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The Donster
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Profile of The Donster
Anyone have any Decent/Good Cop Jokes that can be safely Used on stage.
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Gastonia, NC
113 Posts

Profile of ruaturtle
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
I have found that I do not suffer from insanity... instead I rather enjoy it! : )

Poodle... the other white meat.
Skip Way
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Profile of Skip Way
I was a cop for 22 years. Started out on patrol. Pulled over a couple o' good ol' boys one night for speeding and weaving. As I walked up I could smell the beer coming from the cab of the truck. Now both fellas had a beer label stuck to their foreheads. They claimed they were "on the patch". I did learn that if a gal offers you a certain kinda of favor in return for not writing a ticket... DON'T do it in the back o' your patrol car! Them doors don't have HANDLES on the inside! Kinda hard to explain a thing like that to your Sergeant after he pulls up to let ya out! And if you're gonna use your regulation handcuffs at home...remember to remove the lace and wipe the lipstick stains off before you show up for inspection! I never did get the hang of that one!

After three years on the street, I moved into investigations. Started out in was two weeks before I figured out I was supposed to ARREST the prostitutes who propositioned me. Sigh! What a great two weeks!

Then they moved me to Narcotics. The Chief sent me out to bust a coke dealer as my first case...and I tried...I really did...but the best I could do was a Pepsi delivery guy. And this after a 12-hour stakeout on an outdoor Coke machine! I did learn, however, that if my team and I clear an entire crack house without firing a shot...chances are, we're in the wrong house...again. Boy, were my grandparents ticked! Yessir...Now, whenever I plan a drug bust, I Never Use MapQuest!!

So, anyway, I finally got moved into Homicide, which was kinda cool cause no one ever talked back...and if you were lucky, you could sometimes snag a new pair of shoes. Whaaat?! They weren't using them!! Well, you sure as hell don't wanna hear about this watch then!

I retired after 22 years. I knew it was time to pack it in when instead of Time Out I would put my daughters on parole...with time off for good behavior. And when I went bass fishing, if I caught one...I'd offer to let him go if he'd lead me to his friends.

Yes...those were the days!

:o) Skip
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.

Magic Youth Raleigh -
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Profile of RancidClone
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Profile of flobiwan
The other night someone broke into my house and stole the toilet. I called the cops but they said there's nothing to go on.
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Des Moines, Iowa, USA
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Profile of nathanallen
That was a fun story. Well told.
Were you really a cop?
Nathan Allen, The Maniac of Magic

To buy a prop is nothing.
To write a good routine is something.
To really entertain an audience is everything.
Skip Way
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Profile of Skip Way
Yup, Nathan...22 years. And every word above is a lie...except for the truthful fact that I only lasted 3 weeks in narcotics (Heck...I don't even drink!! What were they thinking?!?)...lasted two weeks in Vice (hookers always pegged me as a cop the second they saw me...and I can't lie to save my butt!!) and I made it through several years in homicide cause I worked well in silence. Go figger!! Oh yeah....and the gal in the back of the patrol car was my girlfriend and I never quite lived THAT one down.

Being a cop rocked! :o)
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.

Magic Youth Raleigh -
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Profile of moosemanty
Hahaha this topic is the funniest thing I have seen in the Café. lol, I am still laughing
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Profile of SIX
I dO ALOT of volunteer work at my locol prcint I'm a Captain for the explorer group.I don't kno cop jokes more firefighter ones lol.

what does a fire fighter and batman have in common?

They cant go anywhere with out Robin!lol
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Profile of Hawkan
How many cops does it take to beat up a thief?
None. He fell down the stairs.

A toilet was stolen from the policestation.
The investigator said "We´ve got nothing to go on."

The handcuffs are tight because they´re new. They´ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

A tourist asks a man in uniform "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

Still a cop
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Profile of Zack
How many LAPD officers does it take to push a handcuffed prisoner down a flight of stairs?

None. The sonuvabitch FELL!


The US government is holding auditions for a new national police force. They release a rabbit into the woods.

The BATF burns the forest down, but fails to find the rabbit.

The FBI Launchs a huge manhunt, and then declares that there is no rabbit.

The LAPD comes back with a badly beaten bear in handcuffs that keeps saying "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
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Profile of Mtripp
Blank pistol in your pocket.....

"Impression of a Detroit Cop (localize).... take out gun, take stance, fire (empty gun). Lower gun and yell...


Later, best if you can get a name... take out gun

"Joe Doe on the firing range!"

Take stance, yell bang, bring gun back and blow in barrell. Repeat two more times, then take stance, blow, and then bring the gun back to your face!"
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Serbia and Montenegro
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Profile of madmaxa
A kid in a bus is telling a joke to his friend: "Do you know why cops always go in pairs? Because on knows how to read, and the other how to write”. Suddenly somebody touch a boy’s shoulder. He turns and sees two cops behind them. “OK, if you are so smart, let me see some ID” the cop says. A boy gives him an ID; the cop is reading for a while and says to his partner: “Ok John, write this down”.
Life Coaching and Covert Hypnosis Coaching in Serbian or English language.
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Eternal Order
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Profile of joseph
Someone put a hole in the girl's locker room ceiling....The police are looking into it now....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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Western New York
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Profile of bnadworn
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
"They say the hand is quicker than the eye but I won't believe it until I see it."
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Western New York
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Profile of bnadworn
Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture"?
"They say the hand is quicker than the eye but I won't believe it until I see it."
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Profile of Flec
Whilst driving, I was pulled over by a police car. the officer approached the window and said....

I've been following you for two miles sir...

can you tell me how fast you were goin back there sir?

are you the driver of this vehicle?

can you identify yourself?
(looks in mirror) that's ME THERE...

whats in the boot?

can you blow into this bag sir?
my take away is too hot!

have we been drinkin sir?

no airbag sir?

thank you, I'm here all week! Smile
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New York, USA
218 Posts

Profile of snap
A cop pulled over a car for speeding. when he approached, there was a little old lady inside. nevertheless the officer says to her somberly "Did you know you were speeding, ma'am?"
"not only that," she answers "but I also just comitted a homicide"
the policeman, surprised, answers "you did?"
"yeah, the body's in my trunk"
the policeman hurries back to his patrol car, and calls for back up. when the cheif arrives, the officer explains the situation. The cheif walks over to the lady's car, and opens the trunk only to reveal it empty. the cheif apologizes to the old woman "you know, he told me you'd committed murder!"
the old lady simply winked at him, "i bet you he told you I'd been speeding too."
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Milwaukee (Head shown not actual size)
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Profile of jgravelle
I'd like to commend the entire group for letting the conversation go this far without once using the word "donut".


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New Jersey
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Profile of tedski
JJG - it's the 21st century...........they do bagels now.
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