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Josh Riel Inner circle of hell 1995 Posts |
Quote: On 2007-12-16 15:27, Matt Colman wrote:
Magic is doing improbable things with odd items that, under normal circumstances, would be unnessecary and quite often undesirable.
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Mark Rough Inner circle Ivy, Virginia 2110 Posts |
Always some excuse. . . my leg hurts. . . I have the plague. . . my granny died. . . there was a war. . . wah wah wah.
What would Wavy do?
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MitchMagic Loyal user Montreal, Quebec 277 Posts |
I enjoy eating the plague.
Mitchell
Magic For Darfur
Save Us. |
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
I wrote a nice stand up routine while at the funeral home getting my mother in laws arrangements made. The funeral director said it was the most fun he had ever had at work and offered me a job.
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johnnymystic Inner circle North Adams Ma. 1576 Posts |
The Frenches is suckage das frickens sadouche!
Blah blah blah firckensa blah de dah de doo dah day... This thread has been really frickensadouchengay! Hahahahahahaha! I's laughen at my owns fricken das huomor! Nigh...Nows Get Back To Das Chopper! (don't be mad at me...you all know you wanted to say it!)
I drink cheap tequila and vomit
<BR>I cannot eat hot wings...acid reflux <BR>I never inhale <BR>I can put a field dress on a deer |
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johnnymystic Inner circle North Adams Ma. 1576 Posts |
Quote:
On 2007-12-17 23:20, MagicSanta wrote: Santa...this bings to light the love and affection I had for my grandmother in-law, she has since passed away. There was a day, when she was really sick and literally on her deathbed, she said to me and her daughter (my wife)... she said to us she had hidden away over four thousand dollars in the attic, a little leather case it was in. She asked us to buy a really nice stone after she passed on... MagicSanta you should see my middle finger ring, it's silver and has a really nice stone! My grandmother in-law would be proud! ;)
I drink cheap tequila and vomit
<BR>I cannot eat hot wings...acid reflux <BR>I never inhale <BR>I can put a field dress on a deer |
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
My mother in laws last act, and I'm serious, was trying to kick my idiot sister in law, this was in her death bed! I'm sitting watching my wifes family, all morons except my wife, saying to this woman "death is at the doooooor! The reaper is here for your soul!", she was terrified! I told them not to say that and be calming, what do they do? They start to chant "Go toward the light! Go toward the light!". I announced "yeah, cuz no one wants to be haunted by you". They went back to chanting and being kind I said "You sure that light isn't the flames of He!!?". Well, she died and my father in law says to the nurse 'you want to comfert me later?' and my brother in law slapped the nurse and accused her of killing his mother! So began one of the better visits to the inlaws, I mean, the biggest trouble maker was out of the picture if ya know what I mean.
I suggested the following funerals, all turned down by the wife and her sister: 1. Floating her in a gas filled boat into Lake Tahoe while I fire burning arrows at her until I ignite the boat and she floats away like a viking. 2. Tying her to a wild horses then slapping it on the behind and sending her off into the desert. This was panned because the horse may be injured. 3. Bury her in the trailer she lived in and let the father in law and brother in law live in the coffin, the coffin was not only more valuable but nicer inside and out. 4. Sell her to a freak show. Oh, I ended up getting her a nice cardboard coffin with a covering (note: my mother picked the same one out for herself since she didn't want money wasted on what is just gonna rot anyway). My father in law, drunk, walks up to it during the funeral and wails "What I'ma gwona do widout my wooooman!" and he pushes down on the coffin and realizes what it is made up of and hollers "Dis yar box ain't pine it is made of cardboard boxes!". We dragged him out by offering him another beer. So the old guy has a decade of great life after the death then he passes. We go to the same funeral home and we are told that there is good news and bad news. The good news, my father in law had planned his own funeral to have a very nice coffin, metal with trim and silk interior, water proof, and also wanted a service at the funeral home, a full motorcade the 70 miles to the cemetary, and a full memorial service and funeral with military honors to remember his 12 months in the Army. The bad news, he had not paid for any of this except for the $60 to reserve everything. My wife and still idiotice sister in law sat there nodding their approval of everything...then I, the man with the money, told them no nice coffin, no service except the one the vet cemetary puts on (note, he wanted three services, three people showed up at the one he had and of them one knew him, the others were at the bar when the first person left for the funeral), but since I liked him he got a pine coffin rather than cardboard. The point of all this? Well...the point is all of these funerals and their planning and my mother in laws death were all funnier than The Frenches. |
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johnnymystic Inner circle North Adams Ma. 1576 Posts |
MagicSanta...that IS funnier than Das Frenches!
:) My mother in-law was so FAT when she walked down a flight of stairs the stairs didn't creak... They Groaned!!! ;) Which reminds me of this.... http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewt......forum=32
I drink cheap tequila and vomit
<BR>I cannot eat hot wings...acid reflux <BR>I never inhale <BR>I can put a field dress on a deer |
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
When I got married the wife and I and a couple others are in the limo (note, if you call a funeral service and they are not scheduled to use them their limos are cheaper) heading to the reception. My wife, for some reason, was nervous about the reception and I told her not to worry about it "we will show up and there will be paramedics and firemen and it still will be a good party". We show up and in front of the hall are paramedics and firemen. Note that I wasn't predicting anything, I was refering to my cousins who are all firemen and paramedics, it was just coincidence. So we go for a few more runs around town and then back to the reception. Turned out my mother in law, angry because she felt she should be the bell of the ball (my wifes families totally outlay of cash for the wedding etc $0.00, I paid for it...100 percent) and wasn't getting treated like the queen of Norway. From what I was told she walked w/out her cane, her nose in the air, right over a flight of stairs and she fell down and, viola, off she goes to the hospital and it turned out to be a great drunken reception. I later threw up on my wife, that is another story.
Oh, tip....get event insurance when you get married. I am glad I did cuz my mother in law sued me for her injuries. Did I mention she is dead and in Hell now? |
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Rupert Bair Inner circle ? 2179 Posts |
Quote: On 2007-12-17 15:15, Josh Riel wrote: |
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Josh Riel Inner circle of hell 1995 Posts |
Quote: On 2007-12-18 16:47, Matt Colman wrote:
Magic is doing improbable things with odd items that, under normal circumstances, would be unnessecary and quite often undesirable.
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Josh Riel Inner circle of hell 1995 Posts |
Quote:
On 2007-12-18 16:41, MagicSanta wrote: I didn't feel the need to. I figure the courthouse would carry some. I sure as hell wasn't going to pay the kind of money they wanted for a wedding just do I could do it honest.... Anyhoo, I figure the diner we had our reception in had some insurance too. The whole thing cost under $150. I still feel like that was a lot of money, imagine how much beer I could have bought for that... Although, I've found that regarding marriage, you're always making payments towards the deal. It's less like a marriage and more like rent.
Magic is doing improbable things with odd items that, under normal circumstances, would be unnessecary and quite often undesirable.
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magicgeorge Inner circle Belfast 4299 Posts |
Don't do that. You'll break the Café.
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Rupert Bair Inner circle ? 2179 Posts |
.!&%^%*!
Pea swearing at how stupid this whole thread is. |
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
Josh, I watched the wife and her friend (who, this is great, as they are getting ready to walk down the aisle, turns to my wife and says "I think I should tell you this, I'm a lesbian and my boyfriend is really gay and I just brought him here to fool you....now get down there and get hitched!") go to great pains trying to plan this wedding with around 150 to 200 guests. I took over. Here is the break down: Do keep in mind this was a full wedding and reception.
1. The Church. I called the one that foolishly baptised me, cost: $0.00 2. The Minister. I found a guy I went to school with who was a preacher. Cost: $0.00 but my mom slipped him a fifty. 3. The hall. Found a community center, cost $125 plus $75 for the insurance 4. Flowers: The wife: $1,050 The place I found that had beautiful flowers and actually provided them to the wifes selection cost: $125 5. Decorating the hall. I fired the scumbags my idiot sister in law hired for $1000 and had no decorations other than center pieces I bought wholesale for less than $50 and no one noticed or said a thing. 6. Catering: Called up my friend who's kid is Jobs Daughters and they catered the whole shebang for a donation of $350 (buffet style handled by wonderful little girls who got yelled at by the 'decorator' thus why I fired them, the decorator sued me too but I threatened to beat them with my sister in laws corpes and they backed off) 7. Booze. Two kegs, a couple cases of wine and champagne from Costco, and plastic cups....lots of drunks and less than $200 8. That stupid dress which I still have and it will be burned the day after my wife dies if I have anything to do with it but it was beautiful on her (fun trivia, my wife went to the bathroom before the ceremony and one of those toilet seat covers got caught up in her skivies and she had it under her dress the rest of the day, also she stepped in a floor socket and her dress lit up like an angel on a tree and the spectators all went "ohhh!" at the same time, she had a burn mark up her leg). $750 9. Limo from funeral home $30 plus I gave the guy a nice tip Total time to set up: two days (so ladies, straighten up) Oh, there was almost $1000 in damage caused to the hotel rooming by me due to too much tequila. I know what you are thinking....why would a guy who had not had a drink in years have about ten beers and 12 shots of tequila on is wedding night? Well, all I can guess was I wanted to see if I could break the projectile vomiting record, I failed because my dang wife was in the way in that stupid dress that cost me $750. See? Who needs the Frenches! You have my wreck of a life to laugh at.... |
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Josh Riel Inner circle of hell 1995 Posts |
I just realized what a filthy lying man *** I am. I forgot that my wife had bought a wedding dress for the wedding that ended up being in a courthouse.... Also, I felt bad and rented a tux. Only later when I went to my sisters train wreck, sorry "marriage" in the same courthouse did I realize you don't need that crap in a courtroom wedding.
So my actual cost was a bit higher. Also there was the wedding rings. God! Santa, we done got screwed! But it is nice hearing about someone who hates their in-laws as much as I do. I mean as much as I don't like my in laws, but I don't like yours either. I also hate my regular family, but I don't want to bother anyone with that. yet, let's wait till page 26!
Magic is doing improbable things with odd items that, under normal circumstances, would be unnessecary and quite often undesirable.
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MickeyPainless Inner circle California 6065 Posts |
I can't believe I suffered through 20 odd pages to get to the good stuff! It's taken me 20 mins. to type this short post due to extreme reoccurring belly laughs provided by Santa and Josh! Thanks guys!
Mick |
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
You are welcome. Ya know, my wife picked out a ring with a lil' stone and for years she was happy....then came....last year. She got an upgrade (stone only) that cost three times the entire wedding set did. Do you think that bought me even one more bit of nook? No sir....didn't get me nuttin' except the potential of losing an eye if she popped me one.
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Josh Riel Inner circle of hell 1995 Posts |
Aren't you a magician? You buy a fake, then take her to a diamond place, let her see some random stone that you lie and say is her new gift.
Borrow her ring, have the jeweler replace the old stone with the fake stone, bring it to her like your *** near godlike and broke. You can hock the old diamond for some cash, and if she ever finds out about it. You were going to die sometime. I'm sure you could do a false pass somewhere. Anyway, "The Frenches are coming" would make for an odd adult film.
Magic is doing improbable things with odd items that, under normal circumstances, would be unnessecary and quite often undesirable.
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MagicSanta Inner circle Northern Nevada 5841 Posts |
I already told her that when she passes I'm taking the ring back before she is fed to the gators.
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