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sjdavison
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I also love this scene:


[holy music]
BABY BRIAN COHEN: [crying]
WISE MAN #1: Ahem.
MANDY COHEN: Ohhh!
[whump]
Who are you?
WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.
MANDY: What?!
WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.
MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers.
WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East.
MANDY: Is this some kind of joke?
WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant.
WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him.
MANDY: Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!
WISE MAN #1: No--
MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!
WISE MAN #2: No, no. We must see him.
MANDY: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!
WISE MAN #2: We--
WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star.
MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!
WISE MAN #1: Well-- well, we must see him. We have brought presents.
MANDY: Out!
WISE MAN #2: Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.
MANDY: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?
WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm.
MANDY: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.
WISE MAN #3: What?
MANDY: That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.
WISE MAN #1: No, it isn't.
MANDY: Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...
WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.
MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?
WISE MAN #2: Hmm?
MANDY: What star sign is he?
WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn.
MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.
WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews.
MANDY: And that's Capricorn, is it?
WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.
MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.' [sniff]
WISE MAN #1: By what name are you calling him?
[holy music]
MANDY: Uh, 'Brian'.
WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then?
WISE MAN #2: What?
MANDY: This praising.
WISE MAN #2: No, no. No, no.
MANDY: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about
the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
[WISE MEN leave]
Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.
[WISE MEN return and grab presents]
Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.
[whump]
[holy music]
BABY BRIAN: [crying]
MANDY: Shut up.
[smack]
Simon, 32, UK



www.sidavisonmagic.com
Sammy the Kid
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Southern Illinois
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No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!


Please. Not.... THE BIG COMFY CHAIR!!!!!!!!
James Adamson
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Receptionist "Did you come here for an argument or a **** ***?"

Man: What?!

Receptionist "Oh, I see an argument."

(Live @ the Hollywood Bowl)

-------------
Ausie 1 "Drinking American Beer is like making Love in a canoe!"

Ausie 2 "Why?"

Ausie 1 "Because it's ****ing close to water!"
--------------

The Philosophers Song - will post it later.

--------------

Splitters!

--------------

Twow him Wuufly to the ground, centurion!

But it's a joke name, sir!

--------------
Woman 1 "Spank Me!"

Woman 2 "And Me!"

Woman 3 "And me, too?"

Etc.

--------------
Mr. Two Sheds Johnson

--------------

Here is a lesson in not being seen. Unfortunately he picked an obvious spot.




More to come
James
Be remembered for performing what looks like MAGIC, not skill.
galerius
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I find it irresistible when in "Life of Brian" guards can't help laughing when they hear funny names from Pilatus-Michael Palin...the soldier's grimaces to prevent bursting out into laughter, when he is face to face with Pilatus...I know it only in the italian dubbing, but I'm sure it must be wonderfully hilarious in original soundtrack too.
Great movie.
Andini
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These transcripts of Python sketches don't do them justice. Reading them doesn't even compare to seeing them performed by the greats.

Regarding the Spanish Inquisition, I have a shirt that says just that. It's super. I wore it when I went to see SPAMALOT a few weeks ago. For any Monty Python fan, SPAMALOT is definitely worth seeing.
honus
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This is a very woody thread.

Albatross!
Chris Stolz
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I'm off to see Spamalot in Toronto tonight and I can't WAIT to see this show!
Marvello
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Mr A: Oh good, that'll be the Vet, dear.

Mrs B: I'd better go and let him in.

(Mrs B: goes out and comes back into the room with the Vet)

Mrs B: (stage whisper) It's the Vet, dear.

Mr A: Oh very glad indeed you could come round, sir.

Vet: Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Vet, you know.

Mrs B: See! Tell him, dear.

Mr A: Well...

Mrs B: It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

Vet: Is he ... dead?

Mr A: Oh, no!

Vet: (to camera dramatically) Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.

Mrs B: He just sits there, all day and every day.

Mr A: And at night.

Mrs B: Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

Mr A: And his milk.

Mrs B: Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

Vet: Are you at your wits' end?

Mrs B: Definitely, yes.

Vet: Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectacles, sits, crosses legs and puts finger tips together)... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we Vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siècle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.

Mrs B: Moping.

Vet: In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recenty?

Mr A: Well we ...

Mrs B: Sh! No.

Vet: Yes ... well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

Mrs B: What?

Mr A:Sh! What?

Vet: Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.

Mrs B: (reading card) Oooh. 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.

Mr A: 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.'

Mrs B: Oh.

(Cut to large van arriving. On one side is a large sign reading 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited: Europe's leading cat-confusing service. By appointment to...' and a crest. Several people get out of the van, dressed in white coats, with peaked caps and insignia. One of them has a sergeant's stripes.)

Sergeant: Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Cat confusers ...shun!

(From a following car a general alights.)

General: Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.

Sergeant: Confusers attend to the van and fetch out... wait for it... fetch out the funny things. (the men unload the van) Move, move, move. One, two, one, two, get those funny things off.

(The workmen are completing the erection of a proscenium with curtains in front of the still immobile cat. A and B watch with awe. The arrangements are completed. All stand ready.)

Sergeant: Stage ready for confusing, sir!

General: Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

Sergeant: Left turn, double march!

General: Right men, confuse the ... cat!

(Drum roll and cymbals. The curtains draw back and an amazing show takes place, using various tricks: locked camera, fast motion, jerky motion, jump cuts, some pixilated motion etc. Long John Silver walks to front of stage.)

Long John Silver: My lords, ladies and Gedderbong.

(Long John Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. they circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a stove-pipe hat appears. On the first's head a fez. The stove-pipe hat becomes a Stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The Stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearing on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogo-stick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into a dustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogo-stick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puff of smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. Shot of passive cat.)

(Cut to Mr A and Mrs B watching with the general.)

General: I hope to God it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.

(After a pause, the cat gets up and walks into the house. Mr A and Mrs B are overcome with joy.)

Mrs B: I can't believe it.

Mr A: Neither can I. It's just like the old days.

Mrs B: Then he's cured. Oh thank you, general.

Mr A: What can we ever do to repay you?

General: No need to, sir. It's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Cat.

(Picture freezes and over still of general's face are superimposed the words 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'. Dramatic music. The words start to roll, like ordinary credits but read.')

CONFUSE-A-CAT LIMITED
INCORPORATING
AMAZE-A-VOLE LTD
STUN-A-STOAT LTD
PUZZLE-A-PUMA LTD
STARTLE-A-THOMPSON'S GAZELLE LTD
BEWILDEREBEEST INC
DISTRACT-A-BEE
Never criticize someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away from them and you will have their shoes.
kihei kid
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Dog House
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One day all this will be yours...

What?! The curtains?

That and about a thousand others.
In loving memory of Hughie Thomasson 1952-2007.

You brought something beautiful to this world, you touched my heart, my soul and my life. You will be greatly missed.

Until we meet again “my old friend”.
beaker
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How about.....

Hell's Grannies
Self-defence class
Upper-Middle-Class Twit of the Year
Marching up and down the square
Father Photius
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My three all time favorites (and two of them were done in so many different formats) were the Lumberjack song, the dead parrot, and when the ufo turned everyone into scotsmen. That last one tears me up every time I watch it.
"Now here's the man with the 25 cent hands, that two bit magician..."
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