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sjdavison
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So many, but you will forgive me if I post probably my favourite scene from the truly wonderful Holy Grail:

ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.
ARTHUR: I-- what?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I am King!
DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
ARTHUR: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN: No one lives there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a
mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?

Maybe I need to get out more....!
Simon, 32, UK



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magicurt
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That is trul a great moment it M.P. and possibly my favorite too. We could actually go for days on Holy grail alone.

I have a holy grail trivia question. I'll answer it in a few posts. See if you know it.


"How many cat bashings are in the movie "holy grail"?

Curt
sjdavison
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A very good question - IO am going to go for 6, in the 'bring out your dead' scene. Priceless.
Simon, 32, UK



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Jerrine
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"You stunned him just as he was waking up."


"Of course a hoops got a hole in it, if a hoop didn't have a hole in it it wouldn't be much of a hoop now would it?"


"Say no more, say no more."


"I think it should have a big red label saying, WARNING LARKS VOMIT!"
"Our sales would plummet"
"@#&* your sales, we've got to protect the public!"


The Lumberjack song in German.
sjdavison
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I'm so sorry for this, but I just had to again....

KING ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court
at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR: We found them.
SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our
land?
SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
SOLDIER #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?
Simon, 32, UK



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magicurt
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Your mother was a hampster and your father smells of elder berries.......Come back and I'll taunt you a second time.

Curt
sjdavison
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Exactly - "I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent you silly king!"

Priceless. I could keep going all day.
Simon, 32, UK



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nucinud
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So many great lines, so many.
I do have a Penquin on my TV.
You can always tell who gets the joke.
"We are what we pretend to be" Kurt Vonnegut, jr.



Now U C It Now U Don't

Harry Mandel

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Mac_Stone
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Thou shalt coun to three. No more, no less.
magicurt
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One, two,five....uh three sir. well those are all wrong there were 4 cat bashings in holy grail. and yes the easiest to spot is in bring out your dead.

curt
KyletheGreat
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I wasn't as much of a fan of the Holy Grail as I was the show...I loved the Parrot Sketch and the Ministry of Silly Walks...My friend and I always reinact those two every year in drama! I am always John Cleese...hehehehe
Kyle Jarrard
"Entertainment at its Best"

http://www.kylesmagic.com
http://www.hypnobilly.com
magicurt
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Can anyone put down on this thread the monk's chant in it's entirety? I can not, I have friends that can. I would like to see it in print here.

Just a little challenge for the hardcore M.P. fan.

Curt
Mac_Stone
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I thought you guys might get a kick out of this.

http://wabbit.ytmnd.com/

Theres plenty of other great stuff on that site too.
sjdavison
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Let us not forget the Life of Brian - probably the more intelligent humour - my favourite scene (ah, Latin lessons!)
CENTURION:
What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?
BRIAN:
It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.
CENTURION:
No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!
BRIAN:
Aah!
CENTURION:
Come on!
BRIAN:
'R-- Romanus'?
CENTURION:
Goes like...?
BRIAN:
'Annus'?
CENTURION:
Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?
BRIAN:
Eh. 'Anni'?
CENTURION:
'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?
BRIAN:
'Go'. Let--
CENTURION:
Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
BRIAN:
Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.
CENTURION:
So 'eunt' is...?
BRIAN:
Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.
CENTURION:
But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?
BRIAN:
The... imperative!
CENTURION:
Which is...?
BRIAN:
Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!
CENTURION:
How many Romans?
BRIAN:
Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.
CENTURION:
'Ite'.
BRIAN:
Ah. Eh.
CENTURION:
'Domus'?
BRIAN:
Eh.
CENTURION:
Nominative?
BRIAN:
Oh.
CENTURION:
'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?
BRIAN:
Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
CENTURION:
Except that 'domus' takes the...?
BRIAN:
The locative, sir!
CENTURION:
Which is...?!
BRIAN:
'Domum'.
CENTURION:
'Domum'.
BRIAN:
Aaah! Ah.
CENTURION:
'Um'. Understand?
BRIAN:
Yes, sir.
CENTURION:
Now, write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN:
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
CENTURION:
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
BRIAN:
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!

Finished!
Simon, 32, UK



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magicurt
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You know,nucinud is right this could be one after another for months. There is so many great M.P. moments.

curt
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Monty Python is by far the funniest group ever. My favourite Flying Circus skit is "the ministries of sillywalks. Holy Grail scen "what is your name, What is your Quest, What is the average wingspan of a swallow?"

Life of brian:

"....when you look at it, life's a piece of ****..

BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE WHISTLE>>>>


I'm actually doing an act with that...
Magic.J.Manuel
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One wafer-thin mint.

BTW: I just got "The Looney Bin" CD-ROMs including "Holy Grail" game and "Complete waste of Time" for 8 bucks.
Nothing would get done at all, if man waited so long that no one could find fault with it.
sjdavison
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Ah yes, MR. Creosote. A classic character!

Ah, The Meaning of Life (favourite scene:

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Morning, Ainsworth.
AINSWORTH: Morning, Pakenham.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Sleep well?
AINSWORTH: Not bad. Bit to shreds, though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Savage little blighters, aren't they?
[clink]
FIRST LIEUTENANT CHADWICK: Excuse me, sir.
AINSWORTH: Yes, Chadwick?
CHADWICK: I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.
AINSWORTH: Well, so did we. Huh.
CHADWICK: Yes, but I do think doctor ought to see him.
AINSWORTH: Well, go and fetch him, then.
CHADWICK: Right you are, sir.
AINSWORTH: Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes, I suppose so.
AINSWORTH: Careful!
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Come on, boy.

[mayhem]

AINSWORTH: Ah! Morning, Perkins.
PERKINS: Morning, sir.
AINSWORTH: What's, uh,-- what's all the trouble, then?
PERKINS: Bitten, sir. During the night.
AINSWORTH: Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?
PERKINS: Yes.
AINSWORTH: How does it feel?
PERKINS: Stings a bit.
AINSWORTH: Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? That's, uh,... quite a bite you've got there, you know.
PERKINS: Yes, a... real beauty, isn't it?
AINSWORTH: Any idea how it happened?
PERKINS: None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
AINSWORTH: Hmm. Well, we've sent for the doctor.
PERKINS: Ohh, hardly worth it, isn't it?
AINSWORTH: Oh, yes. Better safe than sorry.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
AINSWORTH: By jove, that's enormous!
PAKENHAM-WALSH: You don't think it'll come back, do you?
AINSWORTH: For more, you mean?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes.
AINSWORTH: You're right. We'd better get this stitched.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Right.
AINSWORTH: Ah, hello, doc.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Morning! I came as fast as I could. Is, uhh,-- is something up?
AINSWORTH: Yes. Uh, during the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. Mm?
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ahh. Been in the wars, have we?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Mhm.
PERKINS: Yes.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ehh. Any headache? Bowels all right? Mm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
PERKINS: Oh, good.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Yes, there's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Uh, keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try
and favour the other leg.
PERKINS: Oh.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Mhm.
PERKINS: Right-o.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Be as right as rain in a couple of days.
PERKINS: Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, doc.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about?
PERKINS: No, I'm fine.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Jolly good. Well, must be off. M-hmm.
PERKINS: So, it'll, ehh,-- it'll just grow back again, then, will it?
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Uhh,... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's, um,-- it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think,-- And this is no
more than an educated guess. I'd like to make that clear. ...Is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven foot long,
and of the genus Felis Horribilis: what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.
PERKINS, PAKENHAM-WALSH, and AINSWORTH: A tiger?!

EVERYONE: A tiger?!
[mayhem]

PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger... in Africa?
AINSWORTH: Hm?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger in Africa?!
AINSWORTH: W-- Ah, well, it, uh,-- it has probably escaped from a zoo. Mhm.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Doesn't sound very likely to me.
AINSWORTH: Stumm. Stumm. Stumm.
SERGEANT: Sir!
AINSWORTH: Stumm.
SERGEANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! The attack's over, sir! The Zulus are retreating!
AINSWORTH: Oh, jolly good. Mhm.
SERGEANT: Quite a lot of casualties, though, sir.
AINSWORTH: M-hmm.
SERGEANT: 'C' Division wiped out.
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: Signals gone.
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: Thirty men killed in 'F' Section.
AINSWORTH: Yes. I see. Mm.
SERGEANT: I should think about a hundred-- hundred and fifty men altogether, sir.
AINSWORTH: Jolly good. [sniff]
SERGEANT: I haven't got the final figures, sir, but there's a lot of seriously...
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: ...wounded in the compound.
AINSWORTH: Yes. Well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the officers has lost a leg.
SERGEANT: Oh, no, sir!
AINSWORTH: I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
SERGEANT: In Africa?
AINSWORTH: Stumm)

Brilliant.
Simon, 32, UK



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Joe Howard
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I like the way Mr Smokestoomuch doesn't understand the "Well you'd better cut down a bit" line.

Joe H
sjdavison
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Thanks for that Joe - forgotten about that! Priceless.

Nucinud, here you go:

First Pepperpot We'll have to watch the telly then.
Second Pepperpot Yes
The pepperpots swivel round to look at the TV set in the corner of the room.
First Pepperpot What's that on the tellevision then?
Second Pepperpot Looks like a penguin.
On the TV set there is indeed a penguin. It sits contendedly looking at them in a stuffed sort of way. There is nothing on the screen.
First Pepperpot No, no, no, I didn't mean what's on the television set, I meant what programme.
Second Pepperpot Oh.
The second pepperpot goes to the TV, switches it on and returns to her chair. The set takes a long time to warm up and produce a picture. During this pause the following conversation takes place:
Second Pepperpot It's funny that penguin being there innit? What's it doing there?
First Pepperpot Standing.
Second Pepperpot I can see that!
First Pepperpot If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.
Second Pepperpot We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.
First Pepperpot Ooh, I never thought of that.
Second Pepperpot Yes, looks fairly butch.
First Pepperpot Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the Antarctic.
First Pepperpot Burma.
Second Pepperpot Why did say Burma?
First Pepperpot I panicked.
Second Pepperpot Oh. Perhaps it's from the zoo.
First Pepperpot Which zoo?
Second Pepperpot How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernowski.
First Pepperpot How does Doctor Bernowski know which zoo it came from?
Second Pepperpot He knows everything.
First Pepperpot Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it would have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.
Second Pepperpot No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'. You can't stamp a huge lion.
First Pepperpot They stamp them when they're small.
Second Pepperpot What happens when they moult?
First Pepperpot Lions don't moult.
Second Pepperpot No, but penguins do. There, I've run rings around you logically.
First Pepperpot Oh, intercourse the penguin.
On the TV screen there now appears an announcer.
TV Announcer It's just gone 8 o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
The penguin on top of the set now explodes.
First Pepperpot How did he know that was going to happen?!
TV Announcer It was an inspired guess. And now...
Simon, 32, UK



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