Thanks guys. I like this Avatar too, as it's my Magician 95% of the time, BUT I like my old one too as it's a Character and Dave Diamond is suppose to I guess make a split avatar. So it has BOTH those pictures. I put up the link. That way you can see the two differences side by side. I agree with what Destiny wrote as far as what I did was wrong. I think though she said things without knowing all the information. While yes I love Horror movies, I love comedy too, and have LOTS od comedies I watch. I love Adam Sandler, Jum Carey Movies, and while I listen to Metal 70% of the time, I ALSO like soft rock, Kansas, Foreinger, The Beach Boys, Dance Music, hell even disco. I wrote a shorter, but more detailed thing on what I went through including the after effects and what Happened BEFORE I went into jail, on facebook, (which I have LOTS of Magiciand there) tag me back, Whit, Doc, Alex Kazam, and they even said plus my own friends a few that work in Mental Health that sais that putting me off my medicine was wrong. I'll put their comments (just a couple anonymously). I wrote...

(? first let me say sorry for laying this on you as you have your own life to worry about honey . Down beloew is the journal entry I wrote that morning before my arrest for the "Team" I wrote about before kinda detailing of some of my ORIGINAL reasons as to WHY. I have NEVER had issues of feeling I was born the wrong sex but since literally 19 or 20 I fantasized getting married having babies...etc. I've always loved romance BUT from a man's point of view. Just as girls picture themselves the heroines the guys put themselves as the heroes. Look ?, I'm writing a SHORT Romance novel that's kind true. I took creative writing in H.S. (Psychology) took and did well. It based on my personal "Dream Meaning" of my "Ideal" (I'm a Idealist) girl. On page one it's a character analysis of me with it says "Ed - You should know who I am", and the female character (Stephanie), and it's basically in detail "My Type". which is this 19 year old varsity cheerleader who's a senior in High School, BUT LEGAL. Basically I've always wanted to meet someone doing my magic. To me as long as they are LEGAL age doesn't matter. My mom was 17, and my Dad 27 when they were married and SHE chased after him. It was 1970, and things were different. NOT that you would but please don't think ill toward my Dad. He was a great guy (R.I.P. since 94), was always helping people especially fixing their cars since he was a mechanic all his life. He raised myself and younger siblings since I was 10 as my parents divorced NOT due to age but money and arguing.

So why older people may make good parents the age groyp I go for 18-23/25, find me less attractive. They want these young cool studs nice cars...etc. Hell when I was 28 I started become very unattractive to them, so that's another reason I feel I'm on a clock (Though rarely some young girls find older guys attractive. I feel I'm pretty moralistic and have a good moral compass and I honestly find nothing at all wrong with it. Also I'm young at heart like 18-21 and find nothing wrong with it. Younger girls have this wide-eyed inquisitive, purity and innocence I like and for the most part haven't been "Corrupted" by the world and are more open - minded. AS I said AGE DOESN'T MATTER. When I was 28 I saw a 36 year old. To tell you the truth out of my 4 serious girlfriends only 1, yes (ONE) was younger, so I've tried older girls. Also I'm NOT into looks at all honest to God, but younger girls have this "Cuteness" maybe it's baby fat or something. I'd LOVE to meet someone like that fall in love get married and have babies. I know, you're saying "well that's not entirely fair as they may want to go to college, travel, and not be tied down BUT a rare few want babies and a man. Also they're more playful, and childlike (NOT childish) as I need someone who can keep me young at heart and on my toes .

I do kinda disagree that you have to be healthy to be in a relationship my journal goes into that. Ozzy Osbourne was worse off than me and Sharon came a long and kind of kicked him into gear and there's other stories like that. My own Therapist and Doctor wishes SOON I'd find someone. My Dr. said "Eddie too bad you don't have a mate because lots of times when going though rough times they can be a great support". Anyway I'll send you, well everyone in a tag the first 3 pages.

Myself I want healthy babies, BUT I've always, ALWAYS (and I know, just know) my first baby will be a baby girl. With any luck she'll look like my wife. Honest to God if her or ANY of my kids looked like me I'd TRULY feel VERY BAD for them, for REAL. I always wanted a "Daddy's Girl". Also not that I'm a wimp, I'm NOT masculine at all. I'm NOT into sports, cars, rough housing and so on. I'm more of a cuddler, like music, like acting, plays, T.V. and movies more. By nature "Most" girls are more cuddlers. Awwww.... I can see it now, I'm in my easy chair watching T.V. and my daughter's head is popping into view sucking her thumb and her blankey in one hand, her hands held up motioning she wants up to watch T.V. with Daddy. You tears have literally come to my eyes at the thought of holding my babies. It will be so beautiful knowing I, my wife and God created someone so perfect.. Okay here's that journal, again thanks and sorry for being a burden hon).

I feel I got a "F" in life, and an WAY far behind most of of my classmates. It's my OWN fault. though I feel, I've tried for the most pat. I have MIXED feelings about collecting Social Security Disability. It WASN'T even my idea to go on it at age 20. My mom, my friend Paul, and Seacoast pushed as they wanted me taken care of so I eventually agreed. I feel I'm a drain on society, a leach, scum, and guilty. I feel people incuding my family are judging me and RIGHTLY SO. I feel my family, friends and so on feel I'm a loser. I told my therapist, and she said that it's my depression that puts me down, and my family loves me and doesn't think I'm a loser but have a sickness, so that's what I try to tell myself. On the other hand without it I'd be HOMELESS, HUNGRY, lose my medical, my medication which I NEED or I'd be a lot worse believe it or not. I do have a REAL illness it's not emotional not not physical. Just like people HAVE TO take medication for heart problems, I have to for my illness. To think that, that's not true is discrimination again the Mentally Ill. I'm thankful and blessed, but I feel kinda screwed at the same time like I'm taking money away from other people. I DO want to get better. Like I said I need money to make money. I'd like upfront (not that I think I'm more special than anyone else) $10,000.00 for Hypnotherapy Training, a Used Car, Money To Rent Office Space, and Money to put into my Magic especially demo tapes, headshots..etc for advertising. Till then I'm stuck I feel. I wouldn't dare ask my family as they have money problems of their own, and since I have no colladeral. Hell even with a Part-Time job, it would take like 3-5 years and I don't have that wanting to be married with kids before I get too old (too old being 35, I'm 32 now) plus I'd lose my medical benefits.

My ultimate goal is to have a Hypnotherapy Practice, with doing my Magic on the side. I love helping people and bringing joy to others. I know people say you have to work a crappy job for a few years in order to do your "Dream Job", I've just talked about that. I'm NOT lazy as you can see I've though this out and HARD. I've also mentioned that not just one, or two occasions, but like 3 or 4, I've tried to volunteer doing my Magic NOT just in my town's hospital, but other Hospitals, but most don't have kid ward (Though I perform for all ages) and you need to have a certsin type of insurance which neither they or myself had. I've also called my Public Library, PLUS others in my area a few times never to hear anything back. I don't mind and I WANT to volunteer BUT if I do it's ON MY TERMS doing my Magic as it's what I do BEST. Also since I've gotten out Last December (The bad suicide attempt), there I made goals, to get out more visit friends go to therapy more and I'VE done that, but still feel bad. That's why I put myself in here because I kinda made a deal with my sister I'd try harder, and wouldn't try to take my life as I have beautiful nieces to think about. That's why I out myself in here before it got too bad I tried taking my life. I came in VOLUNTARILY. I don't want to be pushed out the door too quickly as you've done before. Yes I was going out more, even to the soup kitchen, and I even visited a friend I haven't seen in like 8 months ONLY to end badly as you guys here know as I've talked about it. So when I don't try I feel screwed, and when I do try nothing changes either

As you know I BADLY want a mate and kids. I have since I was like 20 which is odd especially for a male. I'm a Happy and Proud Uncle, but I want it TOO. I'm happy for my siblins, but you can be happy, and still be envious. That's human, my therapist and even my Mom said that's normal. I know you said you have to be healthy to be in a healthy relationship. I agree to a point, but that is something YOU WILL NEVER EVER sell me on Totally. Look at Ozzy Osbourne. He was a drug addicted mess (a LOT worse than me), and she straightened him out. Yes he's had his up and downs but is fine. Hell for 3 ****ing years I was out of the hospital, and HEALTHY, and I didn't meet anyone. I can poke people so many holes in that argument though I'm not here to argue. Hell I know girls with guys that treat them like hell. I'm not perfect, but I've NEVER hit a girl, and try to treat them descent and they pick those jerks over me. My own Doctor, and Therapist who has known me longer than you guys wishes I'd meet someone reall soon. Even my Doctor said "Yes sometimes having someone there helps you get through the rough times better Eddie". You CAN die of a broken heart, my Mom says that even. AGAIN, my Catholic Church has no singles group. I've tried 1. match.com, but I'd like to try EHarmony one day soon.

While yes I want to meet someone real bad, I feel guilty too. Why? I have nothing to offer a girl, except myself, love, doing things for them, but materially no. My therapist and even people I know say not all girls are into material stuff. I'm just old fashioned. I want babies and I sure as hell don't want them on welfare. Obviously if it was a emergency I'd have to swallow my pride, but to me, being a "Man" means taking care of your wife and kids and being a good providor. That's just common sense to me people......but yet I need that love, that physicality. I desire strongly to fall asleep, and wake-up with someone next to me. As far as money if it was just her and I, I wouldn't feel as bad about the money, but when I get kids I'll take care of my responsibility. I just need that chance, a little money to get started. I know I'd make a good father, probably a worried father but a good one. I just want to get better. Thanks, for listening, Ed.


Replies I got was....


A Friend Who Works In The Mental Health System

"Hey...I just wanted to say a few things...most of all I am so sorry that you were subjected to such horrible treatment/discrimination. I work in the mental health field and am disgusted by what happened to you. Please PLEASE contact a lawyer and perhaps even write a letter to the governor. What you went through is very very illegal and completly unethical. These people involved should not be working in this field. Honestly you will own the state of new hampshire (not that its your goal) but I would bet that you conviction would be exponged. Please call or meet with someone. If you voluntary went there looking for help they are supposed to help you regardless of if they think you are not a risk. Take care and stay strong. "

A Friend of mine I went to School with Police Luietenant and Town Prosecutor

"Ed, try to keep some perspective. This may seem like the worlds biggest deal right now, but it like everything else will pass. Your "criminal record" can be annulled like it never happened three years after the sentence is over, so it does not have to stick with you forever. I am going away for work, but if you want to talk about this more. You... Read More can give me a call at ***-7**8. That is my desk, so I won't be there until April 6th, but I would be happy to talk with you then.

Hang in there.


Friend

"Wow Ed ..my heart is breaking for you hunny. I like you Ed will admit for others to hear as well in attempt to join you in the fight to break the stigma over mental illness. I also have Bipolar disorder. Which is taken care of with medicine and weekly therapy. It does not make you a freak..it means you are just a person that struggles with very ... Read Moredeep depression. It is genetic and its also something that cannot be helped since it is a chemical inbalance in the brain. Not all Bipolars are suicidal but we have all had the thoughts yes. But you show me one person that hasnt ever even once in their darkest hour had a fleeting thought of ending it all and I'd like to shake their hand. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you got a raw deal. Remember that even though you feel alone you are not, you have friends that you never think of....like me. Not someone that has spent any time with you really, but somene that cares and listens. I am here whenever you need to talk ."


Friend

"I am so sorry for how messed up our systems are! I have a family memeber going through similar situation! I feel stuck trying to help him! I am here to talk if you need it! Maybe we can work with each other to help you guys out! My Number is listed so do try to call in the eve if you like to talk! Peace!"

Anonymous Magician

"That's totally ridiculous mate. Keep all your papers, all on-the-record stuff, and all off-the-record stuff. I myself am always here if and when you need to talk. I am going into criminology next year, and hope one day to be able to stop mistreatment like yours. Keep fighting it, and never stop. Get a good lawyer, and don't take that crap. We all ... Read Moremake mistakes, but seeing a fellow magician incarcerated for such an exaggerated period of time, makes me want to throw much more than a chair! Let me know how things turn out.
That's totally ridiculous mate. Keep all your papers, all on-the-record stuff, and all off-the-record stuff. I myself am always here if and when you need to talk. I am going into criminology next year, and hope one day to be able to stop mistreatment like yours. Keep fighting it, and never stop. Get a good lawyer, and don't take that crap. We all ... Read Moremake mistakes, but seeing a fellow magician incarcerated for such an exaggerated period of time, makes me want to throw much more than a chair! Let me know how things turn out."



So I've recieved so much support from HERE and other sites NOT that I mean to dump on people. I thank you, even Destiny her Heart is in the right place she just didn't have all the pieces to my puzzle is all. On the same Token I'me here for YOU, Ed, (Eddini), C.H.

Ed, Destiny is an extremely loving person. Her heart is not only in the right place; she also perceives what hurts you. Trust me. Destiny also knows what hurts me. Destiny has wisdom. God has given her that.

Listen to her. Don't say that she doesn't have all the pieces of the puzzle. She does. She is wise. Listen to her. Please.

Jeff

No dount I was just talking about me being Goth, or dressing in make-up or listening to metal all the time. That's all, and yes she does seem very genuine. Sadly not very many people like that these days Jeff. Peace, Ed, (Eddini), C.H.

Keep going, Ed!

Piers.

Thanks Piers I will, you too, Ed, (Eddini), C.H.

Keep on going Ed..

As for the comments about dropping goth attitudes and accepting yourself. I want to make an observation. If you ARE a goth, techno head or whatever then accept yourself as that!!!! At the age of 26 Im only just learning that its ok to live your life as the person you are. Goth shouldnt be a phase that people just expect you to 'grow out of' in adolescence

Lozey,

I have nothing against Gothdom.

A quick glance at my pic would indicate I enjoy some of it's aesthetics.

(Mind you very few Goths carry on into adulthood - most do grow out of it after a usually late adolescence - very late in my case - I'm 49.)

I also believe totally it's ok to live your life as the person you are - unless of course the person you are is self destructive and a danger to those around you.

This appears to be the situation Ed constantly finds himself in.

That would indicate to me that changes are necessary.

Ed has pointed out that my assumption he is a Goth are wrong - from memory he's only had the make-up on 3 times in his life.

My point however remains. It's not just ok to live your life as the person you are but imperative to accept the person you are.

In my opinion, and this is not a fact - only an opinion - the person you are is not a Goth, Nerd, Christian, Hari Krishna, Businessperson etc etc.

That is all the window dressing you present to the world.

Strip naked, take off any adornment and accept that person - then move onto your chosen lifestyle and image.

While I'm not entirely comfortable talking about Ed publicly like this - he asks for help and he is willing to have the discussion - and he considers what you say even if he disagrees, which shows a maturity and decency not often seen in these places.

I would not participate in these discussions except I sense in Ed a very decent person, struggling to overcome some terrible hurts which cause him to *&^%$ things up for himself and those around him.

I wish him all the best and know there is hope for him - because he is willing to try - and he senses that although it's hard work - it's worth the struggle - and he's right - because while life is always hard work and difficult to understand - it's a &^%#ing great thing.

Destiny

Thank you. I'm not into labels BUT if I were I would consider myself ME first of all, but Catholic, Metal Head, and a person with Gothic Tendencies, as in I love the arcitexture (however you spell it), the art, I love spanish Artist Victoria Frances, and the finding of Death though sad but beautiful, as the person has HOPEFULLY moved on to something greater. Also though I go for the all american cheerleader innocent Christian girl next door type, I also since I love legs/feet (people know that) love the way Gothic Girls dress, nylons, fishnets, boots...etc. Also I'm a big eye person. Gothic girls (as long as it's not too much) highlight there eyes beautifully. I'm writing a short love story 5 pages so fat and I'll put what I have so far on here. It's me, me ideal girl, and my ideal way of how I'd like to meet someone. All of what I say in the book, is what I'd say in real life. Anyway I have a Character anaylsis of my "Ideal Girl". I'm a "Idealist / Realist" if that makes sense. Thanks Destiny for believing in me, I appreciate it, Ed, (Eddini), C.H.

Eddini,I am sorry about your fate,I too believe you should follow the advice of Destiny,
In the mean time I shall pray for you.
Its a shame you did not have a deck of cards with you for those 14 days,
There is no better place than jail to work on your "Classic Pass"