I recieved a funny email from a friend regarding puns and I thought I'd share them with ya'll.

Here are the top ten winners in the International Pun Contest :



1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ........ A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

Any other puns you have, or funny wordplay, please feel free to share!

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Man! That makes me mad! GGGRRR!!!

Tarzan got caught by canibals. These canibals made music instruments out of body parts...you know...drums from the skin, xylophones from the ribs, etc.
The chief made an instrument from the tripes of his intestines. They danced and sang all night celebrating their capture of the great Tarzan...The chief was so happy that he felt like playing Tarzan's tripes forever!

I can't remember where I heard that one. Hope it made you go GGGRRRR!!!

Did you hear about the man who ran naked into the church? The police caught him by the organ.

That's gotta hurt.

A good pun is its own reword.

What about the bus driver on Sesame Street:

First stop: two fat girls named patti
Second stop: a handicapped boy named ross
Third stop: lester sneed who had a bad case of bunions and he was always picking them

The route was known as two obese patties, special ross, lester sneed picking bunions on the sesame street run.

http://www.wordplaythemovie.com/

Did you hear about the bomb in the kitchen? Linoleum blown apart.

Now a true story:

Years ago, I worked as a chef in a restaurant that my dad, my brother (Dan), and I owned. One night my brother brought a friend of his into the kitchen to meet me. The guy said, "I have known Dan for a long time."

I instantly said, "Well, I hope you won't judge a cook by his brother."

Mormon missionaries go by the title elder if they are male, and sister if they are female... There was a funny movie called "suits on the loose" that centered on a couple of mormon missionaries... One elder made the following statement:

If my last name was elder, I'd be elder elder. If I had a sister serving a mission I could say, "I'm elder elder, and this is my elder sister, sister elder"

That's funny stuff

If a male cow swallowed a bomb, it would be a-bomb-in-a-bull (abominable). Once the bomb went off, it would be no-bull (noble).

Did you hear the one about Nate the snake? It seems that one fine day many, many, many thousands of years ago, God saw how dejected and miserable Nate the snake looked down there on Earth. So God decided to do something to boost Nate's morale. Because everything had already been created by God, there wasn't much new that God could give Nate the snake. So God created a magic lever made out of solid gold. He presented the lever to Nate the snake and said, "Here is a lever for you to guard with your life, Nate. You must always protect this magic lever for it is fashioned out of solid gold and is extremely valuable to me." Nate was very happy that God had given him such an important duty, and immediately his dreary disposition brightened.

Things were going well for many months as Nate stood guard over the golden magic lever. However, one day an earthquake rocked the area. A large boulder perched high on a cliff overlooking the spot where Nate was guarding the magic lever came loose during the violent shaking. The boulder plummeted to the ground. Nate looked up and saw the falling boulder but he had no time to get out of the way. The boulder landed directly on top of Nate the snake, and that was the tragic end of him. Fortunately the falling boulder missed the precious golden lever by a mere two feet, and the magic lever remained laying there in the grass.

A week or two later, God came strolling along to see how things were going with Nate. God wanted to check up on his magic, golden lever. Soon, he came upon the boulder and the lever still laying in their original places, and Nate the snake was nowhere to be found. Upon closer inspection and much to his dismay, God immediately knew what had happened. As he sat there cradling the golden magic lever and crying over the untimely and tragic death of Nate the snake, God couldn't help but look over at the boulder and think to himself: Better Nate than lever.

The King once asked the Court Jester how great his skill as a punster was.

The Jester replied, "I can make a pun on any subject."

The King said, "Then make a pun about me."

To which the Jester replied, "Alas, your Majesty, this would be impossible. The King is not a subject."

Two baby seals walk into a club...

*Ding Dong* *Opens door* "Hello PETA!" =]

-Vinnie

I thoughts puns were for kids, not for groan adults.

I have been collecting the works of Austrian composers. I have had trouble finding some, it seems they always Haydn.

Farmers are well known for being outstanding in their field.

Hamurabi was displeased by the advice of counselor, who, fearing for his life, fled the court. Hamurabi called for his army, and sent his best general to find the errant counselor. The counselor, rumoured to be a Magician, was crafty at hiding himself, but a penchant for blazing up was his undoing. The general spotted a column of smoke rising from an uncompleted step-pyramid, where the counselor was apprehended at last. Thus....

"The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggerauts may be hazardous to your stealth."


A chef at a summer camp within an aquatic park was responsible for feeding both campers and marine life. The morning meal was usually announced, "That's breakfast ...for all in tents and porpoises."

On Patricia Wauk's first day as a loan agent a most unusual client arrived: A talking frog with immense lips. "I want to borrow money. I've got this here golden Buddha as collateral...what'll you give me?"

"Well, I don't know just yet...say, how is it you can talk, anyway?"

"I was cloned, from a frog and DNA provided by Mick Jagger. Now, how about that cash?"

"I'll see what I can do."

Patricia went back to her manager, who exploded when he heard of her reluctance over the transaction. "But sir, even if he is one of our best clients, he's a TALKING FROG and he's offering a STATUE as collateral!"

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wauk, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

Okay, I'll leave now...

I wrote this poem a long time ago... It's been printed in Linking Ring, Visions, and the Mandala. Have a good read!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I originally stole the idea from an old joke, and then re-wrote it into a poem to fit my "Cowboy" image.

First, you need to find you a glass eye. In my case, I use the plastic eyeball that you can buy at any novelty shop. And for those who can't find one.. drop me a line.. they are about US$3.00 plus shipping.

Start with the eyeball loosely in your hand. I then hook my thumbs behind my lapels on my top coat. You may feel free to change it as you wish. I've put the handling and presentation tips within parenthesis so you can follow the story with the necessary actions and acting. So, here goes:

How I Met My Wife

Early one evening in a Saloon I sat,
Next to a pretty young gal, so I tipped my hat.
(I tip my hat and return my hand back to the lapel of my coat.)
We started to talk and had a nice converse,
Discussing the mysteries of the universe!

Now being old fashioned, I started to think,
That maybe I should buy her a drink,
So I made her an offer with out any strings,
But a big no she nodded, I'd ruffled her wings.
(I pause after the word "nodded", and look disappointed.)

Then from off her face I say something fly, (I look shocked)
Shining and gleaming, it was her glass eye.
(Introduce the glass eye by dropping it on the table, this is a humorous moment by itself.)
It hit the bar with a resounding ping,
I had never before seen such a thing!

It rolled to the edge and off it dropped.
(Help it roll to the edge of the table and catch it in your hand.)
I reached out my hand where it finally stopped!
(Hold it up in your outstretched hand, prepare for a French drop.. yes this is it a FRENCH DROP?!? Can you believe it!)

I handed it over, and to my chagrin,
(Execute the French drop. I wear glasses so the dirty hand then removes my glasses.. reinforcing the drop)
Into her socket, she slipped it right in!
(Slam the clean hand into your head, thus vanishing the eye into your own socket. I return my glasses to
my head with both hands, carefully concealing the eye, and my hand return to my lapels.)

Well even with that, her heart could be won,
So I asked if she was seeing someone?
(This one will go over most peoples head, so I groan after saying it)
Yeah, with my foot in my mouth, tasting real great,
So told me that she would make us a date!
(I now get excited while saying this)

Dinner and dancing, and one time fling,
Soon turned into a regular thing.
Weeks to months, the time passed by,
I even forgot about her glass eye.
(Do a real non-chalant pop up move and then stare at the eye yourself in disbelief, another comical moment occurs here if played right.)

Now here I stand after the ceremony
Wedded with bliss, joined in holy matrimony,
Wondering how she became my wife,
And wanted to spend the rest of her life,

With the likes of me, so I asked her why,
She said, "You're the first cowboy who caught my eye!"
(Toss the eye in a high arc from one hand to the other on the word "who". Timing is really important on this for it to be funny.)

The End.

I would really like to know who uses it and what kind of reactions they get! I have written other poems for use with my character, and I find poetry works well for me, but have not seen many others use it as a tool for patter. Anyway I hope you enjoy!

Magically yours,

Diamond Jim Davis "The Cardslinger"

A man drives an old Datsun car, which, for it's age, runs surprisingly well. One day the car breaks down, and the mechanic explains that the cog needs replaced. The problem, though, is that since this is a discontinued automobile, the cog can only be ordered from one source overseas, and worse, the cogs have to be purchased in a crate of 100. The mechanic explains that it isn't worth it to order a whole crate of these cogs, since he'll likely never have another customer who needs this part for this car. So, the man sits down and does some math, and instead of buying a new car, he discovers that it would actually be cheaper to fly overseas and buy the crate of cogs himself, which he does. On the return trip, the airplane starts running low on fuel, and the pilot orders all excess weight to be thrown out. The man holds on to the one precious cog that he needs, and throws the rest out the door. Cooincidentally, the rest of the cogs fall on to a farmer's field, and the startled farmer runs in to his house and tells his wife that the weather's getting bad outside. She asks what the problem is. His reply? "It's raining Datsun cogs".

A small island was inhabited by a group of people called Trigs. The Trigs loved to read, and one of their favorite stories was the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Well, one Trig, the bully of the tribe, identified with the troll. Everytime a trig went to cross the bridge going to civilization, he drop kicked them back to their village. They began to run low on supplies, but the bully trig wouldn't let them cross the bridge. As a last resort, they went to their religious leader, a rabbi missionary. The rabbi thought he might have better luck crossing the bridge to get supplies for the village. Unfortunately, not...when the rabbi went to cross the bridge, the bully trig didn't drop kick him like he did the other trigs. He slam dunked him into the top of a palm tree...leaving the rabbi with one question....why was he slam dunked, but the others drop kicked?? Bully Trig replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trigs!"

Junior was sitting in the back seat of the car begging for a rest stop since he had to go to bathroom. His father did not believe him, and pooh pooh'ed the idea.