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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
I was walking by a hardware store and they were tossing out old supplies. Suddenly I saw an employee fling a pail, but it was headed at some guys head. I shouted, "DUCK! BUCKET!!!"
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
The baton twirler wanted to make a good impression so before she went on stage she told her younger brother, "SHINE THESE STICKS."
GREG
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
My friend, Kane, joined a social group. He was given an emblem and a ring to wear. He looked down at his finger and asked what it meant. I said, "It's A PEER RING, KANE."
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
As a teenager I was standing next to my friend, Dave, when this sexy cheerleader bent over to tie her shoelaces. I whispered to him, "DAVID, COP A FEEL."
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
The Head Nun used to make me read classic books then quiz me once a week on them. I struggled when she had me read The Illiad. I told her, MOTHER, OF ALL BOOK TESTS so far this is the hardest."
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
I asked where the furniture was made and they said, "It was DONE IN GERmany."
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
The new rock band wanted to start immediately, but the sound engineer needed the equipment tested so he screamed, "BAND! A CHECK is needed!"
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
The new table was ready to be picked up by the new customers, but it was still a bit rough. The forman asked his Asian assistant, Ming Lo, to buff out the roughness. He said, LO, SAND THEIR TABLE."
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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alibaba Loyal user Hawaii 280 Posts |
I gave my friend who lisps a suggestion for a bet at the race track and the horse won. Afterward he came up to me and said, "Thanks, that was thumb tip you gave me."
I'm as real as you think I am
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alibaba Loyal user Hawaii 280 Posts |
I have this friend from Boston. Quite the lady's man, but he treats 'em badly. He's quite the social climber, too. We call him an ambitious cad.
I'm as real as you think I am
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Pakar Ilusi Inner circle 5777 Posts |
As I read this thread all I can say is, WOW!
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
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scaevola Loyal user 251 Posts |
I wanted to come up with a pun that fit the parameters of this thread but all my attempts have resulted in utter flustration.
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scaevola Loyal user 251 Posts |
While shopping for a new jock strap I got in conversation with the clerk about CUPS AND BALLS.
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sean_mh Loyal user 229 Posts |
I need to cut this 2x4 in HALF. PASS me the circular saw, please.
Sean |
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Mick Ayres Special user Hilton Head Island 998 Posts |
While touring with his family in Australia, the magician's oldest boy hollered from the bathroom, "Dad, the toilet water is swirling backward...is there nothing I can do?" The magician yelled back, "They don't FLUSH STRAIGHT, SON. COUNT on it."
- - - - - - As the New York man began walking down from his upper level apartment, a runaway vehicle smashed into the stairs. The unfortunate man fell 13-feet to the ground among all the debris. A samaritan ran up to help and yelled, "What happened?" The poor man pointed a finger at the vehicle and gasped, "CAR...IN...DOSE...THIRTEEN... STEPS!". - - - - - - The mentalists-turned-bank-robbers were caught quickly...so one wondered, "COULD DA BUCKS be marked?" - - - - - - And finally... A mentalist friend was moonlighting behind the convenience-store counter. He asked me if I wanted anything to go with my Moonpie purchase. I said, "Thanks, GREG...RC cola would be perfect." Best, Mick
THE FIVE OBLIGATIONS OF CONJURING: Study. Practice. Script. Rehearse. Perform. Drop one and you're done.
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Mick Ayres Special user Hilton Head Island 998 Posts |
So, Art Bell (the famous host of the radio show 'Coast to Coast') was re-roofing his home years ago. His wife, already annoyed because her husband's little project was way over budjet, was astonished when he had to buy yet more supplies to finish the roof. "What is this!?" she yelled. "Another volume of TAR, BELL?!"
(For the record, I've had women yelling this at me, too.)
THE FIVE OBLIGATIONS OF CONJURING: Study. Practice. Script. Rehearse. Perform. Drop one and you're done.
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
You're going to hate this one: I was in a library with my mother, Jacqueline... I was always call her Jeek... I think because of my strong lisp. Anyway, we came in with our own book to do some research and set it down on the counter for a moment. A librarian came over and asked if the book came from the library or did we own it. I said, No, it's MINE, MISSTH, AND MA JEEK's"
I'll duck now. greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
Another one to hate me for: During the month of April an old Jewish man was phoned at his apartment. The local cable company said that next month they would give everyone in that complex a free month of Cinemax cable. The only requirement is they had to be in the apartment when they showed up. He asked, "CineMAX! MAY! VEN do I have to be here?"
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
Mini-Me was on the set of a new Austin Powers film. He asks, "In this scene do I get killed after the first shot or the second one?" The director said, "DIE, VERN, ON the second shot.
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
A German scientist was watching a weird bacteria strain slowly move on the slide. It seemed to be moving off the slide on its on accord as if to get away. Suddenly he screamed to a fellow scientist, "LOOK! GERM MAY actually think!"
Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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