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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Needed - a great joke to start a speech! (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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ChrisZampese
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When is the speech phonic?
The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are
phonic69
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The speech is on July the 4th, so there is some time left yet!

I don't get it "The Donster"!

Smile
wayman
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Phonic69

A magic friend sent me this... It should take up about 10 minutes of your speech!!

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Startled by this he turned, and to his amazement through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again. As fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...still it came...

...BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it...

...the coffin stopped.
phonic69
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Am I being stupid? I don't get it!

Smile
The Donster
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OK, Benelyn is something to stop a cough, just like coughing and coffin. Don,
phonic69
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Oh right, I should have spotted that!

I don't want to appear as someone with a humour deficiency— normally I understand jokes!

Here's one:

Q. How do you cut the sea?
A. With a seesaw!

Smile
Adam V
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Q: What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

A: Bob.
Adam V - 9 out of 10 dentists recommend him.
The Donster
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Ok what did one Magician say to another Magician?

A. Who was that Lady I Sawed you with Last Night?
joseph
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I can't ever remember my speeches so I bought Harry Lorayne's Memory Book; I forgot where I put it. I was working on a problem on the way to school; When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Smile
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Docc Spurlock
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The old saying......"A funny thing happen on the way here" LOL LOL
"CREATOR OF THE FLOATING FLAME TO DOVE"


.


If you are always looking back you can't see what's in front of you so when you bump your head again you have no one to blame but yourself!
twistedace
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How about "I'm glad to be here ladies and gentlemen. While I give this speech I want you to remember that I am a professional, which doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at what I do, it simply means that I get paid for what I do."
shomemagic
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How about.
I am the very best magician available in this price range.
Magically,

Mike King - Sho-Me Magic

You can e-mail me at: shomemagic@gmail.com
Review King
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Take my LIFE-PLEASE. Use it, it will get howls from older audiences that remember Henny Youngman's wife joke. Smile
"Of all words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are, "It might have been"

..........John Greenleaf Whittier
NJJ
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It sounds like you are not actually doing a magic show but rather giving a speech where you have to open with a joke.

Try searching for jokes online and look for ones that are related to education and teachers.

E.g. walk on cross eyed and say "This is my impression of Mr. (insert soft touch teacher here)... I can't control my pupils.

Boom Boom

Hello?

Hello?

Is this thing on?
m.ruetz
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I am sure you've all heard the one about the parrot and cruise ship magician, well if you haven't here goes. Elaborate with more details if desired but here's the basic joke.

A new magician was hired to perform on the cruise ship but he didn't know about the captain's annoying parrot. Every night the parrot would watch the act and he would divulge the workings of his tricks.

"It's up his sleeve" the parrot would say.

The next night the parrot watched on again, "It's in the trap door" the parrot squawked.

After the show, there was a terrible accident and the ship sank. The magician was clinging for dear life on a floating piece of the wreckage. A few minutes later, the parrot flew over to the magician and lands on a piece of wood floating next to the magician.

The parrot looks right and then turns his head completely around to the left and pauses.

Then the parrot says, "Ok, I give up, where's the ship?"
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phonic69
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You are indeed correct, Nicholas J. Johnson, there will be little magic but there will be a requirement for a great opener!

There's been some odd jokes thrown about - still there's a month to the speech so keep them coming!


Smile Smile
magic1178
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Howdy phonic,here goes

Hello; As you all know, or maybe you don't know, I'm a magician and I unfortunately just broke up with my girlfriend.... pause (don't actually say pause, hehe) I state your name, (nevermind).

We had conflict in differences.
I am a magician and she is a psychic.

I'm sad to say, she broke up with me before we ever met. Smile

Ok I tried.

If anyone here believes in telekinesis, the ability to move objects with the power of your mind, please raise my hand Smile
Derek Johnston
drosenbe0813
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There's the joke about Mom waking up Johnny... 'Johnny... time to got to school",
"Aw mom, I hate school, none of the kids like me, they make fun of me... I really don't want to go to school today.

"Now Johnny... you are going to school today... you are the principal and you have to go!!!

It's best if you substitute the real principal's name, of course.
Dynamike
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Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?
Danny Diamond
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Quote:
On 2009-07-31 12:57, Dynamike wrote:
Why are all of you looking at me like that, you never seen a black magician before?


Actually, the thought of the OP - a white guy from the UK - saying that line, did make me laugh for some odd reason.

But I think your suggestion might be 6 years too late for him.
You don't drown by falling in the water;

you drown by staying there.



- Edwin Louis Cole
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