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jonthewierdo
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Hi everyone,

Would be interested in hearing what your favourite one liner Jokes are, 30 of my favourites are listed below, all of which I haave used professionally to great effect and laughter (in right circumstances)

Please post your favourite one liners in this thread...

01) I’ve noticed that a few children have managed to sneak into the show tonight (pause) so if they could all move to that corner of the room please (pause) it’s just that I’ve only got one hand grenade!

02) Now don’t get the wrong idea I love Kids (pause) but obviously I couldn’t eat a whole one.

03) Seriously though if any kids have sneaked in that was just a little joke (pause) Jolly good Father Christmas is Dead!

04) As some younger ones have managed to sneak in, lets play a little game of Simple Simon! Simple Simon Says Hands on your legs. Simple Simon says Hands on your Head. Simple Simon says Fingers in Your Ears (pause and then into next gag which is mucky and as such makes this gag funny)

05) There was a Lesbian, A Pakistani, Two Homosexuals, 3 Asians and an Irish Bloke in a pub (Pause) what a fine example of an integrated community!

06) Anyone in from Halifax? (Pause) I went there once (pause) it was shut!

07) Anyone in from Ireland? (Pause) this will all be new to you then won’t it? (Pause) You know Gas, Water, Electric!

08) Anyone in from Scotland? (Pause) some of those Scottish towns are really small aren’t they? (Pause) I went to one once, it was so small that all the road signs were back to back!

09) Nice venue this (Pause) although to be honest I’ve never worked in a Skip before!

10) Were did they get the furniture from? (Pause) MFI?

11) You know what MFI stands for don’t you? (pause) Made For Idiots.

12) I met one of the barmaids earlier, she’s got a glass eye (Pause) she didn’t tell me intentionally (Pause) it just dropped out in conversation.

13) She’s got an embarrassing mole on her neck as well! (Pause) Very embarrassing (Pause) It kept jumping up and swinging on her earring!

14) They say that Laughter is the best medicine (Pause) unless your Diabetic and then Insulin seems to work much better!

15) Seriously though (pause) Where would we be without a laugh? (pause) Here! (as you say the tag line of Here! Also nod your head to emphasise the gag.)

16) I was in the restaurant down the road earlier and there was this woman next to me (pause) she had Frogs Legs and Chickens Breasts (Pause) but she had a smashing personality.

17) Whilst in the restaurant I heard that your Local Football team has just been offered a new sponsorship deal with Tampax (Pause) apparently they’ll have to accept it as they’ve been going through a bad period at the moment.

18) I’ve just noticed that it’s heaving in here tonight! (Pause) personally I blame the Scampi!

19) Incidentally for all you T-Totaller’s who don’t drink Alcohol, they have just started selling Virgin Cola behind the bar! Which reminds me that Virgin Cola has a lot in common with a Virgin Bride (Pause) in both cases you have to get the ring on your finger before you can open her up!! (pause) Actually I’ve heard rumours of 7-Up!!

20) The bar manager in here’s a bit strange (pause) he was telling me earlier that yesterday he served a White Talking Horse which wondered in off the street. (Pause) Apparently this White Horse came in, walked over to the bar and said, “I’ll have a double Whiskey Please!” (Pause) to which our friendly bar manager said “Well that’s a coincidence, we sell a Whiskey named after you!” (Pause) to which the White Horse said, “In that case I’ll have a double George please!”

21) They sell some funny coloured drinks these days don’t they? (Pause) which reminds me, what’s Green and gets you ****ed? (Pause) a giro!

22) On a serious note, you girl’s need to be careful these days, its all to easy for a bloke to take advantage when you’ve had one too many. Or indeed to make a real idiot of yourself just because it seems a good idea whilst your drunk. I mean I was walking home the other night and I saw this young woman stood in a doorway with her skirt lifted up around her waist (pause) nickers around her ankles (pause) leaning up against a wall (pause) eating a bag of chips! I said to her “Do you realise your knickers are around your ankles and your skirt is around your waist (pause) your giving everyone a right show you know love!” (Pause) to which she said, “You mean the ***s buggered off?” (pause) Well it takes all sorts!


23) I was very close to winning the National Lottery last week (pause) oh yes very close! (pause) The guy next door won it!

24) Seriously though, if I ever won the Lottery the first thing I’d do is give my girlfriend some plastic surgery (pause) I’d cut up all her credit cards.

25) To be honest I’m not really mean (pause) in fact I’m always buying my girlfriend presents (pause) the other week I bought her a Tupperware bra (pause) it doesn’t do much for your figure (pause) but it keeps what you’ve got very fresh!

26) Then there was the time when I was going to buy her a new car! I asked her what she thought of The Renault Five (pause) she said, “I think their all innocent!”

27) I picked her up in a nightclub using one of my corny chat up lines. I told her I was a racing driver, to which she replied “I bet your Hard-on tyres!” (Sounds like hard-on tires) – (pause) to which I said, “I bet it doesn’t!”

28) Then I went for the kill and used my best line (pause) I said “Actually I’m an insect surgeon (pause) so if you’ll come back to my house with me (pause) I’ll gladly show you the inside of a Fly! (at this point visually unzip your trousers to emphasise the gag)

29) Suprisingly she did come home with me, so we both attempted to make love on my waterbed! (pause) But her half froze (pause) and she called my half the Dead Sea.

30) I wouldn’t say my girlfriend was old when I got with her (pause) but one day I told her to act her age (pause) and she died!

Enjoy!
Herrick, Jeff
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You can't be serious?
I'm not looking to be a big star in magic
and that's working out REALLY good so far.
jonthewierdo
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Most Serious, I've earnt a fortune over the years using gags like this...

Its not what you do but the way that you do it!

Indeed a crap gag deliverede well will get a bigger laugh than a badly delivered funny line!
JonathanM
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I really like this one. I heard a comedian use this the other day, and I just "said it" on stage that evening. You can ADD this one in any routine. I typed the "line" in caps below.
"I put a ring on this sting the other day (pause) I WAS SITTING BY MYSELF (pause) NO ONE WAS TALKING TO ME BECAUSE I HAD JUST DONE A SHOW (pause for a good 5 seconds)Then, go on with normal patter. This really catches some by surprise and can be really funny.
Jonathan Meyer
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
www.jonathanmagic.com
Bill Ligon
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What? Maybe I missed something.
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Tyler_Magician
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Same here Bill. I am lost...
Elliott Hodges
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Some really funny ones there.
keep it up.
Tony S
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I'm lost on that one too.
We are all about as successful as we choose to be.



www.anthonysisti.com
KyletheGreat
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I went to the store to buy a candle holder...but the store did not have any...so instead I bought a cake!

My whole family is highly lactose intolerant...when haveing our photo taken, we cannot even say cheese!

I went to a stationary store the other day...and they had left...I don't know why a stationary store has any business moving for!

You know what happened to the little indian that drank too much tea? He drowned in his Tee Pee!

My wife got a mud facial the other day...and it made her face look soooo much better...then the mud fell off!

I'm on a roll...that's why I have butter on my pants!
Kyle Jarrard
"Entertainment at its Best"

http://www.kylesmagic.com
http://www.hypnobilly.com
Sven Heubes
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Harry Anderson used that "butter"-line in his show...

He had a good one for a female participant onstage who obviously had fun and enjoyed the show: "Have you ever had that much fun without havin' to take a shower after?..."

He had another one I liked. But that one just workes for him or only very few performers. He asked for her name. "Sandy." she replied. "Ooh, Sandy - nice! I'm Harry (hairy), but then aren't we all?..."

Think I go to change my name to Harry when I perform in english spoken countrys...
If you were half as good as you think you are, you would be double as good as you think you are...

Dai Vernon
flobiwan
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Speaking of name gags, I spell my name with two d's (Fredd) and I'll introduce myself a lot like this. "I'm Fredd. That's with two d's. F as in fed, R as in red, E as in Ed, D as in dead, D as in dead."

Spoken fast, this gets a good response.

Fredd
kOnO
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(pause)

kOnO
It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Lyndel
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Even if you can hit the glass table top four out of five times when you're clipping your toenails, your wife will never truly appreciate your skill.

When it comes to telling her age, my wife is shy.....about ten years shy.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Lyndel
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Lyndel
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Life is strange. As I sit here, day after day, I often wonder how my wife, who had a promising mud-wrestling career, wound up running a cash register at Walmart.

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.

Don't judge, you idiot.

If I were a conquering alien, I'd skip right past New York and Washington, DC, and head straight for Mount Rushmore so I could laser-beam some pimples, earrings and Groucho glasses on the presidents. Nothing like a little humor to win over a hostile crowd.


Lyndel
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Professor Piper
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"My wife...Bless her...I knew I'd found Ms. Right...

....I just didn't know her first name was "Always"..."


Prof. Piper
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"Nemo has been found! He was on an Admiral's Platter at Red Lobster!"
Daryl -the other brother
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My wife's cooking is so bad she uses a smoke detector as a timer. - Thanks Rodney
murcielago1687
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Once again another phrase to work in. Its used when someone retorts with a really bad metaphor.. you the know the ones, they alwasy start with "your like a ..." or "your such a ..."

Anyway. "The life of a magician is like a bad metaphor... It sucks"
James Whitney
JonathanM
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Quote:
On 2005-09-27 12:59, JonathanM wrote:
I really like this one. I heard a comedian use this the other day, and I just "said it" on stage that evening. You can ADD this one in any routine. I typed the "line" in caps below.
"I put a ring on this sting the other day (pause) I WAS SITTING BY MYSELF (pause) NO ONE WAS TALKING TO ME BECAUSE I HAD JUST DONE A SHOW (pause for a good 5 seconds)Then, go on with normal patter. This really catches some by surprise and can be really funny.


I barely remember typing that quote - that was a few months ago and I must have been in a hurry because it's not easy to understand. Let me type it out again. It's comedian Mitch Hedgeburg's line. During a show, I usually say the line while I'm putting a borrowed finger ring on a string...

"OK, so I'm sitting by myself..recently...No one was talking to me because I had just done a show" (pause for laugh) "And I twisted the ring and it just...came off the string?" (wait a moment before it registers) "Appearently I'm the only one who thinks this is cool" etc....
Jonathan Meyer
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
www.jonathanmagic.com
Bill Ligon
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Ah-ha! NOW it makes sense, Jonathan! Thanks!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
ClintonMagus
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On a T-shirt the other day: "We child-proofed our house, but somehow they got back in..."

Amos McCormick
Things are more like they are today than they've ever been before...
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