This is probably as good a place as any for a "line" I'm sure I'll never use -- short of that as yet unbooked and so far purely speculative obstetricians' convention:

"You failed your APGAR test, didn't you?"

Leland

The hardest heckler to deal with is a young teenage girl. I was working Scarborough Faire one afternoon, when there were two teenage girls, about 13 years old, sitting on the edge of the stage. The minute I came out to warm up the crowd, they started in on me, without provocation or reason of any kind. Finally, I looked at them and asked, "Are you from around here?"

"Yes."

"That's too bad. I didn't realize Waxahachie had such a horrible drug abuse problem."

They sputtered a bit. The audience roared, they were on my side anyway. Finally, I said "Let's have a truce. I have this wireless microphone and you don't. I also have the audience on my side. Let's not get any nastier, okay?"

So they went back to their seats.

Anyone who wants that one is free to use it.

I have posted it elsewhere before.

I had the oldest one I ever had before two nights ago. This guy must have been between 70 and 80 years old. I was performing some metal bending then Richard Osterlind's Breatkthru Card System. He asked to see the cards after I had done an effect on another couple. Glady I handed them over to him. He then asked me to pick a card so he could show me how he did it. I did and of course I thought about this later and had the perfect answer. Long story boring, he did a pick a card trick and not a "in the spectators hands think of a card effect" which I should have told him afterwards.

I tried to ignore him and did another effect explaining to the audience how I was there to entertain I had a good mentor etc. He told everyone "yeah a mentor of BS." I had enough at this point as he went over to another small crowd explaining how I didn't shuffle the deck etc (clearly did that before).

Is there a book written by some of the greats of the past on how effects went bad, hecklers etc????????

I would of said to him in private: "You sure act like tenure in heaven but when and if you get to the gates, someone will call you on YOUR BS".

I would of then whispered the sort of hateful things I can't spell here or similar discussion boards. Shameless old piece of s**t like that has to be corrected yes? Yes.

Oh and don't forget to wish him a nice day.

For a really old heckler, stop, look him right in the eye, the pretend to recognize him.

"FATHER! FATHER! I thought it was you! I haven't seen you since you left mother and me and ran off with that showgirl! I missed you! You would have been proud of me on my 12th birthday!"

While you are doing that, switch the deck for a "Solid Deception." Then hand them to him and let him play with the block.

You have to be very careful, though. Make sure that you have an idea whom you are dealing with.

In the early days of the Shamrock Hotel, a young pop singer who had a couple of hit records was playing the Emerald Room. Now this was a decent club. They had big name acts there all the time. There was a drunk sitting at the end of the bar, wearing shades. After one of the songs, the drunk said, "Sing My Wild Irish Rose." The singer looked at him, and he zinged him. After the next song, the drunk said the same thing -- "Sing My Wild Irish Rose." So the singer zinged him harder. This went on for about four or five songs. Finally, the drunk said something to the bartender, and he left.

When he took his break, the singer walked over to the bartender and said, "Well, I showed that old drunk, didn't I?"

The bartender said, "You can pack up now, kid. Your gig is over. You're fired. That old drunk is Glenn McCarthy. He owns the hotel."

Never zing the owner of the club.

You know that's so good it might make some of these guys hope and pray for a heckler! Wow!

I feel for these performers who do encounter these hecklers in real life performance.

For the last few years, my acts have all been done to music and the audience sits there and either finds me entertaining or leaves but never a heckler. I don't know, if you decide to be vocal and heckle me during a manipulation act I think you'll be seen as an "odd person" at best.

But for those who do engage an audience with words this can be a nightmare or, with Bill's suggestion, a moment you could only dream of and thank God for. Oh how sweet!


Posted: Apr 30, 2006 12:47pm
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Nice story and reminder Bill. My immediate thought and reaction is always "Well I wouldn't want to work a club/venue where the owner hangs out drunk".
But I've been there and have put up with it. I still wish a business owner, regardless of business, wouldn't get drunk where his subordinates are trying to do their jobs. But it is a reality to be handled carefully. Bottom line.

Another moment of surprise for me was at a nice deli shop. A friend and I walked in to find the place packed! Within a minute I see a couple leaving their table and I make a run for it. Happy about having our seats we order. From my chair I noticed a few outdoor tables. Thought that would be nice for lunch and get away from all the noise and overcrowding but said nothing.

A lady in a wheelchair came in with an older woman. She turned her chair several times looking for a table. She continued waiting and trying for a table but nothing. I asked my friend if we should try the outdoor tables and give up our table to the lady in the wheelchair. He agreed and I waived her over telling her we were heading outside. She thanked us with a big smile and eagerly pulled her chair up to the table.

Following lunch we had coffee and all was great. The waitress came over and said lunch was on the lady in the wheelchair. I immediately felt horrible and thought it was really unecessary. The waitress told me it was OK as the lady was the owner.

Hmmmmm...Some strange moments indeed.

Glenn McCarthy was a Texas legend. He was the fellow that the movie "Giant" was all about. He was basically rich trailer trash. When he built the Shamrock Hotel, he invited Frank Lloyd Wright to the opening ceremony. Wright had turned down the offer to design the hotel, because he knew that his artistic feelings and McCarthy's total lack of taste would clash impossibly.

McCarthy said, "Well, what do you think?"

Wright countered, "How does it feel to own the world's largest jukebox?"

McCarthy was also responsible for the production of the worst booking agent I have ever known. One of the bellmen caught him in a compromising situation. So as a way of shutting him up, he put him in charge of all the bookings in the hotel. The guy would come up to the band before the show started and say, "No doubles." That meant that the tenor sax player played tenor sax all night long, and played the clarinet parts on the sax. Same was true with all the other normal doubles. Musicians get paid extra for doubles. Back then it was 20% for the first double and 10% for every double after that. This guy pocketed the extra fee.

He finally got caught defaulting on a band's fee. When I asked the business agent of the union how long he had been after this guy, he said, "Well, I've been a member of the union for 25 years."

He lost his gig at the Shamrock right after McCarthy died.

When confronted by an audience member who shouted, "You've got TWO balls!" during a performance of the Chop Cup, Paul Daniels leaned against the table; looking over the crowd replied, "..and how many have YOU got, Superman?!"

Paul Pacific

In a group of guys and girls, if there is some guy with low self esteem don't perform your effects for girls first. The response you'll get creates jealousy. Start with the problem guys, mix some girls and finish with another guy.

I once made the mistake of trying to win over a heckler by focusing on him. I won him by paying attention to him, learning who he is, how great he was, etc. (It was at a dinner table). By that time I lost momentum with my crowd and others lost interest. In the end he still wasn't satisfied. I used whatever I had in my arsenal to fool someone badly and went very fast. Only then did he start respecting me. Such people think very hierarchical. You are either superior or inferior. They don't care if you are trying to entertain everyone with a low profile.

I say if they want to play hardball, have no mercy.

It is sometimes difficult to "have no mercy" on a heckler, especially if the heckler, unknown to you, is an expert.

I had an old lady in her late seventies take me to the cleaners big time early in my career. I was the Saloon performer at Tombstone Junction, an amusement park in Kentucky, and there was a very small crowd one afternoon.

This little old lady on the front table kept heckling me, with very clever heckles. I came back at her with all my best Orben "stoppers." She fielded each one brilliantly, and then sent back lines that left me speechless. She fried me. It was humiliating.

I left the stage and started throwing things in the dressing room. I was furious at myself. I was ready to quit show business. If I couldn't handle a cue-tip from Kentucky, how would I ever manage to deal with a Las Vegas crowd?

Just then, there was a knock on the door. The little old lady was standing there.

"I'm sorry son, if I took things too far. Its just that you were so handsome and clever and you reminded me of my late husband, Frank. He and I were a comedy team in Vaudeville for forty years..."

I could have kissed her. My luck to get in a tussle with a Gracie Allen or Betty White.

But I decided then and there to be careful about returning fire to an unknown enemy. It might be Robin Williams out there, guys.

Don't count on your wit and supply of one-line heckler stoppers to handle a pro or even a quick-witted amateur in the audience.

Tom Mullica appeared at a TAOM convention in Dallas back in the early 1980's. He was working with a lady from the crowd, who was up on stage with him. She was a local magician and organist. She was 80+ years old, and Tom mistakenly thought she was stupid. He gave her a rough time for no reason at all. The line that put him over the top was when he asked her what her husband did and she replied that she was a widow. He said something like, "Well, I can understand why." At that point, he should have left the room. But he didn't. He struggled for a few minutes, then he took note of the heat of the air around him and said, "Lou, it's hotter than Hell in here, don't you think?"

With a completely innocent look on her face, she replied, "I don't know. I've never been."

That was it. The crowd was hers, and she wasn't giving it back!

“You were so handsome and clever.” That was a grand illusion Whit.

That was in 1976, Tommy. I WAS handsome and clever then.

Now, you are "vintage."

Heh interesting heckling going on. I've had a fair share. the british public are quite a loud crowd. I'd usually relpy back with some thing sarcastic but not offensive sort of like mimicing them.

I also got this book which I use if I know that I'm winning the battle and the auidience is on my side

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN......-6298051

its called the little book of more abuse I got the first one and the 2nd one its quite funny, its a book of offensive one liners i.e ' go play in traffic' or ' your as boring as an oil rig' really random stuff like that.

another idea I just thought of. Derren Brown once said that when he was starting out on his mentalism and being young and picked on by people he would use psychology on them to freak them out.

the heckler would comment on the trick ' I can do that!' and he would simply reply with a random sentance ' the wall is black' some thing totally ireillivant ... it sorta works! some people would find it funny if you did it at a fast pace but just my opinion!

The material in insult books can be inspiring, but used as is will never have quite the impact that a well-thought-out riposte will have. Things like "Go play in the traffic" or "You can go back and swing on your tire, they have cleaned out your cage" have been heard. Give them something that will take care of them quickly.

One of my favorites when some heckler shouts out something incoherent is "¿Habla Usted Inglés?"

Of course, there is the classic -- "Thank you sir, I've always wanted to meet the poster child for schizophrenia."

Well, yes. But then the FBI gets called in and there's all this DNA evidence and it's all downhill from there!

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On 2006-04-29 03:14, Bill Palmer wrote:
For a really old heckler, stop, look him right in the eye, the pretend to recognize him.

"FATHER! FATHER! I thought it was you! I haven't seen you since you left mother and me and ran off with that showgirl! I missed you! You would have been proud of me on my 12th birthday!"



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I remember a begger in NYC who use to walk up to people with a hang-dog expression and cry; "Pleeaase!" then start babbling in some language I didn't recognize. It almost never failed. One day I was outside one of his favorite spots when he walked up to a group of executives leaving the building. He started with; "Pleeaase..." and one of the executives snapped; "Dad! I told you, not in front of my office!"

Guy was so stunned, he didn't say another word!