Hi everyone

We haven't had a light-hearted thread in quite a while so I have started one. Partly for that reason, and partly because a particular event still embarrasses me and makes me wince everytime I think about it, however funny it is in retrospect.

So, what's the dumbest, stupidest, more worthless, embarrassing, or otherwise just plain wrong this you have ever said during a show. It could be something that just slipped out, a line that should never have been there, or perhaps a badly timed response to a heckle. Whatever you like.

To start us off, here's mine.

A couple of years ago I was doing a family show, sideshow style. For me, family show means starting with human blockhead, then making a balloon animal for a small child with the balloon going straight in my nose and out my mouth, sword swallowing, a few other nasty stunts, and finishing with having a concrete block smashed on my b*llocks by the way. Just so you can see where my head is at

Anyway, a lot of the crowd wandering round are in fancy dress, plenty of dressing up going on. I am trying to build up a tip, by calling people over with the mic, a few pleasant insults and jibes. Nothing nasty, all in fun and going down well. Well, about 40 foot away a bloke walks past, wearing a dress (not you Helen). A big flowery dress and summer hat. Looking totally ridiculous in that 'hairy bloke having a laugh' kind of way. So, I call over, pointing so the audience can see 'hey, bloke in a dress, come and watch the show mate', and try and get the audience to cheer his costume. They don't cheer, they don't make any noise at all. They look stunned. Uh-Oh. So, this 'bloke' is walking towards me, notice the punctuation that just appeared around 'bloke'. Yep, that aint no bloke! That's a bona fide woman. I am in trouble now!

She was one of the organisers of the event too, and everyone knew her. Luckily, the next few lines that came out of my mouth were FAR smarter than what had preceded them, and I managed to pass it off as 'just trying to get her attention' and the like. I think they believed me. My mind works FAST when my backs against the wall. So all the trouble went away and the show went on just fine.

Afterwards I spoke to her and she was ok with it all, and believed my story.

Honestly, I still wince when I think of it though

Anyone else?

David

Hi David, just got back from Evesham where the Lord Mayor was watching the show, usual backchat "Was invited to have tea in the Mayor`s Chamber,,,,shame he couldn`t afford a cup !! etc etc, all was received in good fun till I asked him how he felt since he came out of Prison !!! That upset the cart,,,see the Evesham Press for details of his early release,,,,,laugh,,,I thought my knickers would never dry.

Then there was the time at Hampton Court when instead of being introduced as an International Fakir, I was billed as an International F***** On the PA broadcast to 20,000 spekies. I still take a ribbing from the grafters who were there.

I had a show at an obsure college in an even more obscure corner of Virginia. I was doing my straitjacket escape, riding the unicycle around the audience. The room was small, the corners were very tight, and it was SRO.

So this young woman is standing in the back, dangerously in the way, and on two rounds, I'd asked her to move, and she'd ignored me completely. The next round, very exasperated, I asked "Do you always hang out on the corner like this?". The place completely broke up laughing, and it took me a minute to realize that I'd said something pretty rude. (It doesn't usually take me that long.)

I usually get re-booked, but not for that one. But I liked the line so much, I used it a lot for the next year or so, when I thought I could get away with it.

LMAO :rofl:

I haven't performed a show as an escape artist as of yet, but my own father mistakened me for my mom on the phone...and then there was that time my friend was arguing with my mother that it was me on the phone.

People always think that I'm cursing whenever I say shoot though. Bugs me. Let's see what other corney things I can dig up...last week this boy in my class played Lady Macbeth for a certain scene...thing is, I had to be Macbeth.

Well, if I happen to say something stupid or inappropriate (this gives me an idea )...I'll be sure to post.

A number of years ago, I took first aid training. There were lots of people there.
One very striking woman was in her early 20s. As it turns out, she was a friend of a friend.

'Jackie' knelt down to perform CPR on the medical dummy. Standing, waiting for my turn, I was given a very clear view of her undergarments. (This was in a time when women didn't wear such low rise pants as nowadays.) I noted to myself her proportions and unique underwear colour (green).

Travel with me 15 years into the future when I am hosting an event. 'Jackie' arrives with her elderly mother and introduces herself to me. She says, "We've met before."

"Yes, I remember," I continued with my mouth not shutting off, "green panties."

I did something real Goofy a few months ago at a S.A.M. meeting I wont say what it is. but I beleive someone got a few pics of it.

This did not happen on an escape stage, but you might get a laugh from it anyway.

I was cast as the "modern major general" in a school production of"Pirates of Penzance" the light opera by Gilbert and Sullivan. I did not get the roll for my acting skill. I got it because there a a high speed song in the roll, and I was the only one who could sing at high speed. At one point my character is surrounded by pirates with swords, and he escapes by apealing to their weak spot. Pirates are all orphans, and I tell them I also am an orphan.

Problem was I froze on stage. I forgot the line. I am standing there looking scared, when the driector in the wings realizes the problem. This poor woman has just taken all kinds of grief from setting up the shopw and all, and she was in a spectaculary bad mood. From the wings I hear her whisper loudly... "Tell them you are a ----ing orphan!" You would not believe how strong the urge was to say "I'm a ----ing orphan!" Problem was, even with the spot lights, I could see the first few rows of the audience, and I could tell that they had heard the directors whisper. My parentswere sitting in the back somewhere, and they told me later I did great acting. I looked really scared at sword point.

Now if you want to know real misery, try being in a play, having a dress rehesal, with a director whose just quit smoking.

Once while letting several indivuals thust me up with chains and rope for an escape, I was bantering away with them to keep things moving and avoiding a "silence" lul. This one young woman was pulling pretty tight on the chains, so I commented to her (wincing from her most recent tug) that she was quite strong and asked if she worked out. She replied, "not really, but I do walk around the neighborhood quite a bit", and I quipped, "Oh, so ur a streetwalker!" Dead silence fell over everyone and they all stared at me like I grew a new head. I had no clue she was a nun.

Nice Topic. Better than the rest of them for the last month or so.

Now this is not during a show, but etched very deep just the same.

Anyhow I was in a situation where some folks came over unexpectedly and I felt compelled to show them the place, yet forgot that there was a pile of cuffs and legirons in the middle of the floor in an otherwise empty room. As I pulled the door open and realised exactly what it looked like, All I could get to come out was: Uh those are not mine, somebody must have left them here. A complete lie that was spawned by shock and surprise, but that's all that would come out, and it only dug the hole much much deeper....

Once I was performing at the Labour Day Classic in Regina Saskatchewan. The Labour Day Classic is a time honored tradition which showcases the rivalry between the Saskatchewan RoughRiders and the Winnepeg Blue Bombers. During my show ( which took place outside of the stadium before the game) I noticed a group of face painted BlueBomber fans, so I decided to have a little fun...

"Are there any Bomber fans in the crowd today???"

Crowd: Cheers and screams....

"Alright, I'll speak a little slower then..."


Moments later I got a few boos, and the group of face painted fans jumped on my stage screaming "Riders Suck, Riders Suck" Security had to come onto the stage and escort the guys off, my props were knocked over and scattered about the stage. I get back onto the stage...

"Ladies ad Gentleman that's my show thank you!!!" at this point I fake like I'm leaving and the whole crowd starts howling.

I come back on -- "There are a few empty bottles of Jack Daniels and several weeping mothers some where in the world...."


Another enormous laugh -- I then continued my show...

It's pretty easy to think under pressure for me, the lines may not have been golden, but they worked!


;-)

Worst thing I ever said during a show....Haunted House 2003....bunch of kids watching, including mine....13th suspended straitjacket (shoulda known)....I fell, and yelled, "Oh sh**!" I didn't realize what I said until one of my assistants told me later. Just the thing my kids need to hear their mom say.

Margarette

Margarette I am shocked! Does your mother know you use that kind of language? <G>
I am glad you survived the drop. How high were you when you fell?

Hey, I didn't know I used that kind of language!! I wasn't that high...only about 5-6 feet. I ended up badly bruised, and believe it or not, later I ended up having a root canal because of a tooth I inadverdently cracked when I hit the ground.

Margarette

Well....

Years ago, as "The Burger King", I was done for the day when a young lad and his father walked up to me and said:

"My daddy says you aren't the real Burger King."

Without a thought I said:

"That's OK, your daddy isn't your real daddy...."

I was done as the Burger King by the end of the day.

Mark you kill me, ( it was probly true!!! )


Perry