"Never get married...just find a woman you hate and buy her a house" (Pat Paulsen)

At the beginning of his show last weekend at the Magic Castle, Ted Karmilovich instructed the audience: "If you've got a cell phone, please put it on "pleasure".

Don't apologize, dude. IMHO, that is the funniest pun on this thread. I am not one who believes puns are the lowest forms of humor, but I do believe, for the most part, they generate the least laughs. Puns will invariably get groans on stage, because the audience practically feels OBLIGATED to do so. It is only one man's opinion, but I say this after 30 years of doing stand-up and late-night television monologue writing. The strongest laughs you can get, IMHO, are from jokes that create strong visual images. "Paint the word picture", as my former boss, David Letterman, would always advise. Years ago, I had the pleasure of working a club with the great comedian Robert Schimmel, who told a joke that got perhaps the biggest and longest laugh I've ever heard:

"My dog accidentally swallowed six of my Viagra... the fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to get him off my leg."

Let's decontruct that for a moment-
First and foremost, you can't possibly create a stronger visual image in the minds of the audience than this joke creates. Next, let us consider how many funny elements there are in that one short line. You have a guy's dog taking Viagra (funny already, with also the promise of something even funnier to come). The dog takes it "accidentally"- (even funnier). The fire department gets involved (still funnier). The Jaws of Life are now brought into the equation, and I don't care WHAT the joke is, when the Jaws of Life are involved, it doesn't get any funnier. Finally, you have the dog humping the guy's leg. So now there are at minimum, five extremely funny elements within one short sentence. That's as high a comedy slugging percentage as you're going to see. Keep it visual, folks. Stay away from wordplay. Clever wordsmithing is great on the written page, but falls flat live on stage.

Two turtes attacked a snail...the police asked the snail what happened.

He said "I don't know...it all happened so fast"!!

Hey...I'm half way to 50!!! Thanks to a snail!! It is taking a LONG time!

NO trying to add more but I meant to say two turtLes attacked a snail...I AM SLOW at many things.

As a magician I "work" some "strange events"...I did a "B&D and S&M picnic"...and also a "bulemic stag party"!!!

The "bulemic stag party" is where the cake comes out of the girl!!!

The "B&D and S&M picnic"...was for REAL (really!!!!!!!!) Talk about "lectures" at a convention...the two women that did the "fisting" workshop (a medical table and rubber gloves was involved)...WO Wo WEE WA!!

I DID learn some "slight of hand" from this!! (that I have used since!!)

Just found this thread and I have a FEW I've written down over the years so I'll add a few now 'n then!! Like....

"You know I AM kind of a "famous" magicain...had my face on the cover of several national magizines...of course that's when I got drunk and fell into a news stand"

(A "B&D and S&M picnic"????)

I like this one and use it when it fits..heard it used by a few others but just in case...

"did you hear about the guy that fell into the big vat of varnish at the paint factory???...it was a horrible death..but a beautiful finish"

I have 3 kids...One of each....
Went to the gas station, and there was a loan office inside...

A Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor..the Doc looks at his eyes and asks "have you ever had a cataract?"

The Chinese guy say "No...me always drive Rincon Continto"

A couple new ones for today...

"At my age this might be impressive..the wife and I made love for an hour and 2 minutes the other night!!...of course this was Sunday at 2AM when they moved the clocks ahead"

Speaking of love etc...

"If Valentines Day is for "couples"...what day is for the "single man"??...it's next weekend...Palm Sunday"

Did you hear about the guy who fell in the glass grinding machine?

Seems he made a "spectacle" of himself.

Did you hear about the guy that got hit with an adding machine??...

It was a counter attack.

Did I ever show you where I backed into the buzzsaw?..

I used to play hockey in Sr. Mens League(s) and always won the "Pepridge Farm Award" at the end of the season...

That was for making the most "turn overs" in our own end.

Even corn on the cob would be better off.

Two heckler, one liners
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I thought I told you to wait in the car!

He said, when a big mouthed lady started to blab..... really loud.... in the back of the room

- - - - -- -

Excuse me! I have a $1200 dollar sound system and for some reason... you're much louder... What's your secret?

REAL electric Indian blankets....made by real electric Indians!!

Real Girl Scout cookies made from real Girl Scouts.
Please no Brownie jokes