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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » "Well, duh!" Good Ol' blonde Jokes (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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daffydoug
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Ok. Time for blonde jokes. Post your best blonde jokes here. hit me with your best shots!
I'll begin:

Blonde Calender:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Posted: Apr 13, 2008 3:07pm
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Ray Ouellette
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"Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice"
jocdoc
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Ok, here are my two favorites:

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's cheap, not too bright, and spreads easy!
----

These 3 blondes are out hiking when they stumble across some tracks. The first one says: "Look, girls, rabbit tracks!"

The second blonde looks and says "No, you're wrong. These are horsey tracks."

Now the 3rd one is sort of like Sherlock Holmes of the group. She examines the tracks with her magnifying glass and then raises a finger to check the wind. Finally, she announces "Girls, in my opinion, these are elephant tracks. Yup, definitely, elephant tracks."

Well, they kept on arguing and arguing until finally.........the train hit them!
Life is an improv. The game goes on...
daffydoug
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How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
The joystick is wet.

Posted: Apr 14, 2008 6:40am
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

Posted: Apr 14, 2008 8:07pm
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

C'mon guys, now help me out...you can do better than this!

Posted: Apr 14, 2008 8:57pm
I feel so lonely here, guys.

Posted: Apr 16, 2008 5:42pm
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Posted: Apr 16, 2008 7:18pm
Kyle? Photius? Anybody?

Are you guys doing this on purpose???

Am I on candid camera?
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
jimhlou
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Blondes DO have more fun - they just don't know it.

Jim
daffydoug
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Good one!
OK, Why was the blondes' belly button so sore ?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Posted: Apr 17, 2008 4:52pm
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world" and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world" and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think"...' and it sucked her in.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
The Donster
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How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle you shine a flashlight in her ear.
daffydoug
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A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!!!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Father Photius
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Blonde with a coach ticket gets on an airplane and sits in first class. The flight attendant tells her she will have to move to coach in the rear of the plane, but the blonde said "I'm not moving, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Las Vegas"
The flight attendant tries to explain to her the difference between coach and first class tickets and why she needs to move to the back but the blonde responds "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Las Vegas"
Next one of the sympathetic first class passengers again tries to explain to the blonde why she needs to move back to coach class, but the blonde again responds "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Las Vegas"
Finally in frustration the flight attendant goes and tells the pilot the situation, he tells her, "let me talk to her, my wife is a blonde, maybe I can explain it to her"
The pilot goes back and says a few words to the blonde who gets up, moves back to coach and says "Well why didn't somebody say so."
The flight attendant asked the pilot what he told her and he responded
" I told her first class wasn't going to Las Vegas"

Posted: Apr 18, 2008 9:42pm
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland, just before arriving they passed a sign that said "Disneyland Left" and they went back home.

Posted: Apr 18, 2008 9:43pm
Two blondes were driving from Dallas to Los Angeles, in New Mexico they passed a sign that said "Clean restrooms ahead" and by the time they got to Los Angeles they had cleaned 147 of them.
"Now here's the man with the 25 cent hands, that two bit magician..."
daffydoug
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There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ???!!!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Dustin Baker
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Why do blonde nurses carry red markers?
In case they need to draw blood.

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 12:56am
Come-on daffy, you're not even trying anymore.

Not every blonde is a slut - we're talking 60. . . 70 percent tops.

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 12:57am
An old bowling saying:

What do a strike and a blonde have in common?
As long as they go down - it doesn't matter how it looked.
Think inside the box. . . it's less crowded.
daffydoug
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I don't have to try..I'm the best!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 6:28am
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 6:33am
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Chappo
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Nice one Daffy! That's one of my favourites! Smile

What do you call a blonde's skeleton in a closet?
Last years hide and seek champion.
The rules of a sleight of hand artist, Are three, and all others are vain,

The 1st & the 2nd are practice... And the 3rd one is practice again


- 'Magic of the Hands', Edward Victor (1940)
daffydoug
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 5:06pm
What do Blondes say after sex?

Thanks Guys! OR
Are you boys all in the same band? OR
Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 5:34pm
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 8:43pm
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?? When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Dustin Baker
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Why did the blonde break her cell phone?

The recording kept telling her to "hit pound".
Think inside the box. . . it's less crowded.
daffydoug
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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

Posted: Apr 20, 2008 9:01am
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Posted: Apr 20, 2008 3:34pm
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Posted: Apr 20, 2008 4:17pm
A blonde college co-ed ran in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she sobbed. "I did? What did I tell you?" her father asked. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble," she sniffed.. "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," her father said. "There must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she cried. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
stoneunhinged
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Quote:
On 2008-04-19 20:43, daffydoug wrote:
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?? When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.


OK, I admit it. I laughed at this one.

(Even though I despise your offensive stereotyping genderism.)
spatlind
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The local postie sets out on his rounds on his final day of work after 30 years service.
At the first house the door opens and Mrs Cccper greets him with along with her family. "Congratulations" she exclaims and presents him with a retirement card. He thanks her and sets off on his way.
At the second house he is greeted again, this time by Mrs Young and her children. "Happy retirement" they all call out and present him with a cake. He thanks them profusely and heads off again.
At the third house the door opens and standing there completely naked is the beautiful young blonde, Mrs Smith. Without saying a word, she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and proceeds to give him the most amazing sex of his life. Afterwards she asks if he'd like a coffee, so he agrees and she goes downstairs.
A few minutes later, redressed, he follows her to the kitchen where he finds a cup of coffee waiting for him on the table. Beside the mug is a pound coin. He sits down and takes a gulp of the coffee. A little puzzled, he says
"Wow, thank you. That was incredible but I have to ask. Why the pound coin?" to which she replies,
"Well I was talking to my husband last night and when I told him you were retiring and asked what we should give you, he said f*#! him, give him a pound"..
Actions lie louder than words - Carolyn Wells

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature - Frank Lloyd Wright.
Justin Style
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Three Blonds walk into a bar...

Not one of them noticed it!
spatlind
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Two blondes are in the airport, about to check in. One says to the other "I wish we brought the tv." The other says "Why would you want the tv, we are going on holidays," to which the other replies "because the tickets and passports are on top of it".

Posted: May 21, 2008 9:44pm
Husband arrives home to find blonde wife painting the house. She is doing well, however dripping with sweat. Husband asks, why are you wearing a leather jacket and an anorak. She replies "Read the tin. It says for best results put on two coats..."
Actions lie louder than words - Carolyn Wells

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature - Frank Lloyd Wright.
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