12. By the end of the party, he's got every kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

11. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

10. Scares the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick and his prosthetic arm.

9. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a death match in New Jersey.

8. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

7. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

6. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

5. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since January!"

4. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than any where else.

3. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

2. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...

1. All the balloon animals seem to be ribbed and lubricated.



Lyndel

HAHAHAHA!

Lovely.

The scary part is that I used to know a clown that "fitted well" with descriptions 11 and 4....

Louis Jutras

Ribbed and lubricated? ahaahah

Refers to the parents as "the future plaintiffs".

A long chain of handkerchiefs, pulled from his breast pocket, ends with boxer shorts. He puts them back on.

His "dirty hand" gag towel, looks the same on both sides.

Shows up with one suitcase, leaves with three.

The best way to tell if you have hired the wrong clown?

I show up.

Gwyd

"Violent J" and "Shaggy 2 Dope" show up.

Great stuff!

Big ol' "Harley Davidson" emblem on the back of his clown suit.

Announces that now it's time for "Cookies & Jack Daniels."

"Cookies" turns out to be the name of his ex-stripper assistant.

Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZEAUX!"

Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

He only does his "Handcuff Escape Trick" for the police.

Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

Charges the kids five bucks to see "The Multiplying Rabbits."

Can't go too far into the bleachers because of his electronic ankle bracelet.

His catchprase: "Hey kids, what time is it? … And where am I?"

Only a response from Gazzo will do: "You're a VERY RUDE MAN, sir...!"

Closes his show with Goshman's Ding Dong.

Instead of being made out of sponge, it's made of silicone.

The red nose is for real

. . . and then the other cannibal says, "does this clown taste funny to you?" . . .

Great pick up lines from a clown (excerpts from my old comdey act)

It's true what they say about the size of feet and Yes my feet really are that big!

I carry around plenty of protection! (pulls out a handful of balloons)

I love honkers!

The rest I can't put up because they would violate the rules.

One of my favorite songs from the Dr. Demento show...

"Kinko the Kid Loving Clown"
by Ogden Edsel

Kinko, Kinko, the kid-loving clown
if the kids just love me back I'll never wear a frown
Kinko, Kinko, the kid loving clown
if the kids just love me back I'll never wear a frown!!!

Kinko's in his Kinko car, pockets full of change
lots of dirty pictures and sticky candy canes.
All the kids love Kinko for the presents that they get
silly leather clothes to wear and happy cigaretts.

-Hi boys and girls, my name is Kinko the clown!!!
-Hi Kinko!!!
-And I really love you boys and girls!!!
Really, really....
-Awwww
-But my legs get tired standing out in the parking lot handing out
stale tootsie rolls to you rugrats, so if anyone wants to come back
to Kinko's trailer and massage his legs, he'd really really like it.
Really, really.....

Kinko, Kinko, the kid-loving clown
if the kids just love me back I'll never wear a frown
Kinko, Kinko, the kid loving clown
if the kids just love me back I'll never wear a frown!!!

We go to Kinkos clubhouse, sometimes after school
we play in Kinkos crawl space, there's never any room
We have to sit on Kinkos lap there's never any chairs
Kinko likes to tickle us and give us funny stares.

-Gee I haven't had this much fun since Christmas when I got
to play Santa Clause and all the boys and girls got to sit on Kinko's lap-
-Mommy mommy! Kinko hurt me!-
-But that was in Indianapolis and thanks to the liberal reciprocity laws here
Kinko can be with you boys and girls today or anytime.

Jimmy Johnson ran away and didn't say goodbuy
Kinko went to look for him to help the FBI
But Kinko has some handcuffs on his eyes were full of tears
said "I'll be back to play with you sometime in 20 years!"

Kinko, Kinko, the kid-loving clown
the parents wanna beat me up and run me outa town!
Kinko, Kinko, the kid-loving clown
tar and feather Kinko and run him out of town!

-Bye boy's and girls!!!!
-Bye Kinko! See you at the turn of the century!
-Kinko really love you boys and girls!!
Really, really....

Uses the "Stand over here.....on the trapdoor" line, then mutters "I wish".

The twist balloons burst in to balls of fire when they get too close to the cake.

He offers to waive the fee, if he can spend the night.

I actually had to get rid of one clown that worked for me because he did this!

His name is "Gacy the Clown".

EEEEwwwww!

I mean, well, YEAH, but ... eeeeewwww!