The Magic Café
Username:
Password:
[ Lost Password ]
  [ Forgot Username ]
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Favourite Monty Python Moments (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

 Go to page [Previous]  1~2~3 [Next]
The Magical Duo
View Profile
New user
USA
35 Posts

Profile of The Magical Duo
I saw M.P. recently for the first time and thought I would die laughing! My personal favorite...

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.

More quotes at this site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/quotes
You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. Gene Wilder BLAZING SADDLES
Tony S
View Profile
Special user
New York
581 Posts

Profile of Tony S
Quote:
On 2005-11-09 16:17, The Magical Duo wrote:
I saw M.P. recently for the first time and thought I would die laughing! My personal favorite...

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.

More quotes at this site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/quotes


This is one of my favorites too. Leave it to MP to figure out how to spend 3 hilarous minutes telling how to count to 3.
We are all about as successful as we choose to be.



www.anthonysisti.com
Tony S
View Profile
Special user
New York
581 Posts

Profile of Tony S
What else floats like a duck?

Little tiny stones.
We are all about as successful as we choose to be.



www.anthonysisti.com
TomKMagic
View Profile
Special user
I tripped over
609 Posts

Profile of TomKMagic
She turned me into a newt.
A newt?
I got better.

The little tiny stones is probably my favorite though.
You must be smarter than the tools you are using...

Tom Kracker
My website
magicurt
View Profile
Loyal user
alabama
222 Posts

Profile of magicurt
Oh who are you so wise in the ways of science?

Curt

P.S. I believe the line is very small rocks (from memory) is that right? I could watch it but have it on vhs.
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
That is indeed excellent - forgotten about that!

A line that never fails to make me laugh:
'Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.'
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
Joe Howard
View Profile
Loyal user
The Peoples Republic of Massachusetts
204 Posts

Profile of Joe Howard
"The Llama is a quadruped
which lives in big rivers like the Amazon.
It has two ears, a heart, a forehead,
and a beak for eating honey,
but it is provided with fins for swimming.
Llamas are larger than frogs.
Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one
where people are swimming, you shout,
'Look out, there are Llamas!'"
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
Sorry for all the long posts, but I love this!!

GEOFFREY: Yes?
[pause] (Death is at the door)
Is it about the hedge?
[pause]
Look. I am awfully sorry, but--
GRIM REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY: Who?
GRIM REAPER: The Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY: Yes, I see.

GRIM REAPER: I am death.
GEOFFREY: Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and--
ANGELA: Who is it, darling?
GEOFFREY: It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
ANGELA: Hello. Well, don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in.
GEOFFREY: Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment.
ANGELA: Do come in. Come along in. Come and have a drink. Do. Come on.

GUESTS: [mumbling]
ANGELA: It's one of the little men from the village.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
ANGELA: Uh, do come in.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
ANGELA: Please.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
ANGELA: This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia...
HOWARD KATZENBERG: Hi.
ANGELA: ...and his wife, Debbie,...
DEBBIE: Hello there.
ANGELA: ...and these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
FIONA PORTLAND-SMYTHE: Good evening.
ANGELA: This is Mr. Death.
[spooky music]
Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
GEOFFREY: Uh, yes.
HOWARD: Mmm.
ANGELA: Mr. Death is a reaper.
GRIM REAPER: The Grim Reaper.
ANGELA: Hardly surprising, in this weather. Ha ha ha.
EVERYONE: [laughing]
HOWARD: So, you still, uh, reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?
GRIM REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY: That's about all he says.
DEBBIE: Heh.
GEOFFREY: There's your drink, Mr. Death.
ANGELA: Do sit down.
DEBBIE: We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the thir-- [gasp]
[crash]
ANGELA: Ohh. Would you prefer white? I-- I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
JEREMY PORTLAND-SMYTHE: The Stilton's awfully good.
GRIM REAPER: I am not of this world.
[spooky music]
GEOFFREY: Good Lord.
GRIM REAPER: I am death.
DEBBIE: Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about death only five minutes ago.
ANGELA: Yes, we were.
HOWARD: Mmm. Mm.
ANGELA: You know, whether death is really the end.
DEBBIE: As my husband, uh, Howard, here, feels, or whether there is-- and one so hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit', but--
JEREMY: But what other words can one use?
GEOFFREY: E-- exactly.
GRIM REAPER: You do not understand.
DEBBIE: Ah, no. Obviously not.
HOWARD: Let me just tell you something, Mr. Death.
GRIM REAPER: You do n--
HOWARD: Just one moment. I'd like to express, on behalf of everybody here, what a... really unique experience this is.
JEREMY: Hear, hear.
ANGELA: Yes, we're so delighted, uh, that you dropped in, Mr. Death.
HOWARD: Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death, is there an after-life?
HOWARD: Dear, if you could just wait, please, a moment,--
ANGELA: Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry?
DEBBIE: [mumbling]
HOWARD: Angela. Angela, I'd like to just say this at this time, if I could, please. Really.
GRIM REAPER: Be quiet!
HOWARD: Can I just say this at this time, please?
GRIM REAPER: Silence! I have come for you.
ANGELA: You mean... to--
GRIM REAPER: Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.
GEOFFREY: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
HOWARD: I don't see it that way, Geoff. [sniff] Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here: a potentially positive learning experience to get an--
GRIM REAPER: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I
just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
HOWARD: Dead?
GRIM REAPER: Dead.
ANGELA: All of us?
GRIM REAPER: All of you.
GEOFFREY: Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would
remind you that you are a guest in this house, and--
[whock]
Ah! Oh.
GRIM REAPER: Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so ****ing pompous, and none of you have got any balls.
DEBBIE: Can I ask you a question?
GRIM REAPER: What?
DEBBIE: How can we all have died at the same time?
[silence]
GRIM REAPER: The salmon mousse.
GEOFFREY: Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
ANGELA: I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
GRIM REAPER: Now the time has come. Follow. Follow me.
[clunk]
[bang bang bang bang bang]
GEOFFREY: Just... testing. Sorry.
GRIM REAPER: Follow me. Now.
[deathly music]
Come.
[eerie music]
ANGELA: Well, the fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, and he's normally so reliable.
RANDOM: Stumm. Stumm.
JEREMY: Can we keep our glasses?
RANDOM: Mmm hmm.
FIONA: Oh. Good idea. [hiccup]
RANDOM: Come on.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
HOWARD: Okay.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
DEBBIE: Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse.
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
Andini
View Profile
Special user
Columbus, OH
685 Posts

Profile of Andini
Magic.J.Manuel, I'm pretty sure it's, "Life's a piece of **** when you look it."

Regarding my favorite scene from Holy Grail, just pop in the movie, watch it all the way through, and you've seen my favorite part. If you didn't catch on, that means I think the whole thing is gold.

But, if I had to pick one scene, it would be the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Unfortunately, there's a town near where I live called "Antioch" and I can't help but think of Python when I see it.
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
Andini, that's superb. Yes, truly a classic scene, and as you say, there are just too many to mention.

Sorry to keep posting long posts, but trying to entertain! (I'm sure there are some poor unfortunate souls who have never heard of Monty Python!)

That said, I still absoultely love the 'French Taunter'. Probably the most quoted of all the Python films!

Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you
a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred
castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behaviour?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of
second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained
wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
ARTHUR: Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of
your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.


Just superb. (apologies again for taking up most of the space in this thread!)

Si
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
magicurt
View Profile
Loyal user
alabama
222 Posts

Profile of magicurt
There is always room for more!

Curt
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
Well, in that case......

CUSTOMER: Here's one.
CART MASTER: Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CART MASTER: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
CART MASTER: He isn't?
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER: I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER: No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
CART MASTER: He hasn't got sh** all over him.
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
Sammy the Kid
View Profile
Veteran user
Southern Illinois
314 Posts

Profile of Sammy the Kid
How could you all forget the night club act of the Mouse Organ from "And Now for Something Completely Different"? Maybe I'm just sick, but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life! Or the appearance in The Family Guy of the long armed "And it went wherever I did go" guy from the find the fish game in Meaning of Life?
Sammy the Kid
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
I apologise if this offends anyone, but it is just such a funny idea...

Hitler Ach. Good time...good afternoon.
Landlady Ooh planning a little excursion are we Mr Hilter?
Hitler Ja, ja. We haff a little... (to others) Was ist rückweise bewegen?
Von Ribbentrop Hike.
Himmler Hiking.
Hitler Ah yes, ve make a little hike for, for Bideford.
Johnson (leaning over map) Oh well, you'll want the A39 then...no, no, you've got the wrong map there, this is Stalingrad, you want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.
Hitler Ah! Hein...Reginald you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-wicket English person.
Himmler I'm sorry mein Fuhrer. I did not...(Hitler slaps him) Mein Dickie old chum.
Landlady Lucky Mr Johnson pointed that out, eh? You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you...(they don't see the joke) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you, ha, ha, ha?
Hitler (through clenched teeth) Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.
Landlady Oh I'm sorry I didn't introduce you. This is Ron...Ron Vibbentrop.
Johnson Oh, not Von Ribbentrop, eh?
Von Ribbentrop (leaping two feet in the air, then realizing) Nein! Nein! Nein! Oh!! Ha, ha, ha.
Landlady And this is the quiet one, Mr Bimmler - Heimlich Bimmler.
Himmler How do you do there squire, also I am not Minehead lad but I in Peterborough, Lincolnshire was given birth to, but stay in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all during war, owing to nasty running sores, and was unable to go in the streets play football or go to Nürnberg. I am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes (hurriedly corrects himself) tch tch tch, and am glad England win World Cup - Bobby Charlton, Martin Peters - and eating lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads, and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly line. Don't you know old chap I was head of Gestapo for ten years. Five years! No, no, nein, I was not head of Gestapo at all...I make joke.
Landlady Oooh, Mr Bimmler, you do have us on. (A telephone rings) Oh excuse me I must go and answer that. (leaves the room)
Johnson How long are you down here for, Mr Hilter. Just the fortnight?
Hitler (shouting) Why do you ask that? Are you a spy or something? (drawing revolver) Get over there against the wall Britischer pig, you're going to die!
Von Ribbentrop og Himmler grab Hitler and calm him.
Himmler Take it easy Dickie old chum.
Von Ribbentrop I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945.
Hitler Shut your cake hole you Nazi.
Von Ribbentrop Cool it Führer cat!
Himmler Ha, ha, ha. (laughing it off) The fun we have.
Johnson Haven't I seen him on the television?
Von Ribbentrop and Himmler Nicht. Nein. Nein, oh no.
Johnson Television Doctor?
Von Ribbentrop No!!! No!
The landlady enters.
Landlady Telephone, Mr Hilter, it's that nice Mr McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour.
Hitler If he opens his big mouth again...it's lampshade time!
Von Ribbentrop (controlling Hitler and getting him towards the door) Shut up! (Hitler exits) Hire bombers by the hour, ha ha, what a laugh he is, that Scottish person. Good old Norman. (he exits)
Landlady He's on the phone the whole time nowadays.
Johnson In business is he?
Himmler Soon baby!
Landlady Of course it's his big day Thursday. Oh, they've been planning it for months.
Johnson What's happens then?
Landlady Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist candidate. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead.
Johnson Like what?
Landlady Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.
Johnson Oh, North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?
Landlady Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies.
Johnson Rallies?
Landlady Well, their Bocalist meetings, down at the Axis Café in Rosedale Road.
Cut to a grotty Italian café. Sign above it read 'Axis Café, Italian Food a Specialty'. A figure clearly belonging to Mussolini is nailing up a sign or poster which reads: 'Vote for Hitler'. He looks around and goes into the café furtively. At this moment past the café come Hitler, Von Ribbentrop and Himmler on bikes. Hitler at the front shouting German through a megaphone. Von Ribbentrop at the back with a large banner 'Hilter for a better Meinhead'. Himmler in the middle with an old grammophone playing 'Deutschland Über Alles'.
Cut to Hitler ranting in German on a balcony with Himmler at his side. Beneath them is a Nazi flag.
Hitler I am not a racialist, but, und this is a big but, we in the National Bocialist Party believe das Überleben muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones. Historische Taunton ist Volkermeinig von Meinhead.
Himmler (stepping forward) Mr Hitler, Hilter, he says that historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already.
Shot of a yokel looking disbelievingly at balcony. Von Ribbentrop appears behind.
Von Ribbentrop He's right, do you know that?
Meanwhile back on the balcony.
Hitler (very exited) Und Bridgwater ist die letzte Fühlung das wir haben in Somerset!
Over this we hear loud applause and 'Sieg Heils'. The yokel, who is not applauding, turns round rather surprised to see whence cometh the applause. He sees Von Ribbentrop operating a grammophone.
Cut to vox pops.
Interviewer (voice over) What do you think of Mr Hilter's politics.
Yokel I don't like the sound of these 'ere boncentration bamps.
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
spatrick
View Profile
Special user
Tom Sawyer let me whitewash these
515 Posts

Profile of spatrick
Scene : Laundromat. Mrs. Premise sitting talking to Mrs. Conclusion


Mrs. Premise - Busy day?
Mrs. Conclusion - Busy! I've just spent four hours burying the cat.
Mrs. Premise - Four hours to bury a cat?
Mrs. Conclusion - Yes! It wouldn't keep still.
Mrs. Premise - Oh! So it wasn't dead then?
Mrs. Conclusion - No, no but its not at all a well cat. So as the husband and I were going on a fortnights holiday we thought we'd bury it just to be on the safe side.
Mrs. Premise - Quite right! You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat. It's so anticlimactic.
Blackwood
View Profile
Special user
Mind-Play
528 Posts

Profile of Blackwood
I actually ran into Michael Palin in the gift shop of the Audubon home in Key West, Florida. I was stunned. I looked up and the first thing I saw (above him on a shelf) was a blue-glazed china parrot. I couldn't help myself. I pointed and said in my shiftiest Cockney accent. "Look. It's a Norwegian Blue!"

He winced and left the gift shop as quickly as he could.

Bet they're all SICK of getting their famous lines repeated back to them. (Know what I mean. Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink.)
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
That's excellent Blackwood - but I think you're right - must be awful for them!

There's an actor who lives near me who was in a programme called the Fast Show - it must be sickening for them (evrywhere they go, pople shouting 'suits you, sir!')

Anyway:

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch!
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!

VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
VILLAGER #2: Yeah!
CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGER #1: No!
VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No.
VILLAGER #2: No.
VILLAGER #1: No.
VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No.
VILLAGER #1: Yes.
VILLAGER #2: Yes.
VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
VILLAGER #3: A bit.
VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit.
VILLAGER #3: A bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
RANDOM: [cough]
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
VILLAGER #1: Burn!
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGER #1: Are there?
VILLAGER #2: Ah?
VILLAGER #1: What are they?
CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...
BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
VILLAGER #1: Burn!
CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #3: Shh!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh.
CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah.
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No. No.
VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Uh, churches! Churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR: A duck!
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically...
VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore?
VILLAGER #2: A witch!
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A witch!...
VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
BEDEVERE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
Tony S
View Profile
Special user
New York
581 Posts

Profile of Tony S
The argument room from the flying circus. Truly a classic.
We are all about as successful as we choose to be.



www.anthonysisti.com
sjdavison
View Profile
Inner circle
Surrey, UK
1379 Posts

Profile of sjdavison
EXactly! Here you go then:

Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what is the cost?

Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

Man: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!

Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Mr Barnard: Not at all.

Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

Man: (Knock)

Mr Vibrating: Come in.

Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Vibrating: I told you once.

Man: No you haven't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr Vibrating: Just now.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't

Mr Vibrating: I did!

Man: You didn't!

Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!

Man: You did not!!

Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Man: Oh, just the five minutes.

Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

Man: No you did not.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Did.

Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is!

Mr Vibrating: It is not.

Man: Look, you just contradicted me.

Mr Vibrating: I did not.

Man: Oh you did!!

Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.

Man: You did just then.

Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!

Man: Oh, this is futile!

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't!

Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is.

Mr Vibrating: Not at all.

Man: Now look.

Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.

Man: What?

Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

Man: I was just getting interested.

Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes!

Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

Man: It wasn't.

(Pause)

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

Man: What?!

Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

Mr Vibrating: (Hums)

Man: Look, this is ridiculous.

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

Man: Oh, all right.

(pays money)

Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)

Man: Well?

Mr Vibrating: Well what?

Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: I just paid!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: I DID!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.

Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: Oh I've had enough of this.

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

Man: I want to complain.

Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

Man: No, I want to complain about...

Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.

Man: Oh!

Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!

Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.

Man: uuuwwhh!!

Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.

Man: No.

Spreaders: Now..

Man: Waaaaah!!!

Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: What?

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: Stop hitting you?

Man: Yes!

Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?

Man: I wanted to complain.

Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.

Man: What a stupid concept.
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
magicgeorge
View Profile
Inner circle
Belfast
4299 Posts

Profile of magicgeorge
I like confuse-a-cat, Welease Woger and the Gumby men doing brain surgery.

George
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Favourite Monty Python Moments (0 Likes)
 Go to page [Previous]  1~2~3 [Next]
[ Top of Page ]
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2020 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved.
This page was created in 0.53 seconds requiring 5 database queries.
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café
are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic.
> Privacy Statement <

ROTFL Billions and billions served! ROTFL