"I'm not the only one in my family in show business. My dad was an Elvis impersonator. Not much call for it in the '30's, though."

"Me and my wife had a candlelight dinner. They were delicious. (We eat light)."

These are a couple I picked up on the Café that tickled me. I'm looking for more zingers of this sort. I'm not looking to do a comedy magic act, where comedy is the focus, but I simply want a few good one liners to insert throughout the show, perhaps between effects to relax people, make them laugh, and lighten up the show.

Anybody know of a book or a website that would be a good source for these?

Years ago I had a book by Harry Allen, but I think it was more along the lines of snappy comebacks. Almost acid tongued. That's not the style I'm going for. I want truly good, clean laughs that even a family audience would enjoy.

Think "Aldo Columbini" and his parlor show, and you'll be on the right track.

I appreciate any help you can give pointing me in the right direction.

Aldo Columbini published at least one booklet of exactly the type of lines you're looking for, called "LOL". Some of my favorites from that booklet are:

I saw a TV commercial that said "Kiss your hemorrhoids good-bye"... Not even if I could.

Never hire a cleaning woman named "Dusty".

and (speaking of Elvis)

Do you remember what you were doing when you heard Elvis died? I was at home pulling the pins out of my Elvis doll.

.

I'm laughing my butt off just reading those! Pure, vintage Aldo! Got any more?

Ah Geez, Doug... buy the book already!

Aldo Columbini, LOL (Laughing Out Loud)

.

So far, I haven't known where it's available. that is if it's still in print.

I have all 3 of his books somewhere. I'm away this month but if I manage to hunt them out when I get home I'll send them to you.

I don't want to put you out!

To go with the hemorrhoids bit.

Saw a commercial the other day from a
Hemorrhoid clinic

The jingle was- don't suffer in silence

pause

2nd person says

I DON'T.

Yeah, hemorrhoids. If they get bad enough it may take a proctologist to rectify the situation.

Most popular toast at proctology conventions? "Here's to looking up old fiends!"

Then there's the proctologist who got evicted from his office space due to the lease payment being in arrears...

These are great!

undertaker's favorite greeting: "How are things?"

"Oh, looking up".

What would Elvis be doing today if he were still alive ?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Clawing away at the lid of his coffin ;-)

Ha!!

Magicwatcher, how about the guy who couldn't decide if he needed to see his psychiatrist or his proctologist, so he flipped a coin.

You see, if he flipped a coin he'd get either heads or .... never mind.

Good one!