|
|
gsidhe Inner circle Michigan 1725 Posts |
I play violin, so this wasn't as musically scarring for me.
Cellists...The horror...oh the horror.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM&feature=related |
Freak Prodigy Inner circle NYC & LA 1805 Posts |
Yeah, wow...I was a Cellist, I can still play, but not without my cello.
Yeah, that song sucks. Brett.
Blog:
http://www.bloudermilk.blogspot.com _________________________________________ E-mail: BrettELoudermilk@gmail.com |
gsidhe Inner circle Michigan 1725 Posts |
Thanks Brett!
There's always room for Cello. Gwyd |
Freak Prodigy Inner circle NYC & LA 1805 Posts |
Haa.
Blog:
http://www.bloudermilk.blogspot.com _________________________________________ E-mail: BrettELoudermilk@gmail.com |
Magnus Eisengrim Inner circle Sulla placed heads on 1053 Posts |
That is RF funny.
John
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.--Yeats |
rossmacrae Inner circle Arlington, Virginia 2475 Posts |
Music humor ... hmmm...
Things you will definitely never hear in any band or orchestra you play in: "Can you believe all the money we're getting?" "No thanks, I don't want another beer." "So then I said to Bernstein, "Lenny," (I always used to call him Lenny)…" --------------------- "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER" FROM THE DRUMMER'S PERSPECTIVE Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH At the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM,CRASH Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH Were so gallantly streaming? 3 & 1…2…3… 2…2…3… 3…2…3… 4…2…3… 5…2…3… 6…2…3… 7…2…3… 8…2… Oh, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! |
blwrjw Regular user The Top of the Mountains 177 Posts |
These are slanted in favor of guitarists (which I was many moons ago)...
Q: What's the best way to start up a conversation with someone who only makes $15,000 a year? A: Ask what kind of strings he uses. Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers. Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time? A: Shoot one. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the drum/guitar solo. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer. Q: How can you tell when a lead vocalist is off key? A: His lips are moving. Q: How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. He just holds it in place while the world revolves around him. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They have machines to do that now. Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Jazz musicians don't have to worry about changes. Q: How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? A: Put sheet music in front of him. Q: What's the definition of "perfect pitch?" A: When you throw a banjo into the dumpster so that it lands right on top of an accordion. We take requests. We just don't take 'em seriously. When we started this band we didn't really want to be big stars and so far that's going better than we planned. ...and this one is fast becoming an anachronism...the youngsters may not get it at all... We just signed a new recording contract. We get our first 10 recordings for a penny if we buy 4 at full price. B.
...before you go rushing off to show your friends a new field of miracles, you should get well acquainted with tools of the trade.
-- Tony Corinda One can never have enough socks... -- Albus Dumbledore |
rossmacrae Inner circle Arlington, Virginia 2475 Posts |
An explorer is deep in the Amazon rain forest with his guide. Close by, through the hot, steamy jungle, they hear the ceaseless pounding of native drums. The drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The explorer feels watched by a thousand hostile eyes as the drums sound closer and closer. After days of this torture he screams that he can't stand the drumming, the awful ceaseless pounding of those drums! The guide shakes him by the shoulders until he comes to his senses, looks him right in the eye and says "You no want drums to stop. Very bad when drums stop." "But why, WHY??? What happens when the drums stop", says the explorer. The guide shudders and says "...BASS SOLO!"
|
Bill Nuvo Inner circle 3094 Posts or 2742 Posts |
Quote:
That's true, but a guitarist can always buy a synthesizer. |
Marvello Inner circle It's amazing how little I can say in 1612 Posts |
Band geek, cellist and bass player here....
Q: How is lightning like a cellist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice. Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A: Put it in a cello case. Q: What's the difference between a violin and a cello? A1: The cello burns longer. A2: The cello holds more beer. A3: You can tune the violin. Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside. Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses? A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist? A: Vibrato. Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello? A: It saves time. Q: How can you tell when a cellist is playing out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: Why is playing the cello like peeing in your pants? A: They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound. Q: Why is a cello solo like a bomb? A: By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. Q: Why do cellists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? A1: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places. A2: If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect. Q: Why don't cellists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them. Q: Why do cellists smile when they play? A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road? A: Skid marks before the skunk. Q: How do you get a violin to sound like a cello? A1: Sit in the back and don't play. A2: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. Q: A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? A: The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q: What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Q: What is the range of a cello? A: As far as you can kick it. Q: What do a SCUD missile and a cello player have in common? A: They're both offensive and inaccurate. Q: Why are cellos so large? A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the cellos are large; just that the cello players' heads are so small. Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet. Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three cellos in it? A: You could fit in at least one more. Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section? A1: Half a measure. A2: A semi-tone. Q: Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated. Q: Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes? A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one. Q: Why can't a cellist play with a knife in his back? A: Because he can't lean back in his chair. Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by cello recitals. Q: What do you call a bunch of cellists in a hot tub? A: Vegetable soup. Q: Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune? A: Neither did I. Q: What is the main requirement at the "International Cello Competition?" A: Hold the cello from memory. Q: Why did the cellist marry the accordion player? A: Upward mobility. Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for cello? A: Divide the metronome marking by 2. ---------- A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the cellists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the cellist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Cello left hand, bow right." ---------- A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!" The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed cellists." ---------- A cello player decides that he's had enough of being a cello player -- unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin." The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a cello player." The cello player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?" "Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop." ---------- An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair cellist. The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said. "No problem," replied the cellist. "There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold." "I know. It'll be all right." The cellist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the cellist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one. At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the cellist took his place at the back of the cello section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you *been* for the last two weeks?" ---------- Once there was a cellist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie. "For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said. The cellist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now." The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal cellist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie. "You have two more wishes!" he said. "I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!" Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the cellist awoke, he found he was now the principal cellist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the cellist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie. "This is your last wish." the genie said. "I want you to make me yet a better musician still!" Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section. ---------- A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of cellists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one cellist every hour. ---------- A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great cellist joke. Would you like to hear it?" "I should let you know first that I am a cellist". "That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!" ---------- One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a cellist." The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!" "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a cellist." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a cellist?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old." ---------- For sale: Cello, German, 19th century. Excellent condition. Recently tuned. ======================================================================== And as if that wasn't enough, OTHER INSTRUMENTS Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A: A fiddle is fun to listen to. Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They can't get up that high! Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? A: Violins don't have spit valves. Q: Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? A: You might bend the nail. Q: Why is a cello larger than a violin? A: It's not -- the violinist's head is bigger. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A: A flat major. ---------- Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife." ---------- Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the bassoon recital. Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A: A bad oboist can kill you. Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? A1: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. A2: The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. A3: The grip. Q: What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? A: The exhaust. Q: What do you call a woman who follows the New York Symphony around? A: A symphomaniac ---------- Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones. ---------- Q: What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? A: I don't know either. Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? A: He's too sensitive. Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? A1: Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. A2: It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. Q: What is a gentleman? A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. Q: What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? A: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. Q: How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? A: His hat says "Domino's Pizza". Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? A: "Year-At-A-Glance." Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? A: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy? A: You can tune a '57 Chevy. Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A: A goalpost that can't march. Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut." Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a tuba glue. Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers. Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A: A drummer. ---------- A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator." ---------- There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. ---------- Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string." ---------- Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? A: Both suck when you plug them in. Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A: New Age music Q: What is the ideal weight for a conductor? A: About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn. ---------- A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." ---------- Q: Why did the Philharmonic disband? A: Excessive sax and violins
Never criticize someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away from them and you will have their shoes.
|
Tina I Regular user Oslo/ Norway 194 Posts |
I actually like the "Canon in D" but I have never played the cello This guy does a really cool version on guitar and he started a veritable 'Canon in D' craze on youtube. Every kid with an el guitar tried to copy him (much like what happens when someone posts a good magic trick) usually with little success.
Tina |
JRob Veteran user Central South Carolina 395 Posts |
My greatest regret is that the only rif of any kind I can play is the kazoo rif at the end of Three-Dog Night's "Old Fashioned Love song"
"Jim Roberts, AKA: Professor Jay Rob "<br>
The Professor's Facebook Page |
rossmacrae Inner circle Arlington, Virginia 2475 Posts |
How do you get a bass guitar 'hero' off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza. ---------------- Musical Terms Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels Ritard — There's one in every family Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor — A girlfriend Treble — Women ain't nothin' but Bass — The things you run around in softball Portamento — A foreign country you've always wanted to see Arpeggio — "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" High C — The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Whole Note — What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year Clef — What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off Minor Third — Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo Cello — The proper way to answer the phone French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home |
ptigue New user Alabama 95 Posts |
Quote:
ABSOLUTE GOLD! I've never seen this before and it owns me! |
Justin Style Inner circle 2010 Posts |
Wow, sorry I have nothing clever to add, but this is all very funny...hahahaha!
Funny! Thanks for the laughs! I love it! |
pepka Inner circle Uh, I'm the one on the right. 5041 Posts |
I'm laughing like crazy at some of these! Will be sharing with the guys in my band.
|
Michael Peterson Inner circle is where I'm trapped, because of my 4071 Posts |
This is some really funny stuff, I cant wait to mess with my musician friends.
Mike |
PepeRuizSJ Loyal user Dallas, TX 250 Posts |
This is hilarious stuff. I'm a musician but I had never heard musician jokes!!! I came to find them at a magic website! Hahahaha.
Keep them coming. |
Josh the Superfluous Inner circle The man of 1881 Posts |
Musician magicians who chat on line. The jokes about us just write themselves.
What do you want in a site? "Honesty, integrity and decency." -Mike Doogan
"I hate it, I hate my ironic lovechild. I didn't even have anything to do with it" Josh #2 |
Marvello Inner circle It's amazing how little I can say in 1612 Posts |
Quote:
On 2008-10-01 23:53, Josh the Superfluous wrote: good - that saves us the time and energy of having to do it ourselves, more time for chatting about music and magic.
Never criticize someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away from them and you will have their shoes.
|
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Humor for the musically inclined... (0 Likes) |
[ Top of Page ] |
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2024 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved. This page was created in 0.13 seconds requiring 5 database queries. |
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic. > Privacy Statement < |