I was wondering if any of you had any ideas of clock gags. I am trying to build a clock routine and would apreciate any help. Do you know any good clock tricks and where I can get them?

Just off the top of my head, you might do something with:
"Give you a hand."
"Saving face."
Dial soap.
And that old, old gag:
Guy is going down the street to the watchmaker, carrying a grandfather clock and cabinet on his back.
He accidentally bumps into a kid.
And the kid says: "Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else!"

(I hope!)

You have also this joke:
What time is it?
I don't know!
She change all the time!

Ludo

Clock jokes really tick me off.
But I do love my Mickey Mouse watch.
It looks so cute at 6:30.

And the great Groucho Marx line,
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Finally, look up a Doc Shiels idea (he gives a scenario but no method) called, I think, Parachronism. It involves the apparent manipulation of time itself.

Sid

So the wristwatch comes home and says to his wife tick, tick tick.
The next day the same thing, the wristwarch comes home and says tick, tick tick.
This goes on for a week, every day the wristwatch comes home and says tick tick tick.
Finally his wife has had it and says you never tock anymore!

From the days of Watergate when I lived in Washington D.C. comes this dusty old relic.

A asks: Did you hear about the new Richard Nixon Watch?

B responds: No, I haven't heard. So, what does it do?

A answers: Not Much, but when you wind it up, it puts it's hands into YOUR pockets.

Just a remnant from less than Politically Correct Past. You can easily update it with the party/candidate of your choice.

BroDavid

What do you call a clock in a corner? Time-Out. Sorry, but that is the best I could do without more time. I guess it's time we move on. Appearently I'm not the only one here with my hand over my face. I know, you wind me up and I just keep going and going. Time to stop now. I can see the time for joking is over, I promise no more "time" jokes. Watch, I won't say another thing about time. I learned these stupid jokes from my Grandfather...clock. Sorry...

When I worked at the state hospital in Reno, I had a client who had a watch that when you touched the stem ever so slightly the hands would move around very rapidly.

I think this only works with a wind up watch.

He made me one a long time ago, (early 80's)

Does anyone know which wheel to take out, in
order to recreate this gag. (Time REALLY FLIES)

Harris

1st person: Does your watch have a second hand?

2nd Person: Yes, in fact it even has a third hand!

(Rimshot!)

There is always the old... pre-Blane

Watch (as you are about to do something) Watch...Watch...(Point at your wrist) WATCH!

The other day my wristwatch fell in the toilet.

Ever since then I've had really crappy timing.

Love it!

Hi Not sure what your looking for, here is a clip (old one) Of Dave Alan on telling the time. I remember seeing it years ago, however would take all the Time in the world to type out. Thank Goodness for you tube. Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS5P6GcUC4s&feature=related

Hope you like it.
Take care

And from the bottom drawer of very old gags comes:

A man walks into a jewlers, undoes his flies, takes his **** out and flops it down onto the counter. The woman shop assistant looks at him and says,

"I think you misunderstood the sign above the door, this is a 'cLock shop'"

"yeah I know" says the man, "can you put a couple of hands on that for me."

boom boom

I just but my watch in the bank to save some time
well folks they say time flyes when you are having fun but aparently now to