execution, the jester slowly climbed the ladder to the gallows and smiled sadly as the executioner put the noose around his neck. Suddenly, the king shouted, "Wait! Stop! I've known this man all my life. Spare him!" To this the jester cried, "No noose is good news," and died happily. |
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OK mods. If this is too offensive, feel free to delete it. All please remember that the punch line is just a play on words. Ok here we go... There was once a horse farmer who was selling his prize philly. He got a call from his agent who told him that someone would be by to look at the horse. "How will I know it's him?" the farmer asked. "He's easy to recognize", replied the agent. "He is a dwarf with a speech impediment". The farmer hangs up the phone and goes about his business. An hour or so later he sees the little guy waddling up his driveway. "Hello mithter", the little guy says. "I'm here to thee the horthe for thale". The farmer leads the little man to the barn where the horse is. The dwarf reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny notepad and begins to jot down a few notes. "Nithe horthe. Can I thee her eyes?" The farmer lifts the little guy up to get a look at the horse's eyes. He jots a few things down in his notepad. "Nithe eyes. Can I thee her eerth (ears)"? The farmer lifts him up again to see the horses ears where he again jots a few notes down on the pad. "Nithe eerth. Can I thee her nothe (nose)"? By this time the farmer is getting a little tired of lifting him up and down but still he complies. "Nithe nothe", says the little man. "One more quethtion and we'll be finithed here." The farmer nods in agreement. "Can I thee her twot?" The farmer is taken aback at this very odd request but thinks it normal as the horse is used for breeding. He lifts the little guy up one more time and shoves him face first into the requested area. Just then the little man wiggles free from the farmer's arms and stumbles to the ground gasping for air. "Perhapths I thould wefwase my thentence" the little man coughed. "Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?" |
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Thanks, Phil. I got a real laugh out of that one. I didn't catch on until the last sentence, and I laughed out loud. I knew a guy that spilled a can of Raid in his lap. His fly died. |
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Did you hear what the zen master told the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."..... |
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| I have a cousin named six and seven-eighths. You see, when he was born my aunt and uncle didn't know what to name him, so they put slips of paper with names on them into a hat, and that's what they pulled out. |
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After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? ....... |
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There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!'' The magician chased the bird away. The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!'' The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank. The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'' Michael |
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? ..... |
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There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.” The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars!! As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled “WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!” kOnO |
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| What did one Knife say to the Other Knife ? your looking Very SHARP. |
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer! .... |
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[quote] On 2005-06-08 13:55, Sonny Vegas wrote: A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..." hehe... [/quote] This is great....I can't wait to use it! |
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This drunk is driving his car on the freeway and in front of him he sees a car swerving from one lane to the other. All of a sudden the car hits the guard rail and grinds to a halt. The drunk gets out of his car to see if the driver is hurt. He sees that it is a priest and asked if he is ok. The priest says yes I am fine because I have the Lord riding with me. The drunk turned to him and said "You better let him ride with me because you might kill Him" HAHAHA This man walks up to a drunk on the street that seemed to not know where he was going. The man asked if he could help. The drunk asked if he could help him get to achoolhollissus anomonous. The man asked him to repeat what he said. The drunk said I'm going to alcoholiss anominisis. The man aske if he was going to join up and the drunk said NO IM GOING TO RESIGN AHAHAHA |
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Now here come some funny ones. What do you get when your holding to green balls in your hand?(and its not sponge balls!) Kurmit the frogs undivided attention. Whats green and smells like pork? Kurmit the frogs finger.(some one was playing with piggy.) |
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall ***!!! Michael |
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If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?..... . |
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Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits a windsheild? His a**! [quote] On 2005-06-16 09:09, joseph wrote: If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? ..... [/quote] These are great! I really like the multiple personality one. |
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How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini...... |
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What happened to the little indian that drank too much tea? He drowned in his TEA PEE (TEE PEE)!!!!! |
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney...... |
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I told my Girl Friend that I needed some Head & Shoulders. She said she has never given Shoulder before.... kOnO |
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| I was in a restaurant the other night when I tried to catch the waitress' eye -- but it rolled under somebody else' table! |
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Why don't chickens wear pants? cause their peckers are on their face! I am really sorry...I just found it kindof humorous... |
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I used to go out with a girl who had long shining black hair -- hanging down from her armpits. I remember the first time I kissed her. Her eyes said "Yes! Yes!" but there was no nose on her face. Her name was Virginia. I called her "Virgin" for short, but not for long. |
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I was watching the news just the other day when something came on that I just had to tell... THERE WAS A KID BORN WITHOUT HIS EYELIDS!!!!!!! It happened in Michigan. The kid was a boy and when he emerged from his mother it was noticed that he lacked eyelids!! So, it is a scientific fact that you cannot live without your eyelids, so when the doctors circumcised him, they just took the skin tissue from down below and used it to surgically install eyelids. After the surgery, the doctors made an anouncement: "The surgery was a complete success! The kid is a little COCK-EYED but other than that he should be just fine! BWAHAHAHAHA...okay...I have had enough... |
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My first job was proofreading at the M&M factory..... I used to make chocolate chip cookies, but I got tired of sweeping all the M&M shells off the floor...... |
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Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice..... |
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What did the Nanny Goat say to the Billy Goat? You can hug me and kiss me, but please don't kid me. |
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Why did the ram run off the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn! |
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| Bill, you got a million of em'! |
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| Bill Ligon Keep The Gnu Jokes Coming we need them. |
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| Never play leapfrog with a unicorn |
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| I think my wife has been cheating on me. Every time I come home the parrot yells "Quick! Out the window!" |
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A preacher once said to me, "Young man, do you entertain evil thoughts?" I replied, "No sir, as a matter of fact, they entertain me!" |
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A teacher says it's impossible to be swallowed by a whale littlergirl-"Jonah got swallowed by a whale" teacher-"No it's impossible" LG-" when I go to heaven I'll ask him" T-"He didn't go to heaven" LG-" Then you ask him" |
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| I just moved upstairs from a bank, and now my assets over 3 million dollars..... |
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| Most guys have to search for women, but the guitar player has his pick. |
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......She was ugly- She even worked at the local cookie factory. In fact she was so ugly they used to push her face in the dough to make the Gorilla Biscuits!!!............... |
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| She was the kind of woman men look at twice. They don't believe it the first time. |
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Q: "How many women can a man marry?" A: "Sixteen," add it up, the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." kOnO |
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| A termite walks into a saloon and asks, "Is your bar-tender here?" |
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| What happens if you get scared half to death twice? .... |
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A Horse walks into a Pub and the Barman says 'why the long face?' :huh: |
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| Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? ..... |
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." |
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| What do people in China call their good plates? ..... |
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| I'll Bite They Probally call their Good Plates America. |
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Funemagic, that's a terrible story to inflict on us poor innocent folks! I loved it! Here's one back at ya'. Here in Florida, at the Seaquarium, a researcher discovered that he could make porpoises immortal with an injection derived from mynah birds. The porpoises required these injections every day. One day the scientist discovered to his horror that he had no more mynah birds available from which to get the serum. Desperately he called a friend at Lion Country Safari to ask if he had any mynah birds, and to his relief his friend said that he had several. The problem was that he had no way to get them to the Seaquarium, so the researcher agreed to drive to Lion Country Safari. When the scientist arrived at Lion Country Safari, his friend told him that he would have to go out and catch the mynahs himself. This was no problem for the scientist, and his friend gave him a tranquilizer gun in case he had an encounter with a lion. At length the researcher captured a few mynah birds and was returning to his vehicle when he suddenly discovered a large male lion right in the path back to his car. Quickly he raised the tranquilizer gun and fired. After a tense moment, the lion dropped and lay dormant in the path. The scientist carefully and gingerly stepped over the sleeping beast and reached his car with the mynahs in hand. Driving back toward the Seaquarium, the scientist suddenly saw a flashing blue light behind him and realized that he was being stopped by a state trooper. He pulled onto the side of the road and stopped his car. The highway patrolman approached the researcher's car with his firearm drawn, ordered the scientist out of the vehicle, slammed him against the hood and handcuffed the poor man, telling him that he was under arrest. "Wha? What?" said the scientist, "I didn't do anything wrong! I know I wasn't speeding or anything." To which the state trooper told him, "I'm arresting you for TRANSPORTING A MYNAH ACROSS A SEDATE LION FOR IMMORTAL PORPOISES!" |
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What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? ...... |
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| You tell them to go to Blazes. |
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Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? ..... |
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>Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?< That one took me a minute. Will anyone mind if I scream? :) |
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[quote] On 2005-07-02 07:16, joseph wrote: What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? ...... [/quote] Germany |
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| How about telling the Person to go Afghanistan |
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[quote] On 2005-07-02 17:13, The Donster wrote: How about telling the Person to go Afghanistan [/quote] Well it might have been a nice place before... well you know, before someone messed it up. |
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Studies show that cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift...... Yes, and they also work skeleton crews..... |
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3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for? "I'm a !@#$%^&", "I !@#$% on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I !@#$%^& in the middle of my owners bed. So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer. The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question. "I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of my master's couch. So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab. The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there. "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away. The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped." A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pis*ses in his glass. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pis*sed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can play it!" |
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What do you say to a one-legged hitchhicker? Hop in! |
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| What do you call the one legged Hitch Hiker if she is a Female. Ilene |
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A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informs him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs and slurs, "Hey fella, I think your (hic) girl friend has gone home!" |
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| So I says to the girl with the wooden leg, "Peg..." |
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| How come my dog growls at me when I blow in his face, but when we go for a ride, he sticks his head out the window?.... |
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A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can I come in?" a male voice asks. "Who is it?" the woman asks. "It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door. The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great !#$%! Now where would you like the blinds?" |
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| What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company? .... |
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun. One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he said firmly. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. "OK," he said, and off she went again. Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop!" he said firmly, "Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more. Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable w**dy in one hand. "Oh, no," cried Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!" |
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| Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?" .... |
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A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious" |
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Boy 1: My father is a conductor..... Boy 2: Oh, he works on a train? Boy 1: No.... Boy 2: He is in an orchestra?... Boy 1: No, he was struck by lightning..... |
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There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their !#$ and head are interchangeable". |
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| You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? .... |
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| Beacuse it's to expensive. |
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top!" On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" "Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!" |
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| Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? ..... |
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What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? Tell him to marry my ex! |
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What do you call 4 bullfighters in quick sand? Quattro sinko....... |
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A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?" In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss." In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements." The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!" |
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| Do pilots take crash-courses? ..... |
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was bought and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3 wishes. "Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her tail and here it is. Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said "Well, how about a little head then?" |
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| I heard that crematoriums give discounts to burn victims..... |
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| A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your *$^*^* canoe!" |
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| I wonder if jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? ...... |
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my *****. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your ***** back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." |
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| I wonder if people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? ..... |
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Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete !@# of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," Bob said. "!@#$ on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." |
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| You know your a RedNeck if your Dad walks you to School because the two of you are in the same grade. |
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There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle. A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew. They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew. They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash". When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!" The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!" Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?" The cheif says, "NO, you idoit!"... even cannibals know that... "THINGS go better with Coke!" |
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| Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? .... |
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| There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?" |
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| Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? ..... |
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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short." |
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| What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?.... |
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A crewman on a ship ran up to the captain and said, "Sir there are pirates approaching on the right". The Captain replied, "Fetch me my red shirt". The crewman did, he put it on and led them all to victory. The next day, a crewman approacbed the captain and said, "Sir there are pirates approaching on the left". The Captain replied, "Fetch me my red shirt". The crewman did, he put it on and led them all to victory. That night, the crewmen asked the captain, "why do you insist on your red shirt when we go into battle?". The captain explained, "It's psychology. If any of you see me get hit in battle, you may lose confidence and give up. The red shirt would hide any blood and enable you all to keep your spirits up". The next day, one of the crewmen comes up to the captain and yelled, "Captain, we're surrounded by pirates on all sides!" The captain replied, "Fetch me my brown pants." |
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| Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? ...... |
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Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said, "You !@#$%^&, you're sitting on the mop bucket!" |
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| Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?...... |
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A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?". "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that !@#$ cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!" |
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| How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?..... |
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Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry. "!@#$%^! Now look what you've done! Now we have to !@#$ in the boat!" |
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| How do I set my laser printer on stun? .... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-12 20:46, joseph wrote: How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?..... [/quote] when it starts sounding good. |
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George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your !@# from drowning!" |
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| How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? .... |
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful! |
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| How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?.... |
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A.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! a.. What do you call male ballerinas? a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner? a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your !@#? a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie flys out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the dustbin. Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Cammilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always poking !@#$ at her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thoughts get that !@#$%^& dog out of the bin again"!!! |
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How do you get off a nonstop flight? ..... |
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!" |
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| How many Seconds in a Second ? |
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Q/ What do fish say when they bump into something under water? A/ (What do beavers build?) JM :jesterhat: :cyclops: |
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| How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?.... |
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Rude Parrot A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man". "Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you". "And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, (bleep), and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot. The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, (bleep), I can't wait all night!" Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid (bleep)," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!" Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy (BLEEP) for someone who can't fly, aren't you!" |
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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. |
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| Groan!!! |
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| If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? ... |
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Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest. The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?" She replys, " Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big H on her chest. Again, the doctor asks, " How did you get a big H on your chest?" The woman replys " My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large M. He says, " don't tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?" " NO" replys the patient " But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin" |
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If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? ..... |
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The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the (bleep)." |
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| How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?.... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-18 08:02, joseph wrote: How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?.... [/quote] It contains Maxwell's demon, of course! |
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"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?" "Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!" "I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron. "Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti. "Wow," says the customer, "can I try?" "Be my guest," the bartender replies. The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the (bleep) are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the (bleep) kind of stupid looking bird is that?" "That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob. The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!" A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!" |
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| How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? .... |
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The Rookie Cop... A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again... "I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!" |
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| If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" ..... |
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| A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. |
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| If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? .... |
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| That's really a good question. If he is running AT the speed of sound he should. |
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A married man was in quite a bit of a predicament. His wife Lorrain was a bit of a nag, so on the side he would be dating his secret girlfriend Claire Lee. One day Lorrain found out about this little affair and was quite furious. She demanded that he stopped seeing Claire at once. Lorraine left the house in a fury and drove her car off of a ledge where she was instantly killed. When the man found out about the news from the local police, he instantly got to thinking to himself when it finally hit him. In a sigh of relief, he said out loud... "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone". :cheers: Phil I know. That was awful. But come on! It is corny is it not? |
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A old man asked his very elderly wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size." |
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| If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock? .... |
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| I think it might be a Hocked-Ham. but I'll just leave it a Loin. |
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A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?" |
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| If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?..... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-19 07:46, joseph wrote: How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? .... [/quote] He drives a Volkswagen... didn't you see the commercial? |
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| Ok then, If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?... |
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Why do female parachutists wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down... |
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| If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? ... |
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An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!" |
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| If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?.... |
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"Old" is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could (bleep) possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? |
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| If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them? .... |
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| Nah, we'd probably eat them. |
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| If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums? .... |
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye-dear! (no idea...) What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs? Sill No eye-dear! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! |
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[quote] On 2005-07-22 16:13, KyletheGreat wrote: What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye-dear! (no idea...) What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs? Sill No eye-dear! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! [/quote] Moderators - please feel free to remove this if it crosses the line! What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals? Still no ****ing i-dear. |
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A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?" "Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for heaven's sake, clean up this room!" |
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| If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-22 20:23, joseph wrote: If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?... [/quote] Sadly, YES! |
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| If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? .... |
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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. "In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." |
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| If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? ...... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-22 17:56, Tony S wrote: [quote] On 2005-07-22 16:13, KyletheGreat wrote: What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye-dear! (no idea...) What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs? Sill No eye-dear! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! [/quote] Moderators - please feel free to remove this if it crosses the line! What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals? Still no ****ing i-dear. [/quote] HAHAHAHAHA |
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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!" |
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| If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? .... |
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[quote] On 2005-07-23 07:44, joseph wrote: If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? ...... [/quote] Some apes were smart enough to realize that leaving the trees was a bad idea. |
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On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. |
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[quote] On 2005-07-23 20:57, mandrake01 wrote: [quote] On 2005-07-23 07:44, joseph wrote: If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? ...... [/quote] Some apes were smart enough to realize that leaving the trees was a bad idea. [/quote] True; Man descends from apes; Apes descend from trees.... |
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Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." |
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| If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? ..... |
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... Ees "Ees, a Ham Bush |
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| If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do? ..... |
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At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night." The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future," The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced. Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. "Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!" |
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| Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?... |
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE! |
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| If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? .... |
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| There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. |
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| 98% of all statistics are meaningless..... |
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Then what are the other 2 percent??? Michael |
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| Physical health is important. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60 years old. today grandma is 92 and no one knows where the h--- grandma is |
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| If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? .... |
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" There are two friends at a bar late one night. One guy weighs about 350 pounds and holds a cat everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives sits the cat down for a second and steps on its tail with all his weight. The cat lets out a long wailing "MEEEEEOOWWW!", very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one oclock in the morning!!!" |
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| If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? ..... |
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Oh my gosh, this is too funny... How about this? 1. Dentist(on golf field about to putt): Open wide! 2. The dentist is on his way out with a golf bag on his shoulder when he gets a phone call. "Doctor I have a terrbile toothache, can I come to your office?" "No, I have to fill 18 cavities this afternoon." 3. What is better htan presence of mind when a martian points a ray gun at you? Absense of body 4. What is the difference between a cyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie and the other prowels on the hairy! 5. What do you get if you cross a comedian and a spiritualist? A happy medium 6. "These saftey matches won't light!" "you can't get much safer than that" |
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| If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? .... |
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Last Night I had a problem swallowing my Viagra pill, it got stuck in my throat. All day today I'v had a “Stiff Neck” kOnO |
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OXYMORONS Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation .... |
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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. |
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| If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?.... |
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| What Happens when a Politician takes Viagra. Nothing He just Gets Taller. |
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Alright here goes some more... 1. "May I join you?" "Why? Am I coming apart?" 2. Q: Why was the musician arrested? A: He got in treble. 3. Q: Why can't it rain for two nights in a row? A: There is a day in between 4. Q: One Sunday a camper went swimming in a river. When he wanted to come back on shore he couldn't. Why not? A: The banks are closed on Sundays. 5. Q: Why do squirrels spend time in campgrounds? A: They like to watch the nuts. 6. Did you here about the frog who parked his car illeagally? It got TOAD away. 7. Q: A motorist was driving down a country lane. His lights were not on, the moon was not out, and a sheep crossed the road. How did the driver see the sheep? A: It was a bright sunny day. 8. Q: What would you get if you crossed a 747 and a magician? A: A flying sorcerer. Enjoy! Matthias |
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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you cut the cheese yet?" "No....." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!" |
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| ??? Don't think I get that one. I'm sure it will sink in eventually. |
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Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?" "Denephew." A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me! Confused, the father asks what's wrong. Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really %#@&%, I'll have nothing left to live for! To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, No, but I know what you've been doing..." |
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| Consciousness: that annoying time between naps..... |
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| A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we don't do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we don't do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because that's a microwave, not a T.V. |
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| If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? ...... |
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What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Eveybody can roast beef. A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch! An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?" |
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| If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ..... |
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One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying. "Whats wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?" "Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!" |
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| If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? .... |
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| I used to be Big in Moving Pictures. and tables and chairs. |
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If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it? .... |
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What's red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator. Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue? A: We have to stick together. Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster? A: Hello, hello. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldoser. Q: When is a baseball player like a thief? A: When he steals a base. Q: What did the can say to the can opener? A: You make me flip my lid. Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups. Q: What do you find at the end of everything? A: The letter "g". Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe? A: He called a toe truck. Q: Why do two skunks argue? A: Because they like to kick up a stink. Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier? A: You can count on me. Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street? A: Put them in a barking lot. Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on? A: He wanted to be a cool cat. Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack and I'll plaster you. Q: Why is baseball like a cake? A: They both need batters. Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion? A: Take me to your weeder. Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins? A: Slippers! Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: I've got you covered! Q: How do you make antifreeze? A: You steal her blanket. Q: Why does a cow wear a bell? A: Because her horns don't work. There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator. standing next to him was a huge dude. The huge dude turned and said to the little dude .. " before you ask me any questions I'm just gonna tell you the answers to what people usaully ask me .. I'm 7'2" 375 lbs, 2lbs left nut, 2lbs right nut, 15" (delete), and my name is Turner Brown." Then little dude looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says " whats the matter? All I did was tell you that I'm 7'2" 375 lbs, 2lbs left nut, 2lbs right nut, 15" (delete) and my name is turner brown." and the little dude says " Oh! thank God! I thought you said turn around!" |
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| If you're in a car going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? ... |
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| This should be a sticky, lmao |
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Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer? Is a small pig called a hamlet? .... |
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God created the mule, and told him, " You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, " You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, " Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, " You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, " Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, " You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. |
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Is drilling for oil boring? Is duck tape made out of ducks? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? ..... |
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Where do park rangers go to get away from it all? Why do they call them briefs if you wear them all day long? Nothing brief about that. Can a mime suffocate in his own invisble box? How do they get those deer to cross at those little yellow signs? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might break in and actually clean them? |
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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!" |
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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- (Brooke Shields)..... |
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the (bleep) was that all about?" |
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| I was gonna overdose on aspirins last night, but after the first 2, I felt much better.... |
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What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand is quatro sinko. Al |
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "that's's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." |
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| Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply..... |
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A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?" |
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| Daffy-nition...... Shin: An item used to locate table corners in the dark.... |
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What do chain saws and monkeys have in common? They both (delete) up trees! |
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| When I play golf, I always bring extra pants, in case I get a HOLE in one..... |
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| Yo' mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned! |
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An expert is someone from out of town. Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined ..... |
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A psychologist is someone who tries to find out if infants have as much fun in infancy as adults have in adultery. A meteorologist is a man who can look into a girl's eyes and tell whether. |
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| Is the nose the scenter of the face?..... |
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Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results. Tough Mice Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am." I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar. The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this (bleep), I need to get home to (bleep) the cat." |
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| Why do they call it "toothpaste" if it does not glue your mouth shut? |
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Another definition for expert... An ex is a sort-of has been A spert or "spurt" is a drip of water under pressure... So an Expert is basically - a has been drip who's under a lot of pressure! Lyndel |
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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee. |
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| Why are they called "buildings" if they are done building them? Shouldn't they be called "builts"? |
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| Bumper sticker: Pardon my driving, I am reloading.... |
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What should you give a man who has everything? Penicillin |
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Say! did you hear the one about the broken pencil?..... Oh, Nevermind. It's pointless anyway........ |
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A family of moles, a mama, a papa, and a baby; lived in a mole hole, And one dy the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "Yum, I smell maple syrup". The mama sticks her head out and says "Yum I smell Honey" The baby tries to stick his head out but the big moles are in the way. "That's funny," He says, "All I can smell is MOLASSES" LOL, Matthias |
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Where do you start on red and stop on green?? When you are eating watermelon!! Michael |
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A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?".... |
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| Did you hear about the tap dancer who fell in the sink? |
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| Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?..... |
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die". "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed." On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?" "You're going to die," she replied. Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said... "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?" The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!" |
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Two antennas fall in love, They decide to get married, The ceremony wasn't good, But the reception was excellent. |
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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?" An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?" |
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[quote] On 2004-10-09 07:48, Scruffy the Clown wrote: Did you hear about the guy who apoted a legless Dog? He couldn't decide on a name so he called him cigarette because at least twice a day he had to take him out for a drag.... Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa... What the difference between Broccoli and Boogers? Kids won't eat broccoli.... Why do husbands generally die before their wives do? Because they WANT to. [/quote] The Broccoli and Boogers joke is the funniest. I couldn't stop laughing for a full 5 minutes. |
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Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. |
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| What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders? .... |
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Paul Daniel's corny joke which sticks in my mind from childhood:- "This is a Hindu Shuffle, does anybody know what's a Hindu? Lay eggs." |
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done. Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? Wanted to lay it on the line. |
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| When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?.... |
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| If Uri Gellar had a continent named after him - would the countries that made up that continent be considered "Uri-nations" |
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| For Joseph's Question I'll Guess Limburger. |
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| Whatever happened to preparations A through G? .... |
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| Maybe they all gave them to H. |
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A drunk guy leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and slurred, " (hic) Haven't I sheen you shumwhere before? (hic)" "Yes," she replied in a LOUD voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic!!!!!" They say that if you drop a cat it will always land on it's feet. They also say that if you drop toast, it will always land butter side down. What happens if you staple some toast to a cat butterside up? (Gazzo) The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?" |
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ..... |
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WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law. |
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| When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? .... |
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This reminds me of a similar stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall in my undergrad days. The food service used opaque plastic salt and pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife blade if you were persistent enough. PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby): (1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with concentrated lemon juice. (2) Place a thin tissue across the opening, poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with about a teaspoon of baking soda. (3) Cover (from the inside) the holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color. (4) Replace top on container and trim visible tissue from around the top. Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is possible... for your own sake). After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near to you... see caveat #1 below), observe the next person to use the salt (pepper). (S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as nothing comes out. Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off (quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam. Your victim (as will as everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker! CAVEATS: 1. The top will come off with some force. If the holes are sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake. Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the "foamy stuff coming out" of the holes... we quickly grabbed the shaker from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off. So, watch carefully! 2. The "foam shower" (lemon juice & soda) may ruin you victim meal... be prepared to pop for another one. 3. Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like). An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides". |
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| When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? .... |
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A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his (bleep) in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm (bleeping) nuts, I'm never getting out of here!" |
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| SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. ..... |
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Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." |
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[quote] On 2005-08-08 19:47, joseph wrote: When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? .... [/quote] How can something be new and improved? If it's really new there hasn't been any time to improve it. If it's been improved it can't be new. |
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| Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!" ..... |
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up." |
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A woman goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that she is there about her husband. "You see," she said, "he thinks he is a refrigerator." The psychiatrist replied, "That doesn't seem like a dangerous delusion. Why don't we wait a bit and see if the condition cures itself." "No, no," the woman cried. "You don't understand. He sleeps with his mouth open and I can't fall asleep because of that little light." --------------- A man went to see a psychiatrist and said to him, "Doctor, my wife made me come to see you just because I like pancakes." The doctor replied, "I don't see anything wrong with that. I happen to like pancakes, myself." "Oh, you do?" the man said with a happy smile, "you must come over some time. I have a whole garage full!" Three men arrived at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked the first man what had happened to him to bring him to the Pearly Gates. He said, "St. Peter, I feel awful. I was a very jealous man, and I arrived at my apartment after work convinced my wife was cheating on me. I lived on the fifth floor, and I looked out the window and saw a man just leaving the building. I thought that that was the man who was seeing my wife, so I pushed the refrigerator out the window and killed the poor fellow. I felt so bad that I killed myself." St. Peter turned to the second man and asked his story. "Well, St. Peter," he replied, "I was a doctor. I went to see a patient in an apartment building, and as I was leaving, a refrigerator fell on me and killed me." When St. Peter asked the third man, he said, "Geez, I dunno. I was minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator..." -------------- As people were lined up at the gates of Heaven, wating to be interviewed by St. Peter, a guy in a white coat walked up and down the line of people and stopped every once in a while to listen to someone's chest with a stethoscope. Someone in the line asked, "Who is that? What's he doing?" Someone else in the line said, "Shhhh! That's God playing doctor!" |
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Young: The Grateful Dead old: Dr. Kevorkian young: Getting out to a new, hip joint old: Getting a new hip joint young: Moving to California because it's cool old: Moving to California because it's warm .... |
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A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him? she asks. "No I didn't -- it's three in the morning" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?" "Yes", comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing" the man replies. |
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Real Estate Terms Sophisticated City Living - next to a noisy bar. Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning. Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning. Close to Lakes - Impossible to park on street from April to October. Picturesque setting - Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds on neighbors lots. Wide Open Floor Plan - previous owner removed supporting walls. Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows. Security System - neighbor has dog. Needs TLC - major structural damage. Motivated Seller - been on market for 14 years. Convenient - next to freeway onramp. .... |
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Daffydoug, I really did laugh out loud when I got to the punchline of "Push." Joseph, I can't imagine anyone eating a raw oyster for the first time. He must have been absolutely starving (or nuts). Mostly for the kids (but I like it, too): "What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?" "A noisy noise annoys an oyster." (Say it out loud.) I'm originally from New Orleans, where some people pronounce "oysters" as "ersters," as in "Ersters will sperl if you berl them in erl." |
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[quote] On 2005-08-10 12:30, Bill Ligon wrote: Daffydoug, I really did laugh out loud when I got to the punchline of "Push." [/quote] Yup!! It's pretty durned funny! A drunk in a bar heaves all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “%&$#%,” he says. “I heaved on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone heaved on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who heaved on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too!” It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Crap!!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. |
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Science and Medicine statements........ "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. ...... |
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Joseph, how very true! "The results seem to indicate..." -- I'm just guessing at this point. "It is obvious that..." -- I'm too lazy to do the math. |
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Things you do not want to hear during surgery: "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie." "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" "Darn, there go the lights again...." "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em." "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!" "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration." "What's this doing here?" "That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?" ..... |
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Or how about this one: "Oops!!" While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?" Bernie: "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple." Bernie: "Its true!".. "Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do." "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????" Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!" |
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English 101 at a certain university was one of those large, ampitheater courses designed to weed out freshman sudents. The class was famous for flunking about half the students who took the mandatory course. At the final exam, the teacher told the students that the exam was worth fifty percent of the final grade, that they were given two hours and no more to complete the exam, and the time limit was very strict. Anyone who attempted to squeeze out another minute or two after time was called would be immediately failed. About half an hour after the exam began a student arrived, obviously late, and approached the teacher. The teacher told him that he did not have enough time to finish the exam, but the student insisted that he could finish it in time. The student took the exam to his desk and began writing. When time was called, all the students, except the late arrival stopped. The late arrival continued to write even though the teacher told him to stop several times. Finally the student approached the teacher's desk, exam in hand. The teacher,of course, refused to accept the exam from the student. The student, in a loud voice said, "Professor, do you know who I am?" The teacher replied, "I don't care who you are! I will not accept your exam." The student said again to the teacher more loudly than before, "Do you know who I am?" The teacher said, "No, I have no idea who you are!" At this point, the student picked up the stack of exams from the professor's desk, stuffed his somewhere in the middle of the stack, and just before walking out said, "Well, that's good!" |
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If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!" |
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[quote] On 2005-08-11 21:44, daffydoug wrote: Or how about this one: "Oops!!" [/quote] I hate hearing that in the Tattoo Parlor.... |
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A cowboy walked into a bar and sat down next to an attractive young woman. He struck up a conversation and eventually tried to pick her up. The young lady said to him, "Look, you're a nice guy, but I am a lesbian. I like girls. I like tall girls, short girls, chubby girls, skinny girls. I just like girls." Needless to say, this put a damper on his spirits, and a little later, after the young lady left, the bartender spotted him sitting alone and looking sad. The bartender walked over to him and asked, "What's the matter, feller, why are you looking so sad?" The cowboy looked up at him and said, "Geez, all this time I thought I was a cowboy, and now I find out I'm a lesbian!" Daffydoug, whenever four ministers get together, there's always a fifth! (With apologies to Euangelion and Photius!) |
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Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze! Michael |
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A minister was preaching about the evils of getting angry and cursing. He said, "You'll notice that while I have been talking, a fly has landed on my nose. Now, you see, I don't get angry, I don't curse, I just say, Go away, little fly, go aw...*&%$#@@@#$*&^, It's a BEE! ---------------------- Two old ladies were sitting church listening to the sermon. The minister began preaching against drinking, and the little old ladies nodded in agreement. The minister began preaching against cursing, and the little old ladies nodded in agreement, one even saying quietly, "amen." The minister began preaching against dipping snuff, and one of the little old ladies turned to the other and said, "Now he's stopped preachin' and started meddlin'." |
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Heard of the organization "DAM"?.. (Mothers against Dyslexia).... |
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| The meeting of the Procrastinators Club has been postponed (again). |
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| Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? ..... |
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A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist." |
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| I suppose the guy who was crying was the proctologist. |
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[quote] On 2005-08-12 20:56, daffydoug wrote: "I'm a gynecologist." [/quote] By the way, a sign on the obgyn office door: "Dr. Smith at your cervix." ... |
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An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. "Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench." He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard. The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?" "What?" She yells back. "A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams. "What?" "MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?" "Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!" |
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| Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? ... |
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" |
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| Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" .... |
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Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't. Teacher: Did he hurt you? Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger. |
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| Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone? .... |
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What's the difference between a kangaroo, a lumberjack and a bag of peanuts? A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews. Why was the monster standing on his head? He was turning things over in his mind. What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands. George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!" 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. |
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| Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?... |
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[quote] On 2005-08-13 19:04, daffydoug wrote: What's the difference between a kangaroo, a lumberjack and a bag of peanuts? A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews. [/quote] OK, I'll bite. What about the bag of peanuts? |
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| Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?..... |
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Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new Mexican President? What do you get if you cross a flea with a rabbit? A bug's bunny. How can you tell when it's rabbit pie for dinner? It has hares in it. |
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| Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?.... |
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I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet." "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said. "How?" "Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.' 'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 " "What happened?" asked the father. "Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson." "No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!" |
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| Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi? .... |
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Why do men take showers instead of baths? Peeing in the bath is disgusting! |
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Church bloopers: -The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon. -This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.... |
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Doctor, I keep stealing things. What can I do? Try to resist the temptation, but if you can't, get me a new television. |
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| Why on earth didn't Noah swat those two dang mosquitoes? .... |
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Noah took onto the ark animals in pairs, but he was afraid that the couples would "get together" and make little ones. So, he hired the monkey to break up potential situations and even gave the monkey a stick for this purpose. The monkey was very effective in breaking things up, and he had a big time doing this. Finally, when the waters receeded, the animals were leaving the ark two-by-two down the gangplank. The cats got to the gangplank and were followed by a long line of kittens. The monkey scratched his head and said to the cats, "How in the world did you manage to have all those kittens?" The tomcat laughed and said, "Ha! you thought we were fighting, didn't you?" Posted: Aug 16, 2005 11:08pm An old one, but maybe some haven't heard it: All the animals went onto the ark in pairs, except the worms. They went in an apple. |
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More church quotes: The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. -Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. -Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. .... |
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A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?" Morris responds, "They'll find us!!" |
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| IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be .... |
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What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device. What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? "You always take me for grunted!" How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts "Rover"! Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash. |
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| Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job? ... |
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Business News: The Kraft Company has just announced that it will be moving its entire operation to Israel. The company spokesman also indicated that the company will change its name to "Cheeses of Nazareth." Posted: Aug 17, 2005 10:16pm An elderly couple was watching a TV preacher. The preacher began to talk about spiritual healing and said, "Now, I want you to put one hand on the TV set and the other on the part of your body that ails you, and the when we pray, the Good Lord will HEAL YOU!" The old lady got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Her husband got up and put one hand on the TV and the other on his privates. The old lady scowled at him and said, "Paw, the preacher said he would heal the sick, not raise the dead!" |
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| Did I ever show you where I backed into the buzz saw?... |
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A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor. They could not get the draw bridges down for a week! |
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Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my *** money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my *** money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...get lost.......& that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.... |
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A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..." Two yankees are driving through Texas, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolled down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick. The driver finally comes to and asks, "What the heck was that for!?" The Trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says,"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he is clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also. After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Shoot, man!! What did you do that for?" The cop answers, "Just making your wish come true." Still incredulous, the passenger says, "Huh?" The Trooper says, "I know how you yankees are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that redneck would've tried that stuff with me!'" A REALLY drunk man walks out of a bar and a passing nun gives him a dirty look. The drunk grabbed the nun and drop kicked her across the street. Staggering away he was heard to say "Not so tough without your mask, are ya batman." Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:46am Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!" Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:46am FROM SANTA "I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. (Note: Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.) 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy. Help ain't what it used to be. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It." Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:48am Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" I love this one...not as good as the "give me a push" joke though.... A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on this tiptoes trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell. After watching the boys efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!" Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:50am This is why I love dogs... IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn ..... When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:51am As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral." Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:52am A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?" Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:10am What did the lady mushroom say to the gentleman mushroom?? Your a fungi....sorry.... Did you hear how my canary died? He got CHIRPIES, an UNTWEETABLE CANARIAL DISEASE. Why don’t frogs like mud? It makes them UNHOPPY! How do you get them out? Call the HOPERATOR, ask for the number of a good TOAD TRUCK! Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:33am Q: Why does a pilgram’s pants always fall down? A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat. Q: Why do eskimos was their clothes in tide? A: ‘cause it’s to cold out tide. Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? A: Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:35am A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" One day, a cop, a firefighter, and a lawyer all died at the same time. They went up to the pearly gates of heaven and St. Peter stopped them saying, "Welcome to heaven. Before I let you pass, you each have to answer a question." He looked at the cop, and said, "Joe, in 1914 a really big ship sank in the North Atlantic...can you name it for me? I’ll give you a hint: they just made a really HUGE movie about it, and it had that DiCaprio kid in it." Joe the cop thought hard for a minute then triumphantly said, "It was the Titanic!" "Very good," said St. Peter, "Welcome to heaven!" He then turned to the firefighter and said, "Sam, can you tell me how many people died on the ship Joe just said? Just a rough number?" Sam spoke up immediately, "About 1500, sir!" "Well done!" said the saint, "welcome to heaven!" Finally, he turned to the third man. "You were a lawyer, right Tom?" "Yes, sir, I was," Tom answered. "Alright...1500 people died on the Titanic. Tell me their names." OK, ok, I quit...for now..... |
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[quote] On 2005-08-18 10:51, WhiteAngel wrote: As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral." [/quote] That one is hilarious! Posted: Aug 18, 2005 5:39pm What is a vampire's favourite food ? Neck-tarines ! What is a vampire's favourite soup ? Scream of mushroom ! How do undertakers speak? Gravely Do undertakers enjoy their job? Of corpse they do. Posted: Aug 19, 2005 6:43am This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!" |
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As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home..... |
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One of the jokes that WhiteAngel posted reminded me of this one: On the day that Mother Teresa passed away, so did a famous criminal attorney. They were both greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter who said "Welcome to Heaven! Let me show you to your rooms". They were first escorted to what appeared to be a roomy penthouse suite. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said "This is where you will be staying." "Wow!" thought Mother Teresa "With all my good deeds, I can hardly imagine what my place will be like!" Then St. Peter took her to a small plain cell which already had 4 other women sitting upon bunk beds. "Mother Teresa, I would like you to meet your roommates" "I don't understand!' she cried, crestfallen "Why does he get a such a large place all to himself and we have to share these cramped quarters?" "Give me a break!" he replied "We got plenty of us Saints up here, but Lawyers?" |
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A man arrived at the gates of Heaven and was greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter asked him why he thought he should be allowed past the Pearly Gates. "Now, hold on just a minute here" the fellow shouted at the saint. "How do I know this is really heaven? How do I know that all this isn't some figment of my imagination as I lie dying? How do I know if any of this is real and not some hallucination?" A voice came from inside the gates. "Let him in. He's one of us!" |
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What's brown and furry on the inside and clear on the outside? King Kong in plastic wrap. What do you get if you cross King Kong with a frog? A gorilla that catches airplanes with its tongue! Posted: Aug 19, 2005 7:44pm God tells the world that within 3 days He is going to flood it, again. The Pope blesses the people and tells them to pray for strength and that Gods judgement would be averted. Billy Graham tells the people to pray for the same thing. Hindu's are encouraged to meditate day and night. Jewish leaders issue an emergency memo to all temples that reads as follows: 'We have 3 days to learn to live underwater.' |
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As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old son was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, he said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of his fingers. Trying to keep him entertained, I reached out and stuck his tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my son was standing on the bed staring at his fingers with a devastated look on his face. I said, "What's wrong, buddy?" He replied, "What happened to my booger?" |
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One morning two elderly ladies were having lunch together in a restaurant. One of them looked up and said, "Martha, you have a suppository in your ear!" Martha answered, "A suppository? In my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it a moment. Then she said, "Oh, thank you, Eleanor, now I know what happened to my hearing aid!" |
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[quote] On 2005-08-19 21:55, Marley wrote: As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old son was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, he said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of his fingers. Trying to keep him entertained, I reached out and stuck his tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my son was standing on the bed staring at his fingers with a devastated look on his face. I said, "What's wrong, buddy?" He replied, "What happened to my booger?" [/quote] That's hilarious!! Posted: Aug 20, 2005 8:21am Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." |
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Chick: "Am I a people, Mama?" Hen: "No, Honey, you're a chicken." Chick: "Where do chickens come from, Mama?" Hen: "Chickens come from eggs." Chick: "Where do eggs come from, Mama?" Hen: "Eggs are laid, Sugar." Chick: Are people laid, Mama?" Hen: "Not all of them, Sweety, some are chicken." |
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The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction. |
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| Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? ... |
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A man at work one day notices a co-worker, normally a very conservative kind of guy, wearing an earring. Curiousity piqued, he walks up to the co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent a few moments, but his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck." Posted: Aug 21, 2005 11:50am A nun walking down the street sudeenly collapses on the sidewalk. A man nearby rushes over to help her, and takes her into he only business open at the time, which happens to be a bar. When the nun revives, the gentleman apologizes to her for bringing her into the bar, and she answers, "Oh, that's all right, I understand. It was awfully hot outside." The man then suggests that she drink something alcoholic, since they are in the bar, to stimulate herself and make her feel better. "Oh, yes, that's a good idea," she replies and looks up at the sign above the bar. "I'll take one of those 'martin-eyes'," she says. So as not to embarrass the nun over her pronunciation of "martini," the gentleman says to to the bartender, "Bring me two martin-eyes, please." The bartender says, "Oh, no! Is that dang nun in here again?" |
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FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big's my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. |
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Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal? ... Why do they make scented toilet paper? .. |
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| Back in the '50s someone came out with chlorophyll toilet paper (Really!). The only reason I could imagine is that, similarly to a then current mouthwash advertisement, it made your *** "kissing sweet." |
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This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair." |
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. .... |
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If your wife is yelling at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course -- at least when he gets inside, he'll shut up. |
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What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra...... |
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What did the egg say to the boiling water? "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!" |
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| Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?.... |
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| What Do you get if you put your Canary in a Blender. you get Shredded Tweet. |
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What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. |
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IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car. .... |
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An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. "Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder." A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?" "Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....." |
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| Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? .... |
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Three animals were having a drink in a Café, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent. |
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste..... |
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What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter. What do you give a seasick yeti? Plenty of room! |
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| Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? ..... |
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I knew a man that had the whole left side of his body amputated. He's all right now. Man tells a psychiatrist, "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee..." Psychiatrist says, "Man, you're too tents." |
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Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? Because they all have phones. |
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[quote] On 2005-08-24 09:23, joseph wrote: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste..... [/quote] *GROAN* That last one cracked me up! :lol: Posted: Aug 25, 2005 12:06am Knock Knock, Who's There? Madam. Madam who? Open up ma dam foot's caught in the door! |
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Drive carefully. 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident! A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done. "Not at all," said the blind man. "I only wanted to find out which end to kick!" Posted: Aug 25, 2005 12:41am Ob had just missed a shot at goal, which meant the other team won. "I could kick myself," he groaned, as the players came off the pitch. "Don't bother," said the captain, '' you'd miss." There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet." There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet." A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut! There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge Café and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!" |
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Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.... |
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| I once had a woman with a little dog on a leash come up to me to ask a question. The dog lifted its hind leg and aimed at my foot. I quickly moved away from the dog, and the lady said, "Oh, don't worry, he won't bite." I said, "Oh, no, Ma'am, I was afraid he was about to kick me." |
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Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. ... |
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| While staying at a motel, I asked a friend if he wanted to go swimming. He said, "Oh, no thanks. The motel won't let me in the pool." I was surprised at his answer and asked him why they wouldn't allow him in the pool. He replied, "Well, they kicked me out for peeing in the water." I said, "Aw, everybody does that." He answered, "Yeah, from the high board?" |
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| Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo? .... |
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A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog. He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head. The druggist says "May I help you?" The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around." |
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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home from work, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed; the married man comes home from work, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator. |
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| I bought the Memory Book by Harry Lorayne. I was going to read it, but I forgot where I put it.... |
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." Posted: Aug 26, 2005 7:11am Little monster: Daddy, daddy, you've got carrots sprouting out of your ears. Big monster: That's funny, I planted radishes |
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| Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.... |
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[quote] On 2005-08-24 09:23, joseph wrote: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste..... [/quote] Haha, I'll have to use that one in my medical classes. |
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A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" Posted: Aug 26, 2005 7:16pm Bill, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a seeing-eye dog by a long leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bill struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?" "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack!" |
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| Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated? .... |
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Question: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Answer: Two Mennonite! |
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| Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?.... |
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There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?" |
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| Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? ... |
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Returning from Las Vegas, I was sitting in the lobby of the airport when the airline announced that the flight was full, and asked for volunteers to give up their seats. The airline offered the volunteers a $100 voucher for their next flight and a first-class seat on a later flight. About eight people ran to the counter to take advantage of the offer. Shortly afterward, all eight of the people returned to their seats in the lobby, all with scowls on their faces. The lady behind the ticket counter said, " Is there anyone else who would like to volunteer other than the flight crew?" |
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| Why do you feet smell and your nose runs? .... |
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What's black and white and comes in little cans? Michael Jackson |
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| Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? .... |
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[quote] On 2005-08-28 07:32, joseph wrote: Why do you feet smell and your nose runs? .... [/quote] You're upside-down! |
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| Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries?... |
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| Joseph, philosophers have been pondering those weighty questions since the Renaissance. Keep 'em coming! |
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Two starving hobos are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. They spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. The first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. After the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. Eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. The second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "Now THIS is what I've been waiting for! A hot meal!" Posted: Aug 28, 2005 10:48pm A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small (delete). After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when ! The boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father." |
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[quote] On 2005-08-28 21:05, Bill Ligon wrote: Joseph, philosophers have been pondering those weighty questions since the Renaissance. Keep 'em coming! [/quote] OK Bill, then: Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?.... |
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Why did the wizard jump off the top of the Empire State Building? He wanted to make a hit on Broadway. Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of! Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:16am What's a accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map |
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Two Pigs go to a Party - after half an hour they come home - they got BORED! Two Brooms in a cupboard - can't get married - they've never swept (slept) together. Did you hear about the Queer Magician - He dissapeared with a Puff! Then there was the feminist Prostitute, she insisted on paying half! 3 Asians were found dead in Michael Barrymores swimming pool, police have confirmed that they were Suicide Bummers. Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:28am Here's Another 30 One Liners all of which I ahve used in my stand up act at some time or another when it seemed appropriate........ 01) Heard about the Gay magician? (pause) He disappeared with a puff! 02) Two brooms in a cupboard (pause) they can’t get married (pause) they’ve not swept together! 03) Two pigs go to a party (pause) they come home after half an hour (pause) they got bored! (bored sounds like the term meaning pigs have had sex) 04) A quick joke for all the Paranoid people in the audience (pause) he’s behind you! 05) I’m going to say something now that’s really going to shock you all (pause) Boo! 06) A quick joke for all the Psychics in the audience (pause and put hand to head as if telepathically sending the joke, then after a few seconds when no-one laughs say) Oh so you’ve heard it before then? 07) Quick impression now of an Irish magician! (at this point hold out both hands with fists clenched and whilst keeping one still, move the other hand up and down then say) Which hand is the Frog in? 08) I can do a trick that Paul Daniel’s can’t! (pause) I’ve got hair! (As you say, “I’ve got hair” pull on your hair to visually emphasise the gag). 09) American Illusionist David Copperfield once walked through the Great Wall of China (pause) which is a big coincidence really, because the other night I got ****ed and walked into the wall at my local Chinese! 10) If the early bird catches the worm (pause) then why doesn’t the worm have a lie in? 11) If 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas (pause) does that mean the other two prefer shaving? 12) Why is there only one Monopoly’s commission? 13) Where do you complain about the complaints department? 14) I played Poker once with a deck of Tarot Cards (pause) I got a full house and three people died! 15) I don’t do a lot of live shows (pause) I do a lot of auditions (pause) in fact I’ve done so many auditions I thought my name was next! 16) I did a show once and the audience consisted of ten thousand midgets (pause) I got a standing ovation and I didn’t know a *** thing about it! 17) Did you know that all midgets are excellent cooks? (pause) Oh yes they are (pause) that’s why there are so many Little Chefs around! 18) I backed a horse once at 10 to 1 (pause) it came in at 20 to 4! (Pause) in fact it was so late back it had to sneak into the stables! 19) I was in Ireland once visiting family and I saw my Uncle Paddy walking down the road with the front door under his arm! (pause) I said to him “what you doing with the front door under your arm?” (Pause) to which he said “I’m going to get a key cut” (pause) “But don’t worry you’ll still be able to get in the house because I’ve left the window open for you!” 20) Why do Gay men have Moustaches? (pause) To hide the stretch marks! 21) Why do Italian Men have Moustaches? (pause) So that they can look like their mothers! 22) What’s the difference between an Oooo! And an Aarrgh? (pause) About an inch and a half! 23) How do you fit a 100 Asylum Seeker’s (or Refugees) into a telephone box? (pause) Tell them they own it! 24) Why did God put men on this earth? (pause) Because Vibrators can’t mow the lawn! (Women love this one!) 25) I’m not religious (pause) Thank God I’m an Atheist! 26) In the bible it says Jesus had a bum made of elastic! (Pause) its true (pause) it says he tied his Ass to a tree and walked ten miles. 27) In the bible it also says that Moses was in fact constipated! (Pause) its true (pause) it says he took ten tablets (pause) went high into the mountains (pause) and so it came to pass! 28) I went on a Cannibalistic Holiday once! (pause) It was self-catering (pause) it cost me an arm and a leg! 29) Coco the clown stopped to give me a lift the other day (pause) he said he was on his way to the garage (pause) when I asked him why, he said he couldn’t get his doors to fall off! 30) Did you hear about the Clairvoyant Contortionist? (pause) She saw her own end! Enjoy! |
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[quote] Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? [/quote] Which reminds me, what does "GHOTI" spell? It spells "fish." GH as in "rough," o as in "women," TI as in "nation." Posted: Aug 29, 2005 3:31pm A girl asked me the other day if I smoke after sex. I answered, "I don't know. I've never looked to see." |
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Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! .... |
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Did you hear about Tempura House? It's a shelter for lightly battered women |
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| Why do they report power outages on TV? ... |
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| Do you know the difference between roast chicken and a long, lingering kiss?" a boss asked his secretary one day. "No. I don't," she said. "Great!" said the boss. "Let's have chicken for lunch." |
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| Asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"... |
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Man walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly." |
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| Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? ... |
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| If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared why is there a song about him |
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If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love? The Swallow. Posted: Aug 30, 2005 11:10pm Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter. Posted: Aug 31, 2005 6:45am A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal." Posted: Aug 31, 2005 6:20pm An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least use your privvy?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" |
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? ... |
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The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?" What's a vampire's favorite love song? How Can I Ignore the Girl Necks Door. Two policemen in New York were watching King Kong climb up the Empire State Building. One said to the other, "What do you think he's doing?" "It's obvious," replied his colleague. "He wants to catch a plane." What did the zombie's friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend? Good grief! Where did you dig her up from? What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself! it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo. billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button? billi-jo: sure billy-bob! : ...now its 11:00 at the police station... billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button? billi-jo: sure billy-bob! : ...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!! billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button? billi-jo: sure billy-bob! : wait?! billy-bob that's not my belly-button. billy-bob: I know...: and that's not my finger!! |
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| My mother-in-law has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.... |
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What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame? Virgin on the ridiculous. Posted: Sep 2, 2005 6:51am THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL ALL MEN ARE WAITING FOR Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00 Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless For everthing else.... There's MasterCard |
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Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?... |
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There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down. And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?" |
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I was thinking, if sour cream has an expiration date. What happens to sour cream after it passes it's expiration date? Al |
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[quote] On 2005-09-02 21:06, juggleral wrote: I was thinking, if sour cream has an expiration date. What happens to sour cream after it passes it's expiration date? Al [/quote] They try to sell it on Ebay.... |
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Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair all down her back. Harry: Pity it's not on her head! |
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| Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?" ... |
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You just might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home! Posted: Sep 4, 2005 7:41am Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Darling, of course I do. How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six |
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| Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? .... |
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Why do bald-headed men never use keys? Because they've lost their locks. Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?" |
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| Why is a boxing ring square? ... |
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What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. |
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Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? ... |
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your ***** in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of , uh, shall I say lungs?. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these two ******* of mine." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" |
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| A man decides to take his mental patients to the baseball game. He spends a week teaching them to stand, sit, and clap, by saying up nuts, down nuts, and clap nuts!...well anyway, they get to the game, and sure enough, here comes along the man yelling "peanuts"! |
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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful ****** that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you!" |
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Why is clear considered a color? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? ... |
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Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway! |
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| Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?.. |
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Paddy was driving home from a night at the pub, and weaving all over the road. Of course a cop pulled him over: Cop - " Ok buddy, where have you been?" Paddy - "Oh, I've been at the pub, of course." Cop - "You've had a few to drink, haven't you?" Paddy - "More than a few officer!" Cop - "Well, I pulled you over because, a couple of intersections back, your wife fell from the car." Paddy - "Thank God, for a while I thought I had gone deaf!" |
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Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' this, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" Posted: Sep 6, 2005 12:21am Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school. Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow." "Why not?" asks Joey. "I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully. "That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?" Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision." Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!" Posted: Sep 6, 2005 6:41am Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week." Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?" |
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Why is it that bullets ricochet off Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? ... |
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A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened." "I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?" The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her." "What about your friend?" asked the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’" Posted: Sep 7, 2005 6:45am Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors. Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist. Posted: Sep 7, 2005 4:48pm Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob. "Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here!" |
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| My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.... |
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| If ants are such busy insects, how come they find the time to turn up at all the picnics? |
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!...... |
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Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, "Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies, "No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask you a personal question....are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continues like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him. It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny...you don't look Jewish at all!" |
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.... |
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How about the Egyptian girl that was laid in a tomb. Now, she's a mummy! |
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A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home." A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm (hic) drunk." Posted: Sep 9, 2005 9:59pm What happens when a lawyer takes viagra? He gets taller!! |
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Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles? ... |
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee. |
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Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? ... |
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There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!" Daff is on a roll! |
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A similar story to one told by DaffyDoug: I had an overweight friend who was so concerned about his not inconsiderable obesity that he went to his doctor about the problem. His doctor put him on a very strict regimen of diet and medications, and very soon he lost a great deal of weight. The only problem was that his skin failed to shrink along with his loss of body mass, and it hung in folds all over his body. He complained about this to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Oh, that's nothing to worry about! We'll just pull all the loose skin over your head, tie a knot in it, and if you keep your hat on, no one will know the difference." When I next saw my friend, he was very thin and his weight loss was obvious. I told him that he looked terrific, but I was curious about one thing. I asked him what was that little round depression on his forehead. He replied, "Oh, that's my navel." I said to him, "Your navel! Gee, that really is strange." He then said to me, "If you think that's strange, look what's under my tie!" Well, I guess it's really the same story. Ya pays yer money an' ya takes yer choice. Posted: Sep 11, 2005 1:27am Gee, Daff, you've been on a roll for quite a while, now! (I'm only on an English muffin, myself.) |
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? .... |
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[quote] On 2005-09-11 01:23, Bill Ligon wrote: A similar story to one told by DaffyDoug: I had an overweight friend who was so concerned about his not inconsiderable obesity that he went to his doctor about the problem. His doctor put him on a very strict regimen of diet and medications, and very soon he lost a great deal of weight. The only problem was that his skin failed to shrink along with his loss of body mass, and it hung in folds all over his body. He complained about this to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Oh, that's nothing to worry about! We'll just pull all the loose skin over your head, tie a knot in it, and if you keep your hat on, no one will know the difference." When I next saw my friend, he was very thin and his weight loss was obvious. I told him that he looked terrific, but I was curious about one thing. I asked him what was that little round depression on his forehead. He replied, "Oh, that's my navel." I said to him, "Your navel! Gee, that really is strange." He then said to me, "If you think that's strange, look what's under my tie!" Well, I guess it's really the same story. Ya pays yer money an' ya takes yer choice. [/quote] That's hilarious!! Posted: Sep 11, 2005 8:43pm A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." Posted: Sep 12, 2005 6:02pm A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes!" |
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? ... |
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| Two magicians were about to enter the dealers' room at a magicians' convention, when a funeral passed by. One of the magicians removed his hat and stood respectfully as the funeral procession proceeded down the street. "That's amazing!" said the other, "I have never seen someone with such respect for the dead." "It's the least I could do," commented the first magician. "We were married for over 45 years!" |
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[quote] On 2005-09-12 21:22, Bill Ligon wrote: Two magicians were about to enter the dealers' room at a magicians' convention, when a funeral passed by. One of the magicians removed his hat and stood respectfully as the funeral procession proceeded down the street. "That's amazing!" said the other, "I have never seen someone with such respect for the dead." "It's the least I could do," commented the first magician. "We were married for over 45 years!" [/quote] I laughed out loud. |
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The wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.... |
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Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Darling, of course I do. "In some countries," said the geography teacher, "men are allowed more than one wife. That's called polygamy. In others, women are allowed more than one husband. That's called polyandry. In this country, men and women are allowed only one married partner. Can anyone tell me what that's called?" "Monotony, sir!" |
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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." ... |
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Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease, and I don't think it was a coincidence. Al |
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?... |
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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of ******. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her ****** are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those *******." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's *******." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars." (See word of the day, below.) |
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How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs... |
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[quote] On 2005-08-18 11:35, WhiteAngel wrote: One day, a cop, a firefighter, and a lawyer all died at the same time. They went up to the pearly gates of heaven and St. Peter stopped them saying, "Welcome to heaven. Before I let you pass, you each have to answer a question." He looked at the cop, and said, "Joe, in 1914 a really big ship sank in the North Atlantic...can you name it for me? I’ll give you a hint: they just made a really HUGE movie about it, and it had that DiCaprio kid in it." Joe the cop thought hard for a minute then triumphantly said, "It was the Titanic!" "Very good," said St. Peter, "Welcome to heaven!" He then turned to the firefighter and said, "Sam, can you tell me how many people died on the ship Joe just said? Just a rough number?" Sam spoke up immediately, "About 1500, sir!" "Well done!" said the saint, "welcome to heaven!" Finally, he turned to the third man. "You were a lawyer, right Tom?" "Yes, sir, I was," Tom answered. "Alright...1500 people died on the Titanic. Tell me their names." OK, ok, I quit...for now..... [/quote] Good luck gettin' into heaven. The Titanic sank in 1912 and slightly less than 12oo people died. Sorry...just had to make this point. ~Jonton |
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| One evening, just before a show, a magician discovered that his rabbit seemed to be very ill. The poor thing was listless and just hung limply from the magician's hands when he picked it up. The performer immediately called a veterinarian who was decent enough to respond right away (hey, this is a story, OK?). When he arrived, the vet examined the rabbit and noticed that the animal's eyes were crossed. He said to the magician, "Oh, I know what's wrong with this little fellow. I can fix him up right away." He reached into his little black bag and withdrew a shiny, chromium-plated tube about a foot long. The doc shoved the tube up the rabbit's posterior orifice (You know, his *** ****), took a deep breath and blew through the tube. The rabbit's eyes straightened out and he began to kick and become lively again. The doctor then pointed out that the condition was going to recur from time to time and that the magician could apply the procedure himself. He said, "Now, you will have to blow really hard, and there is kind of a knack to it, so why don't you take a practice blow before I leave?" The magician agreed, and proceeded to remove the tube from the rabbit's rear, turn it end-for-end, and reinsert it. He then took a deep breath, put his mouth to the tube and blew hard. The veterinarian said, "Yuck! Sheesh! That's disgusting! Why did you turn the tube around?" The magician replied, "Are you nuts? I'm not going to put my mouth where you put yours!" |
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[quote] Just a rough number?" [/quote] Sorry...just had to make this point. ~Jonton [/quote] Just had to make that point, lol......I'm PMing you on your location, I didn't think there was another magician in WV! |
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What do you call a nervous witch? A twitch. Why do witches wear no panties? To help them get a grip on the broomstick. |
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.... |
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"Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his keester Father... he's a cripple you know!" Posted: Sep 16, 2005 7:20am A guy's' been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." |
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Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. Gravity brings me down. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.... |
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A fellow went to a doctor and said to him, Doc, I think something is wrong with my hearing. I can't even hear myself fart. The doctor examined him and gave him a bottle of pills. The fellow asked, "Doc, will these make me hear better?" The doctor replied, "No, they'll make you fart louder." Posted: Sep 16, 2005 11:36am A guy goes into a bar with a carrot in each ear, orders a drink, pays for it and walks out. This, of course, makes the bartender very curious. The next evening, the same guy walks in with a carrot in each ear, has his drink and leaves. The bartender is going nuts with curiosity, but says nothing. The following evening the guy walks in with a stalk of celery in each ear, orders his drink, pays, and is about to leave. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey, buddy, I hate to bother you, but I can't stand it anymore. Why do you have a stalk of celery in each ear?" The customer smiles and replies matter-of-factly, "I couldn't find any carrots." Posted: Sep 16, 2005 11:43am A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. When his drink arrives, he drinks it, pulls a handkerchief out of the air, wipes his mouth, covers the glass with the hank, and the glass disappears when he removes the handkerchief. He then pokes the hankerchief into his fist, blows on it, and when he opens his fist, the hank has vanished. He gets up, floats about four inches above the floor, and glides out the door. One of the customers sitting at the bar says to the bartender, "Geez, that was a strange guy!" The bartender replies, "Yeah, he sure is! He never says goodnight!" |
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