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daffydoug
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I found a great website. check out http://www.headlinehumor.com.

I think you'll like it.

Daff
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Please ignore my
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Illiterate? Write for help.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Look mom! I've got
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It took me a few seconds, but I finally got that last one!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Tate
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I used to read actual classified ads out of the paper and got laughs. How? I read straight across several columns of ads as if it were one ad. Example "Large black doberman, must type 40 words per minute, recently refinished, gets 30 miles to the gallon." Ok, I just made this one up, but still. I would fudge sometimes and not read straight across, but move up and down a little, to get good phrases.

Tate
Trois
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Myrtle Beach
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Did something like that in the boy scouts.
Not clever enough to come up with something orginal, or did I.
Parson Smith
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Good actual headline... Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Here kitty, kitty,kitty. Smile
+++a posse ad esse+++
Whitewolfny
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Tate, sounds like a wonderful idea for adding humor to a routine. Thanks for the idea. Proctologist cleaned out by scam artist, film at 11.
Braxton Mannar
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Bill Ligon
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I see here that a patient escaped from the mental hospital and raped a woman. The headline reads, "NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS!"

...and the sub-head reads, "HACKSAW AWL! COPPER NAILS NUT!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Neznarf
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I told that joke 20 years ago at a festival I was doing my magic show at. I had forgotten it. Now...it's back in. THANKS!!!

Quote:
On 2005-01-22 03:21, Belleque wrote:
Special report - Local Police station robbed of 20 toilet seats. Officers say they have nothing to go on!

Okay it's as old as the hills but it had to be posted!
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
sjdavison
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Ha! Great Post.

'Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy'

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
" ... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
" We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

Genius. Restores my faith in humanity!!

Simon
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
blazes816
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"New book released today 'Confederacy's guide to successful seccesion'."
Antony Gerard
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Hi Doug

I used to do a routine where I read a few amusing classified ads from a newspaper. My attention than shifted to a "Dear Abby" column where a magicians wife was complaining about her husbands faults. As I read the column it dawned on me that it wasn’t just any magicians wife, it was my wife. I denied the allegations and proceeded to tear up the paper in anger saying: “They are lies (first tear), lies (second tear), lies (third tear),lies (fourth tear), all lies (fifth tear). As I made the last tear in the paper, my eye caught another amusing ad. I stopped tearing and started to read the new found story. A few sentences into this story it said: “continued on page 13”. I looked at the audience, then at the torn pieces of paper, and finally back at the audience. I would shrug my shoulder, restore the paper, turn to page 13, and finish the story.

With the right patter this story line would work for both lay and magicians audiences. For a magicians audience, a Karrell Fox routine comes to mind. Karrell would be interrupted during his show with a phone call from his wife. He would repeat everything she said for the benefit of the audience. My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

Hope you enjoy
Antony Gerard
joseph
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Evidence sought in disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa....So far, nothing concrete.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Scott Compton
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Hampton, VA
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Quote:
On 2005-07-15 17:55, Antony Gerard wrote:
Hi Doug

I used to do a routine where I read a few amusing classified ads from a newspaper. My attention than shifted to a "Dear Abby" column where a magicians wife was complaining about her husbands faults. As I read the column it dawned on me that it wasn’t just any magicians wife, it was my wife. I denied the allegations and proceeded to tear up the paper in anger saying: “They are lies (first tear), lies (second tear), lies (third tear),lies (fourth tear), all lies (fifth tear). As I made the last tear in the paper, my eye caught another amusing ad. I stopped tearing and started to read the new found story. A few sentences into this story it said: “continued on page 13”. I looked at the audience, then at the torn pieces of paper, and finally back at the audience. I would shrug my shoulder, restore the paper, turn to page 13, and finish the story.

With the right patter this story line would work for both lay and magicians audiences. For a magicians audience, a Karrell Fox routine comes to mind. Karrell would be interrupted during his show with a phone call from his wife. He would repeat everything she said for the benefit of the audience. My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

Hope you enjoy
Antony Gerard



Brilliant!
Magic is an art. I am merely a tour guide.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Scott-Compton-Magician/160270640674735

"You are the magic" Jay Ose to Albert Goshman
funny_gecko
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Man gave a penny for his thoughts but was charged his two cents

Man payed to go to top of large building then payed to look down

a record number of tourists of Mexico have been leid

secret closer full of identical clothes found in einsteins basement

Plane crashed at 6:00 last night.. police say it is best to send a search in the morning

Woman missing.. kinda loks like mary but with a differnt face....

Glue factory robbed.. police are really stuck on this one.

a large pooh bear was found on the street... police have the pooh bear in custody

stuffed bear found.. goes by the name of winnie

Vampire bat escapes from zoo... residents advised to wear garlic
God-glorified
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Quote:
On 2005-02-15 12:49, joseph wrote:
Illiterate? Write for help.....

I LIKE IT!!!
Ephes. 2:8-9



For by GRACE are ye saved through faith; and that NOT OF YOURSELVES: it is the gift of God: NOT OF WORKS, lest any man should boast.
Antony Gerard
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One thing that I forgot to do in my last post was elaborate on the Karrell Fox idea. I said:

“My favorite line from Karrell’s routine is when he said to his wife: “You say you dropped my set of rings and broke one, but not to worry because you brought it to a welder and had it repaired. Oh and the money you used to pay for the repair was the change that I had in those little plastic holders in my briefcase….”

I should also have mentioned that the lines above, that Karrell used, should be modified and read as if they were being read from a Dear Abby column. You want it to sound like the wife had the rings repaired and the husband complained about it.

The Dear Abby routine was my own idea and please feel free to use it. However if you plan to put it into print please ask me first for permission.

Take care and take cards
Antony Gerard
PS: Thank you Compton for the compliment.


idea
Salazar Magic
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Studies show that 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions
daffydoug
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Antony,

thanks for the tip!

Been a long time since I last chatted with you on the phone. I know you are busy with the shop, so I try to keep out of your hair.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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The meeting of the Procrastinators' Club has been postponed.
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
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