I have a mind like a steel trap - everything that gets caught in it gets mangled!

There is no such thing as gravity - the Earth just sucks...

Be a good boy and go play mumblty-foot!

My favorite housecleaning tool is a hand grenade!

I am on a quest for the 'Fountain of Smart!'

I have lots of new friends - unfortunately, they're all on the internet and want me to by something called veegr - - vyag -- vie-something-or-another!

Well, there goes MY life down the YouTube!

Lee Darrow, C.H.

How about magic one-liners?

To a talkative assistant: "Actually, you don't have any lines in this part of the act" (Martin Lewis)

After dropping a card face-down: "Stay!" (Jamy Ian Swiss)

After dropping a card face-up: "Was that your card?" (Mark Wilden)

After dropping all the cards: "Thank God no one was hurt" (Jamy Ian Swiss again)

After a false climax: "That's OK, folks - the first time I saw this trick, I didn't applaud either." (?)

I love these, mainly because most spectators haven't heard them, no matter how familiar they might be to magicians. Got any others I can stea^H^H^H^Hborrow?

///ark

here's one or two

another couple

I'm not going to cut and paste, because that would be wrong.

A man walks into a military surplus store and says, "Got any camoflage jackets?" and the shopkeeper says "Yeah thousands, but I can't find them".

What have an ostrich, a duck and the IRS got in common?
They can all stick their bills up their a**

There one-liner esque...

Who gave you that tie... Are they angry at you?

Did I ever tell you the one about the brick wall... you'd never get over it.

That is an AWESOME shirt... I think I ran over your dog...

No I'm kidding... Start the car

My favorite compliations:

The book "Sleight of Mouth" by Harry Allen.
All of the Aldo Columbini's books. - there on his website.
Doc Eason's Website - he has some good ones there to share.

and, try to make some up on your own... it's fun!

My Grandmother died last week, she was 93... thank God they were able to save the baby.

My Grandad new precisely the day he was going to die... a judge told him.

I once knew a lovely Spanish girl called Carmen. She married a Jewish guy called
Cohen, but she was a very confused lady... for the first six months of their married life... she didn't know whether she was carmen or cohen. (I know, I know!)

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

If you believe in Telekinesis... raise my hand.

If a book written about failures doesn't sell... is it a success?

I noticed a book at Amazon (well you would) called: 'How to make a fortune from nothing'... it sells for $95.

My Great, Great Grandfather was unlucky... he got shipwrecked and was picked-up by the Titanic.

I backed a horse yesterday at 20-1... came in at 20 after four.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

I went to the doctor and he said what's wrong with you? I said I think I've broken my arm in four places. He said well, you shouldn't go to those places.

I was going to take six Valium this morning, but after the first four I felt so much better.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there a sell-by date on sour cream?

I went to the Barber's yesterday. I said: 'How much is a haircut?' He said: '$10'.
I said:'How much is a shave?' He said: '$5'. I said: 'Shave my head'.

I always knew that you could earn good money from magic, because I once overheard my sister telling her friend that she got paid $50 a trick.

Enough already! More Valium!

I took my car for a service yesterday, I got it stuck in the church doors.

Despite the cost of living have you noticed how it remains so popular.

Maddux

One mind-reader said to the other, "You're fine, how am I?"

John

The following line always gets a laugh...
This is a true story, I just made up yesterday

Don't repeat your parents mistakes, use birth control

geoff diamond

Don't mind him folks, it's just a stage he's going through. (or to)

I come from a large family, Mammals.

My Dads with the police, right now.

Heard about the girl who liked double entendres? she walked into a bar, so the barman gave her one.

If I found out my son was using cocaine I'd rub his nose in it

I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous!!!!


Sean

I said no to drugs....but they just wouldn't listen!!

((exhales))

Robert Haas

I used to be dyslexic but I'm KO now.

I slept like a log last night, I woke up in the fireplace.

If you choke a smirf what colour does it go?

I have to say that there are some seriously funny lines in here.

I'm the 3rd of 2 children.

A legend in his own mind.

Marcel was a legend in his own mime.

We have towels, his, hers and mime.

If you can't hear me, raise your hand.

I got these from Ebay.

I know what you are thinking.....