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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
Urban Legends
Deadly Toilet Spiders The Legend Found on the Internet in May 1999 According to an article by Dr. Beverly "Crusher" Clark in the Journal of the American Medical Institute National (JAMIN), the mystery behind a recent spate of horrible, painful, rectally based deaths has been solved. If you haven't already heard about this, then it's lucky you aren't dead already. Three Chicago women were admitted to the hospital within a week of each other and all with the same symptoms. They had high fevers, extreme chills, painful hot flashes, rapid, repeated, high-intensity vomiting, and sort of a tickly feeling in their throats. This was followed by complete muscular collapse, paralysis, incontinence, incoherence, chemical dependence, unpredictable massive sleep expectoration, more paralysis, and death, not necessarily in that order. Autopsy results showed that their blood had become toxic, and that their buttocks had swollen to quadruple their normal size. These women didn't know each other (or if they did they didn't mention it at the time of the autopsy) and seemed to have nothing in common aside from the vomiting, etc. It was, however, discovered that they had all visited the same restaurant (Big Chappies Tromatorium in the Blare Airport main terminal -- no pun intended). The health department immediately shut down the restaurant so that an investigation could be made. Its power and water were cut off and the entire building was hermetically sealed. Intense inspections of the restaurant's food, water, and crabby staff produced no results. A big break came when one of the restaurant's waitresses came down with the same disease. She said that she hadn't been working at the restaurant in the last few days and had just stopped by to pick up her paycheck and use the restroom. That led to an increased inspection of the restroom (necessitating special hazardous material equipment, as all airport restaurant restrooms do), during which it was found that one of the commodes was wobbling as if it had a life of its own. Before a containment wall could be set up, the toilet exploded, spewing little spiders everywhere. The spiders were taken back to the lab in an armored truck and analyzed by a special team of spider scientists. It was found that they were South American Rectal Blush Inducement Spiders (arachnius gluteus munchius), so named because they like to bite people on the bum, causing great embarrassment. The spider has extremely toxic venom that can lay dormant for days before springing into action and causing horrible death. Because these spiders like a cold, dark, damp, smelly, atmosphere with lots of methane in it, they are very at home beneath the rims of public toilets and on some moons of Jupiter. A few days later, a Los Angeles lawyer entered a hospital emergency room with the above-described symptoms. As a lawyer, he was allowed to die without being admitted, but before his death he said that he had been on a business trip from New York to Chicago to Los Angeles. He didn't stop in Big Chappies, but he did have a gigantically swollen hinder. Investigators found out that his plane had been in South America before arriving in New York and that the cargo bay had been accidentally crammed with bales and bales of deadly spiders instead of the expected luggage. The spiders made a break for it in Chicago, many of them hitching rides uninvited on other airplanes. It is now believed that they could be anywhere in the country ... even in your town ... maybe even right behind you!!! So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders. And please, after lifting the lid of a public toilet, wash your hands. A lot. Behind the Legend This story also exists in variations that mention the source of spider infestation as Hart's Extended Family Restaurant in Hartington, The Olive Garden, "my mom's house," or the entire country of India. Sometimes the spider is identified as the Two-Striped Telemundo Rear Admiral (Telamonia analseekus) or the Puruvian Ahsbandit (arachnis villagepeopleus). The airport might be in Wilkes-Barre, Binghampton, Masenoma, or some other place that nobody whose anybody has so much as heard of. Such variations might lead one to believe that this is all a hoax. If only life were so easy. The deadly spider really exists, although its name is the Deadly Brown Lurker (arachnis potti) and it comes from Australia. Fortunately, only the adult spiders have a deadly bite, and they are generally in the range of six to eight inches long, so their ability to hide well beneath public toilet seats is rather exaggerated. Even so, the Center for Disease Control, Prevention, and Military Exploitation offers these pointers for frequent air travelers: Never use a public toilet without either thoroughly inspecting it yourself or having it inspected professionally Don't rely on those paper toilet-seat covers to protect you from vicious animals, and remember that many of these covers are made with formaldehyde and can effectively embalm your buttocks if you sit on them for too long Whenever possible, use a urinal instead of a sit-down toilet, even if you are a woman Just in case you are admitted to the hospital because of an incurable deadly spider bite on your rear end, be sure that you have on clean underwear Although the possibility of your being bitten by a spider while using a toilet is remote, there is a real, significant chance of a rabid rat swimming up the through the pipes and biting your genitals.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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Ellen Kotzin Loyal user UPSTATE, NY 280 Posts |
That was so sick...I did not read urban legend first and then I freaked. Never heard this one before. My husband just laughed.
Ellen |
Doug Higley 1942 - 2022 7152 Posts |
I sell cans of the things. $1 a dozen. Good with peanut butter.
Higley's Giant Flea Pocket Zibit
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Corey Harris Inner circle Kansas City, MO 1229 Posts |
That's kind of funny. When I was little I had a fear of spiders molesting my chocolate starfish while on the pot. But in Idaho we also had spiders that could jump about 6 feet in the air.
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Doug Higley 1942 - 2022 7152 Posts |
Just as long as your so called 'Choc. Starfish' don't attain 6 ft leaps.
Higley's Giant Flea Pocket Zibit
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Skip Way Inner circle 3771 Posts |
This entertaining scare story first surfaced during the summer of 1999 and is fairly easy to identify as a hoax by the slightly-altered. Chicago's O'Hare airport becomes "Blare Airport," the Journal of the American Medical Association becomes the "Journal of the United Medical Association," the name of the Civil Aeronautics Board is invoked even though that organization was dissolved in 1984, and an apocryphal genus/species classification of "arachnius gluteus" (i.e., "butt spider") is assigned to the star of today's legend.
In October 2002 new life was breathed into this hoax when it was circulated anew with many of its details changed, even though the text of the warning barely shifted at all. No one has been bitten by "blush spiders" lurking in either airline or restaurant toilet seats. Although some spiders prefer dark, cool places and can sometimes be found under (mostly outdoor) toilet seats — as evidenced by Slim Newton's 1972 song about the Australian Redback Spider, "The Redback on the Toilet Seat" — an airliner toilet would be quite an inhospitable abode for a spider due to the chemicals used in them. Of all the precautions you might want to take when traveling by air, checking under the toilet rim for spiders should be given a very low priority. Still...it's a great tale for scaring the bejeebers out of the gullible. Skip :o)
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.
Magic Youth Raleigh - RaleighMagicClub.org |
daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
Up next...EARWIGS!!
Posted: Dec 31, 2005 8:22am He is asking if you have Microsoft Windows installed on your computer or something else.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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ed rhodes Inner circle Rhode Island 2885 Posts |
Quote:
On 2005-12-30 16:02, daffydoug wrote: I you sure they just didn't order the fish? (I had the lasagna!)
"...and if you're too afraid of goin' astray, you won't go anywhere." - Granny Weatherwax
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