"I’m really worried," says a nervous patient to his nurse.

"Last week, I read about a man who was in hospital because of heart trouble and he died of malaria."

"Relax," replies the nurse.

"This is a first rate hospital. When we treat you for heart trouble, you die of heart trouble."

First game of the Stanley Cup Finals, and the man taking his enviable seat in the packed house couldn't help but notice the empty chair next to him.

"Wonder who would let a great seat like this go to waste" he said to the guy across the space. "Actually, it's mine... well, actually it was my wife's, but she died."

"oh, I am sorry to hear that, but these are the Finals, couldn't you have gotten a relative or family friend interested in using the seat?"

"No, I tried, but they are all at the funeral..."

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course.

One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend.

"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

After a fun party night a guy had no cash left so he decided to walk home. He took a shortcut thru a cemetery but being drunk he fell into a freshly dug grave.

In the morning he wakes up and slowly climbs the slippery side of the grave. Takes a few steps and WHACK gets hit by a gravediggers shovel, falling back into the grave.

The gravedigger peeks into the grave. "You may stretch your legs but you cant leave the premises!"

Speaking of golf...

Jim's wife was really mad when he came home very late from golfing. As she started to complain he interrupted, "I couldn't help it. Harry had just hit a 3 iron on a very long approach to the 4th green when he clutched his chest and fell over, dead.'

"Oh, my God, that's horrible! I'm sorry to be so angry, of course you are late. I understand."

"Yeah, there was no way I could get home sooner. It was terrible. Hit a shot, drag, Harry. Hit a shot drag Harry..."

An elderly woman had two dogs for over 20 years, when they passed away on the same day. She was very attached to these dogs and still wanted to keep them around.

So she took the 2 deceased dogs to the local taxidermist and asked the if she could have her beloved pets stuffed, to which the taxidermist said "sure". Then he asked her if she wanted them mounted also.

"No" she said, just shaking hands, they weren't that close!

Sylvia Browne arrived at the pearly gates with a newspaper and told St.Peter she wanted to return to earth as the person in the newspaper story to prove that she could come back from the dead.

When asked what was the name in the story she wanted to come back as, she said "Sarah Pipelini"

Pete said "I've never heard of her - she's not one of ours"

"But her name's here right on the front page" she says.

"Let me see it" says Pete.

"You stupid Bas$£% !
It says "Sahara Pipeline laid by 400 men in five days" !

Someone died...

And that was that.

The joke's on us!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

This guy dies and goes to hell and when he gets there he finds himself at 3 doors and in front of them is a minion who tells him "picks whats ever behind any door and that's how you will spend eternity"
so he opens the first door and behind it is a bunch of people standing on there heads on sheets of plywood. then he thinks to himself "that looks uncomfortable maybe I'll see what's behind the next door."
he opens the next door and sees a bunch of people standing on there heads ontop of bricks and he thinks to hmself "ouch that's worse than the plywood"
and then he goes to see what's behind the last door and he sees a bunch of people standing knee high in manure. he thinks to himself "not too sire about the manure but i's better than the first 2 so I'll choosed this one." so he gets in and gets his coffee and just as ne's about to take his spot a minion comes out and shouts "ok guys the coffee breaks over get back on your heads.

A man dies and goes to hell. He is given the choice of three doors. He can't open the doors, but he can listen at each one.
The first door has the sounds of terrible screaming and anquish.
The second door has the same.
The third door has simply the sounds of gentle murmuring. Soft, soothing murmuring.

"I'll take this door!" the man says. He is shoved into the door which is closed behind him.

He finds himself up to his lower lip in the most awful, putrid offal imaginable.

He realizes if he stands on his tiptoes and doesn't move, he can JUST keep the horrible stuff out of his mouth.

And now that he's in the room, he can make out the words everyone is saying;

"Don't make waves! Don't make waves! Don't make waves!"

Alfonso was in Italian prison when his father died in the States. Although he couldn't come to the funeral, he loved his father and wanted him to have the very best service. So, he called his brother, Guido, and told him to spare no expense- only the best for Pop, and pay for it all out of Al's bank account.

Many months went by, and finally he got to talk with Guido again.

"Guido, looking at my bank statements, every month I see a payment going out for $682.59- it never changes and it has been going on for months. What's the deal?"

"Well, Al, when Pop died you wanted the very best. Spare no expense, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So, I buried Pop in a rented tux!"

Hey Ed, years ago I heard that joke, but with a slightly more British slant. It might be worth sharing here:

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan shows him three doors. He's allowed to look into each one, and pick the conditions in which he will spend eternity.

He opens the first door and sees a blazing fire. Thousands of people are screaming in agony while watching their own bodies burn. "Oh no," he says, "that's not for me."

He looks into the second door, and witnesses a scene from a Bosch painting: people being mercilessly devoured by horrific demons. "Oh, I can't handle that!" he cries, and closes the door.

When he opens the third door, he is immediately revolted by the putrid smell. He looks and sees thousands of people, up to their necks in a lake of excrement, drinking cups of tea. "Well," he thinks, "at least this is more civilized. I could get used to the smell."

"I'll take this door!" he says, and the Devil's minions shove him inside. He sinks down into the lake of feces, and just when it reaches his neck, he feels his feet touching solid ground below. Someone hands him a cup of tea. But just then, a bell sounds, and a loud voice announces: "OK, tea break is up. Everybody back on your heads!"

A tourist in Paris comes across a lavish wedding party making its way down the street. Thousands are on the sidewalks cheering. He asks a local who got married and east told "Je ne sais pas." He goes on his way and softer lunch comes across a huge funeral procession going down the street. Thousandss weeping as it goes by. He asks a local who died and was told "Je ne sais pas." The tourists says, "wow, he didn't last long did he?"

A doctor is speaking to his patient.

"The results of your last test are conclusive," he says. "You’ve got six months to live."

"Oh my God," says the patient. "Is there any thing I can do?"

"You could try lots of mud baths," says the doctor. "And will that cure me?" asks the patient.

"No," replies the doctor. "But it will help you get used to lying in dirt."