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prettylady1990
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Hi all
I have just started my magic story and was wondering if you would rate what I have so far>




One day a pretty little girl named Indy was walking through the school fair. Indy loved the school fair, she went on rides, brought fairy floss and just hanged out with her friends. This year there was a new attraction, It’ was a magician. Indy had never seen one before so she crept up to back of the audience to watch. Indy was quite short for a 13yr old girl, so she couldn’t see the magician, but the magician saw her. After the show the magician spotted Indy crying on a bench. She said, “I hate being small, I get picked on, and I couldn’t even watch your show Mr Magician man.” Indy looked up at him and he made a hanky appear to wipe her tears.

Than he fumbled in his bag and gave her a wand and a magic book. She was so thrilled she forgot to say thankyou. That same afternoon she flipped through the pages and practised. Every lunch she sat by herself practising tricks after tricks as she had no friends to sit with.

Then a group of bullies arrived and started calling her names and saying mean things like “you’re a witch, your such a baby” then ran off. She became very upset. She had a show booked that afternoon for the Royal Brisbane Children’s Hospital. But she was too nervous, after the bullies had been so mean. That afternoon when her mum told her it was time to go to the show….

There was no answer. She knocked but knows one replied, so she went in and saw her all dressed up but crying as she was nervous. “What’s wrong Indy? Your show is going to start soon”. And guess what, do you remember the magician at the fair who gave you the wand?” said Indy’s mother. “Yes” Indy said as she wiped hers tears on her shirt, why?” “Because he rang and said he’ll be there to cheer you on.” Her mother said.

Indy got excited but was still very nervous. She had a smile back on her face and packed her things up and they were on their way.
Because of all the traffic they were held up. It was now 4:20pm and the show was supposed to start at 4:00pm. They eventually pulled up in front of the glamorous four story Royal Brisbane Children’s Hospital.

A volunteer was at the service desk and showed them where to go. While they were in the lift she checked twice through her bag to make sure all her gimmicks were all in order. Once they reached the forth floor they walked down the corridor and Indi suddenly started to cry as she was scared. Indi said, “What if I f**k it all up.” “You will be fine darling and watch your mouth.” her mum said confidently.

As they reached the door the magician from the show greeted them. The magician came up to Indi and gave her a present. He handed it to her and she opened it and there was a beautiful magician’s hat with a cape. She was so pleased and hugged him. Then she prepared herself to perform the show. She proudly put her new cape and hat on.

The nurse came out to say that all the patients have been waiting for us.

The magician went in first and introduced her to the 20 very sick children. She walked in and all her nervousness just left once she entered. She introduced her self and then it began. First she performed the magic trick “Professors Nightmare” And they all loved it. She then proudly performed 5 more tricks when suddenly something awful happened.

One of the patients was up helping Indi performing a trick when suddenly he collapsed. One of the nurses rushed in and checked his pulse. It was very faint. They then asked Indi and her mother and the magician to wait outside. In a matter of minutes he was rushed out of the ward in a stretcher and an oxygen mask.

Indi couldn’t believe it. She sat there in shock. Ten minutes later a nurse came out to tell them what happened. They said that he was still very weak and it took a bit too much energy out of him. She then sadly explained that he fell into a coma. Indi burst out into tears. The nurse comforted her.

The nurse said that the best thing would be for them to leave. Indi grabbed her things and they left the hospital. Once they arrived home Indi ran up stairs in tears. She yelled “It’s my entire fault; I’m never doing magic again!” When she reached her room she ripped all her posters of magicians off the walls and grabbed anything to do with magic and threw it under the bed. She just sat there in tears.

Her mum came and knocked on the door. Indi let her in, her mother tried to explain that it wasn’t her fault but she wouldn’t believe it.
Cliffg37
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Long Beach, CA
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Well Pretty Lady,

This is a wonderful story. Is it a story or is it part autobographical? As a teacher, I can atest that there are 13 year old girls today who would use strong profanity in front of their mothers, but when I was 13 that was rare. I think the story of the girl meeting the magican, if it is not true may as well be. I think lots of magicain have taken the down trodden under thier wing. That kind of happened to me once.

If you want critisim (if you don't just skip this paragraph) the pace is too fast. If this is a short story or a magazine submission, you need to slow it down. Lets meet Indy before she gets to the fair. Lets learn a bit about her. Does she alway have a foul mouth? Does she always get picked on? is there a Dad in the picture? What kind of student is she? Does she have any friends? I would have liked to see a conversation between the magician and Indy before he just hands her a book and wand, and another as the meet again in the hospital. Lastly what happened in the hosipital between the time she started and the patient collapsed? Was their dailog? did she get applause, did she drop mouths? If this critisism bothers you, please don't get upset. I am on your side.

Over all I like the story, it has the making of a very exciting tale. Keep it going, and good luck.
Magic is like Science,
Both are fun if you do it right!
Partizan
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London UK
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Indi is a rocking magician. She sent a dude into a coma with the Profs nightmare!!!
Just think what she could do on TV. I bet she soon gets a call by the CIA and gets used as a biological weapon to wipe out martians.
And she swears like a sailor, She would make a cooool comic book character Smile

Go get 'em Indi!
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
- Mark Twain
Michael Baker
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Eternal Order
Near a river in the Midwest
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Prettylady1990,

I see much promise here, and I found myself caught up in wanting to know where you were going, and caring about Indy (Indi?), but I do however, agree with Cliffg37. I felt myself wanting more info at times. You seem to have the direction this is going well in hand, but you may want the reader to know where you are at any given moment with savory bits of framing. You have emphasized moods and emotions, now let us have setting and characterization. A more defined timeline would help, too. Be sure to point up spaces in time so the reader is easily able to understand, "Does the action resumes later that day, the next day, in a week, a month?"

Like Cliffg37, these comments are entirely meant to help, and I hope you read them as such. Good luck... I'd like to see your next work.

~michael
~michael baker
The Magic Company
prettylady1990
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Hi
thanks all for the help
I will take it all on board and when I finsih wiritng I I will repost it, I was bored one day so that's why I wrote it. hank you fro taking the time to read it
okito25
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Victoria BC Canada
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Smile Smile Hope it turns out well : |Yer Keeping me In suspense ... I wanna Know NOWWWWWWWWW , Not like a Book where I can read the end :|,My Kids liked it too Smile
Shane Wiker
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That's a great story Dannielle!

I hope you decide to finish it so we can all find out what happens.

:)
Shane Wiker
Bill Hallahan
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New Hampshire
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I like your story a lot. Thanks! You're a good writer.

If you really want to polish your writing skills, study a little book titled, The Elements of Style, by William Strunk. This book is often used in college writing courses, but it can easily be read by someone your age, especially someone as bright as you obviously are.

Professor Strunk asserts that one must first know the rules to break them.
Humans make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to create boredom. Quite astonishing.
- The character of ‘Death’ in the movie "Hogswatch"
prettylady1990
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HI every one again,
okito did you show this to your kids? Im honoured. I only wrote it for a bit of fun. He He. I have writen a bit more and have fixed up alot. Im nearlly done. But you'll have to stay in suspenece a bit longer
okito25
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Victoria BC Canada
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My step Daughter and Son are 12 each .. and they spend time writing short stories , or Plays even .. generally with a magic theme , probably I have stifled thier imaginations for anything else BUT Magical themes Smile, perhaps a colloaberation of magical short stories would be cool, I showed them your story A: because it is a good start and B: to let them know that others in thier age range enjoy writing and have a creative edge as well.
Keet Smile
adgnyc
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A very promising beginning. I agree with Bill that "The Elements of Style" is the classic book about writing, though it concerns itself mostly with grammar, diction, and composition. For fiction writing, which is the direction in which you seem to be headed, there is a wonderful book called "What If?" It is by Anne Bernays and Pamela Painter, and comprises many thught-provoking exercises to get you going. Give it a look -- and keep wrtiting!
Adam Green
New York, NY
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