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pkg
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Attributed to Steven Wright:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

35 - I finally got round to reading the Dictionary - turns out the Zebra did it
Double posters should be shot!

No really!!
NJJ
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Funny stuff! I think some of them aren't actually Wright quotes though.
Rupert Bair
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Yeh I'm with Nicholas...quite a few aren't his.

"I bought my brother some wrapping paper for an xmas gift. I asked them to wrap it in a different coloured paper so he'd know when to stop unwrapping it."

Steven Wright.
jkvand
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"Yesterday I got a speeding ticket. The officer asked me if I realized the speed limit was 55 miles and hour, and I said 'yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long.'"

"When people asked George Washington to show his ID, I wonder if he just held up a quarter?"

I saw him live at Penn State in the early 90's and he was awesome. I don't think he ever got the acclaim that he could have, and I'm not sure why.
Jerrine
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Dead pan delivery people never get the due they are due.
Bob Newhart might possibly be an exception.
magicgeorge
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I think most of them weren't Steven Wright quotes. I only saw 2 that I know where his and a couple more that could be.
5 was Vic Reeves.
8 was the bumper sticker of an annoying person.

George
kimmo
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I think number 8 was Dolly Parton, wasn't it?

I always liked:

'Sponges grow in the sea....

...Imagine how deep it would be if they didn't.'
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revlovejoy
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If you like Wright, check out Mitch Hedberg. Tragic end, but a funny guy who was the closest thing the current comedy generation had to SW.
Tony Brent
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The "raise my hand" line belongs to Emo Phillips.

Tony Brent
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Magic Rob
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Revlovjoy,
I share your opinion about Mitch Hedberg. His delivery was not as dead pan as SW, and therefore he seemed more personable; like the kind of person you would want hang out with. He was very funny and different.

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

An escalator never goes out of order. They just put up a sign that says "Stairs".
THEGUY26 (Will Swanson)
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There was one on Family Guy:

"I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone"
LLL
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Mitch was awesome... my favourite:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.
Rupert Bair
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Mitch was great. The missing family at the restuarant is very funny.

"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."
LLL
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Quote:
On 2007-12-19 10:02, Matt Colman wrote:
Mitch was great. The missing family at the restuarant is very funny.

"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."


pmsl
The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.
Thomas Wayne
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Quote:
On 2007-12-07 03:50, Magic Rob wrote:
[...]
My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

An escalator never goes out of order. They just put up a sign that says "Stairs".


If you like Mitch Hedburg it seems to me it would hard to have just one favorite Mitch Hedburg joke. So I made a quick list from my Mitch Hedburg file by copying every tenth joke, which I present here now for your enjoyment:

I got an ant farm. Them little fellas didn't grow sh*t.


I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."


The thing about tennis is: no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*****g relentless.


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're being cocky.


Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. God**mn it Otto, you’re an alcoholic. God**mn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.


I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.


The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."


I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...


Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. I mean, come on… the guy didn't even get his degree!



TW
MOST magicians: "Here's a quarter, it's gone, you're an idiot, it's back, you're a jerk, show's over." Jerry Seinfeld
Rupert Bair
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R.I.P Mitch.
J Hanes
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I hope folks aren't thinking of using any of the aforementioned lines.
bitterman
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How-some-ever: pound for pound, Bill Hicks was a much funnier dead comic than Mitch. Denis Leary kept his act alive for all of us to enjoy...

Just one guy talk.
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Justin Style
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My fav:

I'm getting a full body tattoo of myself, only taller.
Russell Davidson
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Bill Hicks was the daddy for me. Steven Wright & Mitch also very good. Mitch's jellybean jar at the fare story was my personal fave.

Denis Leary pretty much stole Hicks'routine btw. Well, actually that's not quite true as David Baddiel wrote most of 'No Cure for Cancer'so it was him. Thievin git.
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