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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Whats Your Favourite Heckler Stoppers? (1 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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jonthewierdo
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What follows are my 22 Favourite heckler Stoppers and these 22 one liners have got me out of practically every situation in my performing career when a come back was needed....

The question is what are your favourite Heckler Stoppers and put downs etc?

01) He didn’t get a Birth Certificate (pause) his parents got an apology from Durex!

02) He’s just had a personality bypass operation (pause) unfortunately it failed!

03) He’s like a broken tape recorder (pause) brain on rewind and mouth on fast forward.

04) Look what happens when Cousin’s marry.

05) Go and sit against the wall (pause) that’s plastered as well.

06) Don’t move (pause) I want to forget you just the way you are now!

07) That was quite funny Sir (pause) only quite funny (pause) that’s why I’m standing up here and you’re sitting down there.

08) I think they’ve let him out for the night (pause) isn’t care in the community a wonderful thing?

09) Why shouldn’t you make a joke? (Pause) after all your parents did.

10) Did you hear that? (Pause) that was the voice of a Lark! (pause) A Pil-Lark!

11) I tell you what Sir, lets do a double act? I’ll sing Swanee River (pause) and you can jump in it!

12) Join hands with your friend’s mate and show us what a dope ring looks like!

13) You’re about as much use as a one armed weight lifter with cramp.

14) I bet you’re about as popular as a RattleSnake in a lucky dip!

15) Is that a Moustache? (Pause) or has your eyebrow popped down for a drink? (pause) I tell you what Sir with a nose like that I wouldn’t have underlined it! (Pause) Incidentally did you pick that nose yourself (pause) or does it run in the family?

16) Nice Jacket your wearing Sir! (pause) I bet there’s a Ford Cortina outside with no seat covers.

17) Where do you live Sir? (Wait for answer) well that’s a coincidence my Uncle’s working in that area tonight (pause) he’s a burglar!

18) (Point at an empty table and say) Please put your hands together for the Japanese Kamikaze Pilots reunion party!

19) (no laughs) And some fell on stony ground!

20) (no laughs) No laughs for that one (pause) well you must have heard it (pause) you were all facing this way.

21) (no laughs) Look Guys (pause) it might be a night out for you (pause) but for me it’s a career!

22) (no laughs) Is this an audience or a bloody judge and jury?

Enjoy!
Dannydoyle
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Careful using these lines. They lead down a dark path to say the least. Better to not let the show get to that point in the first place.
Danny Doyle
<BR>Semper Occultus
<BR>In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act....George Orwell
jonthewierdo
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Actually it can be funnier to make situations happen which lead to these gags being needed.

Some top acts made their name and riches doing exactlt that!
felix501
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How many people have seen a magician get heckled?

I don't think I have... Maybe UK audiences are gentler, but magic is not like standup, you don't see heckling much if at all.

These put downs seem pretty strong to me - I guess you'd only want to use them in extremis?

F
Caveat Lector
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It really depends on the venue you are working. These remarks are hardly extreme, I work a lot of rock shows opening for national and local bands, and if you are not ready for hecklers you will get eaten alive. I must say that my show is quite a bit different in material then most and some of the venues I play most of you would never even consider. But, I live in NYC and you get hecklers from time to time. When I work showrooms I don't have this problem, but I sure do have a good time with a rowdy audience, but that is just my personal preference.
Corrupting the art of magic, one show at a time
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jonnygold
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Why should I say such things to people who pay me money.Better invite him on stage to perform for the first time the "reverse bullet catch".
Caveat Lector
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You should never put down an audience member or a volunteer unless they are asking for it. I usually give them a few warning shots to let them know that they are getting out of hand. But if they continue I start with mild comebacks and then go to the more harsher ones. This is only used in a situation where you are getting heckled or a volunteer is trying to upstage you. Sometimes you need to take control of the situation before it gets out of hand. But, you should never ever just come right out and attack someone who is trying to help you out.
Corrupting the art of magic, one show at a time
www.underworldent.com
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BenSchwartz
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I always use this at a dinner party or something when the entire company from work is there. example.... I am doing a comedy magic show for a morgatge office christmas party.. one person starts heckling me.. I look at the audience and say... well I now know that this company is an equal opportunity employer!
"The experience of astonishment is the experience of a clear, primal state of mind that they associate with a child's state of mind." ---- Paul Harris
Dannydoyle
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If the audience is having a good time let them go for a while. The audience will stop him for you. Never let it deteriorate into an insult contest.
Danny Doyle
<BR>Semper Occultus
<BR>In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act....George Orwell
BenSchwartz
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Not for my style..... it fits my character
"The experience of astonishment is the experience of a clear, primal state of mind that they associate with a child's state of mind." ---- Paul Harris
trickychris
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The topic is "whats your fav. heckler stoppers?" not "what do you think of heckling" so let me offer one:
"i wish you were a statue.........and I was a pigeon"
BobGreaves
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A gun.
Bill Ligon
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Great, Bob! LOL!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
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magicmanila
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I do kids parties, whenever someone heckles me I just talk LOUDER!!!

KID:"hey I already know tha...
MAGICIAN:"AND NOW FOR MY NEXT EFFECT!!!" LOL!

and sometimes I just ignore them.
PERFORM MAGIC AND NOT "PUZZLES" so the audience wont try to "figure out how its done".

KEEP THE MAGIC ALIVE!!!
felix501
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Hey, don't drink on an empty head...
Jailhouse Jonny
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My favourite:
"Do you go to the ballet and try to trip the dancers?"
Minimaniack
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Very funny in deed, even if it's not your style or taste then you have to admit that they may one day come in very handy............."sit down in your chair,,, I'll plug it in in a moment"... or swear profusely....., hey you have'nt met the four year olds around here!!!!
Far 2 fat and far 2 furious!!!!
mrmystic
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I once had a drunken uncle heckling me through out my whole show and at the end I started making balloons he yells "What do I make?" without thinking I said "By the looks of you, minimum wage!" Everyone laughed and he left the party. I later apoligized to my client. They said no problem, they had been waiting years for someone to put him in his place and gave me a big tip.

A kid says "That's not REAL magic." I say "Yea, while that's not your REAL father either kid!" Just kidding, I would never really say that... again.
Bridgewater
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My favorite comes from the late Harry Blackstone Jr.: "I beg your pardon sir, but you don't have any lines in this show."
"Don't run with those..."
Mike Baxter
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Heard this recently on CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corp). Wish I knew who created it:

"Are we just now seeing the long-term effects of children's aspirin!" Smile
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