"You are going to have to excuse me for the way I am speaking to you today. It is because I got little sleep last night. A lady kept banging on my door all night long. She kept pounding on my door keeping me awake. So in the morning time, I finally let her out."

My wife asked me if she died, would I ever ger remarried. I said, "Probably. I have a lot of years left, and although I'd miss you, I would get lonely". She said "Oh.... would you live in this house?". I said, "Probably. This house is comfortable, and we have spent a lot of time making it a home". "Oh, she said...... would you replace my pictures with hers?". I replied, "Well, I wouldn't put yours away, but I would put pictures of us up on the wall and in plain view, sure." Not too happy, she asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And I said, "Certainly not!......she's left-handed"

Heard this one once and it appealed to my sense of humor.......malities, malities,malities, malities....now that's the formalities out of the way.

Since this was posted in April of 2003, can we assume the speech is over and you no longer need free material?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks Spartacus, that made me laugh.

I completely agre with Ryan.

Open with:

I was hanging out with my magician buddies last night and they were bragging about all the great places they are perorming and how well they are doing. They are performing places like..Japan, Europe, China, Korea, Las Vegas and so on.

Boy are they going to jealous when I tell them that I did a magic show......at or for (Name or Location of your choice)
Holiday Inn in Bakersfield.