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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Funny story-Has kept me laughing all morning. (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Profile of Aperazor
Hi All,
This story has kept me laughing all morning and I thought I would share it.
I think the fact that I can see myself all over this story is what has made it funny for me.

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully
>bought his lovely wife a
>"pocket tazer" for their anniversary. Don't be
>drinking liquids when
>you read this, I'm warning you.
>Last weekend I spied something at
>Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I
>bought something
>really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was
>our 22nd anniversary
>and I was looking for a little something extra
>for my sweet girl. What
>I came across was a 100,000-volt,
>pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
>clip. The effects are supposed to be short
>lived, with no long-term
>adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing
>you adequate time to
>retreat to safety -- way too cool!
>Long story short, I bought the device and
>brought it home. I loaded
>two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
>pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned that if
>I pushed the button,
>however, and pressed it against a metal
>surface that I'd get the blue
>arch of electricity darting back and forth
>between the prongs that I
>was so looking forward to.
>Awesome!!! but I have yet to explain to Toni
>what that burn spot is
>on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was
>home alone with this new
>toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
>that bad with only two
>triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my
>recliner, my cat
>Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
>while I was reading
>the directions and thinking that I really needed
>to try this thing out
>on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
>thought about zapping
>Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought
>better of it. She is
>such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going
>to give this thing
>to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
>did want some assurance
>that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
>with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
>nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said
>that; a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a
>two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of
>bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make
>your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water.
>All the while I'm looking at this little device
>(measuring about 5"
>long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
>pretty cute really, and
>loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
>thinking to myself,
>"no way!"
>What happened next is almost beyond
>description, but I'll do my best.
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
>her head cocked to one
>side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning
>that a one-second
>burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't
>hurt all that bad. I
>decided to give myself a one-second burst just
>for the heck of it.
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
>pushed the button, and HOLY
>DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>in through the front
>door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>body slammed me on the
>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
>waking up on my side in
>the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
>nowhere to be found,
>soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
>body in the oddest
>position. Gracie was standing over me making
>meowing sounds I had
>never heard before, licking my face,
>undoubtedly thinking to herself,
>"do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug
>yourself with a Tazer, one
>note of caution. There is no such thing as a
>one-second burst when you
>zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that
>thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
>about on the floor.
>SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later
>(I can't be sure, as
>time was a relative thing at this point), I
>collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
>How did they up get
>there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
>were still
>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
>with Novocain, and my
>bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I
>think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward.
Michael Baker
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Eternal Order
Near a river in the Midwest
11161 Posts

Profile of Michael Baker
OH, ****!!! I won't get anything done today... I'm laughing too hard!!!
~michael baker
The Magic Company
Matt Bartz
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Loyal user
Gilbert, Arizona
253 Posts

Profile of Matt Bartz
Great post--I had to go into the stairwell of the library to keep from disturbing people.
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New user
Lancaster, CA
98 Posts

Profile of mistermudd
I can relate to this man's temptation... I wouldn't put it past myself to do the same Smile
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
Rupert Bair
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Inner circle
2112 Posts

Profile of Rupert Bair
Hehe. Very funny.
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Inner circle
Long Beach, CA
2485 Posts

Profile of Cliffg37
Wasn't there a warning label, like don't use this on yourself?
Magic is like Science,
Both are fun if you do it right!
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Profile of Aperazor
Real men don't read warning labels!
I'm afraid I would probably have done the same as this guy and would still be looking for my testicles and if I was able to find my glasses I could probably have located them.
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Inner circle
San Diego, CA
1239 Posts

Profile of tuffnavyrn
You haven't found your testicles and I just wizzed my pants!! Funniest thing I've read in quite some time now. Thanks for sharing!
"That smart thing that somebody else said".
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