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Mattillusion
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Hi Everyone,

My name is Matt Roberts and I specialize in stand-up comedy magic for adults. One of my favorite ways to add laughs to my act and make transitions between effects is through the use of Comedy Bits and Sight Gags.

I'd like to start a thread where everyone here who writes comedy for their act could share some of their lines, bits, gags etc. for others to use. Sometimes I'll come up with something that is funny but doesn't quite fit my character... on the other hand this same bit might be perfect for someone else. So why not share it with fellow performers?

Before we get started, here's the rule: you can't share bits, lines, gags or anything that belongs to someone else unless you have their permission to give it away.

The main idea is to share things that you have come up with and want to give to others. Also, if you use something... contribute something. This should be something fun that will benefit everyone. So get those creative juices flowing and see if we can offer some really useful things to our fellow performers!

To get things started, here's a bit I wrote and use in my act. It's a nice spot laugh, it plays well and it's something that every magician can use:

*The magician introduces a prop and tells his audience that he is going to perform a brand new effect for them. "In fact, I'm still trying to get the bugs out." Upon saying this he reaches into the prop and pulls out a big, rubber spider.*

You can use this bit with just about any prop. Just put the bug inside and you're good to go. You are all welcome to use this! It's a good laugh. Have fun.

Now it's your turn... Smile
Zorak
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Maryland, USA
114 Posts

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I do a bit in my sucker egg routine where the dove becomes a small rubber chicken. There is a bit of white scarf protruding from its tail end. I slowly extract the 18" scarf (this gets a laugh).
After it has been completely withdrawn I sniff the scarf and grimace with a "Pee-yew!"
The chicken is tossed aside, the scarf becomes an egg and the egg is broken in a glass.

I pick up the glass, covering it with a scarf and bringing it to the front of the stage. The glass seems to melt, and a couple of feathers fall from under the scarf. The audience believes the dove has returned. I whip away the scarf and a bar of dove soap (in its box) is revealed.
Believe me this gets a real laugh.
Thanks to your bug idea, I think I will put my 6" rubber roach in the soap box. When I remove it, I'll do the punch line..."This trick still has a few bugs in it."
Thanks for sharing.
Zorak --Check out my website at http://www.kiddiekazam.com
I hope this topic gets lots of feedback. Smile
Magic is in the hearts of children from 1 to 101
Please check out my Website: kiddiekazam.com
FREE ORIGINAL CLIPART FOR MAGICIANS & CLOWNS
PROP DESIGNS
MAGIC CARTOONS all drawn by Zorak
jkvand
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Johnstown, PA
658 Posts

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At an appropriate time during your show- maybe between tricks- pull a card or two out of your case and hold them up, saying "Uh oh! You know what this means!? (pause) It means someone out there isn't playing with a full deck!" It's corny, but if you have the right personality/character this gets a good laugh.
Dennis Michael
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Southern, NJ
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I like your Splash Page Zorak. I got a chuckle out of that one. Your site clearly depicts your character.
Dennis Michael
Cabrera
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Seattle
513 Posts

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During your act have an alarm clock start ringing. Tell the audience it's break time. (You're a union magician).
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
Mr Amazeo
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I've done a bit where I ask the spectator that is on stage with me if there is anything in my teeth (especially good for the after dinner crowd). Smile and stretch out your lips for them to look. Then - in a pulling a giant contact lens out of your eye sort of way - pull a large green lettuce (or spinach) leaf out of your mouth. Works for me.
Somecreative Stagename
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Liberty Lake, WA
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A buddy of mine moved to NYC to give stand up comedy a shot. He's been doing OK, but isn't where he wants to be. In joking back and forth with him, we were giving each other a hard time. At one point he said he was at a club the other night and saw a really horrible comedian. At that point I asked if he's been able to talk them into removing the mirrors from the back of the room so it doesn't happen again. Smile

We talked about what a funny line that was and how he was going to try to use it in his act (self-depricating humor).

I'd love to know if anyone finds a use for this.

Paul
Paul G
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I once used this story to introduce a sliding sucker die box to a teenager/highschooler audience. Corny, but it got some good laughs.

"How many of you have brothers and sisters? Has your brother or sister ever done something 'bad?' I mean, so bad that they made you promise not to tell mom or dad? Just about everybody, eh? Make sure you get something in exchange when that happens...One time my brother really messed up, and he made me swear I wouldn't tell on him... I agreed, on the condition he'd give me this little box {or whatever prop you're using} that he had. Oh man, I always wanted this little box cause it did incredible, magical things. And now was my chance to get it. And of course, I never told on him...you know, they never did find my mom's car....
C Christian
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Come out with a skull and say,"This is my Grandfathers Skull" then from your pocket pull out a miniture skull and say,"This is my grandfathers skull when he was little!" Done in the right way you will get some laughs use this at your own risk!! Cheers Chris
sniper1
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malta eu
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I'm thinking about taking stand up comedy

and I jot all the funny stuff that pops into my mind here and there

ok heres a corny one which I tought about an hour ago

2 drops of water are running down between pamela andersons breasts

one of them says look were in the united states
the other says " what makes you certian of that "
and the other replies " well cos were standing in silicon valley"


you can alter this joke to fit an actress who has virtually no breasts at all . by saying something doesn't this scenario remind you of that sitcom?
which one ?
the little house on the PRAIRY
THE MOST CRAZY MAGICIAN ON THE MALTESE ISLANDS
vaillant
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Help required for prizes with a gag ending
example.....

you have won a heart and lung exerciser, they get a balloon....

you have won an am/fm radio cassette aerial for a 1966 austin mini......they get a bent up coathanger...

you have won a collection of hand carved wooden cigarette lighters.....they get a box of matches...

please help with some more

thanks.... Otto....
RideorDie99
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Here is my contribution to this post:

I performed this at a kids show but the adults like this joke. I do the regular Sponge Ball routine where I ask the children what is their favourite subject in school. I tell them that my favorite subject was Math and that we are going to do some math with the sponge balls. But before I go into the trick I get real enthusiastic about math. I say... " In school my favourite subject was math.. and I loved school... so Kids I want you all to enjoy school ... do not complain about doing homework and do what your teacher tells you so you can learn a lot when you're in class... because if you go to school you'll become very successful!!!" ...then I say... "You see I like School and I went to school and LOOK AT ME NOW!"... quietly say, "I'm doing magic for a kid's birthday party"...

This is Funny!
STOP DROP SHUT THEM DOWN AND OPEN UP SHOP
q
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Well I had a bunch of top-notch running gags,

But they eventually got away.

Sniper1, your joke is not too corny until it gets stuck in your teeth
NJJ
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So many PUNS!

What is it with magician's and PUNS!!!!!

Where is the wit, satire, pathos, bathos, observational humour, slapstick, clown and character!
MxJoKeR
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Nowhere, Oklahoma
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I think they might say that they keep those....up there sleaves.....get it....sleaves!,,,achem....so sorry that was un called for
Do or Do-Not, There is no try--Yoda
The Village Idiots
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Orlando
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MxJoker, You mean pun called for.....

Hey Nicholas, don't take this too serious. Sometimes a pun is all that can be thought of. I prefer a higher form of comedy but I can't help but laugh at a good pun.

I don't know if this is too over the top for this board but it is the best pun I have ever heard. My performing partner wrote it.

"I have a pickle up my butt, but it's not a big deal." deal sounding like dill.

Oh come on, that's funny. I don't care who you are.
Some are born idiots.

Some are made idiots.

Some have idiocy thrust upon them.
sniper1
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malta eu
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Behold a new illusion on the market , its wonderfull its sensational , makes your wife , your kids , your car , your house , and half of your money dissapear SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR , CHRISTMASS !! GO TO YOUR LOCAL MAGIC DEAL and get the brand new "DIVORCE SYSTEM " illusion plans . make sure you buy one before stocks finish

Ahhhhhhhh here is one for those guys who tell you , hey can you make my wife dissapear , usually what I do is tell them sure but let me show you another trick first and I ask for their credit card . then I just hand the card to their wife and tell her that the clothes shop around the corner has a 50% off closing sale, and usually that does the trick
THE MOST CRAZY MAGICIAN ON THE MALTESE ISLANDS
Wizzy
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Quote:
On 2004-05-29 14:43, vaillant wrote:
Help required for prizes with a gag ending
example.....

you have won a heart and lung exerciser, they get a balloon....



One I use particularly when MCing
"You have won a three piece suite" - then give them a stick of rock
- then say - "Oh sorry" - break it into three pieces and give it back.

Just as an explanation - I don't know if you have `sticks of rock` in the US - but you must have heard of Blackpool Rock - it's a sweet - get the joke?

Jokes are always worse when you try to explain them!

Wizzy
Smudge
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Quote:
On 2004-05-29 14:43, vaillant wrote:
Help required for prizes with a gag ending
example.....

you have won a heart and lung exerciser, they get a balloon....

you have won an am/fm radio cassette aerial for a 1966 austin mini......they get a bent up coathanger...

you have won a collection of hand carved wooden cigarette lighters.....they get a box of matches...

please help with some more

thanks.... Otto....

You've won a brand new moped...........


Oh sorry it's a Mop head.
duckster
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Texas
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Hey will Tell that Pickle Pun is the best I have ever heard.

But I HATE PUNS!!!!!

I have answer for the other questioning puns presence in a magic show.


Most magicians are big on tricks and little on entertainment and or comedy. Puns are a cheap and uncreative way to fill time during a parade of puzzles.

Do I sound bitter, well I am IF I SEE THAT BANANA BANDANA TRICK ONE MORE TIME...
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