What was Captain Hook called before he lost his hand?

Why is orange jam called Marmalade?

What do the elephants in the zoo get for lunch?
An hour!

When they ship out styrofoam, what do they pack it in?..

Do you know "Fat" Burns??...it does

How about the two berger brothers...Lem and Ham

I hve no luck with women...had a hooker tell me..."sorry, not on the first date"

Some people have a way with words..other people not have way

Remember, guns don't kill people... bullets do.

Elephants and digital watches both come in quartz.

Wow, is it hot in here! I sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.

Maxfield; Ugh! that is disgusting.


Well done.

Some classic Tim Vine numbers. Check him out on YouTube too:

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I use:

What are you waiting for? Another one-liner!

"I found out my boyfriend was a transvestite. My mother said; 'Marry him! You'll double your wardrobe!'" - Joan Rivers

I brought a women home and said $50 she lauged at me and said $500, I said "no, I'm tying to give you a deal"

It is best you give her the $500 so she will not tell the police what you did to her illegally.

Money only keeps people quiet temporarily. plus you missed the joke. I was selling my self for 50

I used this one yesterday

sir, don't make me press your face into cookie dough and bake idiot cookies.

This is seriously funny.

I picked up a load of one-liners!

I once saw a magician walk down the street and turn into a bakery.

I gave up golf and took up bowling. I've haven't lost a ball yet.

Lady, would you please tell your dog I'm not a tree?

Hear about the guy who lost his left side?..
He's all right now...

It got him on the golf course. It was a penalty stroke.