Put your best UNIQUE come-backs here. Different from "show lines" or heckler stoppers" they are snappy come-backs which show that you are awake, alert and ready for active duty. (O.K. some of them are heckler stoppers but they don't have to be)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Man - You come to us with high honers
Reply - Yes. I keep them on the top shelve

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kid - My sisters name is Lucy
Reply - I didn't ask

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lady - Thank you for coming today
Reply - My pleasure. Without you, I would be home watching TV.


- - - - - - - - -

Lady - My brother is a magician
Reply - Oh, does he know me?

- - -

Kid - I want another balloon
Reply - So do I. Go find my mother and ask her if I can have one.

- - - --

Lady - how much was it again?
Reply - twenty five hundred dollars with proper ID

Man - Can you do that again?
Reply - The next one is better.

Kid - Can I have your autograph?
Reply - Yes, but give it back when you are done with it...

Man - How did you do that?
Reply - I did it very well, thank you.

Man- Can I take your picture?
Reply - Yes but you have to give it back.

- - - -
Man - Do you take credit cards?
Reply - Yes but I don't give them back

- - - - - - - - - -

Woman - Can you make my husband disappear?
Reply #1- That's funny... he just asked the same thing about you.
Reply #2- Yes but it's only temporary
Reply #3 - That;s going to cost you. He just offered me 200 for you, can you come up with 3?


- - - - -

Kid - Can I have your autograph?
Reply - No, it's mine and if I give it to you then I won't have one... then how am I going to sign my name?
O;K; go get the pen. (Then you make the pen vanish and tell them to get another one)

- - - -

Kid - Can I have your card?
Reply - No. I don't want phone calls at 3 am asking where the rabbit went.
Go get your mother and I'll give one to her. Thank you.

Jay, I like those a lot. Thanks for sharing.

I laughed out loud while reading Jay's!

That's the best one I've ever heard for that one.

Jay,
I hope you're like this in real performance instead of being polite and nice like on your billiard ball DVD. Please don't disappoint me. I'll be heart-broken.


This one doesn't seem funny as read but said with just the right timing gets a great laugh. Spectator says something, does something that is unwanted by you or tries to mess you up, or touches props they should not (basically anything like that).

I stop talking, stare them down for about 2 seconds and say in a slightly scolding way: "Now how is that helpful?"

I find that lines like these are very strong character lines and get big laughs because of that. I also think they are funny because you appear to be going off script and you seem to be speaking impromptu. A rehearsed ad-lib.

Frank... There is no need to be edgy, on the DVDs, because I'm there to share what I know with my peers.

At a show however, anything can happen.
- - - - - - - -

Lady - What else do you do, during the week.
Reply - I run a corporation where we provide speciality performances that require me to answer phones, design & build props then schlep them all over town- but it's completely unrelated to what you see here.

Yeah, baby!!!

Man "How did you do that?"

magician "Can you keep a secret?"

man "Yes."

magician "So can I."

And now for something a little more unique - - - -

Man (as you're bringing in your equipment)... Hay everyone... The clown is here!!!
Reply - Oh.. the clown... Yes...I must be at the wrong place. Let me get my stuff and get out of here. I'm sure the clown will be along any minute.

- - - - - - - -

Lady - Hello, We're having a 6 year old party.
Immediate reply - Isn't everyone ready to go home yet?

Are you the magician?
No, I'm the chimney sweep...

You guys are good. Those come-backs are really great. I like them very much.

Can you make my husband/wife disappear?

Well, last time I did THAT, I got 20.

(beat)

not dollars, sir/maam...YEARS!

Do you do free shows?..
Yes, Amway demonstrations...

I love the "can you make my husband/wife disappear", I can't tell you how many times I have heard that one. That one will get a lot of mileage!!

Can you make this penny disappear?
No, just $20s...

Lady - Can you turn my one into a hundred?
Reply (Hold out hand) Yes, but first you have to give me a hundred.

Reply- No I came to fix the washer... just look at your clothes... right there, see that spot... there. You better put some cold water on it.