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Topic: Comedy announcements
Message: Posted by: ROBERT BLAKE (Oct 13, 2004 04:45PM)
Can somebody help me out here? I am looking for "comedy announcements".

Here is an example:
"Mr. Jones, can you call home? The babersitter wants to know where the fire extinguiser is".

Maybe somebody has these kind of lines or ideas or knows sources.

Thank you,

Robert Blake
Message: Posted by: trickychris (Oct 13, 2004 06:42PM)
Tonights clarevoyants evening has been cancelled due to unforeseen events.......
Message: Posted by: paulajayne (Oct 13, 2004 09:09PM)
Hi

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE


SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

"To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!"

Paula
Message: Posted by: Reg Rozee (Oct 13, 2004 11:57PM)
Here's a few off the top of my head...

Would the owner of a beautiful white cadillac parked out front please see the fireman holding the steering wheel at the front desk?

Would Mr. Paul Jones please go to the concierge's desk? Oh, and wait for me so I can follow along—I want to see what a 'concierge' is!

If anyone has lost a brown leather wallet with $580 in 50's and 20's and some beautiful family photos, please DO NOT come to the front desk/bar/etc. We don't have it, we haven't seen it, and it is definitely gone for good.

We have a lost child in security/at the desk/bar/etc. and are looking for a parent who answers to "mommymommymommymommyMMMMMOMMMMMYYYY!!!" Please come to the desk immediately. And quickly. _PLEASE_...

We would like to welcome members of the local Optimists Club, scheduled to be our special guests tonight. Unfortunately, they heard the weather would be bad, assumed we would cancel, and didn't bother coming...

We would like to congratulate Mr. & Mrs. John Smith who are here tonight, celebrating the 30th anniversary of their divorce by sitting at opposite ends of the restaurant and not speaking to each other. Congratulations on 30 years of successful avoidance and blissful unacquaintance!
:bg:
Message: Posted by: amadrigal (Oct 14, 2004 01:12AM)
I use
Did you lose a bunch of cash wrapped in a rubberband out in the parking lot?.... no? Well if you see them tell em I have their rubberband!

ADAPTED
"Whom ever has lost the $500 in twenties wrapped in a rubberband outside in the parking lot please come see me! I have your rubberband!!!"
Message: Posted by: Joey Evans (Oct 14, 2004 03:04AM)
"This just in, some bad news. Our beloved Captain Hook died of Jock Itch today."
Message: Posted by: flobiwan (Oct 14, 2004 05:04PM)
"A man's wallet has been found by a miss Helen Hunt, so any gentleman who has lost a wallet can go to Helen Hunt for it."
Message: Posted by: Bill Hallahan (Oct 14, 2004 05:04PM)
This is an actual announcement I heard where I used to work. It was a legitimate announcement, but there was still laughter throughout the building.

The receptionist announced, "Will the person who lost the hearing aid please report to the lobby."

5 seconds later, much louder,

"[b]Will the person who lost the hearing aid, please report to the lobby![/b]"
Message: Posted by: sniper1 (Oct 14, 2004 06:19PM)
Ok this is an old one but still good. Let's say you have a part in your show where you use kids. Ok, any women have have a kid that I can borrow tonight. Those ladies without any kids can come to see me after the show and I'll see what I can do for you.
Message: Posted by: NJJ (Oct 14, 2004 09:05PM)
"Will the owner of the car registered XCVDHFHEDHDH445984KJKLKRE8996FELFK89849 please move your car. Your license plate is blocking the driveway."
Message: Posted by: mplegare (Oct 15, 2004 05:37PM)
A quick update - the "Walk Around the World" fundraiser has been cancelled as one of our participants drowned today.
Message: Posted by: ROBERT BLAKE (Oct 16, 2004 12:00PM)
Everybody, you are a great help. Thank you.
Message: Posted by: The Mac (Oct 17, 2004 03:32PM)
This is from the opening of the show of Comedian. Actor Dennis Leary:

voice: Ladies and gentlemen.. Due to illness tonight the part of Dennis Leary will be played by ......DENNIS LEARY..and now please welcome Dennis Leary!

I thought it was cute!
Message: Posted by: templemagic (Jan 23, 2005 02:29PM)
Get handed a piece of paper from offstage then read it and say...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been asked to mention someone very special in the audience today. It's Mrs. Smith from SuchnSuch a place. She's in the audience tonight and she is 111. Lets have a big round of applause". Now you "hear someone talking to you from offstage and you go over to find out what they want. Now you go back to centre stage, re-read the paper and say... "oh, no, sorry. Mrs. Smith from suchnsuch a place and shes Ill!"

111/Ill - haha - sounds rubbish on paper but looks great when done onstage.

Cheers,
TM
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 23, 2005 04:28PM)
And I thought my sense of humor was strange.
Message: Posted by: Patrick Differ (Jan 23, 2005 08:19PM)
"Would the owner of the lost wallet with $400 in it please line up at the front desk?"
Message: Posted by: Lyndel (Jan 24, 2005 06:24AM)
Excuse the interuption ladies and gentlemen... May I have your attention please...
<after a short pause> Thank you...

Posted: Jan 24, 2005 7:33am
-----------------------------------------------------------
May I have your attention please... Will the person driving the baby blue 1968 Ford Falcon with rust holes all over it, a cracked windshield, and mismatched fenders, please move your vehicle. It's not blocking anything... It's just making the place look bad.
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Jan 24, 2005 06:41AM)
Church Announcements

Don't let worry kill you -- the church can help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and hear our choir practice.

kOnO
Message: Posted by: Carron (Jan 24, 2005 06:43AM)
Is there a magician in the house?

T
Message: Posted by: Popo (Jan 24, 2005 08:46AM)
If you are here for tonight's meeting of Procratinators Anonymous it has been rescheduled.

Please remember to tip the waiters and waitresses as they are working hard to serve you. And remember to return them to their upright positions so they can serve the rest of us too.

I love the announcement about the hearing aid. What a great running gag for an emcee. The first announcement, then later in the show say it louder, then louder, then later come out with a big sign.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Jan 24, 2005 09:16AM)
I'll have to try the hearing aid gag but how do you milk it thru the whole show. PM me if you can.
Message: Posted by: bnadworn (Jan 24, 2005 11:01PM)
There will be a meeting of the ESP club. For more information please call.

- Brian Nadworny
Message: Posted by: kOnO (Jan 25, 2005 05:27AM)
Some people think I'm a real pain in the neck; of course, others have a lower opinion of me.

kOnO
Message: Posted by: Dan McLean Jr aka, Magic Roadie (Jan 25, 2005 09:29PM)
[quote]
On 2005-01-24 10:16, The Donster wrote:
I'll have to try the hearing aid gag but how do you milk it thru the whole show. PM me if you can.
[/quote]

Hi, Don!
As Popo alluded, say it once in a normal voice. Later in the show, say exactly the same thing, but much louder, and with an impatient tone. A third, VERY loud, angry time will do it quite nicely!
Message: Posted by: Kent Messmer (Jan 26, 2005 10:26AM)
Have someone hand you a licence plate (a real plate, not just the number) from off stage... read the number and say... you’ve left your lights on.
Message: Posted by: Rupert Bair (Jan 26, 2005 01:43PM)
The world's oldest man was going to come here tonight, to see his 100th Magic show, it was going to be a world record, but unfortunetley he's in hospital looking after his Dad.

Matt
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Jan 27, 2005 04:48AM)
Would the lady who left the pram in the lobby please remove it. It's leaking.

(Come onto stage carrying a few car radios) A few of you in the audience have left your lights on in your vehicles, (show radios) don't worry I turned your lights off.

Please do not throw papers onto the stage. I have to sweep up after you all leave.
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Feb 3, 2005 03:28AM)
Wolfie how about a few car tires too.
Message: Posted by: Wolflock (Feb 3, 2005 08:10AM)
Here in South Africa the crime is very bad. One of the joke I like to use is actually a joke of on of our South African comedians, (I think it was Mark Banks):

I substitute it for myself. Now to understand this you must know that car theft in Johannesburg is EXTREMELY High.

I was on tour in Johannesburg the other day and decided to make a car vanish, but no one was impresses as this was Johannesburg... (Leave the audience to twig on)

Regards
Wolflock
Message: Posted by: TommyTheTremendous (Feb 4, 2005 10:30AM)
Love the license plate, clairavoyence, and the "Walk Around The World" lines. I have already used the rubberband one and it's a good kicker. These are great!
Message: Posted by: Brent McLeod (Mar 20, 2007 11:11PM)
Good announcements-very funny some of them

Does anyone have anything similar regarding cellphones at a theatre etc

appreciate any comments

Thanks again

-Brent
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Mar 21, 2007 06:52PM)
Wow..what a thread! This is some good stuff. Hehehehe. I have abunch lined up for my 2nd Volume of the Magic Enhancer, but you will all have to wait and see.. Lol. If you're interested in funny announcements, you should check it out. It has a bunch of funny lines on it. I'd like to see more contributions. This forum rocks! Here's one for thought:

"Ladies and gentlemen, before you filed in we placed a complimentary lottery icket on the bottom of everyone's chair <<pause>> Just kidding. Enjoy the show!"

Robert Haas
http://www.MagicEnhancer.com
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Mar 22, 2007 09:19AM)
Brent,

"At this time, please turn off all cell phones. If you don't, it will be up for grabs tomorrow on Ebay".

On my CD, I have one that says "please turn off all cell phones, pagers, beepers, VCR, efrigerators, pacemakers, etc" and goes right down the list of a bunch of electronic devices. It usually gets a great reaction.

Robert Haas
http://www.MagicEnhancer.com
Message: Posted by: Brent McLeod (Mar 23, 2007 03:22AM)
Robert-

Look forward to your second volume

Thanks for the phone posts as well Cheers

We usually have a list of announcements in the 5-10 mins prior to show time & always works well-audience has a good time!!
Message: Posted by: Flec (Mar 23, 2007 01:57PM)
In a serious voice, "ladies and gentlemen, please could you make sure all mobile phones are switched off,because they are a ****ing nuisance. thank you."

when done in the right tone, you're not expecting the swearing and it kills! wouldn't advise this at kids shows tho....
Message: Posted by: M. Perk (Mar 23, 2007 04:03PM)
"Ladie and Gentleman we have a very special guest in the Audience tonight. Let's give a big hand for Carrot Top." Wait a few seconds and point to a lady, and say "Oh my goodness I am so sorry dear, you're not Carrot Top are you?"
Message: Posted by: Destiny (Mar 23, 2007 09:12PM)
M. Perk - good way to start off with at least one audience member hating you.

I'm intrigued by the name of your home. There was plenty of gossip that Paris performed the same act numerous times while she was in Australia, but we never thought to name an island after it.

Destiny
Message: Posted by: Brent McLeod (Mar 24, 2007 02:42AM)
[quote]
On 2007-03-23 14:57, Flec wrote:
In a serious voice, "ladies and gentlemen, please could you make sure all mobile phones are switched off,because they are a ****ing nuisance. thank you."

when done in the right tone, you're not expecting the swearing and it kills! wouldn't advise this at kids shows tho....
[/quote]

Flec-

Good post!!

Ive heard a similar one at the local comedy club I perform -definetly not for kids but went something like this-we were rolling in hysterics backstage & the audience just cracked up!!

The voice was deep & slow speaking...

Ladies & Gentlemen -

Please ensure all cellphones are switched off so not to interupt the performers or your fellow guests..
because if you don't- your a ****

Will leave it to you you to work out a well known 4 letter word!!!!
Message: Posted by: ROBERT BLAKE (Mar 24, 2007 02:54AM)
"ladies and gentleman I like to point out that this man (point to somebody)has become a farther today ..... (usualy applause) I like to now what his wife thinks about it".
Message: Posted by: Flec (Mar 25, 2007 09:20PM)
Well calling sumone a *** is a bit harsh, I wouldn't go that far lol. but again, depends what style you are. jerry sadowitz cud get away with it!
Message: Posted by: dr chutney (Mar 26, 2007 03:11AM)
I have done this one before, but it needs to be on a Saturday night ( or Wednesday in the UK) after the Lottery result would be in.

"Ladies and gentlemen, before we go on I have some numbers here that may be important to some of you here. The numbers I have are 4, 9, 21, 36, 45, 46 and finally 7. Just to repeat those, that's 4,9,21,36,45,46 and 7. ( Wave piece of paper in air ) So, if anybody has mislaid their Chinese takeaway order please see me afterwards.
Message: Posted by: tctahoe (Mar 26, 2007 09:24AM)
Yes, calling someone an as****e is a bit harsh…but then again, people who don’t turn the ringers off on their phones during a performance are as****es…

“Attention ladies and gentleman…we have an announcement for the man who lost the gold Rolex watch…we are happy to report…it is now 10:00pm!”
Message: Posted by: M. Perk (Mar 29, 2007 09:44PM)
If you spot 2 bald guys sitting together in the Audience, say Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce in the Audience tonight, Ms. Dolly Parton. Whoops sorry guys.
Message: Posted by: Pete Biro (Mar 30, 2007 01:27AM)
I had two versions of a similar gag.

First one: I had a handkerchief set up so I could slip my hand into it and bring it out of my pocket so it looked like my hand was bandaged. I spattered red paint on it to look like blood. The second version I used with a handcuff on one wrist.

I'd enter and say, "Amazing thing happened just before the show, there was an argument at the bar and a guy pulled out a knife and before he stabbed anyone a guy grabbed it away from him and stabbed HIM in the hand..." I then bring out my bloody wrapped hand and say, pointing with that hand... "He was seen running out the bar, up the stairs and into the theater."

Handcuff gag was similar about a fight and the cops grabbed the guy and started to put the cuffs on him but he got away and ran... etc. etc.
Message: Posted by: styck13 (Apr 8, 2007 08:04AM)
[quote]
On 2007-03-21 00:11, Brent McLeod wrote:
Good announcements-very funny some of them

Does anyone have anything similar regarding cellphones at a theatre etc

appreciate any comments

Thanks again

-Brent
[/quote]
I'm not sure where this came from but I've used it a time or two.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have a great show lined up for you, but first we have a few rules that we have to go by.

[i](roll eyes and act like OH NO!!!! RULES...Also I get the audience to go..."aaaaaawwwwwe!" with me).[/i]

First... this is a no smoking theater, if we see you smoking, we're going to assume that you're on fire and take the appropriate measures. Also please turn your cell phones off or on "pleasure mode" so not to interupt the performers or your fellow guests..

[i](I just try to move on like I didn't say anything unusual..it usually takes a second for the audience to catch that one)[/i]

Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, should we loose cabin pressure and oxygen mask will fall from the ceiling and in the unlikely event that we're in an accident your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. Thank You! ...NOW ON WITH THE SHOW.

[i] needless to say this is where I work in any other "rules" of the evening. you k now..flash photography, screaming kids, blah blah blah. [/i]
Message: Posted by: ROBERT BLAKE (Apr 8, 2007 08:28AM)
Great thanks
Message: Posted by: Aidan (Apr 12, 2007 05:21AM)
WOW!
Now I'm going to have to find a old license plate... one that's kinda mangled and barely readable... add a puff of smoke or a small flame...

"Will the owner of the...what color was this? Oh, we don't know. Will the owner of the new Lexus, plate number...uhh..."

I love this!
Message: Posted by: Justin Style (Apr 24, 2007 03:15PM)
[quote]
On 2004-10-13 22:09, paulajayne wrote:
Hi

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE


SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

"To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!"

Paula

[/quote]

Hubba Bubba! HELLLOOO BETTY!
Message: Posted by: magicmanfrank (Apr 26, 2007 03:10AM)
I always liked this one for use if the show is starting late or you can just purposely wait a couple of minutes past the show's starting time!

(Announcer)

"Ladies & Gentlemen we apologize for the late start, as we were hoping to introduce tonight's special guest and longtime Magic Enthusiast,

Father Frances Delay.

Unfortunately we just got word that he will not be able to join us this evening so.....WITHOUT FATHER DELAY,(sounds like Further Delay),

*Pause & wait for groans to subside*

...let's begin the show!!!"

=Frank=
Message: Posted by: Sal Amangka (Apr 26, 2007 10:12AM)
Greetings,

I know a Café member Tim Hanning (i hope I got the name correct), got a cd out full of comedy annoucement you can use for your shows.

This thread is full of great stuffs as well!

Sal
Message: Posted by: The Village Idiots (Apr 26, 2007 03:02PM)
Once Wally (my other half) accidently said:

"We will need complete silence, so please turn your cell phones off and your vibrators to page mode."

I can't get him to ever say it again but it killed.

Will
Message: Posted by: MJ Marrs (May 2, 2007 11:51AM)
I remember hearing an introduction at the Magic Castle one time for a performer (I think that it was Rich Bloch) that went SOMETHING like this:

There is a magician who is truly respected by his peers. He travels the world performing for royalty. He has become a legend in every city he performs at.

Unfortunately THAT magician couldn't be here tonight...

However, we were able to get (fill in the blank) who is one of the best in his price range...

Please put your hands together and welcome...

I don't remember the real scripting of the announcement, but I think that you'll get the general idea. It got a big laugh and it set the stage for the performer's onstage persona.
Message: Posted by: Wanlu (May 9, 2007 11:11AM)
I had a pal (Apollo Abrahan,who does voice recordings for TV and RADIO commercials) do a voice over for my show intro...recorded at Rannie "THE BOSS" Raymundo's recording studio...and it went something like this...


Ladies and Gentlemen...Boys and Girls...presenting your best choice for magical entertainment, the country's number one magician...please welcome...errr huh? the number one magician is not around? ...who's here...who? Wanlu? what the...okay....errrr....Ladies and Gentlemen, please disregard my previous introduction, please welcome instead...THE COMEDY AND MAGIC OF WANLU...

Rannie added some great fanfare and drumroll effects... :) Funny Stuff :)

I use it everytime :)

Wanlu
Message: Posted by: Wanlu (May 9, 2007 11:21AM)
This happened last Sunday in a Birthday party where I was the Emcee and Magician...

...the mom (party host) asked me to announce that there's beer for the gentlemen...and I also noticed that there was a fruitshake booth...

So...I announced... Ladies and Gentlemen, while we are waiting for the party to start, Id like to inform you that we have beer for the men...

(After a few seconds)

I also want to inform you that we have yummy fruitshakes for the children...

(After a few seconds)

Errr... let me just make sure I made that clear...Gentlemen-Beer....Children- Fruitshakes... okay?

and I heard a few folks laugh :)
Message: Posted by: rannie (May 10, 2007 12:18PM)
[quote]
On 2007-05-09 12:11, Wanlu wrote:
I had a pal (Apollo Abrahan,who does voice recordings for TV and RADIO commercials) do a voice over for my show intro...recorded at Rannie "THE BOSS" Raymundo's recording studio...and it went something like this...


Ladies and Gentlemen...Boys and Girls...presenting your best choice for magical entertainment, the country's number one magician...please welcome...errr huh? the number one magician is not around? ...who's here...who? Wanlu? what the...okay....errrr....Ladies and Gentlemen, please disregard my previous introduction, please welcome instead...THE COMEDY AND MAGIC OF WANLU...

Rannie added some great fanfare and drumroll effects... :) Funny Stuff :)

I use it everytime :)

Wanlu
[/quote]


I'm glad you use it all the time. As I have said before.... ANYTIME WANLU!

Rannie
Message: Posted by: alcorm1 (May 11, 2007 07:49PM)
I have both Tim Hannings Show Starts CD and The Magic Enhancer CD. Both are full of great announcements already recorded for you. I get great reactions from the audience mixing these with music prior to the start of the show. Both of these CD's are highly recommnded.
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (May 22, 2007 10:04AM)
Thank you very much Alcorn. I'm looking forward to releasing Volume 2 around the winter time. It will have some more very funny announcements. And, for those who haven't heard, we'll be releasing an updated effect of "Vanishing Bandana" sometime this summer. On the CD will be two bonus tracks that will not be available elsewhere.

Robert Haas
http://www.MagicEnhancer.com
Message: Posted by: Tim Hannig (Jul 21, 2007 10:22AM)
Glad you liked my cd!
Message: Posted by: The Donster (Oct 30, 2007 09:49PM)
Does anyone know or have any funny announcements with License plates or Cars Parked ?
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 2, 2007 11:35AM)
Donster,

Magic Enahncer volume 1 has some funny announcements on it. Volume 2 will have more announcements, some of which will have car references.

Robert Haas
Message: Posted by: harris (Nov 2, 2007 01:04PM)
A man who has shared laughter with audiences across our country.
A man who brightens every room he enters..(enter slowly..)bright yellow vest...)
A man who could be Brad Pitt's Stunt double (take off hat and shows bald head..)..(this has changed over the years with ages of audiences and venue ..sometimes someone who is known for their height..basketball player..and I enter at 5'5"

A man who writes his own introductions....
Message: Posted by: gadfly3d (Nov 2, 2007 01:53PM)
I was playing poker in a casino when I actually heard an announcement paging Stu Padasso

Gil Scott
Message: Posted by: Magic Enhancer (Nov 8, 2007 04:31PM)
Hehehe. That's a good one. I prefer Amanda Huginkiss. Hehehehe. Especially if it is a guy :)

Robert Haas