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Tom Fenton
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Leeds, UK (but I'm Scottish)
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What was Captain Hook called before he lost his hand?

Why is orange jam called Marmalade?

What do the elephants in the zoo get for lunch?
An hour!
"But there isn't a door"
joseph
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Eternal Order
Please ignore my
17042 Posts

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When they ship out styrofoam, what do they pack it in?..
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
TankTownEek
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15 Posts

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Do you know "Fat" Burns??...it does

How about the two berger brothers...Lem and Ham

I hve no luck with women...had a hooker tell me..."sorry, not on the first date"
Adam1975
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UK
895 Posts

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Some people have a way with words..other people not have way Smile
Ive upped my standards.Now,up yours!
MaxfieldsMagic
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Instead of practicing, I made
2997 Posts

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Remember, guns don't kill people... bullets do.

Elephants and digital watches both come in quartz.
Now appearing nightly in my basement.
TommyJ
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Foxboro, MA
1750 Posts

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Wow, is it hot in here! I sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.
"Keep the Kids Laughing!"
https://www.tommyjamesmagic.com/store
magicgeorge
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Belfast
4299 Posts

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Maxfield; Ugh! that is disgusting.


Well done.
frenfr
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London, UK
36 Posts

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Some classic Tim Vine numbers. Check him out on YouTube too:

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
The man on the top of the mountain didn't fall there.
kannon
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BCN
1025 Posts

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I use: Smile

What are you waiting for? Another one-liner!
My work and the Mtangulizi here http://kannonsworks.weebly.com featuring work on drawing duplications, a fiddle-free billet tear, bar mentalism, pendulums
ed rhodes
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Rhode Island
2727 Posts

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"I found out my boyfriend was a transvestite. My mother said; 'Marry him! You'll double your wardrobe!'" - Joan Rivers
"There's no time to lose," I heard her say.
"Catch your dreams before they slip away."
"Dying all the time, lose your dreams and you could lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?"
ray raymond
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I brought a women home and said $50 she lauged at me and said $500, I said "no, I'm tying to give you a deal"
Dynamike
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Quote:
On 2009-07-10 10:47, ray raymond wrote:
I brought a women home and said $50 she lauged at me and said $500, I said "no, I'm tying to give you a deal"

It is best you give her the $500 so she will not tell the police what you did to her illegally.
ray raymond
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Money only keeps people quiet temporarily. plus you missed the joke. I was selling my self for 50
ray raymond
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I used this one yesterday

sir, don't make me press your face into cookie dough and bake idiot cookies.
Maloney
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Newfoundland, Canada
709 Posts

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This is seriously funny.

I picked up a load of one-liners!
The Magic and Illusion of Jordan Maloney
"Experience the Unexplainable"

www.jordanmaloney.com

Go check it out!
55john55
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135 Posts

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I once saw a magician walk down the street and turn into a bakery.
55john55
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I gave up golf and took up bowling. I've haven't lost a ball yet.
Bob Sanders
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Magic Valley Ranch, Clanton, Alabama
20498 Posts

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Lady, would you please tell your dog I'm not a tree?
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz

AmazedWiz@Yahoo.com
joseph
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Please ignore my
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Hear about the guy who lost his left side?..
He's all right now...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bob Sanders
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Grammar Supervisor
Magic Valley Ranch, Clanton, Alabama
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It got him on the golf course. It was a penalty stroke.
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz

AmazedWiz@Yahoo.com
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