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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Comedy fill-ins or funny one-liners (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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BroDavid
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America’s North Coast, Ohio
3177 Posts

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I just perfromed for a group that was dedicating a Christian Coffee House.

They had a very load band playing, and then there a message of dedication given by the Pastor, and HE was loud too.

So right before I finally got the microphone, as I was thinking; man, this is loud. I saw my inspiration for my opening line sitting on a table next to the bands sound board.

I started out saying that after listening to the music and Pastor Paul, I was curious whether of not God was hard of hearing, or it was the congregation?

I continued; Apparently Pastor Paul thinks it is the congregation that is hard of hearing, and it is no wonder he is preaching so loud. He is preaching tonight from an "Amplified Bible"

It got a nice laugh.

But frankly I was the one who got the bigger laugh when the music was loud, and the pastor was loud and I looked over and saw it, sitting next to the sound board, there really was an "Amplified Bible." It was a naturally occurring sight gag, that really worked for me.

Anyway, I am sure I will use that Amplified Bible line or a suitable variation elsewhere before I am done with it.

BroDavid
If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
kihei kid
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Dog House
1039 Posts

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Quote:
On 2004-03-23 20:56, Trois wrote:
Yes magicness was pretty weak. Doesn't quite get it, or am I just getting too old ?

Maybe we are both getting to old, that site was pathetic.
In loving memory of Hughie Thomasson 1952-2007.

You brought something beautiful to this world, you touched my heart, my soul and my life. You will be greatly missed.

Until we meet again “my old friend”.
prospero
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Elsewhere
572 Posts

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If you're looking for some, ahem, moderately funny material.

--Ace routine (around the second or third ace): "And no, this is NOT going to get boring." *pause for a few seconds* "I hope."

--When asking someone to pick a card, wave a card around under the deck. "Pick a card ANY card. ANY card at all. You have a COMPLETELY FREE CHOICE" *getting in their face aroung here*

--It seems to work for me when it looks like I'm uncertain about what to do. Say some bull**** magic comment like "I'm going to my pocket, for, uuh... wuffledust. Yeah, wuffledest" *move eyes back and forth sheepishly.*

--Running through the deck, ask them if they think it's an ordinary deck (after a particularly amazing trick). If they say "yes," look at them quizzically for a second then say ""You're not very smart, are you?" If they say "no," pause for a second and then nod and say "I really don't like you very much."
Harry the Clown
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148 Posts

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I have just bought two video's about Tommy Cooper - I don't know anyone else who has done funny gags like him.
What a great man he was!
Daniel Faith
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Neenah, Wisconsin
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I have been saving One-liners and Ponderings for many many years.
I don't use but a couple of them but there is lots of good stuff in there.

IF anyone would like a copy. Email me at:
rhawkins@new.rr.com
I will send both your way.
Daniel Faith
avimagic
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Hollywood, Florida
233 Posts

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OK, here are some of my favorite my one-liners. They've been gleaned from numerous places, and unfortunately I don't know who to give credit, but here goes:

When I get no laughs: "That's OK, folks, some of the jokes are just for me."

When only one person laughs, I ask them if they can keep laughing while they run around the room, so I can imagine the whole audience is laughing.

(I think this one is from the Amazing Jonathan): When I have someone from the audience on stage with me, and I'm giving them a bunch of instructions I throw in that I want them to move their feet a little closer to the floor. They *think* at first that I'm asking them to move their feet closer together, so they look a little silly appearing to attempt something that is obviously impossible.

I ask they audience if they'd like to see an elephant fly. When they say yes, I pull out a HUGE zipper.
Brent McLeod
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New Zealand
1700 Posts

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Randall

Will contact you shortly

-Brent
abc
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South African in Taiwan
1081 Posts

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If I do a cigarette routine I put a lighter and another cig on the table or whereever I am and then ask a spec.
Are you good at physics?
Can you pass me the heavier of the two. They respond by passing me the "lighter"
You can have a lot of fun with it.
daffydoug
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Eternal Order
Look mom! I've got
14063 Posts

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Quote:
On 2003-05-16 22:42, Cabrera wrote:
Walk out onto the stage with a bag of sunflower seeds, have one already in your mouth. Take it out and say, "In high school I was voted most likely to succeed!" Hope you get it.


ooooooh! Groan! That was baaaaaad! (mind if I steal it?)
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Cabrera
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Seattle
513 Posts

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Use Pumpkin Seeds instead so you're not stealing!
No pms lately...How are you Daf?

Cheers
Charlie
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
Reis O'Brien
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Seattle, WA
2467 Posts

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That drawing on Magicness was so bad it was kind of good.
Homo vult decipi; decipiatur

http://www.myspace.com/liar_4_hire
Somecreative Stagename
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Liberty Lake, WA
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The mention of The Amazing Jonathan reminds me of a line that cracks me up... When doing a trick that requires a silk, ask an audience member if they have a hankerchief... regardless of the answer, tell them they have a little booger hanging off their nose and they should really wipe it off.

I don't know if it's just my sick admiration of gross body related humor or what, but THAT'S funny, my friend!
Paul
sniper1
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malta eu
343 Posts

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Careful when using that booger thingy tough because some people get offended by it.
THE MOST CRAZY MAGICIAN ON THE MALTESE ISLANDS
q
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118 Posts

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Sniper1, your reply has offended me
NJJ
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6439 Posts

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One of the funniest snot related gags I ever saw was Micheal Ammar doing the old sticking the hankie to the curtain!

He blew his nose on a hank, reached behind the curtain and held it on as if it was stuck to the curtain!
flobiwan
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165 Posts

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I just heard a great line I think I may steal. When talking about what you did before you became a magician -

"I used to be a bell-ringer for the Salvation Army. It wasn't a bad job - I got $5.00 an hour plus tips."
Wizzi
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Scotland
8 Posts

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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On 2003-05-16 22:42, Cabrera wrote:
Walk out onto the stage with a bag of sunflower seeds, have one already in your mouth. Take it out and say, "In high school I was voted most likely to succeed!" Hope you get it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why not follow up with displaying an ear of corn and Say "OK was that too corny?"

Groan Just a thought
Smudge
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If I'm doing my cabaret spot and the audience are a bit subdued I say

"what's this a staring competition?"
Harry the Clown
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148 Posts

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A magician went to a newly opened magic shop searching for something new and different. The shop magician showed him a pair of glasses and quoted a price of $1,000.00. The man was shocked. "A thousand dollars for a pair of glasses?" he said. "Outrageous." "Try them on," said the shop magician. "They are very special glasses." The man put the glasses on and suddenly the shop magician was naked. Quickly the man took the glasses off and the shop magician was clothed. He put them on again and the shop magician was naked. The man looked at the shop magician's female assistant and she was naked. He took them off and she was clothed. "I'll take them and don't bother to wrap them up," the man said. He went outside to the bus stop put the glasses on and the people waiting for the bus were naked. Took the glasses off and they were clothed. The bus pulled up, the man got on and put his glasses on. The bus driver was naked with his beer-belly hanging over lap. All the passengers were naked. He took the glasses off and the passengers were clothed. The bus pulled up at the man's stop and he got off, walked up to his front door and put his glasses on. He walked into his living room and there sat his wife and best friend on the couch naked. He took the glasses off and they were still naked. "Look at that," he said. "A thousand dollars for a magic trick and in thirty minutes it's already broken."
naturalturn
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An oldie but a goodie:

I am part psychic... I am part telepathic...

YES, I guess you can say I'm PSYCHOPATHIC! Smile

Naturalturn
http://www.raywongmagic.com
www.facebook.com/RayWongMagic
When Magic Went WONG!
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